How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.
What’s the difference between a fiddle and a violin ?
Who cares – neither one’s a guitar
How do you know when the stage is level ?
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth ..
Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune ?
Neither did I
Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners ?
So the rest of the band can understand them
What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend ?
Homeless ..
What’s the definition of a minor second?
Two oboists playing in perfect unison.
How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ?
Pay for the pizza.
How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune ?
Evidently all of them.
What do you do if your bassist is drowning?
Throw him his amp.
~Saint Peter is checking in new arrivals in heaven….~
“What did you do on Earth?”
“I was a surgeon. I helped the lame to walk.”
“Well, go right on in through the Pearly Gates”
“What did you do on Earth?”
“I was a school teacher. I taught the blind to see.”
“Fine .. go right on in through the Pearly Gates!”
“What did you do on Earth?”
“I was a musician. I helped make sad people happy.”
“You can load in through the kitchen.”
What’s the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.
What’s the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
“Mommy! Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!”
“Now Johnny, you can’t do both!”
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.
A trombone player and an accordion player are playing a New Years’s eve gig at a local club.. The place is packed and everybody is absolutely loving the music .. shortly after midnight, the club owner comes up to the duo and says, “You guys sound great .. everybody loves you .. I’d like to know if the two of you are free to come back here next New Year’s eve to play ?? …
The two musicians look at each other then to the club owner .. and the trombone player says “Sure .. we’d love to .. Is it OK if we leave our stuff here ??”
Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.
What is “perfect pitch?”
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.
What’s the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.
What’s the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a
lawn mower and don’t return it.
If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an
in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.
How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.
How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much
better they could’ve done it.
What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common ?
Both suck when you plug them in
How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb ?
None…they just steal somebody else’s light
What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit ?
“Will the defendant please rise …”
Two guys were walking down the street …one was destitute …
the other was a guitar player as well ..
How is an orgasm like a drum solo?
You can tell it’s coming but there’s no way to stop it.
What do call a successful musician?
A guy whose wife/girlfriend has 2 jobs.
Nutsrok 