humor

Croc’s Breakfast Adventures: A Morning Routine

Things went Croc’s way for once this morning. For once I slept later than Bud, I normally feed and water the dogs first thing in the morning. It’s written in stone for Croc. I picked up Croc’s dish, filled it and put it in front of him. He gobbled his food, like always, looking at me plaintively like Oliver Twist. “Please Ma’am? Can I have some more?” He got no more.

jLittle dog turned his nose up at his breakfast, like he usually does. When given the word, Croc gobbled it, too.

just then, Bud walked in the living room. “I fed Croc.” He told me.

”Oh no! I did, too!. He was begging when I came through.”

Best jokes for Monday Morning

I once dated a girl who broke up with me because I only have 8 toes. Yes, she was lack-toes intolerant





I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.





I’ve started investing in stocks: beef, vegetable, chicken. One day I hope to be a bouillianaire.





If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock. Now that’s humerus.



I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I have Heinzsight. 



Did you know muffins spelled backwards is what you do when you take them out of the oven?



Scientifically, a raven has 17 primary wing feathers; the big ones at the end of the wing are called pinion feathers. A crow has only 16. Therefore, the difference between a raven and a crow is only a matter of a pinion.




I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribal leader and said, “That lizard is really funny!” The leader replied. “That’s not just any old lizard … he’s a stand-up chameleon.”



I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I thought I nailed it, but nobody saw it.



Singing in the shower is fine until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.




My friend said she wouldn’t eat a cow’s tongue because it came out of a cow’s mouth.So, I gave her an egg.



Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible King, but he made a great ruler.



Ran out of toilet paper and now using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg and tomorrow romaines to be seen.



My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. That’s right ……. Jack and the beans talk.



I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants. You probably have not heard of herbivore.



I was struggling to understand how lightning works and then it struck me.



Six cows were smoking joints and playing poker. You guessed it ……… the steaks were pretty high.

Family

What are you most proud of in your life?

I am most proud of my family. They are good people I would choose for friends.. They do the things they should and go the extra mile. They persevere through difficult times. They do not hate they should. I love them.

Best of the Morning Funnies

one
one 2
one 3
one 4
one 5

money
money
money

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Kentucky State Lottery?

The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

“Daddy,” a little boy asked his father. “How much does it cost to get married?”

“I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it.”

Talent does what it can, genius what it must.

I do what I get paid to do.

girl,bikini:5

What is the thinnest book in the world?

“What men know about women.”

What do you call a womanwho works as hard as a man?

Lazy.

policeman,shield

What not to say to the nice policeman:

I can’t reach my licenseunless you hold my beer.

What is the differencebetween a sofa and a manwatching Monday Night Football?

The sofa doesn’t keep asking for beer.

Lou and Lynn Part 16 Uncle tAlbert’s Riverfront Cabin: A dangerous Family Adventure

Uncle Albert was building his house atop a hill over the river. Actually, he was taking apart his old log cabin and moving it near the river where he was reassembling it log by log with the help of his many nephews. Before he could get to that, he had to have a water well. Even though most people would have hired a business to drill one. Uncle Albert wouldn’t be doing that. He had no money. His nephews agreed to pitch in and dig one for him knowing they’d have to dig at least twenty feet to reach water.

The work had already started when Mr. Al came bumping up. Numerous cousins came running up to the truck calling “Lynn!” Or “Billy!” The children jumped out of the truck, ready to play with their cousins.

”Be careful!” called Aunt Kat, her warning falling on their disappearing backs. She went to join the women at a makeshift picnic area. Mr. Al joined the diggers at the well site.

One of the children had brought his red wagon. “Hey! Let’s take this wagon to the top of that hill and coast down!.” Several children climbed the gravel road up the steep hill, prepared to do that. Once they got there and looked down, Allen, the wagon’s owner reconsidered. The river’s high banks stretched near the bottom of the ride. “I changed my mind. Somebody else go first.”

”We’ll go.” called Lynn, glad for the first turn. She and Lou climbed in Allen gave the wagon a shove. They fairly flew down the hill, Lynn guiding the rattling wagon through the gravel. Dust fogged up behind them. The clattering of the descending wagon and cheers of the children caught the attention of their elders, who were horrified at the sight of the wagon flying down the hill toward the river below!

They dropped their work, shouting “Stop! Stop! The wagoneers could do nothing but hang on and pray for their lives. It turns out, Lynn and Lou got not only the first ride but the only ride. Lynn narrowly avoided crashing them off the high bluff into the river below.

The girls were rewarded with an angry lecture on how they’d nearly killed themselves. The wagon was confiscated!

To be continued:

In Progress

What have you been working on?

Thank goodness, I don’t have to think about this. I am crocheting a gift for a friend. I expect to finish in a day or so. I start projects with great anticipation but my enthusiasm flags toward the end. When I finish this project , I will make my friend a purple and gold sweater. She is a great fan of LSU. She dresses up for all the games.

Finish the story #1

Two brothers were walking to school. As they passed the gas station, a tall redheaded girl in a green hoody waved at Jerry, the older of the two. He told Lane, “Uh oh, I forgot my English homework. I have to run home and get it. You go on.”

Finish the story in the comments.

Lynn and Lou Part 15 Gathering Eggs: A Chicken Farm Tale

”Hurry and get dressed! We’re going to Uncle Albert’s today. The men are going to pitch in and dig him a well. Lynn, you and Lou go let the chickens out of the henhouse and feed them. Take this bucket and gather the eggs on your way back in. Billy put out water for the dogs and the chickens. Do NOT get wet. Come straight back in.”

The kids took off. Lynn opened the henhouse door and the chickens swarmed out. A fat hen jumped on top of Lou’s head. It was terrifying. She screamed and ran all over the chicken yard. The hen got tired of the wild ride and jumped off. Lynn laughed till tears ran down her cheeks. “I’m sorry. I forgot to tell you they do that sometimes. We raised all our chickens from babies, so they still think they’re tiny chicks.”

Yeah, sure, I’ll bet you forgot.” Lou replied. She wasn’t much upset. It probably did look funny.

“If you’re still scared, I’ll feed the chickens. They flock all around trying to get to the feed. One of them might jump on you. They won’t hurt you.” Lynn said.

”That’s okay. I was just surprised. I’ll feed them.” She scattered chicken feed all inside the chicken yard. They quickly lost interest in her. “This is actually kind of fun.”

Lynn took the egg basket over to the row of nesting boxes. They were about head high. Rather than take the time to climb the ladder, Lynn stood on tiptoe, pulling one egg from each nest. When she reached in the last nest, she screamed and took off at a run, slinging eggs along the way. “Snake! Snake! Mother! There’s a snake in the nest!” she screamed. “I hate snakes!”

Aunt Kat came at a run. She grabbed a hoe next to the chicken yard gate. She climbed a couple of steps up the ladder and raked the snake out on the ground where she chopped his head off with the hoe. The dogs were going crazy with joy. One grabbed the head, another the body. Feeling cheated, the others took off after the two lucky ones, trying to snatch their prize. Aunt Kat laughed and put her hands on her hips, “Well, I bet I won’t have to remind anybody not to reach in the nest without looking, will I? She gathered up the few unbroken eggs. “Girls, take the hoe and scratch some dirt over these broken eggs. We don’t want the dogs to start sucking eggs. Hurry, Daddy’s almost ready to go.”

The kids were in awe of what she’d done.”Your mother is the bravest woman I’ve ever seen!” said Lou: “I’m so glad I didn’t gather eggs.”

When they got back in, Mr. Al was loading the old truck with shovels and rope. Aunt Kat and the girls brought out a big basket with picnic lunch. “Get in the back and sit down. Don’t you climb up on the rails. If I have to stop and straighten you out, it won’t be good!”

”Yes Sir” they all answered. No one could have convinced her to move. She’d never seen anyone ride in the back of a truck.

Aunt Kat came around to the back of the truck and handed Lynn a brown paper bag of hot sausage biscuits with jam. “You each have two apiece, but don’t waste them. You might want one for a snack later” she said. She got in the cab of the truck. She put Connie in the car seat and clung to the little baby as the truck bumped off down the gravel road. Dust fogged up behind the truck.

Lou dug in. The biscuit sandwiches were so good, she gobbled both. What a wonderful way to start the morning.

The Grocery Debate: Whose Meal is It?

Does any other man do this? At our house, the groceries are mine. I can take my choice of uncooked rice, pasta, produce, a package of raw bacon. Strangely once it is cooked, Bud refers to it as my chicken, my fish, my biscuits. The list goes on and on.

For example, today we had company for lunch. I turned a whole bunch of my groceries into Bud’s fried chicken, Bud’s rolls,Bud’s green beans, Bud’s sweet potato casserole, and Bud’s apple pie. It was delicious. Somehow, when looking lunch was over and clean up in progress, it was as all mine again.


Tonight, after dinner Bud asked if any of his pie left. Sadly. If was all eaten. “Who ate ALL my pie. I reminded him we’d had six to lunch. I’d cut the pie in six pieces.

When he was ready for dinner tonight, he came out looking stricken. “Who ate all my chicken? There’s only three pieces left!

”That should be plenty for your dinner.” I told him. You have plenty of green beans, sweet potato casserole , and rolls left. That should be plenty.”

“Well who ate all my chicken? Did you send it all home with with your mother?”

”I did send her a leg and a thigh for her dinner. She had only weighs 102 pounds. I’m glad she got out with it before he missed his chicken. She only weighs 102 pounds. She needs protein.”