A man is at the funeral of an old friend. He tentatively approaches the deceased’s wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods. The man clears his throat and says, “Plethora.” The widow smiles appreciatively. “Thank you,” she says. “That means a lot.” Another man comes up and says: “Mind if I say a word too?” She says: “Please do.” The man clears his throat and says: “Bargain.” The widow replies: “Thanks, that means a great deal.” Another man comes up and asks for the same privilege. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: “Earth.” The widow replies, “Thank you, that means the world.” Another man comes up and asks if he could say a couple words. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: “Being alive.” The widow replies, “Thank you, he would have liked that.” Another man comes up and asks if he could say a word. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: “Infinity” . The widow replies, “Thank you, that means more than you could possibly imagine.” Like Another man comes up and asks if he could say a word. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: “Fhqwhgads”. The widow replies: “Thanks, you don’t know what that means.” Another man comes up and says: “Mind if I say a few words too?” She says: “Please do.” The man clears his throat and says: “The Mariana Trench.” The widow replies: “Thanks, that’s really deep.” Another man comes up and says: “Mind if I say a few words too?” She says: “Please do.” The man clears his throat and says: “water pit”. The widow replies: “Thanks, I know you mean well.”
humor
Good Ones!
Mom and Dad are sitting on the sofa…Little Johnny is at the breakfast bar trying, with great difficulty, to remove the foil lid from a little tub of yoghurt…“Stupid f……… lid !” he says…Mom looks to Dad and says “I wonder where he gets that from ?”…Dad replies “Well out of the f……….fridge of course ya stupid b……….
Another…Sean says to Paddy…“Ere, Paddy, how come them scuba divers always fall backwards off the boat ?”…Paddy replies…“Well if they fell off frontwards, they’d still be on the bloody boat !”…
Another…Little Johnny returns home from school early…Dad asks “Why are you home so early ?”…Johnny explains…”Well we were having ‘maths’ class and the teacher asked “Who can tell me what 2 ×3 is ?”, an’ I put up my hand and said 6″…“Yeah, well that’s right” says Dad…“And then she asked me “And can you tell me what 3×2 is ?” “Dad says “It’s the same f……….thing ! ““Thats what I said” says Johnny “and she sent me home !”…
Soft Heart
What’s something most people don’t know about you?
I try to conceal the fact that I am soft-hearted. I tease or use humor to steer the subject away if I fear my feelings will betray me, particularly with people I know. I don’t want to appear weak or vulnerable. I learned to be stoic in early life. Sometimes that’s a good thing, sometimes not.
Enjoying the Day at the OMV: A Personal Experience
I am at the Office of Motor Vehicles and made up my mind to enjoy myself. First of all, I had to renew my license and get a Real ID. We had some business to conduct with my son, so Bud and I are meeting him in Alexandria. We woke up to a glorious, cool day, such a relief after the blazing summer. We had a beautiful drive down. We will have lunch with John after our business, always a pleasure. He lives in Baton Rouge so it’s treat to see him without a four hour drive.
I love people watching. Amazingly, there has not been a single ugliness at the OMV. I am not accustomed to this. The last time I had to visit I joined a roomful of defeated-looking people.
I had the pleasure of seeing the kid in the red-checked pajamas get his first license. He was all anxiety until his victory, then pure jubilation.
His mother’s anxiety was unrelieved by his success. He drove home! If I had to the whole process of teaching a kid to drive again, I’d just lead the them out to the car, beat it with a baseball bat, and tell them, “Now we’re ready! You won’t have to use that excuse about swerving to miss a dog” It would get a couple of things out of the way.
Afterward, John treated us to lunch at Lea’s Lunchroom., a well-known local restaurant in LeCompte, Louisiana. We all had a fine ham sandwich. I had lemon meringue pie. Bud said it was like taking coal to Newcastle since I have three freshly baked strawberry-rhubarb pies waiting at home but life is too short to neglect pie. It has been a wonderful day!
Lou and Lynn Part 15 The Pea-Shelling Party: A Tale of Community and Fun
Mr. Al had to work the three to eleven shift that afternoon. Just before he was to leave for work, a peddler came by selling peas. Mr. Al came in carrying a huge load of peas. Aunt Kat looked appalled. “Oh no! I was planning to do laundry and mop this afternoon. Now we have to shell peas!” She spread a clean sheet on the floor and Mr. Al poured out the peas. A heap about two feet high covered three-quarters of the sheet.
“I know said Mr. Al “but we have to get peas when they’re available. These should get us through the winter.”
“I know, “ said Aunt Kat, “but it will be a big job for me and the kids to get these done by ourselves. They’ll go bad if I don’t get them in the freezer tonight.“
“I’ve gotta go. I gotta pick up Arnie for work. I’ll see if Betsy and her girl can come help.”
“That would really help.” She cheered up, knowing they would probably come help. They often helped each other on big jobs.
Soon enough, Miss Betsy and Sharon peeked in the front door. “Yoo hoo! Your help’s here.” called out Miss Betsy.
“Oh, thank you! I couldn’t imagine how I’d get all these done. Girls, get everybody a pan and let’s get started.” Lou had never seen peas shelled but she caught on quickly. The bad thing was, the purple of the pea shells stained her hands and under her fingernails. Aunt Kat told her it would wear off in a day or two.
Miss Betsy was a lot of fun. She had them laughing hysterically over her stories. Even the big baby liked her. The best thing was, Sharon loved babies. She held the little baby all the time except when the she napped. She teased Connie and kept her giggling.
Aunt Kat introduced a game called gossip they could play as the pile of peas decreased. The leader whispered a few words into the ear of the person next to them. The words couldn’t be repeated once spoken. The whispered message obviously got mangled as it passed from person to person. The last person in line revealed the message. It was hilarious. The original message “My kitten has blue eyes,” turned into “My wigwam has fried pies” They played till everyone got a chance to whisper the starting message.
After that, they all sang songs. It was like a party. Even seven-year-old Billy took his turn leading them in song. They played I Spy. They were making tremendous progress on the pile of peas when Aunt Kat took a break to make peanut butter sandwiches and kool aid for the pea shellers. By the time they were through with the peas, it was getting dusky dark. “We’d better head home before it gets too dark,” Miss Betsy said.”We have flashlights” We heard them singing far down the road.
We’d shelled two big dishpans of peas. They’d be eating peas long after I was back home. That almost felt a little sad.
Unlike washing dishes, the pea-shelling party was fun. I wished it could have gone on longer.
I was exhausted when I went to bed, too tired to talk. Loua woke me upu still had the big light on when I went to sleep. She was awakened by Grandma humming, “You are My Sunshine.”
“Grandma, I knew you’d get me home! I woke up in my own bed this morning.” said Lou, excitedly.
“Quiet!” said Grandma. “They can’t hear me but they can sure hear you. I almost messed up this morning l. It’s a wonder I didn’t spaghettify you. I can’t take that chance agin. I tried to get the bike and tore it in half. You’ll see in the morning. I’m not going to try again till I’m sure. You’re going to be here a little longer.”
“Where are you? Lou asked.
“ I think between yesterday and tomorrow. I like it. The strange thing is, a person can be in more than one place at a time. You are still at home with your parents and you are here. I’m trying to get all of you safely together at home. I’m at home and here in between.” said Grandma.
“So that’s why Mom’s not worried. I’m home, too.”
“Yes, it is but I will get you home. Don’t get discouraged.” Grandma said.
“I’ll try.” said Lou. I’m actually having a lot of fun. I like Lynn. She seems kind of familiar.”
Grandma seemed a little somber.”I won’t be back for a while. I’m getting some help from some really smart guys. We will get you home!”
The next thing she knew, Aunt Kat was waking her up.
To be continued:
Lazy Days
Do lazy days make you feel rested or unproductive?
Lazy days make me feel good. I normally do what needs to be doing next, so if I feel like taking a day off, I do it. we inow what we need.
Finish the Story
Doris and Fred had been married forty-two years. Three of their four children had left the nest but thirty nine-year-old Jamie kept showing back up, often with a woman in tow. Doris was thoroughly sick of him but Fred kept the door open.
He and his current love interest had been lying about for nearly two months when Fred suddenly died. Doris,,,,,,,,,finish the story.
Either copy and paste into a new post or finish in comments
Lou and Lynn Part 14 Family Lunch: Soup and Cornbread Moments
The girls hurried in the back door just ahead of Daddy and Billy. “Girls, hurry and set the table. We’re having soup and cornbread, so all we need is bowls, spoons,napkins,and glasses for milk.”
By now, Lou knew where everything was so she set the table while Lynn poured milk. Lynn took Connie’s dress off and put the big baby in her highchair. Lou wondered why Lynn stripped her down but didn’t want to ask. Soon enough, it was obvious.
Aunt Kat put a steaming pot of vegetable soup with big chunks of beef on the table. The crisp golden cornbread was dripping with butter. Though she’d never even tried cornbread before, she wanted it now. When she smelled the tempting aroma, Lou was suddenly starving. The family gathered and fell to eating after Lynn said grace.
Aunt Kat had put cooled chunks of vegetables and small bits of beef on Connie’s high chair tray. When the tiny girl had all she wanted, she proudly mashed the rest into her blonde hair. She grinned widely and chunks of potato fell out of her mouth. She was adorably messy.
“I don’t like soup.” said Billy.
“That’s okay,” said Aunt Kat. “You can go on out and play then.”
“But I’m hungry!” he protested.
“You don’t have to eat soup” his mother said. “That will leave more for the others”
“Can I have some soup?” he asked.
“Of course.” He ate two bowls with cornbread.
After lunch, the girls cleaned Connie and her mess up. “Girls, bring in that load of diapers off the line and hang out these towels. Then you can go play.
“Okay!” They grabbed the laundry basket and raced to the clothesline. “It’s fun having you here.” said Lynn. “You don’t seem as worried about getting home as you were.”
“After I woke up at home this morning, I know I’ll get back. I’ve been thinking. Mom said I had been at home. She didn’t know anything weird was going on. It was a relief to know she’s not upset. Besides, I like you and we’re having a lot of fun. But, I don’t like washing dishes!” Lou said. “
“Nobody likes washing dishes!” laughed Lynn.
To be continued:
Speeding, Tickets, and Laughs: A Comedic Collection
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the officer.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
I am a Home Health Nurse, I was always speeding. I love to drive fast. One afternoon, I saw the familiar lights, behind me, and pulled over. I lit a cigarette, got my insurance card, and license in my hand. Ready to hand it to the officer, I knew the drill. I noticed the officer really eyeing the mess my car was in. I hadn’t cleaned it out the weekend before. So, now almost 2 weeks worth of trash was almost level to the passenger seat, from the floorboard. The officer said, with doubt that his eyes, and tone, “Are you sure it’s safe to smoke a cigarette, that close to that mess.” Without missing a beat, I returned, “Officer. I’d appreciate it if you’d give me a ticket for speeding, and not for hauling trash without a permit.” The officer gave me a split second double take. Then started laughing, and kept laughing. He couldn’t even get out what he was trying to say. Finally, he waved me on. Said that was the best response he ever heard.
Helpful Wife
An officer pulls over a man and a woman for driving their late-model Mercedes coupe 20 miles per hour over the posted speed limit.
The officer approaches the car, seeing an affluent-looking late-50s gentleman behind the wheel and a striking woman at least 20 years younger—and bearing a diamond on her left ring finger worth at least a year of the officer’s salary—in the passenger seat.
“I stopped you because you were going 75 in a 55 zone,” the officer says.
The driver replies, “No sir, I was going just a little over 55.”
The woman says, “Oh Stuart! You were going at least 80 and hit the brakes when you saw the cop car on the side of the road!”
The man gives his wife a dirty look.
The officer says, “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.”
“Broken tail light?” the man replies. “I didn’t know about a broken tail light.”
The woman exclaims, “Stuart! You’ve known about that tail light for weeks!”
The man gives his young wife another dirty look.
The officer then says, “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.”
The driver replies, “Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.”
“Stuart,” the pretty woman says, “you know you never wear your seat belt!”
The husband bursts out, “Shut your mouth, woman!”
The officer takes a moment, and then says, “Ma’am, does your husband always talk to you this way?”
“No,” she says, “Only when he’s drunk.”
2. Prescription Glasses
Officer stops a man for speeding— notices he’s not wearing his required prescription glasses.
Officer says, “I have to give you a ticket for not wearing your glasses.”
Driver says, “Officer, I have contacts.”
Officer says, “I don’t care who you know, you’re still getting a ticket.
3. The Clairvoyant
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
4. Energizer Bunny
The energizer bunny was recently arrested. He was charged with battery.
5. Two Peanuts
Did you hear about the two peanuts walking in a bad neighborhood? One was assaulted.
6. Forty Over
An officer conducting speed enforcement stops a young man for traveling in excess of 40 mph over the speed limit. The officer approaches the driver and says, “Well, 40 over…I been waiting for you to come along all day.”
Without pause, the young man replies, “I got here as fast as I could!”
7. California Roll
After making a “California Stop” at a stop sign, a man is pulled over by a patrol officer. The officer walks up to the car, gets the driver’s license and registration, and tells him he was stopped because he failed to come to a complete stop at the stop sign.
The driver replies, “I slowed down. There was no one coming, so I drove on through.”
The officer replies, “You are required to come to a complete stop before proceeding through the intersection.”
The driver argues back. “There was no one coming. What’s the big deal?”
The officer tries again. “Sir, all four wheels must cease motion before you can proceed past the stop sign.”
The driver is not convinced. “If there’s no one coming, then, stop or slow down, what’s the difference?”
The officer asks the driver to step out of his car. Once he has done so, the officer takes out his baton and begins striking the man at various points on his upper and lower body. After 30 seconds or so of this, he pauses.
“Now, sir—would you like me to stop, or is it okay if I just slow down?”
8. The Hospital
An officer observes a woman standing in the middle of the street. He approaches her and asks, “Are you okay?”
The woman replies, “Yes, but how do I get to the hospital?”
The officer replies, “Just keep standing there.”
9. The Lecture
An officer sees a man exit a bar at closing time and get into his car. After observing some erratic driving, he pulls the man over. The officer asks the driver, “Where are you going at this time of night?”
The man replies, “I’m on my way to attend a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
The officer then asks, “Who would be giving that kind of lecture at this time of night?”
The man says, “My wife.”
10. Drug Test
An officer comes upon a man clearly under the influence of some illegal substance. He says to the man, “We’re going to have to give you a drug test.”
Without hesitation, the man replies, “Cool, which drugs are we testing?”
11. The Wedding
An officer pulls over a man for speeding.
Before the officer can even say a word at the stop, the man—dressed in a tuxedo—blurts out, “Sir you have to listen to me…”
The officer cuts him off, “Sir, you were going twice the speed limit, I’m going to issue a ticket.”
Insistent, the man pleads, “Please! I have to…”
The officer interrupts, “Don’t bother, you’re getting this ticket.”
This back-and-forth continues for several minutes, eventually escalating to where the man was becoming openly hostile. The officer places the man under arrest.
At the holding cell, the officer says, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the man in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
Nutsrok 