Author: lbeth1950

lbeth1950https://nutsrok.wordpress.comNow that I'm done with the bothersome business of workday world, I am free to pursue my passion, capturing the stories I've loved all my life. The ones you'll read on my blog are good old Southern stories, a real pleasure to relay. Here in the South, we are proud of our wacky folks. I've preyed shamelessly on my family, living and dead, friends, neighbors, and acquaintances, often changing the names to protect the innocent and not so innocent. My mother illustrates my blog. I come from a rollicking family of nuts, hence the name of the blog Nutsrok Enjoy.
lbeth1950's avatar

Lou and Lynn Part 3 Looking for Grandma

As the rain pounded on the roof, Lou looked all around. “Boy, I hope Grandma’s not out in this! It’s dangerous!” Her lip quivered, though no tears escaped. “I will not cry! I will not cry! I am not a cry baby!” Facing away from Lynn, she stiffened her back and clinched her fist.

Lynn put her hand on Lou’s shoulder. “Lou, I know you’re worried but your grandma’s probably up at the house with Mother. Look around. We’d see her if she was out here. As soon as the storm’s over, we’ll head for the house.”

That made sense. “But won’t your mom be looking for you out in this storm?” Lou sniffled a little, still fighting tears.

“Oh no!” Lynn laughed. “She knows exactly where I am. We always play in the barn when it rains.”

That caught Lou’s attention. “Who is ‘we’?” She asked.

“My brother Billy. He’ll be home after a while. He went with Daddy and my uncle to take a truckload of hogs to the auction.” Now it was her turn for a quivering lip. “I could have ridden in the back with the hogs, but daddy said I’d be so dirty he might sell me by mistake mixed in with the pigs. It makes me so mad to get left out because I’m a girl! It’s just not fair!”

Now, Lou felt sorry for her. “No it’s not.” She agreed.

They were’t the only ones escaping the rain. An enormous red cow with menacing curved horns loped clumsily into the barn. To escape the huge beast, Lou bounded up the stack of baled hay. “ Lookout, she’s gonna get you!” She shouted.

The cow ran straight at Lynn, bellowing and wagging her horns side to side. Lou hid her eyes behind her hands, not wanting to see the cow destroy Lynn. Then she heard laughter. “Bessie, you big old baby. When are you gonna learn to stay with the cows under the shed?”

Bessie leaned into Lynn, licking her face, then nudging her. “Stop it, Bessie! You’re about to knock me down!” With that, she pulled a pear out of her pocket. “Here. That’s all I’ve got. Bessie opened her big mouth and chomped the pear with one big crunch. Pear juice dripped out of her mouth. She bumped Lynn, hoping to shake loose another. “Nope, that’s it.” Bessie looked very disappointed at Lynn’s stinginess.

“You’re not scared of her with those big horns? Lou couldn’t take it in.

“No! We raised her on a bottle from a tiny calf. Her mama wouldn’t feed her. All you have to be worried about is , she might stomp your foot trying to get a treat. That hurts! Want to give her that other pear? Hold it out with your hand flat so she won’t crunch your fingers.”

Lou climbed off the hay and held the pear out to Bessie like Lou showed her. Bessie took in her mouth, gobbling it down in a big, noisy crunch, leaving slimy slobber on her hand. Then she licked Lou’s hand greedily, hoping for more.

“Ooh! That’s gross!” Said Lou., wiping her hands on her shorts.

“Yep. I never said she wouldn’t slobber on you. I just said she wouldn’t bite you,” Lynn clearly found it hilarious.

“Look the rain has stopped. We can go ask Mother if she’s seen your grandma. One thing, though. Don’t bang the doors as you go in. If you wake up the babies and get them crying, I’ll have to stay in and help take care of them. We’ll be stuck in the house.”

“Y’all have babies?” Lou was astonished. She’d rarely had a chance to be around babies.

“Yeah, a big one and a little one. I like the big one best. She’s cute and will play with you. The little one just sleeps and squalls and messes up her diapers. There’s not much fun in that.”

Lou’s ears kind of perked up. She didn’t want to get them crying but it might be fun to look at them. She sure didn’t want to be around for messy diapers. The best thing of all, Grandma was probably in the house, waiting for her! “Let’s go!”

Lost Possessions

What would you do if you lost all your possessions?

That’s a pertinent question for a person living in an area subject to tornadoes and hurricanes. I know many people who have lost everything. If I lost everything from a storm, I would contact my insurance agent. Of course, there are all kinds of losses: theft, fires, betrayal, loss of livelihood, bankruptcy, eviction. No one is immune to the possibility of losing everything. Simply put, I would put one foot in front of the other and do what had to be done, like anyone else.

Jokes

Old ranch owner John farmed a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his workers and sent an agent out to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.

“Well,” replied old John, “There’s my ranch hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90 percent of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,” says the agent.

“That would be me,” replied old rancher John.

 A man was driving for hours through desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and*splat* — he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came to the door, he said, “Pardon me ma’am, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off.”

“Not so fast,” she says. “How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe him? What does he look like?”

The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said, “He looks like this” as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.

“Oh no, you horrible man,” she replied. “I meant, what did he look like before you hit him?”

At that, the man got up , covered his eyes with both hands and screamed, “Agggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Jokes from Farm Babe: AG Daily

The Joy of People-Watching

img_1660The best part of traveling is people-watching.  A young family was sitting a sat or two behind me.  The mother had to take the little girl to the bathroom and interrogated the little boy vigorously as to whether he had to go.  Emphatically, he did not.  Mom annoyed him by asking again.  He stalwartly denied a need to go, despite her insistent interrogation.  Giving up, she took the little girl.  Not long after they were reseated and buckled in, imminent landed was announced.  He’d missed his chance.  Immediately, he set up a howl.  “Mom, get me out of here.  I gotta go! I gotta Go!  The pee is coming down!”

“What!  You said you didn’t have to go!”

 

Next I watched a young mother bouncing her wailing newborn.  Clearly, she was exhausted.  A young man walked up and she handed off baby, bottle, and pacifier. He skillfully bounced and fed the baby with pacifier in his mouth.  What a man!

 

Another couple was corralling two little guys.  The older knocked the smaller off a climbing toy.  Dad exploded.  “That’s it!” and stormed off.  Mom simultaneously calmed the little one and put the other in time out.  He howled.

“You hush and think about what you did.  I don’t like the way you treated your brother.”  He snuffled a while before quieting.  Before too long, he was playing with his brother.   Eventually, Dad was back.

Lou and Lynn Part 2 Adventure to Find Grandma

“I still need to find Grandma.” Lou remembered, reaching for her backpack. “Oh no! I left my phone in my backpack. How can I call Grandma, now? Can I use your phone?” she asked, reaching out to Lynn.

“We don’t have a phone. The lines don’t reach this far out in the country. When Mother has to use the phone she goes to Mr. Jones’s store and pays him fifteen cents.

“Your grandma is probably up at the house with Mama, anyway. There’s nowhere else to go, It’s a mile to the nearest neighbor.” Lynn bounced up and pulled down an old bag swing attached to a rafter. She gave a huge push and raced high up the hay. “Swing it again!”

Lou pushed it hard. Then again. Lynn and hopped onto the swing at its peak, her legs wrapped tightly. The pack of dogs went wild barking and snapping at the swing as it skimmed over their heads. Lynn flew high enough to kick the top of the open doors, scoring an exciting ride till it fizzled to a stop.

Jumping off, she shouted. “Your turn! Climb up on the hay!”

Climbing the hay was the easy part. Lou’s head almost touched the tin roof of the barn. The rain pounded just above my head. Lynn pushed the swing till it gained enough height for me to jump on it. The dogs anxiously waited for their turn to jump at her.

“I’m scared! If I miss, I’m a goner!” Lou complined.

“We do this all the time! You’re not gonna fall…..and if you do, you’ll probably land on a dog.” assured Lynn.

That made sense. There were dogs to spare. As she swung higher and higher, Lou grabbed the rope, held her breath, and jumped, wrapping her legs tightly. Wild horses couldn’t have pulled her off. That leap was the biggest thrill of her life. Laughing hysterically, she kicked the top of the barn doors wishing she could fly forever. Lynn pushed Lou over and over, then jumped on with her. The dogs joined in the fun, chasing and barking.

Though Lynn is lots of fun, Lou didn’t forget she needed to find Grandma as soon as the rain stopped.

Growing Up During Farm Life: A Brother’s Experience

When my brother was a growing up, Daddy had him out working all summer and every Saturday, bush hogging, piling brush, whatever he could think of that Bill could do to relieve his own work load. The fact was, Daddy had bought a farm and bitten off more than he could chew. He laid out a day’s work for Bill every day he wasn’t in school.

Don’t worry. Daddy didn’t neglect me. As often as not, Daddy set me to work right along with Bill. The Louisiana heat was and is miserable. Daddy kept Mother stretched to the max going for tractor parts, transporting power saws to and from the shop, picking up feed from the feed store. That left me to get meals on the table, and do “women’s work” while she was on the road. That meant, the house had better be clean and the TV off.

I digress, the point of the story it. Bill had to be working every day. Poor boy. He’d sweat so much even the insoles of his shoes were soaked through. He only had one pair of work shoes, so they never dried. During this period, the younger girls acquired a cute little lap dog. They made him a tiny bed in which he stored his little puppy treasures. Late one afternoon, Bill was recuperating from his labors and stripped off his socks, dropping them on too of his sweaty shoes. The little dog streaked over and snitched a sock for his treasure trove. Apparently it was too rank for him. In half a minute, he was back, returning the offending sock.

Racism

What’s a topic or issue about which you’ve changed your mind?

Born in 1950, I was raised in the rabidly racist South. I heard the N word daily, though my mother forbade it. My father had no such compunctions. I fully bought into racism, sure whites were superior. I didn’t know a single black person. Then I went to college. I made black friends. I would have liked to have invited them home a but knew that would ignite a firestorm. I am so grateful I learned the truth. If I learned, anyone can.

Guest post! Yippee!

Guest Writer Spot

Esthernewton.wordpress.com

Please visit Esther’s blog and follow. I love it!

Hilarious Short Stories with a Twist

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passengers had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk.” The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. “You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. “Well, did you see this?” “Yes,” motioned the monkey. “What happened?” The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. “They were drinking?” asked the officer. “Yes.” “What else?” The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. “They were smoking marijuana?” “Yes.” “Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked.” “Yes.” “What were you doing during all this?” “Driving.” motioned the monkey.

Share Rate: A Lawyer’s Priorities… One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden, an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver’s side door with him standing right there. “NOOO!” he screamed. Because he knew that no matter how much a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a policeman came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. “MY BMW’S DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!” he exclaimed. “You’re a lawyer aren’t you?” asked the policeman. “Yes, I am. But what does this have to do with my car?” the lawyer asked. “HA!” the policeman replied. “You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about are your possessions. I bet you didn’t even notice that your left arm is missing did you?” the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed: “MY ROLEX!!”

The Dolphin Trainer An elderly man rear ends a young man driving an expensive sports car. Enraged, the guy hops out of his car and confronts the old man. “Look what you did to my car” he yells. “you’re gonna give me $10,000 right now or I’m gonna beat you to a pulp!” “Oh my” says the old man, “I don’t have that kind of money. Let me call my son, he trains dolphins and he’ll know what to do.” “Dolphins…”, the other driver huffs, while rolling his eyes. The old man pulls out his phone, dials his son and just as the son answers, the irate man snatches the phone away from the old man. “So, YOU’RE a dolphin trainer, huh? Well, your old man here just rear ended my car and I need ten grand right now or I’m gonna beat you AND your old man to a pulp. So you better train those dolphins to bring you some cash!” “I’ll be there in 10 minutes.” says the voice calmly on the other end. Exactly ten minutes later a pickup truck pulls up. A huge guy hops out and proceeds to walk calmly towards the bully. Before the enraged young man can speak, the man smoothly rams his head against the other man’s forehead. The bully crumples like paper and the other man catches him, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he’s finished, he walks over to the old man and says: “For the last time dad… I train seals… Navy Seals…. NOT dolphins.” Share Rate: A Hell of a Choice An American and a Russian, who have sinned much in their life, both die in a car accident and go to Hell at the same time. They are met at the gates by Satan, who offers them a choice: They can either go to American Hell or Russian Hell. Both new arrivals are curious as to what the difference is, so Satan explains that in American Hell you are free to do whatever you want; you’ll find that we have all the finest amenities here in Hell, whatever your heart desires, you can find it here! However, you have to eat a shovel-full of manure each morning, but then you’re free to do whatever you’d like. Russian hell is basically the same, but you have to eat TWO shovels full of manure before your start your day. The American is quick to choose American hell, but is flabbergasted when the Russian chooses to go to Russian hell. Several eons later the American bumps into the Russian and says “My Russian friend, Hell wasn’t what I thought at all! Every day I play a round of golf on a beautiful golf course. I hang out with my friends at an amazing social club until late in the afternoon. I meet the most beautiful and charming women. Every night I have an incredible steak dinner at a Michelin Star restaurant. I honestly don’t mind eating the shovel-full of manure in the morning anymore. I mean, it’s no picnic, but you get used to it. One thing has bothered me all this time though, why did you choose to go to Russian Hell? Was it a mistake?” The Russian shrugs: “No mistake. This is Russian Hell, most of the time there is no shovel, and the rest of the time there is no manure!”

https://www.ba-bamail.com/jokes/animal-jokes/?jokeid=984