Author: lbeth1950

lbeth1950https://nutsrok.wordpress.comNow that I'm done with the bothersome business of workday world, I am free to pursue my passion, capturing the stories I've loved all my life. The ones you'll read on my blog are good old Southern stories, a real pleasure to relay. Here in the South, we are proud of our wacky folks. I've preyed shamelessly on my family, living and dead, friends, neighbors, and acquaintances, often changing the names to protect the innocent and not so innocent. My mother illustrates my blog. I come from a rollicking family of nuts, hence the name of the blog Nutsrok Enjoy.
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Best of the Morning Funnies

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money
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money

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Kentucky State Lottery?

The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

“Daddy,” a little boy asked his father. “How much does it cost to get married?”

“I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it.”

Talent does what it can, genius what it must.

I do what I get paid to do.

girl,bikini:5

What is the thinnest book in the world?

“What men know about women.”

What do you call a womanwho works as hard as a man?

Lazy.

policeman,shield

What not to say to the nice policeman:

I can’t reach my licenseunless you hold my beer.

What is the differencebetween a sofa and a manwatching Monday Night Football?

The sofa doesn’t keep asking for beer.

Grown Up

When was the first time you really felt like a grown up (if ever)?

I felt totally foot-loose and fancy-free until the birth of my first child. With his birth, I understood I was totally responsible for his life. I realized his needs came before everything else. I felt like I became a totally different person.

Penguin jokes

What do penguins sing at their birthday parties?

Freeze a jolly good fellow.

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How does a penguin build its house?

Igloos it together.

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Where does a penguin keep all his money?

In the snow bank.

 

The other day a police officer pulls over a man driving a bus over and walks on up to the side windows and he sees 20 penguins in there.

The officer questions the man “sir, are these your penguins?”

The man replies “yep, they are my pet penguins”

The officer then says “sir, I am going to need you to take those penguins to the zoo immediately!”

The man says “ok” to the officer and he drives off towards the zoo.

The following day the officer pulls over the same bus and is shocked to see the same 20 penguins inside all wearing sunglasses.

The officer looks sternly at the driver and says “I thought I ordered you to take these penguins to the zoo?”

The man replies “I did, and today we are all going to the beach!”

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A local bartender was working late one friday night when a patron comes running through the door.

Patron: “HELP! I need to know how tall a penguin is!”

The bartender puts out his hand and says “probably this tall”

The patron looks terribly concerned and he says “Oh no! I think I just ran over a nun!” 

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A penguin walks into a chemist and requests to purchase a pack of condoms. 

The chemist asks him “Would you like me to put that on your bill?”

The penguin replies “I’m not that kind of penguin”

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What is black and white and goes around and around?

A penguin who is stuck in a revolving door.

 

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What is a penguins favourite food to have for dinner?

Iceburgers.

 

 

 

What do Penguins like to wear on the heads?

Ice caps.

 

 

 

Why do penguins always come first when they race other animals?

Because they are peng-wins!

 

 

 

Why is it so hard to write a book on penguins?

Because they always squirm, are kind of slippery and writing a book on paper is much easier.

 

 

 

Why is it best for 2 penguins who are stuck in a nest to always be nice and respectful to one another?

They don’t want to fall out.

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Who is every penguin’s favourite musical artists?

Seal. They also enjoy sole music.

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Lynn and Lou Part 8 Kidnapping and Stormy Nights

Little Connie went to sleep in her high chair, her head drooping on to her high chair tray. Mother wiped her up the best she could. Connie didn’t stir till Mother tried to take the chicken bone she was clutching in her greasy fit. She almost woke as she struggled to hang on to it. Mother gave up and carried Connie to her crib to dress for bed. In a few minutes, she was back. Lynn had lain the baby on a blanket on the floor. For once, she wasn’t crying. Mother sat down and picked up her fork.

“I’m ready for dessert.” Lynn’s daddy said.”You eat. Lynn can get it.”

Mother looked upset. “I didn’t get time to make one. It was a tough day with the babies.”

“Well, you had Lynn here to help. Couldn’t one of y’all have made a cake? My mama or sisters made a cake everyday.” He was interrupted by the dogs barking. “Let me see who that is.” He scooted his chair back and walked outside. Billy followed him, banging the door.

Startled, the baby wailed. “Doggone it. I thought I might get to eat. Lynn, leave my plate covered with a napkin when you clear the table.” Mother picked up the baby to give her a bottle and sat in the rocker. She looked exhausted.

Lynn showed Lou how to scrape the plates into a bucket of scraps. She ran a pan of dishwater and put the dishes on to soak while she cleared and wiped the table. There was nothing left except a couple of pieces of cornbread and a little gravy which went in the scrap bucket. The dos would get these later.

Before they could start the dishes, Lynn’s daddy came back in with a man wearing a badge. He called the girls. “Girls, this is Sheriff Mason. He wants to talk to you.” Daddy looked worried. “This is my daughter Lynn and the friend she met today, Lou.”

“Young ladies.” Sheriff Mason said seriously. “The mailman stopped by my office when he finished his route telling me a strange story. He said a girl showed up here claiming her Grandma had been kidnapped today and maybe killed. Lou, Do you know anything about that?”

Lou started to cry. “No. I don’t say anything about her being kidnapped or killed. I just said she disappeared during the storm. I don’t know what happened. I just want to find her. I want to go home.”

“Sure, you do.” Sheriff Mason said. “Tell me what happened so we can get you home. How did you get way out here. Start at the beginning.”

Lou sniffed and wiped her nose on the handkerchief Daddy handed her. “Grandma and I were out riding when a big storm started. We got under a tree when lightning flashed and jolted us. It was terrible. When I looked for Grandma, she was gone. She just disappeared!” Then Lynn fell out of a tree onto me. That’s all. “

“You didn’t see or hear anything else?”

“No. The lightning flashed and Grandma disappeared.” Lou insisted.

“You know that’s a strange story. You aren’t playing with me are you? I need to ask you a few questions. What’s your name and age?”

“Everybody calls me Lou but my name is Eloise Daly and I’m nine years old.” she answered.

“What’s your address?” Sheriff Mason asked.

“3412 Crawford Road, Houston, Texas. My mother’s phone number is 724-678-5367. She’ll come get me if you call her.” offered Lou.

“If you live in Houston, Texas, you couldn’t have ridden here on a bike.” the sheriff said.

“I wasn’t on a bike. I was on a scooter. Grandma rode a bike but we didn’t get far from home before she got tired and wanted to take a break. I doubt we rode more than ten minutes.” Lou explained.

“Wait a minute. You’re telling me you rode here from Houston in ten minutes? You and an old lady? That makes no sense. Houston is more than two hundred miles away. We are in Bossier Parish , Louisiana.What really happened? Did you run away from home? Did your folks dump you off. Is this a big joke, because if it is, you’re in big trouble starting a story about your Grandma getting kidnapped and maybe killed. This ain’t funny! It ain’t funny at all! I got a mind to haul you in till your grandma turns up.” The sheriff was mad.

Lynn’s daddy spoke up.”Look Sheriff Mason. I just got in. I don’t know any more than you do. Can we let this rest for now? Maybe you can call her mother and find out what’s going on. She’ll be okay here. We’ll look after her till you do some checking”

The sheriff thought about it. “Well, if you want to put up with her, go ahead. I ain’t got nowhere to put her tonight no how.”

To be continued:

Million Dollar Gift

If you had a million dollars to give away, who would you give it to?

If I had a million dollars to give away. I would probably give it to St. Jude. They do so much good and save so many lives. I am grateful for all they do.

Navigating Life with Seniors: Lessons Learned

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imageI wonder if I do a lot of “old person” stuff? It’s probably one of those things your kid would have to tell you. Let me explain. After we went to the grocery store, I took Mother to Gateway to pick up her car. She took her small bag of groceries with her and went in to pay and get her keys while I waited in the lot off to the side, To be sure everything worked out okay. I knew I should have gone in with her. A few minutes later, she pulled behind me, blocking me and two other drivers. As the other drivers honked, Mother left her car in the drive and came over to talk to me.

“They just had to fix the front brakes. The back ones were fine! It only cost one hundred twenty-one dollars.” She was beaming.

“That’s great, but you need to move your car. People are honking!”

“Well they’re just gonna have to wait. I have to get my groceries.” She replied, huffily.

“Mother, you already put your bag in the car.”

“Oh, I forgot. Anyway, I had to tell you everything was okay.”

Annoyed at my nerve, she got in her car, pulled out and cut it too short, running over the curb as she pulled out.

About fifteen minutes after I got home, I got a call, “Could you see if I left my phone in your car. I can’t find it, anywhere.”

She had.

Excellent Blonde Jokes

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nodded, “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“No, from skipping.”

A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, ” Officer, I’m so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!” The officer looks at her, then says, “Ma’am, that’s your air freshener.”

A blond to a bartender:
Blonde: A glass of the greatest Less, please.
Bartender: A glass of what? Is it the name of the foreign beer?
Blonde: I don’t know, my doctor advised me to drink Less.

The conversation between two blondes:
Bl. 1: I’ve heard that Christmas will be on Friday this year.
Bl. 2: Well, I hope it’s not on Friday the 13th!

Q: What do you call a blond who dyed her hair brown?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: What is the name of a blonde who has a brain?
A: A golden retriever.

A blond girl was caught by a blonde policewoman for overspeeding while driving a car.
P: Please, show me your driving license, ma’am.
B: What is a driving license?
P: Something that has your face on it.
A blond girl shows the policewoman her mirror and tells her:
B: Here it is!
P: Wow, I didn’t know you were also a policewoman.

Two blond women are going to Disneyland by car. One of them saw the sign “Disneyland Left”. They no longer headed to Disneyland. They just turned the car and went home.

The conversation between two blondes:
Bl. 1: I did a pregnancy test yesterday. The answer was negative.
Bl. 2: Why negative? Were the questions too difficult?

Lou and Lynn Part 7 Behind the Scenes of a Family Meal: A Story of Help and Harmony

”Lynn, I need you and Lou to watch Connie while I make the cornbread and put the chicken on to fry. I want to get it done before the baby wakes up. Maybe Lou can help and y’all can get the table set. Don’t forget to wash your hands. Around here, everybody has to pitch in or we won’t get supper till midnight. When Daddy gets home we’ll have to talk about your grandma, Lou.”


“Yes Ma’am” said Lynn. She balanced Connie on one hip while she washed her hands. “Come on , Lou. Wash up.”

Lou was surprised to be put to work. Mom wouldn’t have done that but she did want to eat. Lynn handed out mismatched plates and pointed out the silverware drawer. If you’ll put a plate and forks and spoons out, I’ll get glasses. Then we’ll take Connie in the living room to play.

Lynn set Connie in a big cardboard box in the middle of the living room floor and tossed a few toys in. The tiny girl played happily.

”Why do you have to work so much?” Lou asked. “Does it make you mad? My parents do most of the work.”

”I have to help. Since the babies came along, Mother can’t do it all. We never would get supper if she had to. I have to do dishes after supper, too. Then, I’m done. I wish Mother had gotten a dishwasher instead of another baby.” she laughed.

The aroma of the fried chicken coming from the kitchen was wonderful. Just then, then barking of the dogs announced an approaching vehicle. Lynn looked out the door. “It’s Daddy and Billy!” She called out to Mother.

”Just in time!” Mother said. “Pour the milk and help me get supper on the table, girls!” Lynn put Connie in the high chair and gave her a couple of crackers. Connie went to work on them.

Billy came bursting in the front door. “We sold all the pigs and got some goats!” He shouted, slamming the door behind him.

“Wah!” An angry wail sounded from the back of the house.

“Oh no! You woke the baby. Now I won’t get to eat. How many times do I have to tell you not to slam that door!” Mother tossed her dish towel on the counter and got the baby. “Lynn, do you want to finish getting supper on the table or take care of the baby?”

“I’ll get supper on the table. Come on Lou.” They loaded the table with a platter of fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, beans, and cornbread. The last touch was a dish of butter. It smelled wonderful!

Daddy came in the back door. “Good, supper’s ready. I’m starving! I’m going to wash up. Everybody get to the table.” Everybody took a place. “Billy, did you wash your hands?”

”Yessir.” said Billy, holding up wet hands.

”Well, dry them on your napkin and say Grace”

Everyone bowed their heads as Billy prayed.
“God is great.

God is good.

Let us thank him for this food.
Amen. Can I have a drumstick?”

”Amen!” said Daddy. “Son, didn’t you get a little ahead of yourself?”

”Yessir.” said Billy, passing his plate. Daddy took the baby while Mother served plates.

Daddy turned to Lynn. “Lynn. Who is your friend?”

”Daddy, this is Lou. She was riding with her grandma when they got caught by a storm. Her grandma disappeared. We went up to talk to Miss Betsy. She said she’d pass the word to the neighbors but we haven’t heard a peep.” Lynn had covered the story.

”That’s quite a story. There must be more to it.” He turned to Lou. “Can you tell us anything else? People don’t just disappear. Exactly what happened?”He sounded stern.

Lou felt like she’d done something wrong. “There’s nothing else to tell. One minute she was there. The next she wasn’t”

”I don’t know about that.” Daddy said. “ Everybody eat while your food is hot. We’ll talk about this more after supper.

To be continued:



A Glimpse into Historical Language: Dialect Words Explained

When I was a kid I was fascinated by the dialect of those of my grandparent’s generation. I am referring to family members born between 1884 and 1887. Their language was unique and intriguing. Manners were much stricter then and children were forbidden to interrupt. I learned to listen very carefully and inferred meanings from their use in context. Should I not be able to interpret, save the word until I could ask my parents. Language was intoxicating. I’ll share some from my collection below, used in context, the way I learned them.

Airy: “Airy(any)one of them tablecloths will be fine.”

Nairy: “Nairy(neither) one of them is worth the powder it would take to blow them away.”

Na’arn: Ain’t na’arn(none)of them gals acting right.”

Et: “I et(ate) all I could hold.”

Het: “She got mighty het up(angry) when her man run off!”

Heared: I just couldn’t believe it when I heared(heard) it!“

Holp: Holp(help) me with

Holpt: He holpt(helped) us quite a bit.”

Fur piece: It’s a fur piece(quite a distance) over there.”

Tolerable: I’m feeling tolerable.” (not well, but better)

Fitten: That slop ain’t fitten(good enough) for the dogs.”

Thanks for: Thanks for(please pass)the beans.”

Cyarn: That place smells like cyarn.” (Carrion)

Pert’near: He ought to know better than that! He’s pert’near (pretty near) grown!”

Young’uns: They got all them young’uns(children) to feed.”

Chillun: All their chillun(children) eats dirt.”

Farred up: Too late for talking. He’s all farred upready to fight.”

Passel: “Oh, they got a passel(a lot) of hounds under their porch.”