Author: lbeth1950

lbeth1950https://nutsrok.wordpress.comNow that I'm done with the bothersome business of workday world, I am free to pursue my passion, capturing the stories I've loved all my life. The ones you'll read on my blog are good old Southern stories, a real pleasure to relay. Here in the South, we are proud of our wacky folks. I've preyed shamelessly on my family, living and dead, friends, neighbors, and acquaintances, often changing the names to protect the innocent and not so innocent. My mother illustrates my blog. I come from a rollicking family of nuts, hence the name of the blog Nutsrok Enjoy.
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Lou and Lynn Part 1 Memorable Moments: Riding Bikes with Grandma

Grandma was old and slow but could be cool sometimes. She was funny, always ready to play with Lou. Best of all, when Lou they got to spend the night together, Grandma told her stories. Not the “once upon a time kind” but stories about when Grandma was a kid. She must have been a cool kid from the tales she told. The stories went on until Lou went to sleep.


Grandma was horrible at video games, so one day they decided to find something else to do.
Once they got outside, Grandma was worried about riding a scooter. She poked along on an old bicycle, wobbling every time she hit a little bump. “Whoa! Don’t go off and leave me!” It was hard to ride that slowly. Lou rode in circles so Grandma could keep up.

They didn’t get too far before Grandma needed a break. It must be exhausting being that old. Lou was dizzy from the circling anyway. As they parked under a tree and dug into their snack bags, a bolt of lightning split the sky, Thunder crashed all around them. Soon, it was raining so hard they couldn’t see as far as the road. Lou wished she was safe at home with her parents.

Grandma was upset. “There was’t a cloud in the sky when we left! How did this pop up?”

”What are we gonna do? Lou asked. “I’m scared!”

”I don’t like it either” Grandma said. Just then, another ear-splitting crash of thunder rattled the sky.

The next thing Lou knew, she was picking herself up off the ground, surrounded by fallen pears. Grandma must have been scared and run off. Lou was surprised. She didn’t think Grandma could get out of sight that fast, The sun came out. As Lou looked around, a girl fell out of the tree, almost on top of her. She dusted off her shorts and picked up a couple of pears. “Wow! You have a bike. I wish I had a bike! Do you want a pear?”
Lou had never had a pear straight from a tree, nor even seen a pear tree.

“Nah! I’ve got a juice box and some grapes in my backpack.” When Lou looked around, neither her backpack nor Grandma was anywhere in sight.

”Where am I? Where’s my grandma? She was just here.” Lou was confused.

”You’re on my family’s farm and I never saw your Grandma. We’ll look around for her. What’s your name? I’m Lynn. Come on!”

“I’m Lou and I have to find Grandma I don’t remember being this far from town. There’s not even a real road here.” Lou kicked a rock out of the dirt road.

“Come on, Lou. It looks like a break in the rain! Let’s get in the barn before we get soaked!” Lynn took off running, her ponytail bouncing. Her bare feet kicked up a dust. How in the world could she run like than on rocks?

Rain pelted the girls as they dashed in the huge barn doors. As Lou’s eyes got used to the shadows, she saw dust dancing in the sunbeams in through the big open doors. The strange smell made her sneeze. Huge stacks of hay were stacked high up the barn walls, reaching all the way to the ceiling. A few big dog flop-eared dogs burst through the open doors, barking like the they were having a contest. Jumping up on the stairs steps of hay, they rolled around drying themselves off. A big one jumped on a couple of puppies like she was going to tear them apart!

”Stop them’” Lou yelled. “That big dog is going to hurt those puppies!” Lynn didn’t act worried at all.

”Nah. That’s their mama. She’s just teaching them some manners. Here puppies.” At that, the puppies bounced down like rubber balls, licking Lynn for all they were worth. “These silly guys always think I need a bath.”

By now, the rain was pounding the roof so hard Lou had to shout to make herself heard. “Is this a tornado?”

Lynn laughed.”No. It’s fine. Haven’t you ever heard rain on a tin roof?

To be continued

A Patient’s Fishing Trip: An Unexpected Tale

Hemodialysis treatments typically lasted four hours when I worked in the hospital as a dialysis nurse. I knew many of my patients quite well since it was not uncommon for them to have occasional admissions. Sometimes, we had time to visit once their treatment was in progress. One of my patients, Joe, told me an unforgettable story. A brittle diabetic, he was struggling with failing vision, as well as kidney failure. Hoping to cheer him up, his mother took him fishing. Instead of putting their catch on a stringer, Mama just tossed their fish in a five-gallon bucket of water in the edge of the lake. When they got ready to go home, they put the bucket on the floorboard behind the back seat of their vehicle. Mama was driving, Joe, her passenger, had his arm stretched across the back of the bench seat. Out of the blue, Mama screamed, “Snake! Snake!”, screeched to a halt, and abandoned poor Joe to the snake which had caught a ride in the bucket of fish.

Somehow, the poor sightless man managed to get himself out of the vehicle without his terrified mother’s help. She wouldn’t come near the car with the snake in it. Providentially, a Good Samaritan came to his aid. He never mentioned the outcome with the snake. That story gave me nightmares!

Share Your Best Post: Let’s Connect!

I am perusing my posts from the past.  This one from November, 26, 2015 has the most likes and comments ever! What is the magic?  Is it because we all know the pain of dieting and excel in self-critique?  Thse are funny cartoons, but not the funniest I’ve ever seen.  It is great to see people in their private moments with their mirrors.  We all cherish our foolish moments.  What is your best post ever? It’s ironic that this post required no skill on my part.  Go figure!  Feel free to link.  I often wonder how my friends are faring.  Please link and comment!

diet 1 diet 2 diet3 diet4 diet5 diet 6 diet7 diet 8 diet9 diet 10

To AI or not to AI?

Out of Place

Tell us about a time when you felt out of place.

A few years ago I went to a Thanksgiving dinner hosted by an extended family member. The relative I usually visited with at that party hadn’t made it due to illness. All the men clustered in an animated conversation about trucks, hunting, farming, and fishing. The conversation was interesting but every seat in that room was taken. I opted not to sit on a random lap.

The cousin group set up in the large dining room carrying on a lively cousin discussion. Every seat in that room was taken as well. Should a person leave their seat , it was immediately filled. It wouldn’t have been right to dispossess a cousin when they were catching up from the past year.

Finally, I found my perfect place at the sink. I washed mountains of plates, dozens of glasses, and sinks full of silverware. I scraped serving dishes and scoured baking dishes to my heart’s content. No one competed for my spot.

Finally, I secured permission from my host and took a dish of turkey scraps to the dog where I got the most enthusiastic welcome of the day. I found a true friend at last.

Funny Lawyer Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

lawXmas-cart-2lawyer-cat A divorce court judge said to the husband,”Mr Geraghty,I have reviewed this case very carefully and I’ve decided to give your wife $800 a week.”
“That’s very fair,your honour,” he replied. “And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.

The physician said, “Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.”

The engineer replied, “But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.”

Then, the lawyer spoke up. “Yes,” he said, “But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?”

“You seem to be in some distress,” said the kindly judge to the witness. “Is anything the matter?”
“Well, your Honour,” said the witness, “I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.”

To help someone before they commit a crime means you are their
accomplice.
To help someone after they commit a crime means you are their attorney.

 

A lawyer died and was standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “you can’t come in here… you have to go to the other place”. But the lawyer was really good and pleaded his case to the point where St. Peter said, “OK… here’s what I’ll do. You will spend the same amount of time in hell as you did on earth, and then you can spend the rest of eternity up here.” The lawyer figured this wasn’t too bad of a deal, so he said “OK”. St. Peter said, “Great… I’ll see you in 350 years.”. The lawyer said, “But, how is that possible… I’m only 65 years old!”. St Peter said, “We go by billing hours”.

 

A plumber went to the attorneys house to unstop the sink. When he finished he said to the attorney “that will be $400.00.” The attorney became irate “What do you mean $400.00, you were only here 20 minutes, that’s ridiculous!!” The plumber replied, “I thought the same thing when I was an attorney”.

You Used to Be Beautiful!

Kathleen Holdaway in flowered dress0002One warm afternoon in late May, 1960, Billy and I were lying on the living room floor as Mother reclined a few minutes with her feet up wearing the heavy surgical weight stockings the doctor had ordered. She was six months into a difficult pregnancy with her last child,and was supposed to be off her feet. She had spent a good portion of the morning tying to keep an eye on her fourteen-month-old, Connie, while trying to coax twelve-year old Phyllis and me at ten to do a little housework, help with Connie, and even get a little work out of seven-year-old Billy, while keeping him out of trouble. Phyllis was watching Connie. We were all terminally lazy, slacking off at the first excuse. None of us had any intention of doing anything we could avoid.

As we dawdled at her feet on the floor in the draft of the attic fan, one of us pulled out an old photo album. I quickly found a picture of her made her senior year of high school, the peak of her youth and beauty. “I graduated thirteen years ago today,” she remarked smilingly.

In my infinite wisdom, I proclaimed, “Oh Mother, you used to be beautiful!”

I turned for her smile, only to see a snarling, slobbering, swollen beast ready to pounce on me in rage! “”Used to be beautiful! Let’s see what you look like when you have five kids in twelve years! Put this stuff up, right now. Linda, you take your smart mouth and get those dishes washed. Phyllis, you put a pot of beans on for supper. Billy, you…”

By the way, this is not the picture in question. That one mysteriously disappeared

Pumpkin Butter

It is the time of year people start to crave pumpkin: pumpkin coffee, pumpkin coffee creamer, pumpkin bread, pumpkin pie. I didn’t realize until a few years ago that decorative pumpkins, the kind used for jack-o-lanterns weren’t intended for cooking. Canned pumpkin is much better in recipes.

I made pumpkin butter today for Mother and her friends at her independent living facility. I found it rather endearing that one of the lovely ladies asked me to make some, knowing I love to can. It is a very simple recipe.

Crock Pot Pumpkin Butter

4 29 oz. cans pumpkin

2 lbs. light brown sugar

4 tbs. Pumpkin Pie Spice

Mix all ingredients in crock pot. Cook on high 3-4 hours till flavors blend. You may add more pumpkin pie spice if desired. Put in clean pint jars with clean flats and rings. To process, put in rack in deep pot. Cover tops with at least 1 inch water. Bring to a full boil and process at least 15 minutes. Put jars to cool on rack or cutting board. Tops should pop and depression in lid should snap down as they cool. Makes 8 pints.

This makes a wonderful gift!

The Best of the Afternoon Funnies

Have you heard about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa!

If life gives you melons then you’re probably dyslexic!

Have you heard about the guy who discovered that he’s both dyslexic and gay?
He’s still in daniel!

Did you heard about the dyslexic alcoholic?
He walked into a bra?

Have you heard about a guy who used to have dyslexia?
He now has dailysex instead!

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying “Yo.”

A dyslexic boy who asks his mother for McDonald’s?
She said: “You can have one if you can spell it.”
The boy replied: “Fine, I’ll have a KFC!”

Two dyslexic guys were riding in a car.
One turned to the other and said, “Can you smell petrol?”
The other replied, “Don’t be a moron, I can’t even smell my own name!”

A dyslexic robber ran into a bank.
He screamed: “Air in the hands mother stickers this is a f*ck up!”
What happens if life gives you melons?
You’re dyslexic.

What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexics Association

Have you heard of the cow who attained spirtual enlightenment?
She was dyslexic and kept on repeating OOOOMMM!

If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic, he suffers from insomnia because he stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

Without a Computer

Your life without a computer: what does it look like?

Without a computer there wouldn’t be WordPress, so I wouldn’t be writing. I wouldn’t look things up on Google. I’d be going to the library for books. I’d have an old-fashioned phone. Of course, I wouldn’t order my groceries on line. It would be my old life.