Neither Corwin nor Kelvin could be rounded up for this cousin picture. They had other fish to fry.
Aunt Essie, like all of my aunts, was a wonder of fertility, if not child-rearing acumen. She had seven of the meanest boys outside Alcatraz. Thank God, her reproductive equipment gave out before she managed more. I thought Mother was just exaggerating when she said they’d all end up in jail or dead before they were thirty. She was wrong. Only four of Continue reading
Author: lbeth1950
Conquering Corwin (part 2)
Aunt Essie got her nose out of joint when her little guys came home bringing tales of how badly Uncle Bill had treated them, so he didn’t hear from her till she fell on hard times a couple of years later. She had married her own fella named Bill by that time, strangely enough. This Bill was an affable enough guy, though he must not have taken time to meet the boys before they married. He’d also been married before and “wadn’ payin’ no child support to that whore of a woman after the way she done me. Besides that oldest ‘un never did look anthing like me, ner that little one neither, if you git right down to it.”
The long and short of it was, they needed to get the heck out of Dodge or her sweetie would have gone to jail. Like any landed gentleman of the South, Daddy had always maintained he’d provide a place for any of his sisters who fell on hard times. She magnanimously forgave Daddy. Over Mother’s furious objections, he set up a mobile home on their farm for Aunt Essie and her family. The situation went downhill fast. Aunt Essie wore her slippers to check the mail and slid down. She asked Daddy for the name of a good lawyer so she could sue. He told her she’d have to move if she sued him, so she changed her mind. Her Bill had a heart attack within a month of the time they moved there. He never worked another day, leaving them penniless until his social security kicked in. Guess who supported them.
All that aside, they had the added joy of daily life with Corwin. Corwin quickly dropped out of school, a reasonable decision, since the only thing he was getting out of it was a bus ride and two free meals a day. When he got suspended for harassing little girls, it was a relief to everyone in the system. Bill and Aunt Essie went somewhere in Aunt Essie’s car one day. Wisely, Bill took his keys, knowing Corwin would certainly take off in his truck the minute he left. One of Daddy’s horses had died three or four days before. As farmers do, instead of burying it, he hitched the dead horse to his tractor and dragged it as far to the back of his place as he could, leaving it to the varmints. Corwin had been puzzling over whether or not the varmints had gotten to the horse carcass yet. Corwin showed some industry in hot-wiring the pick-up, but not in driving in the muddy fields. He got stuck and had to leave the truck buried up to the hubs next to the bloated horse. Bill was livid when he came in and found his truck missing. “Where in the Hell is my G—D—- Truck?”
“Stuck in the mud on the back of Uncle Bill’s place.”
“What in the Hell is it doing back there?”
“I drove it back there to see if see if that dead horse was stinkin’ yet.”
“Well, what in the Hell were you gonna’ do about it if it was?”
Not too long after this, Corwin and Kelvin were found to be growing a lucrative crop of marijuana on Daddy’s place. It was a good time for the family to leave.
Hard Time Marrying Part 26
Image pulled from internet
Though Anya had initially invited Joe into her bed out of gratitude, over the next months she learned to love him passionately, looking forward to their time together in the rope bed. Neither of them had a lot to say, but the little family thrived. Sally had gone from toddling to running and was speaking in short sentences. Little Joe now called them “Ma” and “Pa,” likely forgetting the poor woman who’d born him. Anya was the only one Sally had ever called “Ma.”
Joe and Anya traded visits with Emma and Rufus a couple of times over the summer with Emma promising to attend her baby’s birth. Anya came to depend on her like a mother, taking comfort in her company, grateful she didn’t have to feel awkward about the timing of the upcoming birth. Emma never brought the subject up again, just reminded Anya to have Joe fetch her when he time came.
One Saturday evening Melvin came riding over to let them know he’d be marrying Jenny in a couple of weeks. Emma sent word they should come to the wedding. Joe told Melvin they’d try if Anya was up to it, but as soon as he was out of earshot, reminded Anya. “We got to lay low. It was night and the woman was bundled up against the cold, but that preacher might see you ain’t the woman I married. There ought’n to be no questions about you long as that preacher don’t git to nosin’ around. Nobody else was there for the marryin’. We’ll just say you ain’t well an’ keep to the house.” Joe didn’t think much of preachers and was rankled that this one stood between him and Anya.
It pained Anya to shun her friend’s joy, but knew they dared not risk discovery. She’d been lulled into a sense of general well-being with her life with Joe and pregnancy hormones. She had begun to look forward to the little one, hoping it would be a girl who looked like her own baby sister. Joe lay spooned against her at night, often stroking her belly in his sleep as he nuzzled her shoulder. Anya wouldn’t have changed anything about her life.
Joe looked around the small cabin the next morning. “We’re gonna be spllin’ out of this cabin soon. Next spring, I’m gonna put in a few acres of grain for a cash crop so we can add on a room an’ maybe get you a cook-stove. A woman that cooks like you ought’a have her a stove. Joe scooped Sally up and tickled her as she darted by in pursuit of her kitten.” Life was good.
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Playing Among the Headstones
Sometimes we are fortunate enough to look past what lies on the surface and find pleasure in unexpected places. Before our children started school, we decided it would be best if I put off working until they started school. Most days, the children and I were home. I rambled the lanes around our rural home were on foot pulling the little ones in a red wagon behind me.
We frequently strolled to a lovely old pre-Civil War cemetery with off a gravel road near our home.. The children were fascinated by the tall, graceful tombstones and loved running between them, seeking out their favorites with angels, little lambs, ornate curlicues, or crypts enclosed within wrought-iron fences.
In their exuberant innocence, they played happily in the deep shade under the ancient oaks, having no knowledge of death or its connection to their favorite destination. Sometimes they sat in the sand of the unpaved tracks, playing with their trucks or other small toys. To them, it was no more than a park. As often as not, I spread a blanket on the grass for them to picnic on peanut butter and jam sandwiches, milk and cookies.
Later, they’d stretch out on the blanket while I read to them, sometimes drifting off for their naps. Late in the afternoon, We’d walk home in the long shadows as they searched for little treasures of pretty stones, colorful bird feathers, or bright flowers or toss small stones from their vantage point on a small wooden bridge into the clear creek below.
I cherish the memory of those lovely afternoons and hope that the souls resting beneath that cool green carpet of grass enjoyed the laughter of children playing and the time we shared with them.
Grace
What is one thing you would change about yourself?
I am clumsy and uncoordinated. I couldn’t dance if my shoes were on fire. I’ve always wished for a lithe, graceful body. It seems like being able to move like a ballerina or a gymnast would be the finest thing. There’s no way I could ever sneak up on anyone. I’ll just have to settle for being grateful most of my parts work like they should, albeit it clumsily.
Conquering Corwin (Part 1)
In my family of “Mixed Nuts” Cousin Corwin was the winner, hands down. When he was about twelve, he and his twin Kelvin got in a little “dust up” with the police, so it seemed like a good time to get out of town. Aunt Essie called Daddy, asking if the twins could come spend a few days. Now if the image “twins” brings to mind thoughts of “barefoot boys with cheeks of tan,” think again. Kelvin to all intents and purposes, could have passed for normal, but Corwin was nuts. At five foot eight and two hundred and sixty pounds, he was physically intimidating. His pale blue eyes blazed with madness. He ripped through a fried chicken like a chain saw. Mother had to double the amount she normally cooked the minute he arrived.
Aunt Essie’s call for relief was well-timed. Mother and Daddy were just about to leave on a much-anticipated vacation. Though Mother could only hear Daddy’s end of the conversation, it was clear he was assuring Aunt Essie “taking the boys will be no problem. I’ll straighten them out. We’ll come get them as soon as we get back. They can stay as long as they want. They’ll always have a home with us.” He hung up, turning to Mother. She was murderous! Like any right thinking human with twelve years’ experience with Corwin, she despised him. She’d spent most of those years defending her girls from his attacks.
“Are you crazy? I don’t want that maniac out here! He is not coming!”
“Yes, he is! I’ve already told Essie we’ll come get them as soon as we get back from vacation. I’m going to bring those boys out here, put ‘em to work and straighten ‘em out. There’s not a kid in the world I can’t conquer!”
“You can’t straighten them out. You deserve what you get! Go get them whenever you want to. We’re not going on vacation!”
Conceding that point, Daddy left, returning several hours later returning with two sullen, hostile boys. Since neither Mother nor the girls had anything to say to him either, it was a quiet house except for chicken bones crunching when Corwin ate. Corwin was exhausted after his big supper and brush with the police so Mother showed him to his bed right after supper. As soon as she cleaned up the kitchen, she went on to bed, leaving Daddy up by himself. He was horrified to find Corwin in his bed when he got ready to turn in. He went to find Mother. She bunked in with the girls, partly to protect them.
“Corwin’s in my bed!” Daddy roared.
“Yep. You may as well go ahead and get started straightening him out tonight.” She turned over, the bed shaking with her giggling. Daddy knew when he was whipped.
He got up, blasting the boys out of bed the next morning about six. They were sullen, rubbing their eyes. He was full of false cheer, enjoying the prospect of teaching them to work, turning them into productive humans. They dragged away from the table, out into the dawn’s early light. They were back at noon, to eat and rest in the heat of the day. The boys were unhappy. I don’t think their morning had gone well. Daddy was trying to force a good mood on everybody. After an hour and a half’s rest, he had them back at it. They ate, bathed, and fell in bed that night. The next morning, he had to drag them out of bed, openly hostile. They took potshots at him at breakfasts before he dragged them off. By noon, things clearly had heated up.
By the fifth day, Daddy was sick of them, but stuck in the nightmare he’d created. He had alienated everybody. In one camp, Mother and the girls hated him. In the other, he was spending his vacation trying “straighten out” two juvenile delinquents who openly despised him and made his life a misery on every turn. It was a challenge having to having work like a dog trying to teach them to work when he’d planned to be on vacation.
There was no escaping the nightmare as he spent his nights with the corpulent, malodorous, psychopathic Corwin, snuggled up against him. One morning Daddy got up to find he had no clean underwear in his drawer. While he was searching, the putrid scent of feces drifted from the general area of his closet. He investigated, finding that Corwin had suffered digestive issues, soiled his dainties and concealed them deep in Daddy’s closet, rather than admit to his weak sphincter. Exhausting his underwear wardrobe, he’d helped himself to Daddy’s, which he also soiled and concealed. Daddy had had enough. He made Corwin take the whole disgusting pile outdoors and wash it. Corwin found he didn’t care for washing aged crap out of his (and Daddy’s) drawers, retching the whole time. He felt Daddy ought to wash out his own, even though Corwin had crapped them all and was doubly insulted when Daddy insisted he scoop up the piles of poop and haul the filthy wash water far from the house to dump it. He would have had absolutely no problem leaving the slimy, stinking mess lying on the ground next to the faucet. To everyone’s relief, Corwin called Aunt Essie, begging to go home. That saga had ended with Daddy finding a kid he couldn’t conquer.
To be continued
Conquering Corwin (Part 1)
In my family of “Mixed Nuts” Cousin Corwin was the winner, hands down. When he was about twelve, he and his twin Kelvin got in a little “dust up” with the police, so it seemed like a good time to get out of town. Aunt Essie called Daddy, asking if the twins could come spend a few days. Now if the image “twins” brings to mind thoughts of “barefoot boys with cheeks of tan,” think again. Kelvin to all intents and purposes, could have passed for normal, but Corwin was nuts. At five foot eight and two hundred and sixty pounds, he was physically intimidating. His pale blue eyes blazed with madness. He ripped through a fried chicken like a chain saw. Mother had to double the amount she normally cooked the minute he arrived.
Aunt Essie’s call for relief was well-timed. Mother and Daddy were just about to leave on a much-anticipated vacation. Though Mother could only hear Daddy’s end of the conversation, it was clear he was assuring Aunt Essie “taking the boys will be no problem. I’ll straighten them out. We’ll come get them as soon as we get back. They can stay as long as they want. They’ll always have a home with us.” He hung up, turning to Mother. She was murderous! Like any right thinking human with twelve years’ experience with Corwin, she despised him. She’d spent most of those years defending her girls from his attacks.
“Are you crazy? I don’t want that maniac out here! He is not coming!”
“Yes, he is! I’ve already told Essie we’ll come get them as soon as we get back from vacation. I’m going to bring those boys out here, put ‘em to work and straighten ‘em out. There’s not a kid in the world I can’t conquer!”
“You can’t straighten them out. You deserve what you get! Go get them whenever you want to. We’re not going on vacation!”
Conceding that point, Daddy left, returning several hours later returning with two sullen, hostile boys. Since neither Mother nor the girls had anything to say to him either, it was a quiet house except for chicken bones crunching when Corwin ate. Corwin was exhausted after his big supper and brush with the police so Mother showed him to his bed right after supper. As soon as she cleaned up the kitchen, she went on to bed, leaving Daddy up by himself. He was horrified to find Corwin in his bed when he got ready to turn in. He went to find Mother. She bunked in with the girls, partly to protect them.
“Corwin’s in my bed!” Daddy roared.
“Yep. You may as well go ahead and get started straightening him out tonight.” She turned over, the bed shaking with her giggling. Daddy knew when he was whipped.
He got up, blasting the boys out of bed the next morning about six. They were sullen, rubbing their eyes. He was full of false cheer, enjoying the prospect of teaching them to work, turning them into productive humans. They dragged away from the table, out into the dawn’s early light. They were back at noon, to eat and rest in the heat of the day. The boys were unhappy. I don’t think their morning had gone well. Daddy was trying to force a good mood on everybody. After an hour and a half’s rest, he had them back at it. They ate, bathed, and fell in bed that night. The next morning, he had to drag them out of bed, openly hostile. They took potshots at him at breakfasts before he dragged them off. By noon, things clearly had heated up.
By the fifth day, Daddy was sick of them, but stuck in the nightmare he’d created. He had alienated everybody. In one camp, Mother and the girls hated him. In the other, he was spending his vacation trying “straighten out” two juvenile delinquents who openly despised him and made his life a misery on every turn. It was a challenge having to having work like a dog trying to teach them to work when he’d planned to be on vacation.
There was no escaping the nightmare as he spent his nights with the corpulent, malodorous, psychopathic Corwin, snuggled up against him. One morning Daddy got up to find he had no clean underwear in his drawer. While he was searching, the putrid scent of feces drifted from the general area of his closet. He investigated, finding that Corwin had suffered digestive issues, soiled his dainties and concealed them deep in Daddy’s closet, rather than admit to his weak sphincter. Exhausting his underwear wardrobe, he’d helped himself to Daddy’s, which he also soiled and concealed. Daddy had had enough. He made Corwin take the whole disgusting pile outdoors and wash it. Corwin found he didn’t care for washing aged crap out of his (and Daddy’s) drawers, retching the whole time. He felt Daddy ought to wash out his own, even though Corwin had crapped them all and was doubly insulted when Daddy insisted he scoop up the piles of poop and haul the filthy wash water far from the house to dump it. He would have had absolutely no problem leaving the slimy, stinking mess lying on the ground next to the faucet. To everyone’s relief, Corwin called Aunt Essie, begging to go home. That saga had ended with Daddy finding a kid he couldn’t conquer.
To be continued
Mother’s Helper
Mother could be very hard to please. I can remember long before I was old enough to start start school, I noticed the cat pooped in the baby bed. Being the helpful industrious type, I decided to be a big girl take care of it myself, of course, I couldn’t take a chance on touching it, so I hurried in the kitchen and got Mother’s cooking tongs. Mother was unfailingly selfish about sharing her kitchen implements, as I’d learned to my sorrow when she found her rolling pin and mixing bowls in the sandpile.
This was different. I was helping!Even though I’d only been able to get my hands on them a few times, I expertly tonged up the poop and dropped it in the commode, returning the handy tongs to the kitchen drawer.
All would have been well, had I not needed praise. I called Mother to see the poop floating in the toilet and told her how I’d helped her.
She hit the ceiling. “You used my kitchen tongs to pick up cat stuff! Where are they?” Proud of myself, I assured her I’d put them back in the drawer where I’d found them.
She was impossible to please. She paddled my fanny and sent me on my way. Life is hard!
Punny Christmas Jokes
DANIELLE CARSON
- What did Frosty’s girlfriend give him when she was mad at him? The cold shoulder.
- What do gingerbread men use when they break their legs? Candy canes.
- Why is everyone thirsty at the North Pole? No well.
- What do donkeys send out near Christmas? Mule-tide greetings.
- How did the reindeer learn to play piano? He was elf-taught.
- What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot? “Get out of my face.”
- What do you call an old snowman? Water.
- Why shouldn’t you lend money to elves? They’re always short
- Why did the Little Drummer Boy put his drum to bed? It was beat.
- Why are mummies such big fans of Christmas? Because they enjoy wrapping.
- What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman.
- What is green, covered in Christmas lights and Christmas bulbs, and goes ribbit? A mistle-toad.
- How do sheep say Merry Christmas to each other? Fleece Navidad.
- What is every parent’s favorite Christmas song? Silent Night!
- Why did Rudolph have to attend summer school? Because he went down in history.
- How did Joseph and Mary weigh baby Jesus at birth? They had a weigh in the manger.
- Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? Because every buck is dear to him!
- What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? “It’s Christmas, Eve!”
- Why did the scarecrow get a big Christmas bonus? Because he was outstanding in his field.
- What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas? “I’ll never part with it!”
- What is a vegan’s favorite Christmas song? Soy to the World!
- Elves use what kind of money? Jingle bills.
- What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar? He got 25 days!
- What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow!
- What did the wise men say after they offered up their gifts of gold and frankincense? Wait, there’s myrrh.
- What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
- What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claus-trophobia!
- What do you call Santa when he stops moving? Santa Pause.
- What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Ice crispies.
- How do you help someone who has lost their Christmas spirit? Nurse them back to elf.
- What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
- What do you call a reindeer ghost? Cari-boo!
- What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum? A meltdown.
- Why are elves such great motivational speakers? They have plenty of elf-confidence.
- Why do reindeer like Beyoncé so much? She sleighs.
- What reindeer game do reindeer play at sleepovers? Truth or deer.
- What did Santa say when he stepped into a big puddle? It must have reindeer.
- What does Rudolph want for Christmas? A Pony sleigh station.
- What is Santa’s dog’s name? Santa Paws!
- Where do Santa’s reindeer stop for coffee? Star-bucks!
- What’s every elf’s favorite type of music? Wrap!
- What’s the absolute best Christmas present? A broken drum — you can’t beat it!
- What happens if you eat Christmas decorations? You get tinsel-it is.
- What do Santa’s elves learn in school? The elf-abet.
- What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? Rude-olph.
- What do grapes sing at Christmas? ‘Tis the season to be jelly.
- What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
- What did the gingerbread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet!
- Who is never hungry at Christmas? The turkey — he’s always stuffed.
Nutsrok 