Who is the most famous or infamous person you have ever met?
This is a total washout for me. Before I was old enough to remember, I was taken to a rodeo where Lash LaRue, an old cowboy star appeared. That’s it!
Famous
Author: lbeth1950
50 Hilarious Jokes for Instant Laughter
50 Terrible, Short Jokes That’ll Get You A Laugh On Demand
1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
2. I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
3. The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
4. A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
5. What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business.
6. What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah!
7. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.
8. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.
9. There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
10. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.
11. So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
12. A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.
13. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
14. Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
15. Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.
16. How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.
17. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.
18. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
19. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.
20. Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
21. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a well known six offender.
22. What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
Read this: 50 Terrible Children’s Jokes Guaranteed To Crack You Up
23. My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.
24. What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyoncé.
25. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana.
26. How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let’s go play on our bikes.
27. What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.
28. What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
29. Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do you drive this thing?”
30. Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.
31. Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!
32. Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!
33. What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowntain.
34. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
35. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
36. Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
37. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
38. I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
39. What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
40. How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
41. PMS should just be called ovary-acting.
42. Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells.
44. Learn sign language, it’s very handy.
45. I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.
46. You want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it’s pretty cheesy.
47. What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
48. Dry erase boards are remarkable.
49. Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
50. How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it. TC mark
Morning Giggles
Dumb Laws in Texas
One must acknowledge a supreme being before being able to hold public office.
The Bluebonnet is the official song of the state flower.
It is illegal to sell one’s eye
A program has been created in the state that attempts to control the weather.
When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.
It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
Up to a felony charge can be levied for promoting the use of, or owning more than six dildos.
It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
It is illegal to milk another person’s cow.
A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
Homosexual behavior is a misdemeanor offense.
The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
City Laws in Texas
Abilene
It is illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate limits of the city for the purpose of flirting or mashing.
Austin
Wire cutters can not be carried in your pocket.
Beaumont
Collegiate football is banned at Lamar University.
Borger
It is against the law to throw confetti, rubber balls, feather dusters, whips or quirts (riding crop), and explosive firecrackers of any kind.
Clarendon
It is illegal to dust any public building with a feather duster.
Dallas
It’s illegal to possess realistic dildos.
El Paso
Urinating on the streets is illegal.
Appearing in public places wearing a “lewd dress” is prohibited.
Hard Time Marrying Part 2
“These young’uns is got scarlet fever. You ain’t leaving ‘em for this town to deal with. Jist take ‘em on back where you come from.” The sheriff steadfastly refused responsibility for the children.
“But they ain’t mine. I don’t even know their names.”
“Ya married their ma ago ain’t cha? Then they’s yourn! I hate it for ‘ya, but I ain’t gonna letcha leave ‘em here to sicken the whole town. We’ll getcha some provisions to help out, but that’s it. Ya got to git out’a town with them sick young’uns. Pull this wagon out to that mesquite tree ‘n I’ll git ‘cha some supplies.
Morosely, Joe waited on the edge of the sorry town as a wagon pulled up. Shouting at him to stay back, a gimpy old geezer rolled off a barrel of flour, putting a burlap bag of beans beside it, and piling a few cans of milk, a bolt of material, and a few paper wrapped parcels on top of it. He went on his way, leaving Joe to wrestle them into the wagon the best he could, stowing them so they wouldn’t crush the burning children.
Joe felt as low as he’d ever had, pulling up to his rough cabin. He knew nothing about children or the sick. Maybe these poor wretches wouldn’t suffer too long.
My Proud Introduction to the World of Opera (Sorry Pavarotti)
I have been described as spaced out, happy go lucky, and sometimes eccentric. Suffice it to say, I am uninhibited, finding joy in little things. Most recently, I was described as Pavarotti but I fear it was in jest. My husband Bud and I, along with Bud’s cousin were making a little trip. It was a beautiful, sun-drenched day and my spirits were high. Mid-morning, we stopped in a rest area. While “resting” I admired the native stone used in its construction and noted the remarkable acoustics of the building. I immediately channeled Pavarotti, bursting into an amazing rendition of “O Sole Mio.” I sounded GOOD! I waxed melodious for a few strains, till a confused lady walked in, interrupting my reverie, fearing she’d interrupted a insane, transgender opera drop out. I excused myself and left her musing on the madness.
When we got back to our vehicle, Bud said he and his cousin had had a good laugh. When they were in the men’s room, they’d heard some man, somewhere, singing opera at the top of his lungs and it actually sounded pretty good. Bud’s cousin did remark the guy sounded happy.
I’ve never had a prouder moment.
Don’t Forget get !National Pupusa Day
If this is the first time you’ve ever heard of National Pupusa Day then on the second Sunday in November, you are in for a tasty treat. National Pupusa Day is an El Salvadoran holiday celebrating the pupusa, a tortilla-like flatbread filled with beans, meat and other deliciousness, is now the national dish of El Salvador — a far cry from its humble beginnings as a staple in the diet of early Indian tribes.
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HISTORY OF NATIONAL PUPUSA DAY
Pupusas have a long and debated history. As of this day, both Honduras and El Salvador claim to be be the birth place of this delicious treat (although it’s more accepted as being El Salvador), with evidence showing that humans have been making pupusas at least 2000 years ago, if not longer.
It actually wasn’t until 1570 when meat was incorporated into pupusas, making that development relatively recent in its history. Before that squash blossoms, mushrooms, and other hardy veggies provided the fillings.
From there, pupusas were predominantly regional, and it wasn’t until the 1980s during the El Salvadoran civil war when a large population migrated to the United States that pupusas found their way up north. Even then, they were by and large a neighborhood treat until 2011 when the Guardian dubbed pupusas the best street food of in New York – an important distinction for a city that’s constantly on the go.
Decent Jokes for Your Sunday Chuckles
Two friends met in the street. One looked sad and almost on the verge of tears. The other man said, “Hey my friend, how come you look like the whole world has caved in?”
The sad fellow said, “Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me 50-thousand dollars.”
“That’s not bad at all…!”
“Hold on, I’m just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked-the-bucket and left me 95-thousand, tax-free to boot.”
“Well, that’s great! I’d like that.”
“Last week, my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a million.”
“So why are so glum?”
“This week – nothing!”
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work…
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a baseball.”
Man – “That’s nice.”
Boy – “Want to buy it?”
Man – “No, thanks.”
Boy – “My dad’s outside.”
Man – “OK, how much?”
Boy – “$150”
Man – “Sold.”
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy – “Dark in here.”
Man – “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a Wilson infielder’s glove.”
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,”How much?”
Boy – “$350”
Man – “Highway robbery. Sold.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your gloves, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my ball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The boy says, “$500” The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess your greed.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again, you’re in my closet now.”
Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip…
That night in the fish house they decide to confess their greatest sin to each other. The Catholic priest says, “my greatest sin is lust. I look at porn constantly online and when I can I have crazy sex with parishioners.” The Rabbi says “my sin is greed. I never give to charities and sometimes steal from the Temple.” The Islamic imam says, “my sin is gluttony. At least once a week I go to the liquor store for a six-pack and then head to McDonalds in the middle of the night and get a big bag of Big Macs, Bacon cheese burgers and fries and eat and drink it all while sitting in the parking lot.” The Baptist minister says, “My greatest sin is gossip and I can’t wait to get back to town!”
Decent Jokes for Your Sunday Chuckles
Two friends met in the street. One looked sad and almost on the verge of tears. The other man said, “Hey my friend, how come you look like the whole world has caved in?”
The sad fellow said, “Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me 50-thousand dollars.”
“That’s not bad at all…!”
“Hold on, I’m just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked-the-bucket and left me 95-thousand, tax-free to boot.”
“Well, that’s great! I’d like that.”
“Last week, my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a million.”
“So why are so glum?”
“This week – nothing!”
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work…
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a baseball.”
Man – “That’s nice.”
Boy – “Want to buy it?”
Man – “No, thanks.”
Boy – “My dad’s outside.”
Man – “OK, how much?”
Boy – “$150”
Man – “Sold.”
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy – “Dark in here.”
Man – “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a Wilson infielder’s glove.”
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,”How much?”
Boy – “$350”
Man – “Highway robbery. Sold.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your gloves, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my ball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The boy says, “$500” The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess your greed.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again, you’re in my closet now.”
Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip…
That night in the fish house they decide to confess their greatest sin to each other. The Catholic priest says, “my greatest sin is lust. I look at porn constantly online and when I can I have crazy sex with parishioners.” The Rabbi says “my sin is greed. I never give to charities and sometimes steal from the Temple.” The Islamic imam says, “my sin is gluttony. At least once a week I go to the liquor store for a six-pack and then head to McDonalds in the middle of the night and get a big bag of Big Macs, Bacon cheese burgers and fries and eat and drink it all while sitting in the parking lot.” The Baptist minister says, “My greatest sin is gossip and I can’t wait to get back to town!”
Pets
What is good about having a pet?
The best part of having a dog is there undying love. Should a person be a total jerk, alienate everyone in their life, and not contribute anything to society, their dog greets them with total affection. Cats are just the opposite, making no effort to please. They domesticate and make servants of us. For some reason,, we find their sociopathy intoxicating. These pets appeal to the bipolar component of our nature.
Nutsrok 