humor

WordPress

What are your favorite websites?

WordPress is my top website. I write constantly and make entries under drafts as they occurred to me. At my convenience, I flesh out the ideas. At some point I complete my story.

Of course, I cannot help checking my statistics. The comments are the icing on the cake. I have made so many good friends on WordPress.

Joke of the Day

image50 Terrible, Short Jokes That’ll Get You A Laugh On Demand

1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

2. I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

3. The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.

4. A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

5. What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business.

6. What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah!

7. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.

8. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.

9. There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

10. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.

11. So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.

12. A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.

13. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

14. Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.

15. Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.

16. How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.

17. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.

18. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.

19. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.
20. Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!

21. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a well known six offender.

22. What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.

Read this: 50 Terrible Children’s Jokes Guaranteed To Crack You Up

23. My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

24. What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyoncé.

25. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana.

26. How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let’s go play on our bikes.

27. What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.

28. What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

29. Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do you drive this thing?”

30. Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.

31. Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!

32. Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!

33. What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowntain.

34. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

35. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

36. Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

37. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

38. I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.

39. What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

40. How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.

41. PMS should just be called ovary-acting.

42. Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells.

44. Learn sign language, it’s very handy.

45. I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.

46. You want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it’s pretty cheesy.

47. What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

48. Dry erase boards are remarkable.

49. Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

50. How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it. TC mark

 

 

College

Is there an age or year of your life you would re-live?

College was a thrill for me. I was free of my tyrannical father. I owed him nothing. I was working my way through and got just enough loans for tuition and books. L. Unlike today, there were no students predatory loans. Contrary to what you’d expect, I carried maximum loads every term and graduated with a 3.8 GPA in three years. I didn’t party or play. I had no intention of ever becoming ng dependent on anyone again. It’s interesting how situations motivate people differently. I have wed $1500 in student loans upon graduation. That was not a burden.

Pompey

What historical event fascinates you the most?

The devastation of Pompey resulting from the eruption of Vesuvius in 79 A D has fascinated me since I first learned of it. The images of its residents frozen in time made them victims to me, not long lost faceless humans. I felt a connection to those fleeing the terror of the eruption. It was all to clear they were fully aware they were doomed. No one, man or beast escaped the wrath of Vesuvius.

Lou and Lynn Part 23: Grocery Day

Aunt Kat tiptoed in and whispered to Lynn. “I have to take Daddy to work today and keep the car so I can go to the grocery store. Y’all can sleep late if you want to. If you get up, stay in the house. I’m taking the babies with me. I’ll be back as soon as I can so we can go to the grocery store.”
The next thing, Aunt Kat was telling them to hurry up and dress. She passed out sausage biscuits and milk.

“You better eat up. You’re gonna be hungry before we get home!” She loaded a diaper bag with bottles, diapers, and a couple of wet washcloths in a plastic bag, and picked up her purse.. “Lynn, fill that big thermos with water and bring the big baby. I’ll get the little baby. Billy, go back and get your shoes on. You can’t go to town barefoot. Lou, pick up those two pairs of shoes by the door we have to take them by the shoe-shop to be half-soled. Darn! The cat got out in! Lou, can you go back and get the cat out? Hurry!”

All the while, Billy was protesting having to wear shoes. He finally brought them along without putting them on.

She rushed them into the car. “Lynn, you sit in the front and hold the little baby.” She put Connie in a flimsy car seat that hooked him over the seatback. Lou was amazed at that, having grown up in the time of safety seats and seatbelts. This car had no seatbelts.l

When they got to the small town, Aunt Kat drove slowly through the grocery store parking lots at three stores to look at the hand-lettered prices posted in the store windows.

Last thing before going shopping, she threatened all the kids. “Do you see those kids sitting in that hot car over there! If you cut up in the grocery store and beg for stuff, I’ll march you right back out to sit in the car! Billy get your shoes on, NOW.!”

Billy whined, “I can’t. I don’t have any socks.” Aunt kat whirled a looked daggers at him. Why didn’t you get socks?”

“You didn’t tell me to.” he explained patiently.

“Ughhhh!” she groaned.” Then you’ll just have to go without….unless you want to sit in the car with those kids!”

Four kids sat in a car just across the way. Two kids with snotty noses were hanging out the windows bawling their eyes out. A boy was honking the horn. There was a girl in the back seat looking like she wished she wished she was anywhere else. Billy realized he knew her and called out to her,” Hey, Margie!” Margie stuck her tongue out and turned her head.

Once Aunt Kat had her battle plan, she led the kids into the A&P . She made a nest for the little baby in one cart, pulling it behind her.Connie was in the seat of a second cart she pushed before her. She went straight to the coke machine and got a coke, her treat for the week. The kids knew they had their choice of a coke or a box of animal crackers. That was it! Aunt Kat didn’t have the patience for treat wrangling. They could enjoy their treat while she shopped and she’d pay when she cashed out. She filled Connie’s cart with unglamorous groceries: a twenty-five pound bag of flour, ten pounds of meal and sugar, twenty-five pounds of potatoes , dry beans and peas. There were no cookies, pastries, or candy in her cart.

Piggly Wiggly for the meat specials, then Jitney Jungle for the ten for a dollar specials on canned goods It was exhausting. Both babies were squalling. Everybody was starving. The car was blazing hot in the August heat. “I don’t have time for the shoe shop, today.”

Kat pulled into a drive-in restaurant that specialized in five for a dollar burgers. To Lou’s surprise, they each got a skinny burger with no fries or drink. They passed around the water jug to slake their raging thirst. The burgers weren’t very good, but the kids were hungry. Afterward, Aunt Kat pulled out a bag of sandwich cookies. That was lunch.

Thankfully, both the babies went to sleep on the drive home. Aunt Kat and Lynn were able to cart them to their beds without waking them.

Everybody helped unload groceries. There must have been ten or twelve bags. They loaded up the red wagon to make it faster. The kitchen cabinet was heaped high. “Lynn, I’m going to take the little baby but leave Connie here while I go back and get daddy. She should sleep till I get back. You girls put away groceries. Billy, you stay in the house and mind Lynn.”

“Mother, can’t you take both babies? You know Connie will cry if she wakes up.” Lynn pleaded.

“No, I can’t. I only have one carseat. I need you to stay here and put away groceries and watch Connie. I’ll be back in an hour.”

She grabbed the little baby and was on her way. Before she reached the end of the driveway Billy ran out and banged the back door.

Connie squalled out from her crib. “We’re in for it now,!” Moaned Lynn.

Hatred

What’s something you believe everyone should know.

This is a hard one. I don’t want to get political but everyone should educate themselves before they vote, If a candidate espouses hatred and marginalizes others, they are looking out for themselves, not the people.

Train Joke

A kid receives a train set for Christmas. He puts it together and begins to play with it as mom goes into the kitchen. She hears him play and run the train. She then hears the train stop.

She then hears the the boy say, Anyone who want’s to get off get the hell off now! And anyone who is getting on GET ON NOW YOU IDIOTS because we gotta go!

Well mom did not like this and yelled at the boy about proper language and such. She punished him by sending him to his bedroom for 20 minutes.

20 minutes go by she calls him and he resumes playing with his train. She hears the train run then come to a stop and the boy spoke up.
“Ladies and gentlemen we have arrived at our next stop. Please check the overhead baggage racks before leaving and thanking you for riding with us. For thos boarding please have your tickets ready. And for those who are upset about the 20 minute delay please see the b___ in the kitchen. 

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young woman. The four passengers join in a conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young woman proposes, “If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs.”

The men, charmed by this young woman, all pull a dollar bill out of their wallets. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, “If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I’ll show you my thighs.”

Men being what they are, they all pulled out a ten dollar bill. The woman pulls up her dress all the way to her stocking tops.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young woman says, “If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis.”

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they’re passing. “See there in the distance. That’s the hospital where I had it done!”

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly – he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently awakens the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replies. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”

“Wow! That’s a great idea!!” he exclaims.

“Good,” she replies. “Get your own damn blanket!”

After a moment of silence, he farts.

A Kid at Heart

What does it mean to be a kid at heart?

A kid at heart feels joy at the quirkiness of life even if incapable of acting like a child. They are not jaded. They are still awed by the miracle of sunrise and sunset. Every newborn brings promise. A kid at heart appreciates fun, love, and life. A kid at heart is vibrant.

Lou and Lynn Part 22 Exploring Old Boxcars: A Girl’s Adventure

Lou soon knew why Lynn liked Sue so much. Sue was good-natured and loved playing outdoors. They climbed trees and played in the creek as much as they wanted. Sue had no chores, so nothing interfered with playing. Aunt Julie wasn’t fussy about how dirty they got. She rinsed them off with the water hose before they came in.


The only low point was Aunt Julie made all the kids come in and take an afternoon nap. In reality, only Aunt Julie and the boys took a nap. She just made them all lie down. Lou hadn’t taken a nap in years. There was no way she could go to sleep in the middle of the day. The girls started out lying on Sue’s bed talking quietly. Of course, they soon got giggly, then rowdy. Aunt Julie kept rousing up telling them to be quiet. By the time they had a pillow fight and broke a vase, she was furious. She gave up on her nap and ran them outdoors.

Fortunately, she didn’t stay mad long and brought out popsicles. The girls had the creek and vine to themselves while the boys napped. In the late afternoon, Troy and Billy woke up and came out to play. Aunt Julie brought the rescue puppy. He was the cutest little guy. Once he got over his shyness, he got rowdy and played enthusiastically.

A railroad track lay in the woods not too far behind Sue’s house. Two abandoned boxcars stood on a sidetrack. “Have you ever looked in those boxcars?” asked Lynn. “That looks interesting.”

”Let’s go see what’s in them,” answered Sue. The girls took off running. The boxcars were a lot bigger than they’d looked from a distance. They had to boost each other up, then pull the last girl up. It took a minute for their eyes to adjust to the darkness inside the boxcars.

The walls of the interior were covered with graffiti. There were two huge dragons battling each other, spewing fire from their mouths. A huge Jesus covered the end with the giant word, “”Repent!”There were a couple of women with their clothes falling off. There were numerous poems the girls could never repeat. It would have taken hours to see everything but it was getting dusky. From the house, they could hear the honking of a car horn. Sue looked startled. “Oh no, I bet Mama’s looking for us!” They climbed out and raced back home through the tall grass.

Sure enough , Aunt Julie was waiting for them. “Where in the world have you girls been? Troy said he saw you headed for the old train.” she said. She looked upset!

”We looked in them,” Sue said. “You should have seen all the pictures on the walls!”

”Don’t you ever go around those boxcars again! That’s dangerous! There could have been hobos hiding out there. There’s no telling what could have happened to you. Lynn, if your daddy ever finds out you went in those boxcars, you’ll never get to come back. You’d better think hard about that! Oh my Lord. You girls scared me!”

Big-eyed, the girls exchanged glances. Thy knew they’d never tell!