What’s something you would attempt if you were guaranteed not to fail.
Assuming I were given a guarantee of success, I’d be a gymnast. I was never lithe nor coordinated, even as a child. The vision of me doing a floor routine or performing on the uneven bar is ludicrous. I think I was built for utility not grace.
A laughing, blue-eyed baby sat splashing happily in a puddle of pee as the girls walked in the back door. She staggered to her knees and waddled crazily holding her hands up to Lynn. Her droopy diaper was barely hanging on.
“Oh Lynn.” I’m so glad you’re home. Can you please take that wet diaper off Connie and put her in the bathtub? The mop’s over there. You need to mop up that puddle before somebody slips in it. And DON’T wake the little baby up.” Lynn’s mother said.
Lynn’s face fell. “Mother, what if her diaper’s poopy?”
“You’d smell it if it was. If you’d rather peel these potatoes and put them on to boil, I’ll do it. Which will it be? Everyone has to help.” She said.
“I’ll do the bath.” said Lynn woefully. picking Connie up and holding her at arm’s length. “Lou, can you mop up that puddle?”
“Sure,” said Lou, making quick work of the puddle. She followed Lynn down the hall to the bathroom. The droopy diaper fell off in the hall, splatting as it hit.
“Thank goodness, no poop!” laughed Lynn. It’s my lucky day. I wouldn’t want to clean that up. She sat Connie in the tub and started running the water. Connie tried to stand and Lynn handed her a wash cloth. The baby sat and started splashing. Water went everywhere. She was so cute Lou couldn’t help laughing. “Lou, can you watch her while I get the diaper? Don’t let her stand up. She’ll fall.”
“Nooooo!” Said Lou. “I’ll get the diaper. I never took care of a baby.!” Before that, Lou would never have expected to mop up pee or volunteer to pick up a wet diaper. She trotted out of the bathroom and returned holding the wet diaper by the tiniest corner. She’d still gotten pee on her fingers. She rinsed them off in the bathtub, splashing Connie a little. Connie laughed out loud, slapping bath water back at Lou. She was adorable. It was fun bathing the baby.
Lynn’s mom appeared at the bathroom door. “Thanks , Lynn. I’ll finish. Can you girls run out to the chicken yard and gather eggs? I need a couple for the cornbread. Go ahead and feed the chickens while you’re out there.”
“Yes, ma’am.” answered Lynn., heading out the kitchen door. She picked up a bucket off the porch. Lou tagged along, following Lynn into a a wire enclosure full of squawking chickens. The chickens rushed at the girls. Lynn scooped up a bucket of corn from a barrel tossing it on the ground to the greedy chickens. A big rooster jumped on Lynn’s shoulder to eat out of her hand. “Hey Chicky! Here’s your supper. I raised Chicky in a box in my room. He thinks I’m his mama because I was there when he hatched out. I just love Chicky. Let’s get the eggs.” She reached into a row of nesting boxes and took an egg out of most. A hen sitting in one nest grumbled and pecked at her when Lynn reached under her”
”Did that hurt?” asked Lou.
”No. She didn’t peck hard. She’s just fussing. We better get these in. Mother’s waiting.” Answered Lynn.
”But you left an egg in every nest.” Lou noted.
”Those are china nest eggs… fake eggs. They fool the hens. If you take all the eggs, they’ll leave the nest.”
”Lynn!” her mother called from the kitchen door. I need those eggs!”
They raced for the house.
To be continued:
I wonder if I do a lot of “old person” stuff? It’s probably one of those things your kid would have to tell you. Let me explain. After we went to the grocery store, I took Mother to Gateway to pick up her car. She took her small bag of groceries with her and went in to pay and get her keys while I waited in the lot off to the side, To be sure everything worked out okay. I knew I should have gone in with her. A few minutes later, she pulled behind me, blocking me and two other drivers. As the other drivers honked, Mother left her car in the drive and came over to talk to me.
“They just had to fix the front brakes. The back ones were fine! It only cost one hundred twenty-one dollars.” She was beaming.
“That’s great, but you need to move your car. People are honking!”
“Well they’re just gonna have to wait. I have to get my groceries.” She replied, huffily.
“Mother, you already put your bag in the car.”
“Oh, I forgot. Anyway, I had to tell you everything was okay.”
Annoyed at my nerve, she got in her car, pulled out and cut it too short, running over the curb as she pulled out.
About fifteen minutes after I got home, I got a call, “Could you see if I left my phone in your car. I can’t find it, anywhere.”
She had.
JOKE #1: Why did Mozart have to get rid of his chickens?
Because all they kept saying was BACH, BACH, BACH.
JOKE #2: Why did the chicken cross the road?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
JOKE #3: What wakes up a chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.
JOKE #4: Why do chickens take so many vacations?
Because they are always cooped up.
JOKE #5: Why do chickens make good investment bankers?
Because they are always working on their nest egg.
JOKE #6: Why did the rooster resent his wife.
He was hen-pecked.
JOKE #7: What does the hen say every night when putting the chicks to bed?
I don’t want to hear a peep out of anybody.
JOKE #8: How do chickens stop traffic?
They use a LEGHORN. (that’s the white breed of chicken)
JOKE #9: What movies do chickens watch?
Anything with Gregory PECK.
JOKE #10: Why did the chicken cross the road?
To run away from all of these terrible jokes!
JOKE #11: What happened when the businessman fired the chicken?
Not much. But it did ruffle some feathers.
JOKE #12: What happened when none of the farmer’s eggs hatched?
He was investigated by the FBI (Federal Bureau of Incubation)
JOKE #13: Why do chickens get hit in the face with pies?
Because chickens can’t duck.
JOKE #14: Why were the teen-aged chickens sent to the principal’s office?
Because they were caught using fowl language.
JOKE #15: What’s the most a chicken can hope for?
To win the PULLET-zer prize.
JOKE #16: Why do chickens make such poor stand up comedians?
Because they can’t wing it very well.
JOKE #17: Why did the two hens faint at the carnival?
They accidentally watched the egg toss.
JOKE #18: Why couldn’t the brave rooster stop the fight?
He was chicken.
JOKE #19: How do you avoid getting into trouble around strict chickens?
You do EGGSactly what you’re told.
….and my worst one….drum(stick)roll please…..
JOKE #20: What steamy romance novel were the hens caught reading last night?
“Chicken Strips in Las Vegas”
When my grandson was about two, I went to babysit for a few days while his preschool was on break. While he was happy enough to have me visit, he wasn’t altogether satisfied with my babysitting services. I spent a great deal of time trying to find an activity that pleased him in the late afternoons before his mom got home. They lived Continue reading
What was the hardest personal goal you’ve set for yourself?
Losing weight is the hardest goal I’ve ever set for myself. It occupies my mind constantly. Finally, I am enjoying some success.
The air was cool and clear after the storm. The late afternoon cast long shadows. The girls ran till they were out of breath. Soon Miss Betsy’s white house came into view. Several hounds raised a ruckus as Lynn opened the gate, totally unconcerned. Lou didn’t quite feel like barging in. “Won’t they bite us?”
“Nah.” Lynn said. “Have you heard of all bark and no bite? Look. This one’s so old he doesn’t even have any teeth. “
A smiling woman in a faded blue housedress and checkered apron came out on the porch. “Hey Lynn, who’s your buddy.? Come on in. I just took tea cakes out of the oven. Arnie just got done milking and the milk’s still warm. How’s your mama and that new baby?”
“Mother’s fine but that baby cries a lot. I wonder if Mother could get her money back.”
“You better not let Mama hear you say that. I think she’s pretty partial to babies.” Miss Betsy shook her finger at Lynn but she laughed.
“We can’t come in. Lou and her Grandma were riding bikes and got caught in the storm. They got separated. Maybe she headed this way. Have you seen a little old lady? “Lynn asked hopefully.
“No.I’ve been busy in the house”said Miss Betsy, “but a couple of cars passed by. Maybe she caught a ride.”
At this, Lou finally broke into tears. Miss Betsy hugged her. “Aw, Baby. Try not to cry. Your grandma’s gonna turn up. People don’t just disappear into thin air.”
Lou wailed. “It seems like she did. She’s just gone.”
Miss Becky looked at the setting sun. “Tell you what girls. I’ll spread the word for everybody to look out for your grandma. Folks around here look out for their neighbors. Let me get you girls a cookie for you to eat on the way home. It’s getting dusky. Lynn, tell your mother I’ll walk down to see her in the morning. Now, scoot!”
Lynn chomped into her cookie as they rounded the curve. Lou didn’t want hers. “Would you look at this?” She took off at a run. “This is the biggest turtle I’ve ever seen! He has a big yellow X on his back!”
At that, Lou raced to get a look. Sure enough, it was the proof Grandma promised her. She grabbed Lynn’s hands and danced her around. “Lynn! Lynn! It’s a message from Grandma! She’s okay! She’s looking for me!”
To be continued:
These (sometimes inappropriate) jokes will be just the thing to crack a smile.
Throughout the last few years, we’ve all realized just how tough life can be. Sometimes, a knock-knock joke doesn’t help lighten the mood and the only resort is to crack a few jokes about things that normally shouldn’t be laughed at like death, disease and depression.
Dark humor jokes should only be told between the closest of friend groups or if you read the room well. These offensive jokes may not be the best way to break the ice with your coworkers or in-laws but your friends or equally twisted members of your family may crack a few smiles. Telling dark humor jokes is a toss-up, but it’s always better to take the risk!
If dark humor jokes make you chuckle, take a peek at this list and compile a list to tell when you and your friends get together. Chances are, they’ll love them just as much as you do.
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105 Bewitching Halloween Pick Up Lines
1. I just got my doctor’s test results and I’m really upset about it. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.
2. My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.
3. Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera.
4. A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”
5. As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
6. I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
7. The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis.
8. Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.
9. I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.
10. Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smileto your face, like when you push them down the stairs.
11. A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”
12. My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.
13. What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can’t be found.
14. I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
15. When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
16. Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
17. My husband left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what he’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!
18. Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person.
19. It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.
20. Want to know how you make any salad into a caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times.
21. When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings.
22. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
23. My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
24. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.
25. A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?”
26. I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
27. The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
28. You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.
29. Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere.
30. What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
31. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.
32. My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.
33. What did the Titanic say as it sank? I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!
34. Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”
35. How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
36. I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5.
37. They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline.
38. My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
39. I have many jokes about unemployed people—sadly none of them work.
40. The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted.
41. To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.
42. I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put down.
43. You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
44. I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.
45. What’s the difference between a hipster and a football player? A football player showers.
46. I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page.
47. The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
48. Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because he’s dead.
49. “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.
50. It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. But, I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
51. Never break someone’s heart, they only have one of those. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
52. What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
53. When ordering food at a new restaurant, my wife asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken.“Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”
54. What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One is a superhero and the other is a simple command.
55. I’ll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died. “Are you still holding the ladder?”
56. Sorry, what’s the quickest way to get to the hospital? Easy, just stand in the middle of a busy road.
57. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
58. What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.
59. What’s the difference between jelly and jam? You can’t jelly a clown into the tiny car.
60. My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
61. What do you call inexpensive circumcision? A rip-off.
62. What did the woman with no hands get for Christmas? No idea. She hasn’t opened her present yet.
63. “I work with animals,” the guy says to his Tinder date. “That’s so sweet,” she replies. “I like a man who loves animals. Where do you work?” “I’m a butcher,” he says.
64. What’s the difference between a baby and a sweet potato? About 140 calories.
65. You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
66. Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
67. Why was the leper hockey game canceled? It was because of a face-off in the corner.
68. They say the surest way to a man’s heart is through the stomach. But, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.
69. What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield of a car going 80 mph? Its butt.
70. What’s the special dish in a restaurant for cannibals? Heads, shoulders, knees, and toes
71. Why are friends a lot like snow? If you pee on them, they disappear.
72. What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter what you call him, he won’t come anyway.
73. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
74. Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you. But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.
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75. My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
76. Happy 60th birthday. At last, you can live undisturbed by life insurance agents!
77. Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to hit you. That’s the punch line.
78. Dark humor is like food. Not everyone gets it.
79. The cemetery is so crowded. People are just dying to get in.
80. I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person.
81. I know a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
82. I childproofed my house. Somehow they still got in!
83. Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.
84. Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!
85. Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst.
86. People with Covid have no taste!
87. My favorite Disney movie is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I love a hero with a twisted back story.
88. My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.
89. I heard Sony is coming out with a new video game console to help us get through the pandemic. It’s called the Plaguestation 5.
90. I’ve stopped making jokes about Covid to my brother. They flu over his head.
91. My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
92. I got a job at a library, but it only lasted 15 minutes. Turns out, books about women’s rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section.
93. I started crying when dad was cutting onions. Onions was such a good dog.
94. My daughter asked me how stars die. “Usually an overdose,” I told her.
95. What do you call it when every one of your friends makes too many dumb Covid jokes? A pundemic.
96. What did Kermit the Frog say at his puppeteer’s funeral? Not a word.
97. Why is there air conditioning in hospitals? To keep the vegetables cool and fresh.
98. The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.
99. Since the pandemic started, my husband just stands there sadly looking through the window. I should probably go let him inside.
100. I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.
101. Why did the zombies get divorced? Their marriage was dead.
102. What do you call headphones that walk out on their children? Deadbeats.
103. I asked my wife to clean the oven. I probably should have turned it off first.
104. I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
105. When I was a kid, I was afraid of the dark. Now that I’m grown up, the electricity bill made me afraid of the light.
106. I thought opening a door for a lady was good manners, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane.
107. I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read.
108. My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?
109. Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to meet so many new faces.
110. My wife is mad that I ruined our anniversary. I’m not sure how, I didn’t even know it was today.
111. I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.
112. I took my family skydiving. I should have given them parachutes.
113. If someone burns to death, do they get a discount at the cremation?
114. My therapist said time heals all wounds, so I stabbed her.
115. My husband told me to do whatever makes him happy. I’m going to miss him.
116. If you think I would joke about Alzheimer’s, forget it.
117. My wife told me she wants another baby. I told her, “That’s a relief, I don’t really like this one anyway.
118. I hope death is a woman. That way it will never look at me twice.
119. I have a joke about trickle down economics, however, 99% of you will never get it.
120. My husband is driving me to drink. I guess it’s better than taking me for a walk.
121. How are marriages like algebra? Because when you look at your X, you can’t help but wonder Y.
122. What is yellow and can’t swim? A dead goldfish.
123. I’ll never forget my dad’s last words, “Erase my search history, son.”
124. Stop elephant poaching. Everyone knows the best way to eat an elephant is grilled.
125. I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
"Creative Insights for Designers & Digital Artists
Emmitt Owens
Let’s fix it
Finding Meaning in Modern Life
Real motherhood. Real fun. Real life with two wild boys.
Exploring biblical promises and their fulfillment in Israel and the Middle East.
Online hookup services
POETRY RANDOM THOUGHTS AND STUFF LIKE THAT...
Your next read is just a shelf away.
Creative alchemy for the soul
Projects, Observations, Stories and Happenings
"Consider the birds of the air...."
Exploring the writing and inspirations of Elisa Weeber
"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter." Mark Twain
Wayzom3.wordpress.com
Stories from a cemetery researcher, pipeline wife, amateur farmer & mom!
Empowering our People
having fun since 1995.
"Creative Insights for Designers & Digital Artists
Emmitt Owens
Let’s fix it
Finding Meaning in Modern Life
Real motherhood. Real fun. Real life with two wild boys.
Exploring biblical promises and their fulfillment in Israel and the Middle East.
Online hookup services
POETRY RANDOM THOUGHTS AND STUFF LIKE THAT...
Your next read is just a shelf away.
Creative alchemy for the soul
Projects, Observations, Stories and Happenings
"Consider the birds of the air...."
Exploring the writing and inspirations of Elisa Weeber
"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter." Mark Twain
Wayzom3.wordpress.com
Stories from a cemetery researcher, pipeline wife, amateur farmer & mom!
Empowering our People
having fun since 1995.
"Creative Insights for Designers & Digital Artists
Emmitt Owens
Let’s fix it
Finding Meaning in Modern Life
Real motherhood. Real fun. Real life with two wild boys.
Exploring biblical promises and their fulfillment in Israel and the Middle East.
Online hookup services
POETRY RANDOM THOUGHTS AND STUFF LIKE THAT...
Nutsrok 