I’m Pretty Sure I Used to be Cooler
Day: September 29, 2024
A Humorous Wedding Night Confession
On our Wedding night my wife made me promise to never look in her bottom bed stand drawer and I kept it faithfully for the first 27 years I preached … during that year she went on vacation and being left alone … I just could not resist … I peaked … and there was 6 eggs and over $500 dollars ???
I was so ashamed of myself … I was eaten up with curiosity and guilt … I just had to confess to her as soon as she got back.She was such an angel … she readily forgave me and I just had to ask what the 6 eggs were for:
She said every time you preach a bad sermon I put an egg in the drawer from our own chickens.
I thought 27 years 1 Sunday school, 2 Worship service 3 Sunday evening Worship and 4 Wednesday night times 27 years … sounds about right to me but what about the over $500 dollars ?
She said: every time I get a dozen eggs I sell them !
Minutiae
What’s your #1 priority tomorrow?
Tomorrow, I have to concentrate more n several small tasks that have piled up. I have to go to the post office, pay a bill, take a package to UPS, pick up a prescription, order groceries, and probably attend to a couple of other tasks I’ve forgotten. Whew! That’s starting to sound like a lot!
It’s My Party
Uncle Jerry drank a little. In fact, Uncle Jerry never drew a sober breath from the time he cashed his paycheck at the liquor store on Friday after work until he got back to the shop on Mondays with a killer hangover. One time he told Bud, “I get paid today and I gotta get drunk. I had the flu all week and feel so bad I cain’t hardly drag. I shore dread it.”
Bud, who’d never been initiated into drinking at the time asked, “Uncle Jerry, if you feel so bad, why do you HAVE to get drunk? Can’t you take a weekend off?”
“Oh no!” Uncle Jerry told him. “I always stay drunk on the weekends.”
He must have been concerned about his reputation. He was Aunt Myrtle’s second husband. At the time I knew them, they’d been married over forty years. If Aunt Myrtle stuck by Uncle Jerry, I can’t imagine what her first husband must have put her through.
Mother went over to visit Aunt Myrtle one Thursday morning, not realizing Uncle Jerry was on vacation. They went out to the garden first to admire Aunt Myrtle’s tomatoes and the green beans that were starting to put out, picking a few for Mother. When they made their way into the kitchen, they encountered Uncle Jerry down on his hands and knees in front of the icebox (not refrigerator). He’d pulled the drawer out and was eating onions and turnips raw with the garden dirt still clinging to them. Considering it was Uncle Jerry, neither one said anything.
He looked up at them and remarked. “This is my icebox and I’ll eat anything I G__ D____ please.” They got their coffee and took it out to drink in the shade.
“Don’t let Jerry worry you none. I forgot to tell you Jerry was on vacation when I told you to come over to get tomatoes,” noted Aunt Myrtle.
“Oh, that’s okay. It is his icebox after all,” Mother replied.
Decent Jokes
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
President Lincoln was approached by a woman after a political speech… If you were my husband I would poison your tea. Lincoln replied…if you are my wife I’ll gladly drink it.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo.
Have you heard the joke about yoga. Nevermind its a bit of a stretch.
Why should you never play poker at the zoo? Too many cheetahs
What do you call a nose with no body? No body nose
Why does snoop Dogg use an umbrella? Fo-Drizzle.
Never confide in a vacuum cleaner. They’re always collecting dirt
A roman walks into a cafe holds up 2 fingers and gets 5 coffees.
Q: What time is it when the clock strikes 13? A: Time to get a new clock.
What do you call a guy who’s really loud? Mike.
Not Another One
Long before the advent of “Karens,” I was in a burger place with my kids many years ago and overheard a mother critiquing the burger her young son was half through eating. “Oh no! That’s not done!” Outraged, she asked for the manager. “This is disgusting. Look at the burger! You could kill somebody!”
The manager was polite. “Yes ma’am. Let me get you another.” He quickly replaced her son’s meal.
She sniffed her disdain and snatched the proffered burger. She presented to her little guy who dug in. Again, he finished off about half when Mom pronounced with outrage. “This one’s not done either.” She snatched his burger and tore into the manager.
Soon she was back with another burger. When she unwrapped it for her son, he beseeched her”Mommy, please take this one back. I can’t eat another one!”
Nutsrok 