humor

Best horse jokes

A horse walks into a bar. The barman confuses idioms with jokes and offers him a glass of water, but can’t make him drink.

2. I put a bet on a horse to come in at 10 to 1 – and it did! Unfortunately all the others came in at 12.30.

3. A horse walks into a bar. The barman asks: “Why the long face?”

4. I put a bet on a horse that had excellent breeding. After the horse left the starting gate, he stopped and closed it behind him.

5. A horse walks into a bar. “Hey,” says the barman. “Yes please,” says the horse.

6. What do you call a horse that can’t lose a race? Sherbet.

7. Have you heard the one about the runaway horse? It’s a terrible tale of WHOA!

8. Where do horses go when they’re sick? The horsepital.

9. What’s black and white and eats like a horse? A zebra.

10. Why should you never be rude to a jump jockey? In case he takes offence.

11. What’s a horse’s favourite TV show? Neighbours of course.

12. A pony went to the doctor complaining about having a sore throat. The doctor said: “It’s OK, you’re just a little horse.”

13. Some racehorses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. “In the last 15 races, I’ve won eight of them!”

Another horse breaks in: “Well in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!”

“Oh that’s good, but in the last 36 races, I’ve won 28!” says another.

At this point, the horses notice a greyhound, who has been sitting there listening. “I don’t mean to boast,” says the greyhound, “but in my last 90 races, I’ve won 88 of them!”

The horses are clearly amazed. “Wow!” says one, after a hushed silence. “A talking dog!”

14. How do you spell ‘Hungry Horse’ in four letters? MTGG.

15. A jockey is walking down the road leading a racehorse when he bumps into a friend. “What are you planning to do with that nag?” the man asks. “Race it,” replies the jockey, surprised. “Well, by the look of it,” the man says, “You’ll win!”

16. How can you tell a police horse from a normal horse? The police horse goes “Neigh-naw-neigh-naw-neigh-naw”.

17. Why did the man stand behind the horse? He was hoping to get a kick out of it

18. How do you make an appaloosa? Shake the tree

19. Which type of cheese do horses like best? Masc-a-pony

20. What sort of horses come out after dark? Nightmares

21. When does a horse talk? Whinny wants to!

22. What disease are horses most scared of getting? Hay fever

23. What kind of bread does a horse eat? Thoroughbred

Best Bread and Butter Pickles

I have been canning up a storm. I think my canning hormones are acting up. I canned ten pints of bread and butter pickles and just in time. I was down to my last jar. I use my brother-in-law’s mama’s favorite recipe. She got it from an old church lady. Is there any higher recommendation? I’m sure it’s been to many dinners on the grounds.

17 Day Pickles

1st day: Dissolve 2 pounds Kosher or Pickling Salt in 2 gallons water. (Regular table salt makes pickles dark) Pour over 16 pounds whole cucumbers. Weight down for 15 days. Make sure cucumbers stay submerged in salt water. I make mine in deep crock. Put a heavy saucer on top and weight down with gallon jug of water.

On the 15th day, pour salt water off. Cucumbers will look terrible. Wash and slice thin. They will be mushy. Dissolve 4 tablespoons powdered alum in 2 gallons water. Pour over sliced cucumbers for 24 hours.on 16th day drain and rinse well.

Pour 1 gallon distilled white vinegar over cucumbers. Let stand 24 hours.

17th day: Pour off vinegar but DO NOT wash! Layer in clean jars with lots of sugar. (Up to 10 pounds depending on your taste) Save about a quart of the vinegar you pour off, add 1 cup of sugar and jar of pickling spice. Bring to boil and pour over jarred pickles up to neck of jar. Wipe jar tops with vinegar water and put on new flats and unrusted rings. Submerge in deep pot, on a rack to keep jars off bottom of pot.. Cover jars with 2 inches water over tops of jars. Bring to full boil and process at full boil x 10 minutes. Remove use jar lifter to remove from boiling water. Cool on wire rack or towel. Jar will crack if it touched cold surface. As jars cool, the will seal with pop when flat depresses. When sugar dissolves, pickles are ready.

I Love Roasting Meat!

What food would you say is your specialty?

I love cooking meat dishes: ribs, brisket, pulled pork The most important thing I’ve learned is to brine twenty-four hours to a minimum of one hour. Rinse well and allow to come to room temperature before roasting. Use dry rub without salt if desired. I initially put meat in oven preheated to 400 degrees and reduce temperature to 330 degrees after thirty minutes. Cook to internal temperature of minimum 160 degrees, usually 1 1/2 to 2 hours. Meat on regular bs should pull slightly away from bone.

History

What major historical events do you remember?

Like everybody of my era, I remember the JFK assassination. I was in the eighth grade sitting on the bleachers in the gym with friends . It was surreal. It made such an impact, I even remember what I was wearing, a green corduroy jumper dress with a pleated skirt. It was such a shock it seemed like an Alice in Wonderland experience. I instantly understood nothing would ever be the same. I lived in the segregated deep South, so I am sorry to say some prejudiced ,younger students cheered but were quickly shamed into silence. It was a life-altering moment.

Lou and Lynn Part 18 Life Lessons from Aunt Kat: Kids, Oatmeal, and Playtime

Aunt Kat woke the girls a little after eight the next morning. “I let y’all sleep late this morning since we were out so late last night. We can’t go to church since there’s a flat on the car.”

Lynn cheered.

“Young lady. You ought to be ashamed of yourself! You know you need to be in church!”

Lynn didn’t look ashamed at all but did the best she could. “I know, but I hate church clothes. They’re all fancy and scratchy.”

“Pit on your play clothes, make your bed, and wake Billy. Breakfast is ready. I want to sew today, so I need help with the babies for a while. Then you can go play.

She was standing at the stove when the kids got to the kitchen. “Bring your bowls and get some oatmeal.”

Billy was so disappointed at the menu he launched a protest. “I hate oatmeal! Can’t I have biscuits and eggs.”

“No, you cannot! You’ll eat oatmeal or do without! I’m not putting up with a picky eater!” Aunt Kat told him. “Bring me your bowl.”

She flopped oatmeal in his bowl, adding sugar and milk. He ended up eating two bowls. “Where’s Daddy?” He finally thought to ask.

“He went back to help finish digging the well.” she told him.

“Just the men went today” his mother told him. They have to finish up today.”

“Baw!” Billy burst out crying, almost before she finished. “I wanted to go play with Waynie, Troy, and Gary again.

“Girls, Aunt Julie brought a box of Sue’s outgrown clothes and shoes for y’all to share. It’s hard to keep enough of Lynn’s washed up for the two of you.” she said.

“ I hope it’s play clothes. I hate those fancy dresses Aunt Julie makes Sue wear.” Lynn said.

“Whatever she sent, you’ll wear. We can’t go buying more when we don’t have to.” Aunt Kat said. “The little baby’s acting like she’s sleepy. She’s been up since five. If I one of you would rock her to sleep while the other does dishes, y’all could play outside. I can watch Connie while I sew.”

Lynn rushed to do dishes. “I never rocked a baby.” said Lou.

“Nothing to it.” said Aunt Kat. “Sit in the rocker with your arm around her and hold the bottle like this. Keep the bottle tipped up like this. If she gets air, she’ll get a tummy ache.”

The little baby cuddled sweetly into Lou’s arms. She pulled at her bottle eagerly and stared into Lou’s eyes intently. Lou could tell the baby liked her. As she neared the end of the bottle, the baby drifted off to sleep. Aunt Kat lifted the baby out of Lou’s arms and burped her, quietly taking her back to her bed.

When she came back, she shooed the three kids out to play. Connie was scooting happily around the room in her walker.

Thrilled to be outdoors, Lou said, “Let’s go check on Grandma’s bike. She told me in a dream she tried to work on getting it back and it pulled in half. We might find half a bike. Wherever she is now, she’s trying to learn how to get me back home.” They raced to the pear tree. Lou’s scooter was nowhere to be seen but a mangled portion of Grandma’s bike lay in the deep grass. “Wow,” Lou said. “I don’t want to get pulled in half like that. Grandma can take all the time she needs.”

“Sure can,” said Lynn. “It’s fun having you here. Let’s race to the barn!”

Finish the Story #4

Tiffany was dating Robert. He had a good job just as she did. They were so much in love. When he took her to meet his parents in Florida, everything went really well until his brother Joseph came to visit. He pulled Tiffany into his lap in front of the entire family. She was humiliated. Robert walked over and helped her up and told Joseph not to do that again. The men’s parents laughed it off as a prank. Later Joseph caught her alone in the kitchen and pinned her against the wall, fondling her.

Finish the story:

Funniest Stories

Gary was out and about one day doing errands or some such and drove past a Amish store. Everyone knows the Amish make good cheese and Gary decided to go back and get some good Amish cheese. When he drove in there were a few horse and buggy rigs tied up here and there. Gary gets out of his truck and starts into the store. There is an Amish man with a shovel scooping up horse poop and putting it in a bucket. Gary says to the man “what are you going to do with that…” and the Amish man answers him that he is going to put it on his strawberries. Gary says ” put it on your strawberries…!!!” and the Amish man says ” yah… put it on my strawberries… it is very good on strawberries, what do you put on your strawberries” and Gary says… ” we put whipped cream on our strawberries.

Gary loads up a couple of cows to take to the sale barn one morning and gets hit by a Semi truck on the way to the sale barn…the Highway Patrol officer arrives on the scene of the accident and hollers… “hey! this cow over here is badly hurt”…”BOOOM” shoots the cow and states… “I put the poor thing out of it’s misery”… the officer then hurries on over to Gary and asks Gary…”Are you hurt?”  Gary says…”no,no! I’m just fine,not hurt at all”….

It has been 10 months since we shared a Friday Funny, due to a lack of good material.  Special thanks to Ed Jowers, Emeritus Jackson County Extension Director for sending this funny story to share:

Photo Credit: Scott Sommerdorf

The Chicken Cannon

Scientists at NASA built a special cannon to launch standard 6-pound, whole dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.  The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

Engineers working on the Bullet Train project heard about the cannon and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a cannon was sent to the Bullet Train engineers.

The engineers were excited to see the results of years of hard work and planning.  They set up the experiment and even invited several government officials to attend that had championed the funding of this project.  They had a grand ceremony with a countdown.  The speedy bullet train roared down the test track at over 200 mph and the engineers fired the chicken cannon.

After the canon was fired, the engineers stood in shock as they viewed in horror at the damage.  The shatterproof glass was smashed to smithereens, there was a huge hole in the control console, the driver’s seat had the head rest blown off, and the chicken embedded into the back wall of the train engine’s cabin.

Luckily this was an unmanned test, so no one was hurt except for the pride of the engineers.  It was as if they were little boys who broke their prize Christmas present.  That chicken trashed their modern marvel.

Immediately the engineers began assessing the damages, took numerous photos and measurements and sent a full report, along with their pages of scientific designs to engineers at NASA.  The desperate engineers were totally dumbfounded and asked for an explanation of what could have possibly gone wrong?  Their email to the head engineer at NASA said, “Please help us understand how to resolve this issue.  We followed all standard protocols and double checked every safety precaution prior to the test with the chicken cannon!”

In just a few minutes, the Bullet Train engineers were shocked by the rapid response.  The head engineer at NASA responded with just one short line in bold, all capital letters:

“DEFROST THE CHICKEN FIRST!”

Risk?

What’s the biggest risk you’d like to take — but haven’t been able to?

It hasn’t crossed my mind to take a risk lately. The biggest risk I ever took was to encourage Bud to quit his job in the energy field and pursue a degree in nursing, a field with growth and job opportunities. It would mean I’d have to commit to working sixty hour weeks for the duration. We both worked on the budgeting and reached the conclusion it was possible. We launched the plan. I got all the overtime I could at my regular job and sought out extra shifts in the emergency room and ICU. Meanwhile, Bud concentrated on his studies. He graduated with honors and no student loans. I survived the ordeal.

I am proud of us both.

Lou and Lynn Part 17 Family Bonds: A Day of Hard Work and Laughter

Uncle Albert was in his sixties, the weathered family patriarch. He’d had a hand in raising all his sister’s children since their father died young. They were all well aware that they might have starved without him. He was grouchy and not particularly fond of youngsters, so the young cousins had learned to steer clear of him.

Well-digging was an arduous task. A sturdy frame was built over the chosen spot. The nephews took turns using a pick and shovel to dig. Others pulled up buckets of the hard, red clay. Before long, they were all shirtless and sweating. Despite the difficulty, the work continued at a rapid pace since there was always a fresh worker to take the place of a fatigued one.

They enjoyed working together and laughed frequently.
The women laid out a feast and called the children to eat before calling the men. Lou had never seen so such a large family. There must have been twenty children, most under twelve. Lynn had three cousins her age. Billy had three his age. There was a gaggle of babies and toddlers. There was never a quiet moment. The frantic mothers served their children plates of potato salad, beans and fried chicken and sent them off to sit on the ground and eat. The kids gobbled what they wanted and wasted the rest, rushing back to play.

The men crowded around the table, heaping their plates high. The women served themselves last. “This sure is some fine cooking.” one said.

”Pass the beans!” said another. They teased each other and the women all through the meal.

”Ronnie! Get out’a the road.” shouted Aunt Bessie! “Don’t make me get my switch.”

Warnings were frequently shouted at the wild children if they went near the well, hill, or river.

Lou had never played so excitedly. There were simultaneous games of baseball and hide and seek. General chaos ensued when younger children got too close and went down like bowling pins.

There were scoldings and swats aplenty when kids pushed their harried mothers too far, something that Lou had never seen. Most amazing of all, Lou was introduced to the outdoor toilet, a crude outbuilding built over a hole in the ground. “This is gross!” Lou said as she examined the facilities.


“You think this is gross! Wait till it’s been here a while. Whew!” Lynn laughed. “You won’t stay any longer than you can help”

They’d all been warned away from the log cabin in progress but eventually the parents’ vigilance wore thin. Mothers were putting the youngest ones down to nap on pallets. Suddenly, a rumble, clatter and shrieking came from the cabin. A couple of kids had slipped in and climbed on the log walls, collapsing them. Fortunately, nothing more serious than scrapes and bruises resulted.

Uncle Albert was clearly furious at the destruction of the cabin he’d worked so hard on. “You little devils. Y’all was told to stay out’a there! If you was mine I’d tan yore sorry hides.” The culprits were sternly lectured and some spanked by their fathers. The embarrassed men left the digging to the others and spent the rest of the day restacking logs. They brought them to an even higher level to make up for their boys’ bad behavior. Uncle Albert’s mood improved as the walls grew higher, though he continued to glare at the reckless boys.

As the day dragged on the sun went down and mosquitoes started to bite. Somebody built a bonfire. Mothers put insect repellent on the children and began to rock their sleepy babies.

”I sure wish they would knock off so we could get these kids home to bed.” Aunt Kat said.

”I know.” said Aunt Bonnie. “ They’re gonna have to finish tomorrow anyway.”

The kids raced in and out of the shadows of the fire, drunk on the joy of cousin-play. Finally the men gave up their digging, making the decision to continue Sunday morning. Sleeping babies were loaded in to vehicles for the trip home. Lynn, Lou, and Billy climbed into the back of the truck. Aunt Kat wrapped a them snuggly in an old quilt.

”Mother, it’s too hot!” Billy protested.

”It won’t be when we get going.” Aunt Kat said.

Sure enough, as soon as they started it was cool. The night was glorious. They looked up at the brilliant stars in the dark sky while bouncing along the wooded road. They were asleep before they’d gone a mile.



To be continued: