Day: November 7, 2024

A dash of Maxine

Literature

What was your favorite subject in school?

I loved reading. I used to tear through the stories in my reader. My favorite reader was Runaway Home. The father took a year off work to paint. The reader detailed their adventures while traveling the country in a camper. It seemed like a dream come true. I did not enjoy the reading aloud in class. I read ahead while trying to pay just enough attention to hear when I was called upon. It must have been misery for the poor readers waiting for their turn to read. I dreaded it along with them, knowing they’d have to laboriously stumble through a paragraph or two. I stayed in trouble for dashing through my work so I could pull a library book out of my desk.

Blind Jokes

Blind date. Why don’t blind people skydive? It scares the heck out of the dog.

What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? “That’s the most violent book I’ve ever read.”

What has two eyes but can not see? Stevie Wonder.

What do you call Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis? Endless Love

Yo mama so ugly the local peeping-tom knocked on her door, and asked her to shut her blinds.

The Best of the Best Relationship Memes

Rules Guys wished Girls Knew

 
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up, put it down.
3. Don’t cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see
if he can find the perfect present!
5. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he’s not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don’t ask him what he’s thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation,and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it’s not different, it’s just like ever other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don’t expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dad’s way past idiot.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.
18. No, he doesn’t know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes – what makes you think
we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn’t have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don’t give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz in
Cosmo together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it
done – but not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to
complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
39. Telling us that the models in the men’s magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty, and it’s certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
41. Anyone can buy condoms.

It’s All Fun and Games till Somebody Loses an Eye

John Wayne“It’s All Fun and Games till Somebody Loses an Eye!”
I heard that warning so many times when I was a kid I could have sung it back to my parents before they’d finished, if I’d had a death wish. All I had to do was run with a glass, toss the scissors, or jump out of a tree on a kid to get them started. I was a smart, tough kid. I KNEW I wasn’t going to get hurt. I had the power of ten because my heart was pure. Well, maybe not pure, but I was sure I had the power of ten.
At any rate, only one time did I ever know of a kid to lose an eye from horseplay, and that circumstance couldn’t have been anticipated. Thankfully, I wasn’t involved. One of the neighbors had a large peanut patch. For those of you who don’t know, peanuts grow underground and have to be dug up. Mr. Jones had already harvested his peanuts and a group of neighborhood kids played in the field, an entirely harmless pastime. Had there been a crop left, it would have been a heinous crime, but the parents were sitting close by, drinking iced tea and watching the kids at their peanut war. They’d eat a few peanuts and toss a few. The greatest harm one would have expected would be a bellyache from too many raw peanuts. Unbelievably, a kid was hit in the eye with a peanut shell, scratching his eyeball. His parents rinsed it and sent him on his way, not thinking much of it. By the next day, the eye was swollen and infected. The boy ultimately lost his eye from that accident, a totally unexpected outcome.