Details

What details of your life could you pay more attention to?

This is an unlikely prompt for me. At my stage in life, I do exactly as I please. It’s unlikely that I will pay more attention to any details of my life.

Fluffy, the Species Confused Chicken

My little sisters, Connie and Marilyn, raised their baby chick, Fluffy, in a cloth-lined box in the living room. He spent his nights in their room, going to sleep as soon as they covered his sweet, little head. He woke them early in the morning, peeping around looking for them. Cleaning up after him wasn’t really a big problem while he was a tiny chick. Fluffy spent his days with them, peeping and later clucking, right behind them.

As he got older, naturally he ate more, and made bigger messes, and was ushered outdoors. From then on , he longed for the warm times he’d shared with his “real family.” He ran to Connie and Marilyn as soon as they came outdoors, never leaving their sides. When they went in for meals or for the night, he hopped up the nearest window ledge and watched them mournfully. Thankfully, when his hormones kicked in, Fluffy noticed the lovely hens in our flock, and Connie and Marilyn were history. He didn’t even give them a look when they walked outdoors.

However, as Fluffy matured, he did suffer some social confusion. He quit yearning for the girl’s company, but he did not like them for them to ride Sugar, their horse, with a saddle. He had no problem with bareback riding, but when they saddled up to ride, he ran along beside Sugar, jumping up to attack the saddle. They had to run Sugar to get away from his crazed attacks.

Daddy had a mixed-breed dog who was especially aggressive when hunting wild hogs, grabbing them by the ear and wrestling them to the ground. He had never behaved aggressively toward people, but Daddy was concerned about the possibility, so he kept Sutter penned in a big pen with a snug doghouse. He hung a heavy burlap bag over the open door to shield his dog from the cold and wet. Sutter loved his doghouse and lay proudly with only his head sticking out in wintery weather. One night in the spring, during a heavy thunderstorm, we heard howling from Sutter’s pen. Daddy checked on his fine dog and found that Fluffy had faced him off and stood proudly in the door, dry as dust, while Sutter stood crying in the rain. Daddy was disgusted and left them to work it out.

 

Funny one-liners

1. Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.

2. What did one DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?”

3. My IQ test results came back. They were negative.

4. What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.

5. Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything.

6. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.

7. What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.

8. What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? Outlaws are wanted.

9. Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive. It’s called wedding cake.

10. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.

11. I never knew what happiness was until I got married—and then it was too late.

12. Some men say they don’t wear their wedding band because it cuts off circulation. Well, that’s the point, isn’t it?

Cold Comfort

Poor Uncle Joe was dying.  No doubt about it.  He’d been in bed for days, getting weaker and weaker.  Family “sat” with him around the clock.  Cousin Frank who’d been sitting for hours, finally just had to slip out to the bathroom.  Uncle Joe opened his eyes for the first time in days.  He smelled apple pie.  He was hungry!!  He just had to have some pie.

“Sally.  Sally”  No answer.  That pie was calling him.  With his last strength, he slid out of bed, so weak he melted to the floor.  Creeping on hands and knees, he finally made it down the long hall to the kitchen.  As he pulled up to the table and reached for the pie, Aunt Sally turned and smacked his hand, “Leave that alone, you old goat!  That’s for the funeral!”

I’m Pretty Sure I Used to be Cooler

Fifty years ago I’d never have enjoyed sitting around on a Sunday afternoon drinking homemade muscadine wine and eating cold cornbread. My standards have fallen! My little dog is helping with the cornbread. Oh, and it was only one glass!

A Humorous Wedding Night Confession

On our Wedding night my wife made me promise to never look in her bottom bed stand drawer and I kept it faithfully for the first 27 years I preached … during that year she went on vacation and being left alone … I just could not resist … I peaked … and there was 6 eggs and over $500 dollars ???

I was so ashamed of myself … I was eaten up with curiosity and guilt … I just had to confess to her as soon as she got back.She was such an angel … she readily forgave me and I just had to ask what the 6 eggs were for:

She said every time you preach a bad sermon I put an egg in the drawer from our own chickens.

I thought 27 years 1 Sunday school, 2 Worship service 3 Sunday evening Worship and 4 Wednesday night times 27 years … sounds about right to me but what about the over $500 dollars ?

She said: every time I get a dozen eggs I sell them ! 

Minutiae

What’s your #1 priority tomorrow?

Tomorrow, I have to concentrate more n several small tasks that have piled up. I have to go to the post office, pay a bill, take a package to UPS, pick up a prescription, order groceries, and probably attend to a couple of other tasks I’ve forgotten. Whew! That’s starting to sound like a lot!

It’s My Party

WC
Uncle Jerry drank a little. In fact, Uncle Jerry never drew a sober breath from the time he cashed his paycheck at the liquor store on Friday after work until he got back to the shop on Mondays with a killer hangover. One time he told Bud, “I get paid today and I gotta get drunk. I had the flu all week and feel so bad I cain’t hardly drag. I shore dread it.”
Bud, who’d never been initiated into drinking at the time asked, “Uncle Jerry, if you feel so bad, why do you HAVE to get drunk? Can’t you take a weekend off?”
“Oh no!” Uncle Jerry told him. “I always stay drunk on the weekends.”
He must have been concerned about his reputation. He was Aunt Myrtle’s second husband. At the time I knew them, they’d been married over forty years. If Aunt Myrtle stuck by Uncle Jerry, I can’t imagine what her first husband must have put her through.
Mother went over to visit Aunt Myrtle one Thursday morning, not realizing Uncle Jerry was on vacation. They went out to the garden first to admire Aunt Myrtle’s tomatoes and the green beans that were starting to put out, picking a few for Mother. When they made their way into the kitchen, they encountered Uncle Jerry down on his hands and knees in front of the icebox (not refrigerator). He’d pulled the drawer out and was eating onions and turnips raw with the garden dirt still clinging to them. Considering it was Uncle Jerry, neither one said anything.
He looked up at them and remarked. “This is my icebox and I’ll eat anything I G__ D____ please.” They got their coffee and took it out to drink in the shade.
“Don’t let Jerry worry you none. I forgot to tell you Jerry was on vacation when I told you to come over to get tomatoes,” noted Aunt Myrtle.
“Oh, that’s okay. It is his icebox after all,” Mother replied.

Decent Jokes

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised. 

How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it. 

President Lincoln was approached by a woman after a political speech… If you were my husband I would poison your tea. Lincoln replied…if you are my wife I’ll gladly drink it. 

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo. 

Have you heard the joke about yoga. Nevermind its a bit of a stretch. 

Why should you never play poker at the zoo? Too many cheetahs 

What do you call a nose with no body? No body nose 

Why does snoop Dogg use an umbrella? Fo-Drizzle. 

Never confide in a vacuum cleaner. They’re always collecting dirt 

A roman walks into a cafe holds up 2 fingers and gets 5 coffees. 

Q: What time is it when the clock strikes 13? A: Time to get a new clock. 

What do you call a guy who’s really loud? Mike.