Author: lbeth1950

lbeth1950https://nutsrok.wordpress.comNow that I'm done with the bothersome business of workday world, I am free to pursue my passion, capturing the stories I've loved all my life. The ones you'll read on my blog are good old Southern stories, a real pleasure to relay. Here in the South, we are proud of our wacky folks. I've preyed shamelessly on my family, living and dead, friends, neighbors, and acquaintances, often changing the names to protect the innocent and not so innocent. My mother illustrates my blog. I come from a rollicking family of nuts, hence the name of the blog Nutsrok Enjoy.
lbeth1950's avatar

Worst Sandwich, Ever

Long, long ago when I was a but child-bride, I yearned to please my handsome husband so I dreamed of concocting hearty breakfasts, luscious lunches, and delightful dinners. This wasn’t to be. We had wisely married while still in college so were in possession of two things money couldn’t buy, abject poverty and true love. We were just scraping by. After about two weeks, about all we had left in the refrigerator was a half-loaf of bread, mustard, a couple of lonely, frozen chicken gizzards, and an old, dry sliver of cheddar cheese. I fried those chicken gizzards up nice and hard, sliced them as thin as possible, added the slivered cheddar cheese and sat down with My Darling to enjoy the amazing delicacy. It was the worst thing I ever tried to eat. The piquant taste of overdone gizzard slathered with mustard was not a good companion taste for the dried out cheddar cheese. I was never tempted to try that combo again.

Oilcan Harry and the Washing Machine

imageMother was stuck taking us everywhere she went, even to buy a new washing machine just days before her fourth baby was born. She never asked anyone to keep us since that would have insured she had to return the favor and keep someone else’s monsters in return, probably some of our killer cousins. She was always on guard against that. We followed her into to appliance store. It was maddeningly dull to me and my Brother Billy. We wanted to ride in the dryers and jump on the doors, but she put a stop to that pretty quickly, making us sit on our hands with our backs to each other where Phyllis could watch us. Eventually, she made her choice and went to sign the mortgage papers. I knew all about mortgages! I was an avid fan of Mighty Mouse! He’d saved Sweet Alice countless times when Oilcan Harry was about to do her in all on account of that danged mortgage, and here my own sweet mother was about to sign a mortgage. I set up a protest, as only a righteous eight year old can do!

“Mother, Mother, don’t sign it. We’ll lose the house! Please don’t sign a mortgage!”

She was infuriated, as only an overwrought pregnant woman can be, snarlingly at me hatefully through clenched teeth. “Go over there and sit down. If you say another word, I’ll tear you up right here in this store!”

I do believe she meant it. She got her washer and Oilcan Harry didn’t get the house.

19 Bra Truths and Jokes All Women Will Love

19 Bra Truths and Jokes All Women Will Love

Some call bras a necessary evil. Others love their push-ups. Regardless of opinion, some truths and jokes about bras are universal. SHARE this with your mother, daughter, sister or friend and make them laugh! =)

Home is where the bra isn’t

The wonderful feeling of coming home and take of the bra.
Image: The wonderful feeling of coming home and finally taking your bra off.

Finally, some appreciation

I can see your bra. - Good, it was expensive!
Image: I can see your bra. – Good, it was expensive!

Supportive bras

You can do it! You are awesome! - Supportive bras.
Image: You can do it! You are awesome! – Supportive bras.

The betrayal

The definition of betrayal? When your favorite bra tries to stab you in the heart.
Image: The definition of betrayal? When your favorite bra tries to stab you in the heart.

New, bigger bra sizes

Photo shoot of Eva’s Intimates’ coming bras in even bigger sizes. - Until then we are offering only A to S-cup.
Image: Photo shoot of Eva’s Intimates’ coming bras in even bigger sizes. – Until then we are offering only A to S-cup.

All these bra cup sizes…

BH, T-kupa
Image: A cup, D cup, T-cup

When there’s a bra wire in the washing machine

When your man finds this in the washing machine and thinks you are crying because it broke but you know what this is and are shedding quiet tears for a fallen hero.

The best thing after a hot summer day

The feeling of fanning under the breast after a hot summer day.
Image: The feeling of fanning under the breast after a hot summer day.

An easier life

Life would be so much easier with detachable breasts.
Image: Life would be so much easier with detachable breasts.

I’ve already taken off my bra

Sorry, I can’t join. I’ve already taken off my bra for the evening.
Image: Sorry, I can’t join. I’ve already taken off my bra for the evening.

Cute underwear makes me happy

Cute underwear? Secretly happy! Ugly underwear? Secretly sad!
Image: Cute underwear? Secretly happy! Ugly underwear? Secretly sad!

Big bust and no shoulder straps – Expectation and reality

Big bust and no shoulder straps - Expectation: Everything looks fantastic all day. - Reality: The breast moves aound all the time.
Image: Big bust and no shoulder straps – Expectation: Everything looks fantastic all day. – Reality: The breast moves around all the time.

An unexpected turn in the bedroom

I've worn the same bra for six weeks without washing it.
Image: I’ve worn the same bra for six weeks without washing it.

Going out in public without a bra for the first time

How it feels to go out without bra for the first time or in a long time.
Image: How it feels to go out in public without bra for the first time or in a long time.

When talking about bras is not embarrassing anymore

As a teenager it's embarrassing to hear that your shoulder straps are showing. As adult women, we don't care at all!
Image: As a teenager it’s embarrassing to hear that your shoulder straps are showing. As adult women, we don’t care at all!

Being flat-chested

Other women’s favorite bra: High quality, beautiful design, awesome cleavage and great support. My favorite bra: Band-aid!
Image: Other women’s favorite bra: High quality, beautiful design, awesome cleavage and great support. My favorite bra: Band-aid!

Too big to see stairs

My b**bs are so big that I can't see the steps when I walk in stairs.
Image: My b**bs are so big that I can’t see the steps when I walk in stairs.

Bras that I want

Bras that I want to wear and bras that fit me.
Image: Bras that I want to wear and bras that fit me.

And finally, let us point out that all breasts are normal, wonderful and perfect!

Perfect breasts come in all shapes and sizes.
Image: Perfect breasts come in all shapes and sizes.

                             

The Dangers of Pica: A Nurse’s Perspective

Pica was an unusual problem. A few of the patients I took care of during my thirty-year nursing career experienced it. Essentially, Pica is consumption of non-food items. Ice, clay, dirt, chalk are among common substances I have known patients to eat. Constant ice-eating can lead to anemia. I even knew of one patient who snitched a bag of clay from another patient who had dug it from a clay bank near her home. Afterward, the clay bank lady began peddling her bags of clay to other patients. The cause of Pica is poorly understood. It may arise from dietary deficiencies or cultural influences. There is no effective treatment, though patients are usually prescribed multivitamins. I did once have a patient who came in complaining of severe belly pain. During surgery, she was found to have eaten enough clay that it had hardened like a brick. She was totally obstructed and ended up with a temporary colostomy.

Knitting

What skill would you like to learn?

I bought some lovely charcoal yarn about a year ago with the intention of learning to knit. That will be my next project. Before covid, I was going to a knitting class. Th leader got us started the first day and had us cast on and do a couple of rows. It looked easy enough, then she gave us an assignment. Bring a few rows to show our progress to the next class. I set to work as soon as I got home. My brain emptied. Bud and I got on a YouTube tutorial. He whipped out a few rows. My rows were deplorable.

I took his work when I went back to class. I couldn’t do diddly. When I ‘fessed up, she asked if he could come help with class. The next class was canceled due to covid.

The Funniest Cowboy Tales From the Wild West

imageimageimageimageimage

The eastern lady who was all ready to take a
horseback ride said to the cowboy, “Can you get me a nice gentle
pony?”

“Shore,”said the cowboy. “What kind of a saddle do you want,
English or western?”

“What’s the difference?” asked the lady.

“The western saddle has a horn on it,” said the cowboy.

“If the traffic is so thick here in
the mountains that I need a horn on my saddle, I
don’t believe I want to ride.”

Three cowboys of the world are sitting
around camp talking about how tough they were.  The tales
kept getting bigger and bigger.
The cowboy from Australia says, “I wrestled a 200 pound crocodile and
made it cry like a baby.”

The cowboy from Brazil shakes his head and says, “I killed a 400 pound steer with my bare hands.”

The Cowboy from Texas just smiled and kept
stirring the campfire with his leg.

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed
one seat.” The cowboy groaned but didn’t budge. The usher
became more impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there, I’m
going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The
cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, What’s
your name?”

“Sam,” the cowboy moaned.
“Where ya from, Sam?”

With pain in his voice Sam replied…. “The balcony.

Q: Why
can’t the bankrupt cowboy
complain?
A: He has got no beef.

Back in the Old West three Texas cowboys were about to be hung for cattle rustling. The lynch mob brought the three men to a tree right at the edge of the Rio Grande. The idea was that when each man had died, they’d cut the rope and he’d drop into the river and drift out of sight

They put the first cowboy in the noose, but he was so sweaty and greasyhe slipped out, fell in the river and swam to freedom.

They tied the noose around the second cowboy’s head. He, too, oozed out of the rope, dropped into the river and got away.

As they dragged the third Texan to the scaffold, he resisted, “Please! Would yaw’l tighten that noos
a little bit? I can’t swim!”

Swint and Fess, two Oklahoma cowboys, were
resting their horses out on the range.

“What’d Emmaline give yew for yore birthday?” asked Swint.

“Pair of cufflinks,” said Fess. “But I ain’t got no use for them. I can’t even find anyplace to get my wrists pierced.”

Who do zombie cowboys fight?

Deadskins.

Lessons from a Frugal Childhood

Some things you just can’t get away from.   Everyday when I got home from school, it was the same thing..  Mother met us at the door.  “Take off your clothes and hang them up.  Take off your shoes and put them under the bed.  Get a biscuit out of the oven and do your homework.  Then you can go play.”

I hated hanging up my clothes, preferring to pitch them wherever they landed. I got sick of hearing how much work went into washing, starching, and ironing them.  After all,  she had a wringer washer, clothesline, and iron.  What else did she have to do anyway? She was a mother, not a person.  I got sick of all that nagging about my shoes.  I didn’t always have time to go back and put my shoes away when I tried to slip out to play.  Many times I’d kicked them off in the yard.  Once a dog chewed one up, a disaster, since getting new shoes involved pinching pennies and careful timing.  Daddy got paid on Thursdays.  Mother went to the bank and did all her shopping Thursdays.  There would be no money till  the next payday.  A Tuesday shoe emergency messed up the whole plan.  Daddy also had to be dealt with.  When we messed up, she was responsible.  It rained on the just and unjust alike.

Finally, the point of the story.  Despite my best efforts, Mother’s teaching, or genetic input took control. The instant I get home, I change and hang up my clothes and put my shoes in the closet. If I had one, I’d certainly have gotten a biscuit.  This just isn’t right.  You’d think after more than sixty years , I’d get a break.

Worse yet, I have to be frugal.  I have to use it up. Wear it out.  Make do or do without, just like people were directed during World War II.  Paper towels and napkins are wasteful, so I use dish cloths and cloth napkins.   Buzzy went into a clawing frenzy  and scratched a hole in my nice bamboo sheet a while back.  He is not frugal. I couldn’t bear to toss those  beautiful sheets and pillow cases, so I am making them into napkins and hankies.  Bamboo hankies are $19.99 per six pack.  Bamboo napkins cost $19.99 per twelve. So far, I’ve made a dozen napkins and a dozen hankies and some sleeping shorts for Bud. There is enough left over for more several more hankies, napkins , dish towels, dust cloths, and doilies for embroidery.  I am sick of the carcass of those  sheets , but can’t bear to throw them away when all this costs nothing but some work.  I think I need therapy.

Afternoon Funny

 

 

lawXmas-cart-2lawyer-cat A divorce court judge said to the husband,”Mr Geraghty,I have reviewed this case very carefully and I’ve decided to give your wife $800 a week.”
“That’s very fair,your honour,” he replied. “And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.

The physician said, “Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.”

The engineer replied, “But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.”

Then, the lawyer spoke up. “Yes,” he said, “But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?”

“You seem to be in some distress,” said the kindly judge to the witness. “Is anything the matter?”
“Well, your Honour,” said the witness, “I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.”

To help someone before they commit a crime means you are their
accomplice.
To help someone after they commit a crime means you are their attorney.

 

A lawyer died and was standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “you can’t come in here… you have to go to the other place”. But the lawyer was really good and pleaded his case to the point where St. Peter said, “OK… here’s what I’ll do. You will spend the same amount of time in hell as you did on earth, and then you can spend the rest of eternity up here.” The lawyer figured this wasn’t too bad of a deal, so he said “OK”. St. Peter said, “Great… I’ll see you in 350 years.”. The lawyer said, “But, how is that possible… I’m only 65 years old!”. St Peter said, “We go by billing hours”.

 

A plumber went to the attorneys house to unstop the sink. When he finished he said to the attorney “that will be $400.00.” The attorney became irate “What do you mean $400.00, you were only here 20 minutes, that’s ridiculous!!” The plumber replied, “I thought the same thing when I was an attorney”.

Nurses’s Hands

Nurse’s hands are not known for their beauty. More than likely, they are dry, being washed dozens of times a day. Frequent use of lotion can not keep these skilled hands supple and dewy. Nails are most often short, since longer nails interfere with the sensitive touch necessary to perform care. Longer nails are a detriment to gloves essential to protect both nurse, patient, and the environment.

Here you see a man’s strong hands that have cared for so many critically ill patients. Their strength gives no hint of the arthritis he endures daily as he cares for patients. His patients never know os of pain.

This is my hand with its square palm and short ringless fingers. Even though I’ve been retired for years, I find longer nails interfere with my daily tasks. My hands cared for countless patients and charted thousands of words.

This young nurse’s hands are remarkable for their youth and beauty, showing her recent manicure. Nevertheless, as I watched her at work, I was grateful to see her compliance with gloving and handwashing. She professionally and expertly administered my immunizations.

A compassionate nurse comforts an aged patient here. That may be the strongest medicine she has to offer. Many times I sang or talked to my comatose patients, not knowing whether or not I was heard. Numerous times, I’ve had a dying patient call me “Mama.” I never corrected them, thinking perhaps they were seeing Mama.