humor

Finish the Story #6

Sixteen year-old Stephanie worked at the local Acme Supermarket. She wasn’t working there to earn enough for a cell phone or save for a car. Her father had died of suicide a year ago. Along with their heartbreak, the family was left impoverished since his life insurance didn’t pay off.

Her mother worked at the local garment factory at a low wage and took her eleven year-old twins with her to clean a couple of houses on Saturdays. She also drew social security.

Stephanie had great sympathy for other struggling families. In her misguided sympathy, she sometimes didn’t scan some of their groceries. One day the suspicious manager caught her.

Finish the story:

Lou and Lynn Part 20 Facing the Bully: A Tale of Frogs and Friendship

The next morning right after breakfast, Aunt Kat told the girls she needed a favor. “I need you girls to go to Miss Betsy’s and borrow her steam iron. Mine is still in the repair shop and I have to catch up on my ironing today.”

”Can I go?” wheedled Billy.

”Sure, if you promise not to fight with Lynn.”

”Okay.” he answered happily.
It was a wonderful day to be out for a ramble. The sky was a brilliant blue and the day not too hot yet. As they neared Miss Betsy’s, Billy said,”I hope that old mean Chris ain’t in the yard.” He seemed a little anxious.

”It’s okay if he is. He’s not gonna bother us. Don’t you remember?” Lynn said. Y’all just do what I say. When I give the signal, pretend to pull a frog out of your pocket and holler ‘Ribbit!’ It’ll be fine.”

”Who’s Chris? What does he do?”

”He’s a horrible bully.” Lynn said. “He’s so mean he hits his own dog with a stick. He used to throw rocks at us when we walked in front of his house. One day, Mother was drinking coffee with Miss Betsy next door to his house. Billy and I hid in the bushes and spied on him. His mama was making him help her in the flower bed and a frog jumped on him. He was scared to death of that little, old frog. He was jumping around and screaming his head off! “Get it off me! Get it off me!” He was screaming like a devil had him. It was hilarious to see a

bully act like such a scaredy cat! Early the next morning before school, me and Billy went to the pond and caught a big frog. I put in in my pocket. When I got to class, I slipped it in Chris’s jacket pocket hanging on his desk chair. I kind of forgot about it. Miss Jones had us taking turns reading aloud. When it was Karen’s turn, the frog made a big old ‘Ribbit’ frog sound. Everybody laughed. Miss Jones said’Who did that?’ Nobody said anything. Karen started reading again. Suddenly ‘Ribbit’ again! Miss Jones said,’Whoever did that is going to be in big trouble.’ The frog let out another big ‘Ribbit!’ and hopped out of Chris’s pocket. He went crazy screaming’Get it off me! Get it off me!’l

Then the frog jumped up on Chris’s collar. Chris went wild, knocking over his chair and scattering his books. The other kids were acting like clowns. Finally, someone caught the frog and put it out. Miss Jones was furious! She thought he’d sneaked a frog in to disrupt the class since his behavior was always so bad. He got in so much trouble. I wanted to laugh every time I thought of it the rest of the day.

Sure enough, Chris was in his front yard, watching them walk toward him. “Where do you think you’re going?” He demanded.

”We’re going to Miss Betsy’s but we all brought you a little present. You want to see? With that, all three pretended to pull a frog out of their pockets and called out ‘Ribbit! Ribbit!’

Chris took off, bellowing “Mama! Mama”

They all nearly collapsed, laughing.

Exercise

What is your favorite form of physical exercise?

I am lax in this area. Gardening is my exercise of choice.

Perfect Frog Jokes

Three frogs walked into a bar, the fourth frog ducked. 

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Why are frogs so happy? 
They eat watever bugs them! 

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What does a frog wear on St. Patrick’s day? 
Nothing! 

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What did the frog dress up for on Halloween? 
A prince. 

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How many frogs does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
One frog and 37 light bulbs, slippery hands, ya know. 

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Whats the preferred car of frogs? 
The Beetle. 

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What’s green and jumps? 
A frog!! (groan!) 

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What’s green and red? 
A very mad frog. 

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What’s green with red spots? 
A frog with the chicken pox! 

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What’s green with bumps? 
A frog with the measles! 

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What’s black and white and green? 
A frog sitting on a newspaper. 

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What’s green and dangerous? 
A frog with a hand-grenade. 

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What’s white on the outside, and green on the inside? 
A frog sandwich! 

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What do you say to a hitch-hiking frog? 
Hop in! 

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What happens when two frogs collide? 
They get tongue tied! 

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What kind of shoes do frogs wear? 
Open toad! 

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What do frogs do with paper? 
Rip-it! 

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What is the first book a tadpole reads? 
Metamorphosis by Kafka. 

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How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg? 
Unhoppy. 

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What happens when you mix a frog with a bathtub scrubby-mit? 
A rubbit! 

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Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes? 
He liked a good croak and dagger. 

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What happened to the frog’s car when his parking meter expired? 
It got toad!! 

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What do you call a frog that crosses the road, jumps in a puddle, and crosses the road again? 
A dirty double-crosser! 

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What’s green green green green green? 
a frog rolling down a hill 

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What is a frogs favorite time? 
Leap Year! 

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Why did the frog go to the mall? 
Because he wanted to go hopping. 

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I was walking down the alley one day and I saw a frog kicking a can. 
I asked him what he was doing. 
He said, “I’m moving!” 

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Why did the frog walk across the road? 
He didn’t… he jumped. 
Why did the frog cross the street? 
because the chicken crossed the road. 
Why did the frog cross the road? 
to see what the chicken was doing. 
Why did the frog cross the road? 
Some mean little kid super-glued it to the chicken. 
Why did the frog stop in the middle of the road? 
To get hit by a steamroller 
Why did the frog stay in the middle of the road? 
He ran after a fly and was hit by a car. 
Why did the frog cross the road? 
If a chicken can do it so could he! 

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How can you tell if a frog doesn’t have ears? 
You yell “Free Flies” and he doesn’t come. 

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How do you confuse a frog? 
Put it in a round bowl and tell it to take a nap in the corner. 
How does a frog confuse you? 
When he comes out and says he needed that nap and feels much better. 

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How do you apologize to a witch? 
Ribbit! 

Go to moon.

How much would you pay to go to the moon?

Nothing. I would pay to pass.

The best of the Best Bear Jokes

One day, a black bear walks into a bar…
The bear begins to get some strange looks, but he was use to this being a black bear and all.
Everyone in the bar was acting a little strange around him, but then he sat at the bar and the bartender began to serve him.

Bartender: Ummm…So what can I get you?
Bear: Let me get a shot of………………….. whiskey.
Bartender: Sure, but what’s up with the big pause?

Bear: I get them from my dad.

Two friends are out hiking, and they see a black bear on the trail in front of them
One guy takes off his pack, takes off his hiking boots, and puts on running shoes.

His friend says, “What are you doing? You can’t outrun that bear!”

The first guy says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear. I just have to outrun you!”


So a man and his three friends are sitting in a bar, one of them says to the others
“I’m the greatest bear hunter there ever was,” immediately 2 of the 3 friends disagree and say in unison,
“No way I am!!”  
They continue arguing until the 4th man who said nothing pipes up and says,
“I have never been bear hunting, maybe we should all go to see whose best at it?”

The friends agree, go home for the night and the next day they all get in a truck and drive deep into the forest.
While they are driving one friend turns to the bear hunting novice and says,
“When hunting a bear be very quiet. If it sees you, you have two options.”  he said,
“You either draw yourself up and get big and tall to scare it or you run.  If you run, it will chase you until you get to safety or 
until it catches you, whichever comes first.”  his friend concluded.

The man noted this and they got to the cabin they  had rented for the hunting trip, they set up and search around for hours scouting for bears, but they find none.
Disappointed they head back to camp and fell asleep.  When the men awoke they noticed that the bear hunting novice was gone so they get up to look for him outside.  They start to call his name but no answer, they grab their guns and walk a little till they hear the sound of running feet.

The novice is running at full speed towards the cabin with a giant black bear behind him, the other 3 friends pull him into the cabin and shoot the bear dead,
the friends all curious and angry with the novice hunter asked,
“What the hell were you doing?”
And finally after the novice catches his breath he says,

“Hunting!  Now stay here, I’m gonna have a drink of water, and I’ll go get us another one!”

Finish the Story #5

Ben and Kelly had been married seven years with three children. He was a CPA with a large firm, a very lucrative position. Kelly was a registered nurse. Kelly had to work alternate weekends so she wasn’t as involved in church activities as Ben. One day he announced to Kelly that he intended to leave home s CPA position, attend seminary, and become a minister.

Finish the story:

English Professor

What alternative career paths have you considered or are interested in?

Had I chosen at a more expedient time, I would have done well to pursue a PhD in Literature. Literature and writing were my first loves. My initial degree was English Education. I was an abysmal teacher. At the time I entered nursing, I wanted no more to do with teaching. Now I write because I must.

Lynn and Lou Part 19 A Day with Pixie: Adventures in the Barn

The barn beckoned the frisky children. “Oh, look There’s Pixie” called out Billy. “Let’s get pet her. Here she comes.”Pixie, a big brown horse with a black mane trotted toward them. she lowered her head and nudged the kid’s shirt pockets. “She wants a treat.” Said Billy. “Let’s get some corn.”

Lynn boosted Billy up so he could scoop corn out of a barrel. “Watch this” said Lynn. She held her hand out flat and Pixie scooped up a few grains with her soft mustached muzzle.

“Let me!” demanded Billy , offering Pixie a few kernels of corn off his outstretched hand. “It tickles!” he laughed.

“Try it.” said Lynn. Hold your hand still and flat. She won’t bite you.” Sure enough, Pixie snuffled up on her corn off Lou’s hand. Afterward, she nuzzled Lou’s cupped hands.

“She’s so sweet!” exclaimed Lou.

“Can we ride her?” asked Lou.

“Daddy said we can ride her any time we want to when we can saddle and bridle her ourselves. It’s easy to get the bridle on but the saddle’s is really heavy. Maybe if we both try, we could saddle her. Billy holds her close to the fence and feeds her corn.”

Lou had always wanted to ride a horse. “Let’s try! I’ll bet we can.” They went to the feed room and got the bridle, blanket and saddle. Lynn easily got the bridle on while Billy offered Pixie more corn. Between them, the two girls pulled and tugged till they got the heavy saddle on the top rail of the fence. After smoothing the blanket on Pixie’s back, they were able to work together to slide the saddle on her broad back, taking care to keep blanket smooth. “A wrinkle will make a sore. We’d never want to do that.” cautioned Lynn. Lynn showed her how to cinch the saddle.

“Oh no! breathed Lou. She’d never want to hurt this beautiful horse. All three children were on the top fence rail now.

Billy slid in the front of the saddle next to the horn leaving plenty of room in the saddle behind him. “Okay. Billy. Hold the reins. I’ll get behind you. Lou, scoot right behind me and hold on tight. We’ll give it a go.” Lynn said.

Lou slid over. It was a little scary on Pixie’s broad back. It would be a long way to fall. “Hang on tight!” said Lynn. With that, she nudged Pixie walked off. Lou held on tight.

She was riding!