lbeth1950https://nutsrok.wordpress.comNow that I'm done with the bothersome business of workday world, I am free to pursue my passion, capturing the stories I've loved all my life. The ones you'll read on my blog are good old Southern stories, a real pleasure to relay. Here in the South, we are proud of our wacky folks. I've preyed shamelessly on my family, living and dead, friends, neighbors, and acquaintances, often changing the names to protect the innocent and not so innocent. My mother illustrates my blog. I come from a rollicking family of nuts, hence the name of the blog Nutsrok Enjoy.
My brother weighed ten pounds at birth. He was born in the car on the way to the hospital but that’s a story for another day. My cousin Eddie, a colicky, pint-sized baby, was about four months younger. One afternoon when Billy was about five months old and Eddie about one month, Mother and Aunt Bonnie put both babies on a blanket on the living room floor while they had coffee in the kitchen. Billy cooed and played happily while Eddie wailed incessantly, as usual. When they finished their coffee, the mothers went to check on the babies. It turns out Poor Eddie was crying for a good reason. Husky Billy who was teething had maneuvered himself around where he could gnaw on Eddie’s skinny little leg. The poor baby’s leg was red from ankle to above the knee.
SHORT STORY…… An unmarried woman just finding out she is pregnant gets into an unfortunate accident on her way home from the doctor’s office. She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for several months. When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby. Her doctor is called and gives her a mild sedative, then sits down to answer her questions. I’m so happy to see you recovering. he says. The young woman responds, Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is everything all right? He replies, Yes, despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure. “In fact, he goes on, you’ve given birth to TWINS – a boy & a girl. The woman is very happy and asks when she can see the babies. The doctor replies, Right away, but we’ve already sent the infants home with your brother. While you were unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you. He even gave the babies names. At this point the woman gets upset, Doc, my brother is an idiot! What name did he give my little girl? The doctor answered that her name was Denise. Oh, Denise, that’s not so bad. what name did he give my little boy? The doctor answered, Denephew.
. .Once upon a time a married couple bore twin sons. They were very poor and could not afford to keep them. They put the twins up for adoption. One of the boys went to a Spanish family and was named Juan. The other twin was placed to an Egyptian family and was named Amal. Some years later, Juan became curious about his birth parents. After researching and finally locating them, he sent them a nice letter and a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, the birth mother said “I’m so glad that he’s happy. And what a wonderful picture! I wish we had a picture of Amal. I would love to know what he looks like.” Her husband turned to her and said, “I wouldn’t worry about it, dear, when you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.” The other guy responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!” The first guy says, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?” The other guy answers, “I’m from Dublin, I am.” The first guy responds, “Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?” The other guy says, “A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.” The first guy says, “Faith & it’s a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?” The first guy gets really excited, and says, “And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?” The other guy answers, “Well, now, I graduated in 1964.” The first guy exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self.” About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters…”It’s going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again.”
The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recuiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all elgible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near an brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, “Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?” The young man looks at him and says, “I pilot!” The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, “Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!” The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asks, “What skills to you bring to the Air Force?” The young man says, “I chop wood!” “Son,” the general replies, “we don’t need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?” “I chop wood!” “Young man,” huffs the general, “you are not listening to me, we don’t need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!” “Well,” the young man says, “you hired my brother!” “Of course we did,” says the general, “he’s a pilot!” The young man rolls his eyes and says, “Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!”
A Lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the forth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, “The Gold Dust Twins are coming,” and I had to smile. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Sloan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling,” and I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did The Trick”, and I could hardly control myself. BUT—when she moved the forth time and sat under a sign that said “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident.” I laughed out loud.”
Triplets from China: Fu, Bu and Chu emigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become American citizens, and “Americanize” their names.
Bu, called himself “Buck.” Chu called himself “Chuck.” Fu decided to return to China.
Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
“OK,” the judge said, “Tell the court why you want a divorce.”
“Well, your honor,” Dan started, “Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I`d end up making love to her by mistake.”
“Surely there must be some difference between the two women.” the judge said.
“You`d better believe there is a difference, your honor. That`s why I want the divorce.” he replied.
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. “But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked. He replied, Just send me a postcard and write “spaghetti” on the back. I’ll take care of expenses.” Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and said “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.” The doctor said “Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you”. Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack.
Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti-Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.”
I think I’ve mentioned my cousin Corwin was interesting. He was still hauling his bottle around when he started school. His teacher made him leave it at home, so first thing after getting off the bus, he’d get his bottle out of the cabinet, fill it up, and enjoy it along with his after school snack. A hearty eater, he’d grab up a handful of Gravytrain Chunks out of the dog’s bowl as he headed out to play football with his big brothers. As a crawling baby, Corwin had started shoving the puppy out of his bowl and just kind of got hooked on Gravytrain. It added a interest to the game to see Corwin playing football with his baby bottle sticking out of his back pocket. One of his brothers or cousins invariably snatched his bottle and ran, passing it on to whichever kid was new to the game. The chase was on. Corwin carried a grudge to the bitter end and picked up a stick or rock and bash the bottle thief’s head in long after the game of “Keepaway” concluded. His older brothers felt this bit of info was on a “need to know” basis, so new kids had to find out the hard way.
When he was about five or six, Corwin decided it was funny to pee the space heater. He’d fall all over himself to beat his mama in the front door, drop his pants, and spray the open flame with a stinking deluge that spattered, steamed, and spewed up the whole house. As he sprayed from side to side, kids would be scattering to avoid the stream. Should he have any ammo left, bystanders got it. His mother made a token protest, followed by, “I don’t know what makes that boy act like that.” Daddy told my aunt he’d hooked an electric shock to the heater, so Corwin would be electrocuted. She believed Daddy, so made Corwin give it up. I was sorry it wasn’t true.
Corwin was horrible. We all hated him. To make a long story short, Corwin was so darned mean, nobody would have stuck up for him. About that time, Daddy brought in some goats. At any rate, when Corwin saw goat pills littering the yard, he thought, they were chocolate M&Ms and gobbled quite a few before he noticed the taste was off. My brother and I made sure he had all he wanted. Seemed like justice.
Do you have a favorite place you have visited? Where is it?
My favorite visit is also my earliest memory. I went to sleep on the train headed to Grandma’s and was awakened by the sound of the back door closing. Sliding out of bed, I slipped down the back steps. Padding through the dewy grass, I learned about stickers. I shrieked in pain and Grandma rushed back to my rescue, dragging her shovel. Surprised to find I’d followed her, she extracted the stickers from my feet.
I noticed huge yellow road grader parked outside n a ditch at the edge of the yard. Grandma had me stand on the shovel and pulled me over to see it. She even lifted me up so I could climb on it a little. That was the first of many wonderful visits I remember.
There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St.Luke’s Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, “The Cambridge Distorter,” told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin biddies. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, “WHAT DID HE SAY?” He said, “WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!” said the other. “Now get a little closer together,” said the cameraman. Again, “WHAT DID HE SAY?” “HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE.” So they wiggled up close to each other. “Just hold on for a bit longer, I’ve got to focus a little,” said the photographer. Yet again, “WHAT DID HE SAY?” “HE SAYS HE’S GONNA FOCUS!”
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, “OH MY GOD – BOTH OF US?”
Way down in dat old swamp known as Louisiana, Bubba’s old lady had been pregnant for some time, and now the time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Bubba and said, “Hey, Bubba! You just had you a son!” Aint dat grand!!
Bubba got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, “Hold on! We ain’t finished yet!” The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, “Hey, Bubba! You got you a daughter!!!!” She a pretty lil ting, too….
Bubba got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, “Hold on, we still ain’t got done yet!” The doctor then delivered another boy and said, “Bubba, you just had yourself another boy!
When Bubba and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, “Mama, you remember dat night what we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere3-in-1 Oil?”
She said, “Yeah, I do.”
Bubba said, “Man, it’s a damn good ting we didn’t use no WD-40!
Do you know what the Hispanic firefighter named his twin sons? Hosea and Hose B
It’s a New “Survivor” Show 6 men will be dropped on an island with 1 van a set of 4 year old twins and an infant, for 6 weeks The twins each play two sports and either takes music or dance classes. There is no access to fast food. Each man must take care of his 3 kids, keep his assigned house clean, oversee all homework, complete science projects, cook meals, do laundry, grocery shop, etc. The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done. There is only one TV between them and there is no remote. There are only the basic channels. The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves either while driving or while preparing a healthy breakfast for all three children. They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas. The kids vote them off based on performance. The winner gets to go back to his job.
BLOND JOKE The blond woman had been married about a year when one day the she came running up to her husband jumping for joy. Not knowing how to react, the husband started jumping up and down along with her. “Why are we so happy?” he asked. “Honey, I have some really great news for you!” She said. “Great” he said, tell me what you’re so happy about.” She stopped jumping and was breathless from all the jumping up and down. “I’m pregnant!” she gasped. The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while. He grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldn’t be happier. Then she said “Oh, honey there’s more.” “What do you mean more?”, he asked. “Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!” Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew. “It was easy” she said, “I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!”
COUNTING THE TWINS A census taker in a rural area went up to a farm-house and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages. She said, “Les’ see now, there’s the twins, Sally and Billy, they’re eighteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they’re sixteen. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they’re fourteen– “Hold on!” said the census taker, “Did you get twins every time?” The woman answered, “Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn’t get nothin’!”
BACKWOODS BIRTH Deep in the backwoods, a woman went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. “Whoa there,” said the doctor. “Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down…I think there’s another one coming.” Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. “No, no, don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern…it seems there’s yet another one in there!” cried the doctor. The father scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, “Do you think it’s the light that’s attractin’ ’em?”
A couple desperate to have a baby went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. “Next week I am going to Rome and while I am there I will light a candle for you,” he replied.
Three years later the priest returned to his parish and went to the young couple’s house to visit. He found the wife to be pregnant and busy attending to two sets of twins. The priest felt very elated and asked the girl where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.
“He has gone away for a while,” came the harried reply.
“Where has he gone?” asked the priest.
She replied,” To Rome, to blow the damn candle out!”
About three weeks later Anya awoke to a back ache.It got worse as the morning drew on till she suddenly wet herself.She was mortified, though she’d gotten used the increased demands pregnancy put on her bladder.As she corralled Sally and set about cleaning herself up, labor pains began in earnest.Anya knew little about birth except what she’d seen from her step-mother and from life on the farm, but she knew she’d better get help.Joe and Little Joe were working in a far-off field, so she started a fire and loaded it with pine straw so it would make an impressive smoke to signal him home.Home in minutes, he found Anya with her pains regular and about twenty minutes apart.Hitching up the wagon and loading the children, he kissed Anya and warned her.“Stay in the cabin near the bed.I’ll be back with Emma quick as I can.Git up an’ walk if you have to, but don’t leave the cabin.”The horse trotted across the prairie, bouncing the kids Joe had taken time to tie in the wagon bed.Over the next two hours, Anya’s pain increased in frequency and intensity.Just as she feared the baby would come into the world unattended, Joe showed up with Emma.Within minutes, Emma handed a baby girl off to Joe, waiting behind her with a warmed blanket.“This baby ain’t big as a minute, but she’s purty like her mama.”
Joe held the baby close as his eyes filled with tears.Moments later, Emma took the child and helped Anya put her to the breast. He looked from the tiny girl to the woman he loved.“Our first baby. I ain’t never felt so fine. Thank you, Anya.”
Aunt Essie, like all of my aunts, was a wonder of fertility, if not child-rearing acumen, raising seven of the meanest boys outside Alcatraz. Thank God, her reproductive equipment gave out before she managed more. I thought Mother exaggerated when she said they’d all end up in jail or dead before they were thirty. She was wrong. Only four of the seven did jail time, and of these, one died in a bar fight after he was released at the age of twenty-eight. Most of rest passed their time boozing it up at Aunt Essie’s house when they weren’t begetting children or needed in jail. Contrary to Mother’s unjust prediction, all but one made it past thirty and one never went to jail. The meanest of the lot turned out to be pretty boring. He opened a very successful auto body shop, married a good woman who got him in church, and became a deacon. I hope Mother learned her lesson about being judgmental.
When Aunt Essie’s boys weren’t trying to kill us, they could be entertaining. Uncle July was an avid hog-hunter and was extremely proud of his Catahoula Cur Hog Dog, Catch. Out on the hunt, Catch would go berserk with hog lust and “catch” wild hogs by the ear, hanging on until commanded to turn loose; not a nice dog. Uncle July kept him penned up, sternly warning us away from the fence. Catch might rage through the fence, “catching” us by the ear.
Aunt Essie and Uncle July heard “catch” noises from the dog pen and were horrified to realize one of their angelic three-year-old twins was missing. They rushed out and found Corwin and the monster dog rolling around in the dog pen. Expecting to retrieve the bloody corpse of his precious child, Uncle July leapt into to the pen to find Corwin latched down on Catch’s ear, blood pouring from the tattered edges. When asked why he bit the dog, Corwin replied, “Dog bite me.” Corwin was fine except for a few drag marks.
Considering his tender age, it seemed premature to categorize Corwin, but he showed all the hallmarks of a psychopath. Energized and empowered by his encounter with “Catch”, his strange little mind focused on the unfortunate beast, making the dog’s life a living hell. Despite his concerned parents’ warning, he was soon back in the dog pen and had Catch cowering in a barrel half-buried in the dirt that passed for a dog house, howling piteously for rescue. Realizing he was no threat to Corwin, Aunt Essie and Uncle July abandoned poor Catch to his misery, knowing Corwin was off their backs as long as poor Catch was crying. Catch wet himself and ran under the truck next time Uncle July tried to take him out hog hunting, his spirit broken. Uncle July swapped him off to an unsuspecting buddy for a pirogue the first chance he got.
Surviving five horrible older brothers made Corwin and his twin Kelvin dangerous little devils. Their parents doted on all the boys, seemingly unconcerned about their reputations as hellions. When people complained about their bullying, their stock reply was, “What did your Johnny do to them?” artfully ignoring the obvious fact that the damaged kid was three years younger. Aunt Essie grieved because the twins would be her last babies, so she let them carry their baby bottles till the school put a stop to it. It was bizarre to see them coming in from playing football with their brothers, pull their bottles out of their back pockets, and fill them for themselves. They were fluent in profanity from the time they could talk.
As an adult, between stints in jail, Corwin lived in the dugout of the local ballpark. He’d worn out his welcome with Aunt Essie and his tippling brothers after attempting to burn her house down over their heads. He was forcibly extricated by the more sober among them, but did live to the ripe old age of forty-one. After the immediate threat of roasting in her bed passed, Aunt frequently mentioned letting him move back in, feeling he’d learned his lesson in jail, but her other boys had a longer memory and wouldn’t allow him back in.
Corwin spent the rest of his life residing between the ballpark, jail, and homeless shelters, except for brief stints with friends when he was flush with cash from his drug sales job.
When I was about three years old, my cousin Cathy’s parents moved their tiny egg-shaped trailer house under a big shade tree in our front yard. It was about as roomy as a nice bathtub. Like any right-thinking parents with two tiny children, they quickly moved into the house with our family, leaving us with four adults, a six-year-old, a three-year-old, an eighteen month old, and two newborns in a three bedroom house. The women cooked, cleaned and watched the kids together every day. Mother said it was a great time.
Pictured above are my cousin Cathy and me. She was much smaller though only a year younger than I. She also developed a nasty habit of biting. After I was bitten a few times, Mother told me to “bite her back.” She didn’t specify how hard.
The next time Cathy bit me, I bit her just below the eye and hung on. Cathy screamed and Mamas came running. Still I hung on. Mother told me to turn loose but I was too wrought up to hear her. She had to smack me to make me turn loose. It hurt my feelings. “You told me to bite her.”
“I didn’t tell you to bite a chunk out of her face.!”
Cathy had a bruise showing all my tooth prints. It turned from purple to green to yellow. I’m sorry, Cathy.
I think I’ve mentioned my cousin Corwin was interesting. He was still hauling his bottle around when he started school. His teacher made him leave it at home, so first thing after getting off the bus, he’d get his bottle out of the cabinet, fill it up, and enjoy it along with his after school snack. A hearty eater, he’d grab up a handful of Gravytrain Chunks out of the dog’s bowl as he headed out to play football with his big brothers. As a crawling baby, Corwin had started shoving the puppy out of his bowl and just kind of got hooked on Gravytrain. It added a interest to the game to see Corwin playing football with his baby bottle sticking out of his back pocket. One of his brothers or cousins invariably snatched his bottle and ran, passing it on to whichever kid was new to the game. The chase was on. Corwin carried a grudge to the bitter end and picked up a stick or rock and bash the bottle thief’s head in long after the game of “Keepaway” concluded. His older brothers felt this bit of info was on a “need to know” basis, so new kids had to find out the hard way.
Aunt Essie, like all of my aunts, was a wonder of fertility, if not child-rearing acumen, raising seven of the meanest boys outside Alcatraz. Thank God, her reproductive equipment gave out before she managed more. I thought Mother exaggerated when she said they’d all end up in jail or dead before they were thirty. She was wrong. Only four of the seven did jail time, and of these, one died in a bar fight after he was released at the age of twenty-eight. Most of rest passed their time boozing it up at Aunt Essie’s house when they weren’t begetting children or needed in jail. Contrary to Mother’s unjust prediction, all but one made it past thirty and one never went to jail. The meanest of the lot turned out to be pretty boring. He opened a very successful auto body shop, married a good woman who got him in church, and became a deacon. I hope Mother learned her lesson about being judgmental.
BUY my book: 
Nutsrok 