Jimmy, with his Newfoundland accent says: “ I would like to see Peggy Sue.”The hostess replies: “ok, she is just finishing up and will be with you momentarily.”Peggy Sue comes out and leads Jim John into the back where she immediately gets right to business. Peg says $200 for the full meal deal.” Jimmy hands her 200 and she rocks his world.The next day, Jim comes back, at the same time and asks the same hostess to see Peggy Sue. This time, Peg was on standby and ready. Peggy, remembering Jimmy, asked him if he wanted to do the same as the day before. Jim nods, hands peg 2 c-notes and away they go.The third day, Jim is back. The hostess says: “let me guess, you’re here to see Peggy Sue.” Jimmy replied “yes bye!” The hostess directed him down the hall to the back room where she was.Peggy, now warming up to Jimmy starts to get into a little small talk with him. She asks Jimmy John: “where are you from? Jim proudly says: “St. John’s, Newfoundland!” Peggy’s expression shows even more curiosity as she says: “so am I! What neighborhood do you live in? !” Jim replies: “East Meadows.” Startled, Peggy Sue says “my parents live in East Meadows!” Jimmy John says: “I know. They’re next door to me and asked me to bring you $600.”
Month: November 2024
Bizarre Funeral Happenings from Buzzfeed
1. The fire at the cemetery “My great-grandmother died when she was 103 years old, when I was eight. In the middle of the ceremony, my grandmother (daughter of the deceased) leaned on the grave where a few candles were burning. Then her hair started to catch on fire, and everyone started running around trying to put it out. They even dropped the casket halfway there.” —Karine Dal Piva Menoncin
2. The lost earring
“My aunt lost an earring at a funeral, and the next day, another person she knew died, and she had to go back to the same cemetery. So, she left the wake, asked permission from the family that was in the area where she had lost the earring, and began to look for it while everyone was praying. And, of course, she ended up finding it!” —Anonymous
3. The borrowed clothes
“My friend got an urgent call to go to her mother-in-law’s funeral. When she got there, she saw something that shocked her so much that people started asking her what was going on. They were going to bury her mother-in-law with an outfit of hers that she loved, and that she had given the outfit to her grandmother, who had already died. It was eating her up inside, but she didn’t make a sound. Now she’s no longer married to the same guy.” —Ezequiel Apenas
4. The, uh, allergy attack
“My sister and I went to a funeral, and since my sister is a total clown, she startd making me laugh. You know the feeling when you start laughing a bit and it gets even worse? To cover it up, I started to cough. Then, my sister also started to laugh a lot, and to cover it up, she also started coughing. So both of us were coughing like crazy and my dad tried to make an excuse for it, saying: ‘They’re allergic to flowers… And those flowers have a pretty strong smell, right?’ Then all the old women started coughing too, until they began taking the flowers out of the room. The people started to quietly leave, and then we burst out laughing like we never had before in our lives.” —Aline Ýngratis
5. The robbery
“Once, some people tried to rob me at my great-grandmother’s funeral! I was in the cafeteria of the funeral home with some other family members, waiting to get some chicken drumsticks, with my phone in my jacket pocket. My cousin, who was there too, noticed that the guy next to me was slowly pulling the phone out, and I didn’t notice anything since I was going through a difficult moment and also really hungry. Finally, my cousin ran up and was on top of the guy, and he said he was sorry. Then he came over to his family, who was mourning in the room next to us, and his sister shouted, ‘YOU CAN’T EVEN FORGIVE PEOPLE AT OUR FATHER’S FUNERAL?” —Alice Stippe Rodrigues
6. The miniskirt
“At my great-grandma’s funeral, one of her friends, who was 70 years old and had a rather provocative sense style (I loved it), went to say her goodbyes in a miniskirt. When she leaned down to kiss the forehead of my great-grandma in the casket, she was showing everything off to everyone sitting behind her. And it wasn’t a quick kiss. I had to get out of the chapel because I couldn’t even look at my mom’s face without laughing.” —Divina Francis
7. The game of tag
“When I was 5, a classmate from my school went to her grandfather’s funeral. She and her cousins decided to play tag around the casket. Then, she had the idea to go under the casket. And then, her cousin tagged her and she jumped up. The casket flew to one side, and her deceased grandfather to the other!” —Carolina Vieira
8. “Not me too!”
“My uncle died four years ago. When it came time to bury him, his twin brother arrived at the edge of the pit and said: ‘Oh no, my brother, someday we will find you.’ It would have been a touching scene, if only this twin brother hadn’t then tripped and almost fallen in the pit, shouting, ‘DAMMIT, NOT ME TOO!’ Nobody could hold in their laughter.” —Patricia Tolentino
9. The surprise encore act
“My mother told me a story about when my great-grandmother died and her loved ones went to her wake. At that time, people would just assume someone was dead and that was it — there would be no autopsy or anything. At the wake, it started to rain heavily, and they were in the yard. Everyone ran inside and left her body there. Suddenly, they heard a door slam and when they went to go see who it was, it was the great-grandmother, cursing everyone out for leaving her in the rain. Apparently, it was total pandemonium.” —Nataly Lima
10. The wrong funeral
“My mother-in-law arrived at the cemetery and, even before entering the funeral home’s hall, she began crying, greeting people and giving them her condolences. She cried and cried, and when she was near the casket, she saw she was crying for the wrong person. The wake for her family member was in the room next to that one. After that, she burst out laughing while standing over the casket of this unknown person, and everyone started giving her dirty looks. Once she found the right wake, she cried from laughing every time she looked at the casket, because she remembered the dead person from the room next door.” —Mayara Cardoso
11. A moment of solace
“At my grandfather’s funeral, we were at one of those cemeteries that only has plaques on the ground in the middle of the grass, and some very nice mountain views. I saw my cousin walking alone in the middle of the grass. I thought, ‘poor girl, she feels so bad, I’m going to go over to her.’ I went up to her and asked if she was okay. She said: ‘Yeah, I just came over here because I had to fart.'” —Anonymous
12. The interruption
“When my grandmother died, one of my aunts lost control when my cousin began to give a speech about the Bible, talking about how it was the path that God chose for us, to live and then to find ourselves with him, etc. My aunt kept on crying, my cousin said, ‘then, God…’ and my aunt interrupted: ‘I’M GOING TO MISS HER SO MUCH’. Then my cousin said: ‘yes, moving on…’ and my aunt: ‘OH MY GOD, I’M NEVER GOING TO SEE ALICE AGAIN.’ Then my cousin lost patience and said: ‘all right people, we’ll do the burial later, okay?'” —Alice Lima
13. The meet-cute
“The pastor who was speaking at the wake was kind of a boring guy, and my mom started laughing at him. She couldn’t stop, so she went out to get some fresh air and see what was going on. There, she found a guy who had the exact same thing happen to him, and they hadn’t seen each other inside. They started chatting, set up plans to see each other again, started going out, and that’s how I was born.” —Igor Pinheiro
14. The flag
“I don’t know if it’s wrong to laugh about this, but my friend went to a wake for her uncle, who was a huge fan of the Cruzeiro soccer team, and she saw that her mother had brought her Cruzeiro flag to put on the casket. Then, before burying him, my friend took the flag off of the casket and everyone started looking at her. Then she said to her mom: ‘I worked hard to buy this flag, I really liked my uncle, but it was really expensive.” —Giovana Lima
15. The wrong party
“At my friend’s grandfather’s wake, there was a wake being held for another elderly man in the room next to ours. But they were playing music, drinking, and the people at the church for her grandfather were horrified. Then after a while, a woman came over, entered the room and called out to the people there: ‘Hey, I loved this guy so much, he was the life of the party.’ Then everyone gave her a dirty look, because my friend’s grandfather had been an evangelical Christian all his life. The woman got the idea, looked at the casket and saw that it wasn’t the person she thought it was. Then she said in a serious tone: ‘Oh, sorry, I though this was the wake for Nelson.’ I couldn’t hold it in and started laughing.” —Alice Lima
16. The party crashers
“My grandmother and my aunt were passing by a wake, and nobody in the family was crying for the deceased. They felt bad for the deceased and went there to cry for someone whom they had never seen in their lives. And the result was that the family of the dead man started giving them their condolences.” —Renata Mendes
17. The wrong type of alcohol
“When my grandmother died, my family decided that she would be buried in the city where she was born. So my mother (who goes over the top with food) decided to provide a buffet and a lot of whiskey to serve at the wake, because everything was about food and drinks. When the buffet didn’t arrive, some of my grandmother’s brothers started to ask for some drinks to drown their sorrows. My cousin was desperate, and went to look in my aunt’s house for some alcoholic beverages to serve. She found an unlabeled bottle and decided to take it over to the funeral, and everybody drank it. But then when it came time for the burial, everyone started feeling really funny, and nobody knew why. My aunt spotted the bottle, now almost empty, and shouted: ‘what is my medicine for putting on my joints doing here?” It turned out that my cousin had given them rubbing alcohol.” — Julia Salles
18. The wrong party, part 2
“My friends decided to go to my grandfather’s funeral, and by some HUGE coincidence, there was another funeral of someone else with the same last name at the same cemetery. They got there after it had already begun (there were 3 of them), and so they were towards the back and they couldn’t directly see who was there. Two of them had already gotten pretty emotional, they were crying, until the third one noticed during the speech that the person speaking said: ‘she was a great mother and woman.’ So she realized that it couldn’t have been my grandfather. She looked to the side and saw my other two friends crying, and began to tuck her head into her shirt, to try to stifle her urge to burst out laughing. Then, she managed to pull the rest of them to the side, and let them know they needed to go to the right funeral. They were able to find me and caught the end of my speech. Then they told me what had happened, and even ended up laughing myself silly on the day of my own grandfather’s funeral.” —Paula Mascarenhas
19. The flower delivery
“When my great aunt Cida died, my godmother ordered her a floral wreath. Her name was Marisa. And then, with everyone gathered there crying, the man arrives with the flowers and says: ‘does anyone know where the wake for Marisa is?!’ They guy had thought that Marisa was the name of the person who died, and not the person ordering the flowers. Everyone burst out laughing!” —Marcella Marrara Ducati Assali
Hard Time Marrying Part 8
Once more, Joe settled into his snug cocoon in the barn. Jack and the cats made it their business to join him. Though he was exhausted from all the work caring for his new family, he felt encouraged. That boy was smart. He mimicked Joe at his work and was picking up words way faster than Anna. Now, he was putting a couple of words together. He used cat, dog, cow, milk, eat, pig and half a dozen other useful words. He even said damn. He’d even walked up on Joe pissing behind the pigsty and worked at getting his own little doodle out to give it a try. That would sure help with some of them diapers.
Even though Anna still looked down when he looked at her, he’d caught her looking his way a few times. She drew back from his touch and certainly hadn’t given any indication she wanted him in her bed. But she had two children! Surely she’d warm up. She knew a wife’s duty.
Deep in his thoughts, the howling of coyotes brought him out of his reverie. Jack went wild lunging at the barn doors as the terrified cats scattered. What in the Hell were coyotes doing this close? They normally shied away from a place with a dog. Maybe they’d gotten brave with Jack in the barn the last few nights. The”d probably jumped a rabbit, but he’d better have a look. Getting his lantern off the hook, he lit it outdoors. Jack was way ahead of him chasing the coyotes from the grove of mesquites he’d been avoiding, the place he’d buried Anna. He’d been avoiding thinking about that grave.
The coyotes were long gone but Jack ignored his call, digging and growling. Though he’d have preferred waiting for daylight, he thought he’d best see what had Jack stirred up. The smell of death overwhelmed him as he neared the trees and was sickened to see Jack pulling a long bone from the grave. He wretched and dropped to his knees as he realized the coyotes had dug up his dead wife.
God in Heaven! If she was in the grave, who was in the house?
My Dog’s Quirky Habit: Treasures in Bed
I’ve written before about how my little dog, Izzie, puts his treasures in our bed. This morning when I got ready to make the bed, I found he’d adapted his habit a bit. He regularly hides toys among the bed covers. In addition, he’d hidden half a hotdog and a dog snack. He also stashed half a piece of garlic toast he’d salvaged from the trash.
Fortunately for Izzie, his brother, Croc, our mastiff mix, is too heavy. He cannot get up on the bed to make off with Izzie’s goodies.
First Impression
What’s the first impression you want to give people?
I hope I am seen as open and friendly. I enjoy conversations and friendships. It is a pleasure to engage with those of all ages and types. Friendship is a gift.
Hard Time Marrying Part 7
He checked on the woman and children several times always finding them asleep. The children’s breathing was regular and less shallow. The pink of their cheeks faded as the fever dropped. Twice more he fed and diapered them and assisted the woman to the pot. The next two days were much the same, more feeding, more dosing with Dr. Marvel, more changing, and always, more washing. The little boy rallied first, trailing Joe. From time to time, he called for Mama, but overall seemed contented. Joe looked forward to the woman regaining her strength and assuming her responsibilities. She was attentive to the baby girl who still lay abed with her. Thankfully, the baby finally got hungry enough to accept the bottle after a few tries. It made it easier to get the Dr. Marvel’s in her, anyway. The woman could barely stay awake long enough to feed the baby but kept it at her side. On the fourth day, the woman began to eat regular food, though she mashed it first. One day, she coughed and spit a cracked molar into her palm, increasing Joe’s guilt about burying her alive, though he still didn’t remember hitting her with the shovel. Joe had hopes when she’d learn some English soon, since he didn’t understand a word she said when she did speak to the baby or cry out in pain upon moving. She had picked up on coffee, milk, baby, hurt, boy, pot, and a few other words, but there was no conversation yet. She never called him “Joe.”
Though there was no real talking between, Joe sensed a change. The woman was able to leave the bed for longer and longer periods, and kept the baby on her hip as she padded around the cabin. Her bruises were fading and she was able to hold the baby with her left arm and feed it with her right. She was turning out to be a beauty, but looked so young to be a mother. It warmed him to see the tiny girl laugh at her mother, though the boy clearly preferred Joe. Joe had expected him to show more interest in his mother once she was out of bed, but he didn’t. Maybe boys just liked men. Joe rigged a rough rope bed in the corner near the fireplace for the boy, thinking he could make a trundle when the girl was older. He was starting to think of her as “Anna” instead of “the woman.” Anna only referred to the girl as “Baby” and the boy as “Boy.” One day, he brought her the first Spring Beauty and she called him “Joe.” Joe was glad of her and the children, glad of the life opening up to him.
That night the coyotes woke him.
Fifty-Two Pies
I love a well-stocked pantry. It makes me feel good to can and freeze food so that I can pull out good, wholesome “fast food” to serve at a moment’s notice. My husband, Bud loves pie. One summer, we had a bumper crop of butternut squash, so I reasoned it would be a great idea to make some of these up into pies and freeze them. I rolled
enough piecrust to build a driveway, prepared large kettles of pie filling, and kept my oven going till I had fifty-two beautiful butternut pies ready for the freezer. My kitchen looked like a bomb had gone off, but I was proud of those pies as I wrapped them and stacked them in the freezer, anticipating the pleasure of pulling out a pie from time to time to enjoy after a good meal with family and friends, along with a good story.
It didn’t exactly work out as I planned. I hadn’t taken Bud’s love of pie into consideration but I did get a good story out of the deal. Bud was delighted with “his” pies. All the food at our house undergoes an immediate conversion the minute it is cooked and becomes “his” as in, “Is there any more of my apple pie?” or “Who ate the last piece of MY pie?” I wouldn’t dream of making a dessert to take to work without making an identical one for home. I don’t know if he would be more hurt if I “ran around” or “cooked around” on him. He still hasn’t forgiven me for giving away a strawberry-rhubarb pie over twenty years ago and still brings it up regularly.
Anyway, Bud and I had pie after dinner that night. It was delicious. He finished the pie off the next day after lunch. When he went to get “his” pie after dinner that night and found the pies all frozen, he was horrified. I explained to him, again, that I made them to freeze and serve over the next few months. Apparently, my first explanation had gone straight over his head, like so much of my mindless babbling. (We’ve been married fifty-four years That’s how it works.) Frozen, in relationship to food he was planning to eat right then, is the F word at our house. We try to avoid it.Heartbroken and betrayed, he self-righteously pulled a pie from freezer and left it on the counter to thaw overnight. He consoled himself with butternut squash pie for breakfast the next morning, adding it to his new breakfast menu. That was just the start. Unless there was another dessert on the menu, you can bet Bud had butternut squash pie, sequentially going through that mountain of pies in less than three months. When I had the satisfaction of eating the last, lonely piece of the final pie, Bud spoke what were very nearly his last words, “You ate my pie!”
……and that’s how the fight started.
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’
‘No,’ she answered.
I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’
… She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started…..
_____________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed,
“He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started…
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, “When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
_____________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started…
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started…
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started……
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me
for my driver’s License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that
I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ‘You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.’
And then the fight started…
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
“I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.’
I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
And then the fight started……..
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning…the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said ‘I am NOT Happy!’
So I said, ‘Well, which one ARE you then?’
That’s how the fight started.
________________________________
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift…
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started.
Smoke, Smoke, Smoke that Cigarette
Daddy smoked Camel Cigarettes when I was a kid. Men smoked and Real Men smoked Camels, not one of those sissified menthol filtered brands. Only trashy women smoked. Mother did have one lady friend who smoked, but Miss Frannie also wore shorts and didn’t go to church. I thought there had to be some relationship between those three big sins, but loved going to Miss Frannie’s house, so I hoped Mother continued to overlook her failings. Miss Frannie’s husband hunted with Daddy, so the families’ friendship held fast.
It was manly to smoke, but like drinking coffee, it was a pleasure delayed till adulthood. I hated it when Daddy smoked, especially in the car. We’d all be packed in tight in the backseat and as soon as he backed out, Daddy lit that cigarette. The smoke burned my eyes and made my throat sore. It wasn’t so bad in summer with the windows down, but in winter, we were trapped. Daddy opened his side window vent, so in theory, the smoke didn’t stay in. The actuality was that we all breathed second-hand smoke the whole trip.
My smoking experience lasted two puffs. Daddy told me to toss his cigarette in the toilet, and I took two brief puffs as I walked toward the bathroom. I did enjoy the sizzle as the cigarette hit the water, though. My cousin said he smelled smoke on me and I never tried it again. Something about putting fire in my mouth never appealed to me. It held about as much appeal as poking a stick in my eye.
Daddy started smoking at fourteen or fifteen and often said he wished he’d never started, but never tried to quit. My brother Billy and a cousin swiped some of Daddy’s cigarettes and gave smoking a whirl. They hid in a ditch and were smoking away when a neighbor kid came by and ratted them out. Daddy gave them a lesson in smoking, something that would get him jailed now. He invited them come sit and smoke with him. They were in high spirits and joined him happily. He insisted they inhale so they’d get the full effect. They were sick long before they’d gotten through that first cigarette, wanting to quit.
He reminded them they’d wanted to smoke and insisted they continue. In just minutes they were drooling and starting to vomit. Making them take a few more puffs, they had to endure a lecture on smoking, with a reminder to check back with him next time they wanted a cigarette, he’d be glad to smoke with them. They both held off for a while, but eventually found their way back to smoking. Thankfully, my brother quit before long. My cousin died of tobacco-related disease in his late forties. Daddy put his cigarettes when he was in his forties. My mother never smoked a cigarette in her life, but due to living her first thirty-six years with heavy smokers, has a moderate degree of lung disease today.
I hesitated to write this story, but it illustrates well how things were handled in the past. I’m sure in later life, Daddy would have never done this, but in his thirties, he still had a lot to learn about life, as we all do.
Nutsrok 