humor

Hilarious!

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Retire

How do you want to retire?

I am retired. I spend my days gardening, writing, doing whatever I want. Retirement is excellent. Except for the part about needing money, I should have done it at eighteen. I recommend it to anyone.

Andrew and Molly Part 29

Just as Molly got the little ones settled, pounding thundered at the back door, Andrew demanded angrily. “Why did you send the baby away? He was thriving here with Rosemarie to nurse him.”

Molly’s Irish temper blazed. How dare he rebuke her again? This was only the second time he’d talked to her since he’d gotten back, bringing that nameless baby to boot. She’d kept hoping he’d make an opportunity to make time to come by an talk to her in private but he’d kept to himself. After a day of rest and several good meals at Aggie’s he was looking more like the man she married. It infuriated her to see that hussy, Rosemarie, cutting her eyes at him and making excuses to take the baby and slip out. If she weren’t watched, she’d soon have another baby under her apron. True, Andrew hadn’t seemed to notice Rosemarie but she remembered his shyness when she first set her cap for him. He quickly became an ardent and eager lover.

With all these thoughts racing through her head, she lashed out at him,“ Unless there’s something you have not revealed, this is not your affair. I did all I should have for that pitiful waif. The Reverend Bennett rebuked me for not having had the child baptized yet. He should know I’m Catholic, not of his church. I sent Rosemarie and the baby for him to deal with. I have more work and expense than I can handle. Now, with Bartles gone, my load is heavier than ever. Let the church take care of that baby! I have sufficient troubles of my own!”

As they stared furiously at each other, Aggie spoke from behind them, “Enough!”

Andrew and Molly Part 28

Molly stared with fury at the reverend. “Perhaps you are right! This is not my child and his care has put me to a good deal of trouble. I already have three children. Out of concern for this nameless baby, I took him in but clearly he would be better off elsewhere. I’ll tell Rosemarie to ready him for travel and the two of them can go with you!”

“No! No! No!” protested Reverend Bennett. I can’t take charge. My wife is sickly and can’t care for a baby.”

“Rosemarie can care for the child. All you have to do is provide room and board and deal with The Assembly concerning Rosemarie. I will be glad to have both off my hands. My thanks to you.” Having had her say, she returned home and left the reverend sputtering.

Walking in her kitchen door, she snapped at Rosemarie. “Get yours and the baby’s things. You’re moving to Reverend Bennett’s. He’ll be expecting you.”

Rosemarie burst into tears. “I can’t stand that old man. Can’t I stay here?”

Molly’s anger made her cruel. “I guess you can go back to jail if you prefer. You can work that out with the Reverend and the Assembly. You need to hurry to get there before dark.”

In a few minutes, Rosemarie left with the baby and her poor few belongings. The children wailed at seeing them go. “Children, hush! I told you the baby was not ours to keep. The reverend is going to try to find his family. Wouldn’t you be sad if you lost your family?” This did little to mollify them.

Lucky Miss

This gigantic oak tree fell the other night. There was no wind. It was just time. We will be spending the next few days cutting it up and hauling it off. Fortunately, it did not damage my flowerbed. I still have plenty of shade.

Spring

What is your favorite season of year? Why?

Spring is my favorite season. Seeing green again after the bleakness of winter is always a miracle. Even though I’ve experienced so many, the first daffodil thrills me like it’s first ever. I can hardly wait to dig in the dirt. When I brush away dead leaves and see a hyacinth pushing up, I am ecstatic. I celebrate every year.

Andrew and Molly Part 27

Late in the afternoon, Aggie walked to Bartles’ grave. Molly offered to go with her, but she wanted time alone.

Not ready to leave yet, the reverend lingered over tea. Having been raised Catholic, Molly had not attended the services of the Anglican Church. Though she’d met Reverend Bennett through her close association with the Bartles she’d never considered him her spiritual advisor, nor felt any particular need of an advisor. Aggie, in particular, was devout, and made it no secret that Molly should be attending services, especially for the sake of the children’s tender souls.

While Molly packed her things to hurry home to her children, Reverend Bennett asked to speak to her on a church matter. “Reverend Bennett, I am Catholic. My children were baptized in the Anglican faith because at their father’s request.”

“I know, but am concerned about the soul of the little one in your house brought back from the Indians. He needs baptizing.” Reverend Bennett pronounced.

“I suppose he does,” Molly agreed. “But he’s only been here a few days. I’m hoping someone comes forward once word gets around. Most assuredly his family will want him baptized in their faith.”

“I know a bit of your background.” said Reverend Bennett. Molly bristled at his tone. “ I understand Andrew brought this child with him when he escaped. Did he know who the child’s family might be?”

Turning to leave, Molly replied curtly. “I have no idea. You’d best speak to Andrew.”

Tagline

If humans had taglines, what would yours be?

It is what it is.

Croc the Dog: A Hilarious Mealtime Experience

Our mastiff-lab mix came to live with us about seven years ago at the age of three at a svelte ninety pounds. Having no interest in body image or physical fitness once he moved into a childless home, he let himself go and started packing on the pounds. He eventually got up to a a roly-poly one hundred twenty-eight pounds. Though he continued to be proud of himself, we dreaded taking him to the vet. It wasn’t so bad if we got the portly vet, but the slim and trim vet fat dog-shamed us. I’m pretty sure she came close to mentioning our physiques, like dog like dog parent I guess.
we tried cutting back on the amount we fed him, but he begged for food incessantly .

After considerable suffering, I decided to can his food myself: one third each portions of lean meat, vegetables, and brown rice. The weight started to drop off. Over about three months, he’s lost twenty-eight pounds and is allergy-free. He gets a quart every morning and evening

.I thought you might like to see how my big dog Croc feels about his food. You needn’t watch the 4 minute 24 second video to get the idea. For the full experience, turn the sound up. He usually interrupts his meal half-way through to drink about a pint of water, not bothering to close his massive mouth before walking back to his food bowl, wetting four feet of kitchen floor en route. He never wastes a morsel of food, except maybe to get a smear on my white cabinet doors. He’s generally grateful enough after a meal to come kiss me.