humor

ER DIAGNOSES

In my many years working as an acute dialysis nurse, on the evenings I was on call, the last thing I did before packing it in for the day was look to see if any of my patients who were frequently admitted were were being seen in the Emergency Room. If they were, I checked their diagnosis to see if I was likely to be called back to do an emergency treatment. I’d much rather tend to problems sooner than layer. I never learned to enjoy being awakened at two am for care I could have completed before midnight.

The first employee a patient saw upon entering the ER was usually a clerk with no medical training. They asked the patient what the problem was and typed it directly in. Should the patient be in distress, a nurse was summoned immediately. Some diagnoses in the computer raised more questions than they answered.

  1. Zipped britches on weiner(hurts to think about that)
  2. Spinning and vomiting.(that one sounds like a real mess)

3. Fried worms in ear(Grandma used folk cure)

4. Lightbulb, sausage,flashlight up rectum(not uncommon)

5. Paper cut(wanted work excuse)

6. Request viagra prescription

7. Baby threw up once after eating squash(fine now. Eating chips)

8. Found 2 ticks on pants(hadn’t attached, mom wanted child checked)

9. Nausea(patient had vomiting phobia)

10. Mosquito bite(no rash, allergic reaction)

Thankfully ERs are there for people who need them but everything is not an emergency!

Excellent Irish Jokes to Tickle Your Fancy

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.  Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
 I got him a Guinness.  He didn’t like it, so I drank it.
 Then I got him a Kilkenny’s, he didn’t like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?  He didn’t.  I drank it.
 I thought maybe he’d like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson’s; nope!
 In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland’s finest whisky.  He wouldn’t even smell it.
 What could I do but drink it!
 By the time I realized he just didn’t like to drink, I was so off my face I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!
 
 
Irish Confession
 
I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.
 Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.  On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.  On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
 When the priest came in, I said to him, “Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”
He replied, “You moron, you’re on my side.”
 
 
Some Light Dublin Traffic Humor
 
A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. 
 “Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins.” shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are; show them your cross.”
 Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “**** off, ya…. $X@!# …before I come over there and…..$X@!#….”  She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough?”
 
 
AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO
 
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino.  She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice. 
 She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely naked.”
 With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”
 As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed: “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her clothes) and quickly departed.
 The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.  Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”
 The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching the dice.”
 
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all Irish are drunks. 
Not all blondes are dumb. 
But all men…. are men. 
 
Irish Fun
 
Mick says to Paddy: “Close your curtains the next time you’re shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”
Paddy says: “Well the joke’s on them stupid bastards, because I wasn’t even home yesterday.”
______________________________ __
 

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says “For God’s sake Paddy, that’s your air freshener swinging about!”
______________________________ __
 

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, ‘Not guilty.’
‘That’s grand!’ shouted Reilly. ‘Does that mean I can keep the money?’
______________________________ __
 

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. 
Quinn thinks he’s very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
______________________________ __
 
Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up ’til two o’clock in the morning. I can’t break her out of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin’ at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin’ for me to come home.
______________________________ __

Great Jokes and Cartoons for You

A monkey one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.
As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.
“Wow, this is great,” he thought. It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight.
Lots of other monkeys, all free and nibbling on bananas. “Hey,” he called. “I’m a monkey from the laboratory and I’ve just escaped.
Are you wild monkeys?” “Yes. Come and join us,” they cried.


Our friend trotted over to them and started eating the bananas. It tasted so good. “What else do you wild monkeys do?” he asked. “Well,” one of them said. “You see that field there? It’s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.” This, he couldn’t resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, “What else do you do?” “You see that tree there? It’s got papayas growing in it. We eat that as well.” The papayas tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.

“It’s fantastic out here in the world” he told them. 
“So are you going to live with us then?” one of them asked. 
“I’m sorry, I had a great time but I can’t.” The wild monkeys all stared at him, a bit surprised. 
“Why? We thought you liked it here.” 
“I do,” our friend replied. “But I must get back to the lab. I’m dying for a cigarette.”

Best Monkey Jokes for Saturday Night

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.He orders a drink and while he’s drinking,the monkey jumps all around the place.The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them.Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then he jumps onto the pool table,grabs one of the billiard balls,sticks it in his mouth,and to everyone’s amazement,somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy,”Did you see what your monkey just did?”
“No,what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table …Whole!”

“Yeah,that doesn’t suprise me,” replied the guy,”he eats everything in sight, the little bum.I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”

He finishes his drink,pays for his bill,pays for the stuff the monkey ate,then leaves.
Two weeks later he’s in the bar again,and has his monkey with him.He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.He grabs it,sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted.”Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.
“No, what?” replied the man.

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his but,pulled it out, and ate it!” said the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t suprise me,” replied the guy. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.”

Fall Garden Cleanup

What have you been putting off doing? Why?

My flower beds are crying out for a clean up. The heat of July, August, and early September is horrendous in Louisiana. We go for weeks with temperatures over one hundred degrees. Just this week it is cooling off enough I can take on the onerous task of weeding and cleanup. First, I will sprinkle the beds with fire ant killer. They don’t seem to mind the heat and build cozy homes in flower beds. After they are evicted, I’ll go to work.

Best of the Morning Funnies

one
one 2
one 3
one 4
one 5

money
money
money

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Kentucky State Lottery?

The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

“Daddy,” a little boy asked his father. “How much does it cost to get married?”

“I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it.”

Talent does what it can, genius what it must.

I do what I get paid to do.

girl,bikini:5

What is the thinnest book in the world?

“What men know about women.”

What do you call a womanwho works as hard as a man?

Lazy.

policeman,shield

What not to say to the nice policeman:

I can’t reach my licenseunless you hold my beer.

What is the differencebetween a sofa and a manwatching Monday Night Football?

The sofa doesn’t keep asking for beer.

Grown Up

When was the first time you really felt like a grown up (if ever)?

I felt totally foot-loose and fancy-free until the birth of my first child. With his birth, I understood I was totally responsible for his life. I realized his needs came before everything else. I felt like I became a totally different person.

Lynn and Lou Part 8 Kidnapping and Stormy Nights

Little Connie went to sleep in her high chair, her head drooping on to her high chair tray. Mother wiped her up the best she could. Connie didn’t stir till Mother tried to take the chicken bone she was clutching in her greasy fit. She almost woke as she struggled to hang on to it. Mother gave up and carried Connie to her crib to dress for bed. In a few minutes, she was back. Lynn had lain the baby on a blanket on the floor. For once, she wasn’t crying. Mother sat down and picked up her fork.

“I’m ready for dessert.” Lynn’s daddy said.”You eat. Lynn can get it.”

Mother looked upset. “I didn’t get time to make one. It was a tough day with the babies.”

“Well, you had Lynn here to help. Couldn’t one of y’all have made a cake? My mama or sisters made a cake everyday.” He was interrupted by the dogs barking. “Let me see who that is.” He scooted his chair back and walked outside. Billy followed him, banging the door.

Startled, the baby wailed. “Doggone it. I thought I might get to eat. Lynn, leave my plate covered with a napkin when you clear the table.” Mother picked up the baby to give her a bottle and sat in the rocker. She looked exhausted.

Lynn showed Lou how to scrape the plates into a bucket of scraps. She ran a pan of dishwater and put the dishes on to soak while she cleared and wiped the table. There was nothing left except a couple of pieces of cornbread and a little gravy which went in the scrap bucket. The dos would get these later.

Before they could start the dishes, Lynn’s daddy came back in with a man wearing a badge. He called the girls. “Girls, this is Sheriff Mason. He wants to talk to you.” Daddy looked worried. “This is my daughter Lynn and the friend she met today, Lou.”

“Young ladies.” Sheriff Mason said seriously. “The mailman stopped by my office when he finished his route telling me a strange story. He said a girl showed up here claiming her Grandma had been kidnapped today and maybe killed. Lou, Do you know anything about that?”

Lou started to cry. “No. I don’t say anything about her being kidnapped or killed. I just said she disappeared during the storm. I don’t know what happened. I just want to find her. I want to go home.”

“Sure, you do.” Sheriff Mason said. “Tell me what happened so we can get you home. How did you get way out here. Start at the beginning.”

Lou sniffed and wiped her nose on the handkerchief Daddy handed her. “Grandma and I were out riding when a big storm started. We got under a tree when lightning flashed and jolted us. It was terrible. When I looked for Grandma, she was gone. She just disappeared!” Then Lynn fell out of a tree onto me. That’s all. “

“You didn’t see or hear anything else?”

“No. The lightning flashed and Grandma disappeared.” Lou insisted.

“You know that’s a strange story. You aren’t playing with me are you? I need to ask you a few questions. What’s your name and age?”

“Everybody calls me Lou but my name is Eloise Daly and I’m nine years old.” she answered.

“What’s your address?” Sheriff Mason asked.

“3412 Crawford Road, Houston, Texas. My mother’s phone number is 724-678-5367. She’ll come get me if you call her.” offered Lou.

“If you live in Houston, Texas, you couldn’t have ridden here on a bike.” the sheriff said.

“I wasn’t on a bike. I was on a scooter. Grandma rode a bike but we didn’t get far from home before she got tired and wanted to take a break. I doubt we rode more than ten minutes.” Lou explained.

“Wait a minute. You’re telling me you rode here from Houston in ten minutes? You and an old lady? That makes no sense. Houston is more than two hundred miles away. We are in Bossier Parish , Louisiana.What really happened? Did you run away from home? Did your folks dump you off. Is this a big joke, because if it is, you’re in big trouble starting a story about your Grandma getting kidnapped and maybe killed. This ain’t funny! It ain’t funny at all! I got a mind to haul you in till your grandma turns up.” The sheriff was mad.

Lynn’s daddy spoke up.”Look Sheriff Mason. I just got in. I don’t know any more than you do. Can we let this rest for now? Maybe you can call her mother and find out what’s going on. She’ll be okay here. We’ll look after her till you do some checking”

The sheriff thought about it. “Well, if you want to put up with her, go ahead. I ain’t got nowhere to put her tonight no how.”

To be continued:

Penguin jokes

What do penguins sing at their birthday parties?

Freeze a jolly good fellow.

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How does a penguin build its house?

Igloos it together.

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Where does a penguin keep all his money?

In the snow bank.

 

The other day a police officer pulls over a man driving a bus over and walks on up to the side windows and he sees 20 penguins in there.

The officer questions the man “sir, are these your penguins?”

The man replies “yep, they are my pet penguins”

The officer then says “sir, I am going to need you to take those penguins to the zoo immediately!”

The man says “ok” to the officer and he drives off towards the zoo.

The following day the officer pulls over the same bus and is shocked to see the same 20 penguins inside all wearing sunglasses.

The officer looks sternly at the driver and says “I thought I ordered you to take these penguins to the zoo?”

The man replies “I did, and today we are all going to the beach!”

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A local bartender was working late one friday night when a patron comes running through the door.

Patron: “HELP! I need to know how tall a penguin is!”

The bartender puts out his hand and says “probably this tall”

The patron looks terribly concerned and he says “Oh no! I think I just ran over a nun!” 

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A penguin walks into a chemist and requests to purchase a pack of condoms. 

The chemist asks him “Would you like me to put that on your bill?”

The penguin replies “I’m not that kind of penguin”

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What is black and white and goes around and around?

A penguin who is stuck in a revolving door.

 

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What is a penguins favourite food to have for dinner?

Iceburgers.

 

 

 

What do Penguins like to wear on the heads?

Ice caps.

 

 

 

Why do penguins always come first when they race other animals?

Because they are peng-wins!

 

 

 

Why is it so hard to write a book on penguins?

Because they always squirm, are kind of slippery and writing a book on paper is much easier.

 

 

 

Why is it best for 2 penguins who are stuck in a nest to always be nice and respectful to one another?

They don’t want to fall out.

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Who is every penguin’s favourite musical artists?

Seal. They also enjoy sole music.

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Million Dollar Gift

If you had a million dollars to give away, who would you give it to?

If I had a million dollars to give away. I would probably give it to St. Jude. They do so much good and save so many lives. I am grateful for all they do.