An Elf, a Human and a Dwarf, all old friends, are sitting at a tavern, talking about the night they had with their wives…
The Human smirks as he says “Damn, but I had fun last night. I banged my wife good last night, about seven times… When we woke up this morning, she told me she loved me and was going to make my favorite meals all day..”
The Elf looks at him, then smirks and responds “Well, I only made love four times to my wife last night, but each time was like a new ecstatic experience. When we awoke this morning, she said we’d spend the rest of our days together and would surprise me again tonight..”
The Dwarf looks at them both and snorts, drinking his beer silently. After an uncomfortable of being stared at by the other two, he finally says “Fine, fine.. My wife and I had intercourse once last night.”
The other two blink, until the Elf smirks and asks “Pray, tell us what she said to you this morning..”
This time, the Dwarf smirks and says “She said.. Please, Honey, don’t stop now…”
My grandparent’s wedding picture, though this is not their story. I am posting an extra story today as an early Christmas gift.
The situation Joe had most dreaded had come to a head at Anya’s most vulnerable time. Making a run for it with two little ones and a newborn would be futile. He’d just have to face this situation straight on. No one was going to hurt Anya and rip his family apart after they’d struggled so hard to be together.
Seeing Anya’s joy in Rose Anya was bittersweet, knowing what he’d have to tell her, but he could let her have this day unmarred. Emma had left a pot of soup bubbling on the hearth. Joe decided to do nothing but necessary chores and store up the joy of this day. When Anya wasn’t holding Rose Anya, he was. The little ones played happily in the warmth of family.
Joe didn’t allow himself to think of the preacher and sheriff’s impending visit. The sheriff didn’t wait a few days, just showed up with the preacher the next morning, probably to avoid the problem of having to pursue them. Joe greeted them gruffly. The sheriff was a definite threat, and Joe had never known kindness, only judgment from church folk.
“I know why you are here. I ain’t gonna let you make trouble for us. My wife just gave birth to an early baby and she ain’t strong
“We need to talk to her. I just need the preacher to say if she’s the same woman you married. We won’t take much of your time.” The sheriff stood his ground.
The preacher rocked back and forth with his hands clasped behind him. “Lord knows we hate to bother you, but the sheriff says this has got to be done. I’d be obliged if we could get it over with so I can get back to town. I got a couple that wants marrying.”
Grudgingly, Joe showed them in. “Anya, this here is the sheriff and the preacher what married us. I know you remember him, even though you was so sick.”
Anya’s eyes widened in fear, taking the situation in. “Why shore I do. A woman don’t fergit her weddin’. Welcome preacher. I cain’t git up cause I’m nursing my baby. She’s a mite early an’ I don’t want to jostle her. She ain’t strong an’ needs to nurse.”
“Why shore, Ma’am. Good to see you again. That baby is a tiny little thing. I wouldn’t want to unsettle her. It’s good to see things working out so good for you.” Anya took heart from his kind words.
The sheriff took his cue. “Ma’am, I’m sorry I had to bother you, but I needed to git the preacher to identify you. I am glad ever’thing worked out so good. Joe, you take care of this fine woman an’ that purty, little baby. I got to be going.”
“Sheriff, if you can wait a few minutes, this little one needs christening. It’s a long trip to town an’ I can git the job done as long as I’m here,” the preacher addressed the sheriff.
“Why shore. I’ll just wait outside.” He left them alone.
The preacher faced Joe and Anya. “I don’t know how I done it, but I realized after y’all left that night I never gave you a certificate. I’d like to marry you again an’ make sure ever’thing’s right before I christen that baby if that’s alright with you. I disremember the date, but you can help with that. Then we can git that little feller taken care of. The Lord wouldn’t want me to leave a job half-done.”
Here you see my best friend in the LSU sweater I crocheted her. She is a rabid fan. She even dresses up in her LSU gear when she’s watching the game alone. We worked together for many years. I always knew it was going to be a good day when we worked together. She’s moved away now but we make a point to get together a few times a year. Even a bad day at work was a good day with her.
What positive events have taken place in your life over the past year?
My ninety-six year old mother sold her home and moved into an independent living apartment. She is extremely happy there. She’s made many friends. I don’t worry about her being alone and falling now. She eats with her friends in the dining room and has gained four pounds. She walks twice daily and is stronger and more steady. She said she wishes she’d moved there ten years ago.
This is the first challenge I’m facing. My precious little lapdog is very needy. He’s just realized how much he always wanted to knit.
I went for a couple of sessions of knitting class just before the COVID shutdown. I managed to cast on and do a couple of rows in the first class. We were instructed to do a few more practice rows before the next class. I waited to continue until right before the next class. Everything I had struggled to learn in class abandoned me. Bud offered to help me after studying what I’d done. When I got back, the instructor was impressed. “You can help me teach this class.”
I had to fess up, Bud did the work I was showing. I plugged on through the class making no progress. COVID cancelled the class. I wasn’t sorry.
Anyway. I am giving it another shot. I gathered my supplies, found a Youtube tutor and set to it. So far, I did moderately fair with casting on. Time to go back and study the Tutorial so more.
I am fortunate that my yard touches several wooded areas. Of course my yard is teeming with squirrels and birds, who I feed. Deer often stroll across the wooded edges of my yard. We have been watching one doe for several years. She regularly births twins. Once, she brought her young twins and her twin yearlings to dine on our muscadines. We regularly see a red fox. Once she came and peeked in our garden room window. It is lovely to see all the creatures who share our home.
SHORT STORY…… An unmarried woman just finding out she is pregnant gets into an unfortunate accident on her way home from the doctor’s office. She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for several months. When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby. Her doctor is called and gives her a mild sedative, then sits down to answer her questions. I’m so happy to see you recovering. he says. The young woman responds, Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is everything all right? He replies, Yes, despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure. “In fact, he goes on, you’ve given birth to TWINS – a boy & a girl. The woman is very happy and asks when she can see the babies. The doctor replies, Right away, but we’ve already sent the infants home with your brother. While you were unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you. He even gave the babies names. At this point the woman gets upset, Doc, my brother is an idiot! What name did he give my little girl? The doctor answered that her name was Denise. Oh, Denise, that’s not so bad. what name did he give my little boy? The doctor answered, Denephew.
. .Once upon a time a married couple bore twin sons. They were very poor and could not afford to keep them. They put the twins up for adoption. One of the boys went to a Spanish family and was named Juan. The other twin was placed to an Egyptian family and was named Amal. Some years later, Juan became curious about his birth parents. After researching and finally locating them, he sent them a nice letter and a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, the birth mother said “I’m so glad that he’s happy. And what a wonderful picture! I wish we had a picture of Amal. I would love to know what he looks like.” Her husband turned to her and said, “I wouldn’t worry about it, dear, when you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.” The other guy responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!” The first guy says, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?” The other guy answers, “I’m from Dublin, I am.” The first guy responds, “Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?” The other guy says, “A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.” The first guy says, “Faith & it’s a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?” The first guy gets really excited, and says, “And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?” The other guy answers, “Well, now, I graduated in 1964.” The first guy exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self.” About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters…”It’s going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again.”
The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recuiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all elgible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near an brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, “Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?” The young man looks at him and says, “I pilot!” The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, “Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!” The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asks, “What skills to you bring to the Air Force?” The young man says, “I chop wood!” “Son,” the general replies, “we don’t need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?” “I chop wood!” “Young man,” huffs the general, “you are not listening to me, we don’t need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!” “Well,” the young man says, “you hired my brother!” “Of course we did,” says the general, “he’s a pilot!” The young man rolls his eyes and says, “Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!”
A Lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the forth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, “The Gold Dust Twins are coming,” and I had to smile. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Sloan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling,” and I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did The Trick”, and I could hardly control myself. BUT—when she moved the forth time and sat under a sign that said “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident.” I laughed out loud.”
Triplets from China: Fu, Bu and Chu emigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become American citizens, and “Americanize” their names.
Bu, called himself “Buck.” Chu called himself “Chuck.” Fu decided to return to China.
Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
“OK,” the judge said, “Tell the court why you want a divorce.”
“Well, your honor,” Dan started, “Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I`d end up making love to her by mistake.”
“Surely there must be some difference between the two women.” the judge said.
“You`d better believe there is a difference, your honor. That`s why I want the divorce.” he replied.
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. “But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked. He replied, Just send me a postcard and write “spaghetti” on the back. I’ll take care of expenses.” Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and said “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.” The doctor said “Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you”. Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack.
Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti-Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.”
My brother weighed ten pounds at birth. He was born in the car on the way to the hospital but that’s a story for another day. My cousin Eddie, a colicky, pint-sized baby, was about four months younger. One afternoon when Billy was about five months old and Eddie about one month, Mother and Aunt Bonnie put both babies on a blanket on the living room floor while they had coffee in the kitchen. Billy cooed and played happily while Eddie wailed incessantly, as usual. When they finished their coffee, the mothers went to check on the babies. It turns out Poor Eddie was crying for a good reason. Husky Billy who was teething had maneuvered himself around where he could gnaw on Eddie’s skinny little leg. The poor baby’s leg was red from ankle to above the knee.
Nutsrok 