You are a nurse. Your elderly aunt calls to invite you to her only daughter’s wedding. She has an additional request. She wants to stay with you while her daughter goes on a one week honeymoon. She is a brittle diabetic. incontinent and needs insulin injections and blood sugar checks twice daily. She has no one else to ask. Finish the story.
A kid receives a train set for Christmas. He puts it together and begins to play with it as mom goes into the kitchen. She hears him play and run the train. She then hears the train stop.
She then hears the the boy say, Anyone who want’s to get off get the hell off now! And anyone who is getting on GET ON NOW YOU IDIOTS because we gotta go!
Well mom did not like this and yelled at the boy about proper language and such. She punished him by sending him to his bedroom for 20 minutes.
20 minutes go by she calls him and he resumes playing with his train. She hears the train run then come to a stop and the boy spoke up. “Ladies and gentlemen we have arrived at our next stop. Please check the overhead baggage racks before leaving and thanking you for riding with us. For thos boarding please have your tickets ready. And for those who are upset about the 20 minute delay please see the b___ in the kitchen.
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young woman. The four passengers join in a conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young woman proposes, “If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs.”
The men, charmed by this young woman, all pull a dollar bill out of their wallets. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, “If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I’ll show you my thighs.”
Men being what they are, they all pulled out a ten dollar bill. The woman pulls up her dress all the way to her stocking tops.
Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young woman says, “If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis.”
All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they’re passing. “See there in the distance. That’s the hospital where I had it done!”
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly – he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently awakens the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she replies. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”
Tarzan had just taught his new girlfriend, Jane, how to swing from a vine.
Jane saw a long, thin stick hanging among the vines. “Can I try swinging from that?” she asked Tarzan.
“You can try,” replied Tarzan. “But trust me, it won’t work.”
So Jane grabbed the stick. Then, much to Tarzan’s amazement, Jane was swinging from the stick just as well as he had ever swung from a vine!
When Jane came back, Tarzan was shocked. “I’ve tried to swing from that thing my whole life!” he said. “But it’s impossible! And you managed it on the first try! How did you do it?”
Jane rolled her eyes. “Typical. I start dating a guy I like, and it turns out he can’t drive a stick.”
Sue and Troy, the cousins, were playing in the yard when everyone got to the house. They came running, excited to see their cousins. They were overjoyed when they saw their mother bringing in the puppy she’d been hoping to catch. They danced with excitement, begging to hold him. Aunt Julie insisted they had to give him a little time to get accustomed to his new home and family.
Aunt Julie gave the puppy food and water as soon as she got him home. A flea bath was the next order of business for the rescued puppy. Aunt Julie wrapped him in a towel till he was dry. Finally, she sprinkled him with flea powder. He thought that was awful. She put vaseline on about twenty ticks to smother them, then came back and got them off with tweezers. She made him a bed with a blanket so he settled down to rest as soon as she was through. She said he knew he was home.
Lynn told Sue all about Lou. Sue got big-eyed when she heard Lou’s story and all about Grandma. “Golly, Lou. How did that that happen? How are you going to get home? Do you think the sheriff will come get you?” Sue asked questions faster than the two of them could answer.
“I don’t know why but a big bolt of lightning blasted me back in time and from Texas to Louisiana. Grandma is in another time and place but she’s getting some to help her get me back home. She’s given me a couple of proofs that she’ll get me back but she’s got to get it safe. She got me home for a few minutes but I popped back. She tried to get her bike back and stretched it out and broke it down n half. She has to make sure it’s right before trying again.
“Yeah,” Lynn broke it. Some of it looks like spaghetti. Wouldn’t it be awful to get stretched out like spaghetti! And guess what. Lou said her mom doesn’t know Lou’s gone. It’s like she’s in the future and here at the same time!”
“Wow! That’s really weird!” said Sue. “ Do you think the sheriff will come back and get you? Are you scared?”
“Mother won’t let him.” said Lynn. “He already tried.”
“Yeah! She’s really brave!” said Lou. “She chopped a snake’s head off with a hoe! Two dogs grabbed the pieces and ran off with it. The rest chased them trying to get it away from them. It was so funny!”
“ Golly!” said Sue. “Come on. I found a big Tarzan vine in the edge of the woods! We’d better get there before the boys find it!”
The girls took off. A little creek ran through the edge of the woods. Sue ran and grabbed a thick vine hanging from a tall tree. She backed up enough to get a running start. She swung across the creek and turned loose of the vine, landing on the far side. After wading out and retrieving the vine, she swung back across the creek, yelling like Tarzan.
“Your turn now.” She handed the vine off to Lynn. The fun was on! They started off swinging one at at time. Before long, Lou fell in the shallow creek. In no time, all three girls were purposely dropping off in the creek, muddy from head to toe. The boys heard the ruckus and showed up, joining the fun. It seems they’d just st gotten started when Aunt Julie called them to lunch.
When they showed up muddy and wet, she didn’t even get mad.
“Whoa! Y’all aren’t coming in the house looking like that! Wash up at the faucet and I’ll bring your lunch to the picnic table.” They squirted each other with the hose till she came back out with a tray of baloney sandwiches and milk.
“You little boogers turn that water off. I’ll skin you if you get me wet!”
My sister-in-law is the nicest person I know. She is intelligent, witty, and a joy to be with. She never takes cheap shots at people. She is not self-righteous but doesn’t judge me when I say something smart-alec. I just love her.
Ben and Kelly had been married seven years with three children. He was a CPA with a large firm, a very lucrative position. Kelly was a registered nurse. Kelly had to work alternate weekends so she wasn’t as involved in church activities as Ben. One day he announced to Kelly that he intended to leave home s CPA position, attend seminary, and become a minister.
Finish the story:
I got several very different but interesting responses. Can you relate to any of theses?
What the hell Ben, you’re Catholic and Catholic priests can’t be married, Ben replied I said minister not priest, I don’t intend on telling them I’m Catholic, so you’re going to become a minister in a different religion and just not tell them you’re Catholic and attend mass weekly are you going to continue to go to mass? Ben took a deep breathe and said yes I will continue to go to mass, Kelly just looked at him like he was out of his mind, which he must be unless this is some kind of joke. Yes Kelly thought this is some kind of joke he can’t be serious, so I will play along. Ok if this is what you truly want I will support you.
So when will you be going off to the what did you call it a seminary and how long will you be gone and do they pay you while you are there learning how to be a minister?
Ben said he didn’t know he was going to find out more the next day, Kelly said ok just let me know and do we have to sell the house and do you get a car like you did with the job you had because you can’t drive mine, I need it.
Ben looked confused and said let me find out more and we will talk about it later. Thinking to himself what the hell and I getting myself into.
Anyone know what comes next………
It never occurred to me they might be Catholic! What a twist!…..
Kelly was stunned to say the least. She knew with Ben as a CPA and her as a nurse they could live a very lucrative life. She told Ben that perhaps he should rethink his decision, after all she said, we could donate more financially to the church if you continue on as a CPA and the church could really use the funds. “Ben” she said, “please rethink this. You can keep on volunteering and you could even get a little more involved in the church. Become a assistant pastor.”
“I can’t do that Kelly, God has called me to a higher calling.”
“But all the years of schooling you’ve already done. What about our dreams to buy our forever home? What about having children and traveling? You becoming the coach of little league? What about our dreams?” Kelly asked as she held the tears from overtaking her.
“Kelly, I have to do this. I understand if you want a different life, but I am committed to the church and to God.”
‘I am too Kelly shouted! I am too. I just don’t know if I want to be a preachers wife. This is something that never entered my mind. Lots of great and amazing people attend church and are involved, but they don’t all throw away their careers and lives to become preachers.”
“My mind is made up Kelly, I’m doing this.”
“Well Ben, I sure do hope they can teach you there in that seminary school that when you are a married man, you don’t just make life altering decisions without talking to your spouse. I hope they teach you that as a husband you need to consider your wife’s feelings and work together in coming to a place you both want to be. I hope they teach you that you can still give your all to God and the church without being a pastor or minister.”
Ben thought about what Kelly was saying. He looked at her and he began to cry. Ben took her in his arms and begged her to forgive him. They fell to their knees and Ben began to pray out loud pleading for God to hear his prayer and to give him guidance. Ben petitioned God in prayer and he thanked Him for the blessing that was right in front of him, his wife Kelly.
It was in that moment that Kelly took Ben’s face in her hands and in the most loving voice told him, “follow the path that God lays out for you, no matter what that path is. I will support you and stand by you. I love you.”
At first I think she was in shock. She didn’t understand his desire because she worked and didn’t attend church with him. Hopefully she accepted it after much discussion with him
Kelly slapped him across the face, what does he think he’s doing making a life change of that magnitude which affects the kids without discussing. Then she asked him to sit down and explain his plan, where is the money coming from, how is he going to replace the missed income, does he plan to go to school out of state and who the hell is going to help with the kids. Whne Ben could not answer a single question, Kelly said the plan was on hold and that he can start to get a feel of what giving your life to the church is like by volunteering twice a week. I like strong smart women!
Kelly rightly informed Ben that her salary alone woul not be enough to support their family and she could not do more hours without the family suffering. She asked that Ben reconsider his change of job only when the children were no longer dependant and thre was no oustanding mortgage on their property. At that time she said she’s be more in a position to support his move to the Ministry. Ben agreed that his timing was perhaps not right and would delay any decision until their children no longer needed his financial imput and their education was complete. He would continue to offfer support to his church at his current level until a change was viable.
I loved all these responses. It’s interesting how everyone sees the situation differently. I would have had a hard time being supportive of supportive of a husband choosing to go into the ministry. I don’t think any man interested in the ministry would want me as a partner. Lots of times I’m the last to know what’s about to come out of my mouth. I’d probably get us both tarred and feathered.
These are all wonderful writers. Please click on links to check out their sites. Thanks to all of you.
A man buys a robot that slaps people when they tell a lie.
He decides to test it on his family at dinner that night.
The man asked his son, “Son, what did you do after school today?”
The son replied, “Oh, I just did some homework” and the robot slapped the son.
The son said, “Okay I actually watched a movie with my friends”.
The father asked, “What was the movie?”
The son said, “Star Wars, Episode 5”. The robot slapped the son. The son stammered “Okay it was Showgirls”.
The father laughed, “Ugh, I would never watch movies like that”. The robot slapped the dad.
The mom laughed, “He certainly is your son”. The robot slapped the mom.
Don’t lie to the cops
Man gets pulled over by the police.
“Sir have you been drinking?”
“Yes. 7 beers, 5 shots of tequila and about 4 glasses of wine.”
“I’m going to ask you to take this breathalizer test.”
“What! You don’t believe me?”
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s really good – I haven’t got any kids!”
I lied about my age
A 60 yr old Billionaire came to the Bar with his gorgeous 25 yr old wife!
Friend: “How did she marry you?”
Billionaire: “I lied about my age!”
Friend: “You said 45?”
Billionaire: “No! I told her I was 90”
Horrible lie
The preacher rose with a red face. “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!”
No one moved. The preacher continued, “Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!”
Again all was quiet.
Slowly a ‘drop dead’ gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets.”
Nutsrok 