Sunday Jokes

A patient says: “Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: ‘Could you please pass the butter.’ But instead I said: ‘You hateful cow, you have completely ruined my life’.”

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 %.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said: “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I’ve changed my will three three times.

Don’t Worry, Grandma

My sister and her four-year-old daughter were visiting her mother-in- law when Grandma realized she was telling a story she didn’t want repeated.

“Now, Hayley. Sometimes people talk about things they don’t want repeated. You don’t need to tell anyone what Mommy and I are talking about.”

“I know, Grandma. Mommy talks about you and I never tell you.”

Family, Faith, and Fun: Church Meetings Next Door

Many Saturdays , our neighbors held church meetings in their home. They probably served a meal and visited since the guests remained a great portion of the day.

Our unfenced backyards ran together. Children of all ages played freely between the two yards while their parents worshipped. My kids loved the party atmosphere, mingling freely with the kids.

We were adding an addition to our house at the time. Bud had his power tools set up in the open area of the addition. No doubt, the power tools were quite loud, impacting the service next door. It was unfortunate they were holding services on the day Bud had laid out to work but he had to work on his days off.

Nevertheless, sometimes we could hear their enthusiastic singing over Bud’s sawing. After a while, a lady took it upon herself to speak to Bud about the noise. Genially, Bud replied, “Oh, go right ahead. You’re not bothering me.” In a huff, she returned to the service next door.

Meanwhile, our children had been invited and went along to the service when the kids were called in. After about twenty minutes, my son John came casually ambling out. “How did you like church, son?” I asked.

“It was okay. I helped ‘em sing and listened to Mr. Bob talk a little, but when they got ready to bust the bread, I came home.”

Planting

Which topics would you like to be more informed about?

I would love to know more about horticulture. I love to garden but sadly lose plants. My mother-in -law could drop her mop outside the back door and it would root before she picked it up. Many times I took her an ailing plant and the next time I saw it, it would be hale, hearty and a dazzling green.

She was very casual about her planting. She did not purchase fancy pots or fertilizer. Her pants loved her. If they’d sprouted feet, I knew they follow her. She rarely bought a plant. She’d just start with a cutting from a friend.

Patches: A Story of Our Calico Cat

I believe our calico cat, Patches, was mentally ill. From the beginning, she liked the men in the family. As for the women, she either treated us with disdain or total rejection.

Many times, Patches behaved as though she was having hallucinations, staring intensely at walls or furniture as though something was there.

She was a very picky eater, preferring one brand of boxed cat food. The only other thing she’d touch was tuna. One morning I gave her the last of the cat food. That afternoon, on the way home from school, I sent my daughter into a convenience store with a five-dollar bill, assuming that was plenty. In a minute she was back out with her purchase. I always let the kids keep the change if they went in the store.

When we got home, Patches was yowling. I tore the top off the bag and poured. Patches had her face almost in the dish as dust fogged in her face, nearly choking her. My daughter had bought the cheapest item on the shelf with a cat picture. That may have been the very moment Patches took a dislike to us.

Bud and I settled into bed one night when Patches decided to visit him. He was lying flat on his back when she jumped up on him and started purring loudly and making biscuits on his chest. Eventually, she quieted down.

“Thank goodness, she finally settled down.” I said

“Yea, but I’d feel at lot better about it if she didn’t have her butt right on my face.” The

Photo from WordPress photo library

Cat Cartoons

Segway

Segway, the motorized scooter, is not for the clumsy. We visited Sarasota, Florida many years ago with my daughter who’d been yearning for a Segway adventure. I wasn’t. I’ve always been uncoordinated. I knew what was in store for me.

In case you don’t know, the Segway has a motion sensor. When you lean forward, it goes forward. I hated it on site. Had I heard this ironic story about the Segway owner on NPR before my little outing, I’d have never gone.

“Owner Of Segway Dies On Segway

SEPTEMBER 27, 20109:58 AM ET

Jimi Heselden, the owner of Segway, apparently drove one of the personal transport devices off a cliff and into a river. He was killed. Police say they do not suspect foul play.”

We received a whisper of instruction before our Segway ride began. My performance was even worse than I expected. I looked like I was trying to dance with the wretched thing. I never actually fell but I looked like a bobble-head doll. While everyone else in the group coasted along smoothly, I struggled to retain my upright position. I hated it!

Photo from Google

Music

What would your life be like without music?

I am not a great listener to music.I don’t have music accompanying my routine activities. I have ADD and am easily distracted by any sound. Listening to music is a decision. When I want to listen, I want to be totally absorbed.

5 Funny Moments with Babies

baby and dog

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Funny-Lips-Baby-Picture

Baby eyes closed.Funny Pictures of Cats and Kittens