What principles define how you live?
My principles are simple. I just try to do the right thing. I am not always successful. Sometimes I get lazy, careless, or short-tempered. Since I’m retired, my life is not so demanding. I don’t have to deal with difficult people or make challenging decisions. I don’t have a schedule. I just try to do the right thing
While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
I got him a Guinness. He didn’t like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Kilkenny’s, he didn’t like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn’t. I drank it.
I thought maybe he’d like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson’s; nope!
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland’s finest whisky. He wouldn’t even smell it.
What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn’t like to drink, I was so off my face I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!
Irish Confession
I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
When the priest came in, I said to him, “Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”
He replied, “You moron, you’re on my side.”
Some Light Dublin Traffic Humor
A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
“Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins.” shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are; show them your cross.”
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “**** off, ya…. $X@!# …before I come over there and…..$X@!#….” She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough?”
AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely naked.”
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed: “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her clothes) and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”
The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching the dice.”
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all Irish are drunks.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men…. are men.
Irish Fun
Mick says to Paddy: “Close your curtains the next time you’re shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”
Paddy says: “Well the joke’s on them stupid bastards, because I wasn’t even home yesterday.”
______________________________ __
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says “For God’s sake Paddy, that’s your air freshener swinging about!”
______________________________ __
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, ‘Not guilty.’
‘That’s grand!’ shouted Reilly. ‘Does that mean I can keep the money?’
______________________________ __
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he’s very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
______________________________ __
Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up ’til two o’clock in the morning. I can’t break her out of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin’ at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin’ for me to come home.
______________________________ __
The girls headed back to the bedroom. Lynn’s mom sat down and patted the bed beside her. Lou sat next to her. Lynn sat on the other side of Lou holding Lynn’s hand. Lynn’s mom put her arm around Lynn. “First of all, let’s get comfortable. My name is Kathy. My nickname is Kat. Would you like to call me Aunt Kat? That seems a lot closer than Miss Kat. I think we’re gonna feel like family before we get you home. We will get this figured out, somehow. It’s really confusing now but I can tell you and your grandma love each other a lot. She’s not the kind of person to forget about someone she loves. You can bet on that.
That sheriff is not taking you anywhere. You’re staying right here with us. How else would your grandma find you? Now don’t you worry. I’ll take care of you just like you were my own. Lynn, get Lou one of your nightgowns. There’s plenty of room for both of you in Lynn’s big bed. See this pretty quilt on the bed. My grandma made it for my wedding present. You two girls can play till bedtime. You are guaranteed to sleep sweetly under it. I’ll be back to tuck you in.”
Lou felt so much better. Lynn spread out her Chinese Checker set out on the floor. In a few minutes they were giggling. I’ve never seen this game.” said Lou. “It’s a lot of fun! I usually just play on my IPad.”
“Oh, I don’t have to play this on a special pad. Me and Billy usually just sit on the floor. Mother doesn’t want us to play on the bed.” Lynn explained.
Lou laughed, “An IPad is an electronic tablet that has lots of games on it. I play with mine all the time. Do you have a tablet?”
“Sure, I have tablets but I have to save them for school. I save my old papers to draw pictures on and play tic tac toe and hangman. Do you like to draw pictures?” Lynn asked.
“Yeah. What do you draw?” Lou asked. “I like to do monsters and robots. Sometimes I do really good robots crashing down buildings and bridges.” said Lou.
“ I do really good horses and mountains. Sometimes I do cowboys camping or wagon trains. Do you want to have a contest? That would be fun!” Lynn jumped up and got some paper and pencils. They lay on the floor and sketched. Then Lynn’s mother came in with a plate of peanut butter sandwiches. She also brought cups of cocoa.
“Thanks, Mother.” Said Lynn.
“Yes, thanks, Aunt Kat” repeated Lou.
“You girls didn’t eat much supper, so I brought you a snack. What’s this?” she asked, looking at their pictures. These are really good!
“We’re having a drawing contest! Who wins?” asled Lynn.
“Don’t make me choose.” she said. “You are both really good. Lou, I believe I saw a little smile. Are you feeling better?”
“Yes, “she smiled. “I am. I know Grandma will be back for me.”
“There you go. I’m sure she will. Now, clean up and go to bed. Don’t talk too long. We have a busy day tomorrow.” She kissed them both and tucked them in.
“Mother, you always say that.” giggled Lynn.
“That’s because tomorrow is always a busy day. Good night, girls.” she closed the door quickly.
“Your mom is nice.“ said Lou.
“Yeah, she is.” said Lynn.
“But your dad’s a little scary.” Lynn told her.
“Yep.” said Lynn.
In my many years working as an acute dialysis nurse, on the evenings I was on call, the last thing I did before packing it in for the day was look to see if any of my patients who were frequently admitted were were being seen in the Emergency Room. If they were, I checked their diagnosis to see if I was likely to be called back to do an emergency treatment. I’d much rather tend to problems sooner than layer. I never learned to enjoy being awakened at two am for care I could have completed before midnight.
The first employee a patient saw upon entering the ER was usually a clerk with no medical training. They asked the patient what the problem was and typed it directly in. Should the patient be in distress, a nurse was summoned immediately. Some diagnoses in the computer raised more questions than they answered.
3. Fried worms in ear(Grandma used folk cure)
4. Lightbulb, sausage,flashlight up rectum(not uncommon)
5. Paper cut(wanted work excuse)
6. Request viagra prescription
7. Baby threw up once after eating squash(fine now. Eating chips)
8. Found 2 ticks on pants(hadn’t attached, mom wanted child checked)
9. Nausea(patient had vomiting phobia)
10. Mosquito bite(no rash, allergic reaction)
Thankfully ERs are there for people who need them but everything is not an emergency!
A monkey one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.
As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.
“Wow, this is great,” he thought. It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight.
Lots of other monkeys, all free and nibbling on bananas. “Hey,” he called. “I’m a monkey from the laboratory and I’ve just escaped.
Are you wild monkeys?” “Yes. Come and join us,” they cried.
Our friend trotted over to them and started eating the bananas. It tasted so good. “What else do you wild monkeys do?” he asked. “Well,” one of them said. “You see that field there? It’s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.” This, he couldn’t resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.
Later, he asked them again, “What else do you do?” “You see that tree there? It’s got papayas growing in it. We eat that as well.” The papayas tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.
“It’s fantastic out here in the world” he told them.
“So are you going to live with us then?” one of them asked.
“I’m sorry, I had a great time but I can’t.” The wild monkeys all stared at him, a bit surprised.
“Why? We thought you liked it here.”
“I do,” our friend replied. “But I must get back to the lab. I’m dying for a cigarette.”
Best Monkey Jokes for Saturday Night
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.He orders a drink and while he’s drinking,the monkey jumps all around the place.The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them.Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then he jumps onto the pool table,grabs one of the billiard balls,sticks it in his mouth,and to everyone’s amazement,somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy,”Did you see what your monkey just did?”
“No,what?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table …Whole!”
“Yeah,that doesn’t suprise me,” replied the guy,”he eats everything in sight, the little bum.I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”
He finishes his drink,pays for his bill,pays for the stuff the monkey ate,then leaves.
Two weeks later he’s in the bar again,and has his monkey with him.He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.He grabs it,sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted.”Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.
“No, what?” replied the man.
“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his but,pulled it out, and ate it!” said the bartender.
“Yeah, that doesn’t suprise me,” replied the guy. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.”
What have you been putting off doing? Why?
My flower beds are crying out for a clean up. The heat of July, August, and early September is horrendous in Louisiana. We go for weeks with temperatures over one hundred degrees. Just this week it is cooling off enough I can take on the onerous task of weeding and cleanup. First, I will sprinkle the beds with fire ant killer. They don’t seem to mind the heat and build cozy homes in flower beds. After they are evicted, I’ll go to work.
Sheriff Mason left, promising to be back the next morning. It sounded like a threat. “Sit right here.” Lynn’s daddy said. I need to ask you some questions. Lynn go on and do the dishes. This is gonna take a while.” Lynn’s Mother sat nearby, rocking the baby “Now, Lou, you couldn’t possibly have ridden here from Houston today. Do you really believe that or are you hiding something? Look me in the eye. You’re in a lot of trouble and we can’t help you if you aren’t honest” He stared at her fiercely without blinking.
Lou felt sick. How could she be in Louisiana when she was in her normal life in Houston this morning. All she did was take a little ride with Grandma and now this crazy mess. Grandma was gone. She was alone with strangers. The sheriff was probably going to take her to jail in the morning. She wanted to go home! Now! She wanted her mom and her cozy bed. She tried to talk but all she do was cry. The more she thought, the more confused she got. She began to cry harder. It seemed like her life was over. She continued to cry, getting more and more overwhelmed. She’d never felt more lost! No one had ever been more lost. It seemed like the flood gates opened pouring out all her fear and loss. Her sobs got louder and more ragged. Snot poured out of her nose. There were just no words.
Lynn’s mother handed the baby to her husband and said, “That’s enough for tonight. She’s just a little girl, and confused. That’s enough for tonight. Lynn, let’s get Lou ready for bed. She can bunk in with you. Al, you can rock the baby to sleep.”
”But I’ve got to get those goats in the pen! It’s getting late and I’ve got stuff to do.” he protested.
”I’ll be back when I’m through. Take care of the baby. I don’t care about the goats. Come on girls.” She put an arm around Lynn. We’ll figure this out in the morning.”
If Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara. If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.
When the bill arrives, John, Brad, Tony and Daniel will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back. When Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs. A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn’t need, because it’s on sale.
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6. The average number of items in a woman’s bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.
Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Women love cats. Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, will men kick cats.
A woman worries about the future — until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future — until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife. A successful woman is one who can find that a man.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
A woman will dress up when she goes shopping, empties the garbage, answers the phone, waters the plants, gets the mail and reads a book. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed. Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people to remember the same thing.
I didn’t fight back, I just put the red laser dot on his forehead
The three cats di the rest.
(Disclaimer: I believe this is OC because I heard it in Cantonese and I’ve translated it, so also, apologies for bad English)
A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other, and ties them to the chairs. The burglar slowly and methodically begins stealing from the house.
When the burglar has taken everything of value, he gets ready to leave, the homeowners still bound to their chairs, when suddenly, the man yells at the burglar,
“Please untie her, please, let her go!”
The thief responds with,
“No, I’m not untying either of you so that the authorities get notified as late as possible. Don’t worry, your neighbours will soon wonder why your lights are still on throughout the night and check in on you long before you succumb to dehydration”
The man yet again pleads,
“Please, just untie her, I’ll do anything!”
The burglar once again explains his reasoning,
“I need to get away with this crime, I’m sorry, I can’t leave anything up to chance.”
The man shuffles his chair towards the burglar, in a state of mania, exclaims,
“I’m begging you man, just let her go, she won’t call the cops, I promise!”
The burglar, still unwilling to budge, did find it quite touching how much his hostage cared about his wife.
“Wow,” he said “You must really love your wife to beg me to untie her so desperately”
“No,” The man replied, in a state of frenzy
He goes to the teller, points a gun to her face and says “This is a robbery! If anybody moves or tries any funny business, they get shot!”
The teller then reaches over the counter and grabs the mask, revealing the face of the burglar.
The burglar says “you’ve seen my face!” and shoots her dead. He then says “has anyone else seen my face?!?”
A man with his head down yells out “I haven’t seen your face, but I think my wife, beside me here, may have gotten a glimpse”.
They go into a dark alley and hide in three sacks. The police look around and one of them kicks the first sack and the burglar goes “meow”, “just cats” he thinks. He then kicks the second one and the the second burglar goes ” meow” so the police pass it off as more cats. He then kicks the last sack and the burglar says “potatoes”.
"Creative Insights for Designers & Digital Artists
Emmitt Owens
Let’s fix it
Finding Meaning in Modern Life
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POETRY RANDOM THOUGHTS AND STUFF LIKE THAT...
Your next read is just a shelf away.
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"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter." Mark Twain
Wayzom3.wordpress.com
Stories from a cemetery researcher, pipeline wife, amateur farmer & mom!
Empowering our People
having fun since 1995.
"Creative Insights for Designers & Digital Artists
Emmitt Owens
Let’s fix it
Finding Meaning in Modern Life
Real motherhood. Real fun. Real life with two wild boys.
Exploring biblical promises and their fulfillment in Israel and the Middle East.
Online hookup services
POETRY RANDOM THOUGHTS AND STUFF LIKE THAT...
Your next read is just a shelf away.
Creative alchemy for the soul
Projects, Observations, Stories and Happenings
"Consider the birds of the air...."
Exploring the writing and inspirations of Elisa Weeber
"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter." Mark Twain
Wayzom3.wordpress.com
Stories from a cemetery researcher, pipeline wife, amateur farmer & mom!
Empowering our People
having fun since 1995.
"Creative Insights for Designers & Digital Artists
Emmitt Owens
Let’s fix it
Finding Meaning in Modern Life
Real motherhood. Real fun. Real life with two wild boys.
Exploring biblical promises and their fulfillment in Israel and the Middle East.
Online hookup services
POETRY RANDOM THOUGHTS AND STUFF LIKE THAT...
Nutsrok 