humor

Prayers for Charley

Mother was a forty-year member of her Sunday School Class. She’d grown close to her class members and could be counted on to be in attendance. One Sunday as they made their prayer list, Mother asked for prayers for her four-year-old grandson , Charley, because he’d gotten his foot stuck in a cash register. That broke the composure of the class. Once they stopped laughing, she explained. He was playing with a discarded cash register from his other grandmother’s restaurant when he jammed his chubby little foot in one of the cash slots. His howls brought everyone running to extricate him.

Lazy

My house is messy. I can see the sun shining on dog hair in a couple of spots. It’s not pretty. There are two throw pillows on the floor by Bud’s chair. A plant has dropped a couple of leaves in the garden room. The plants are crying to be fed and watered. The glass table top is smeared.

Then there’s the kitchen table covered with mail. Croc has slopped water and food on the floor. I need to either mop or planr a garden. Something cooked over on the stove. The countertops and sink need scrubbing.

I’ve been devoting myself to whining and haven’t even made the bed yet. I think I might just make my side, so I don’t mess up my lazy streak. It’s such a mess I’m almost proud.

Worst of all, I won’t be able to get any help out of Bud. He’s working on his jeep. If anyone feels like cleaning house, come on over. I’ll make coffee and teacakes. We’ll have a good visit.

Oh well. I’d better get started.

Friendly

What’s the trait you value most about yourself?

I enjoy people. I am open and friendly. I can’t help talking to anyone who catches my interest: oldies, babies, dogs. Sometimes I talk to flowers. “Oh, you pretty thing!” I make a point not to talk to traffic. Bud takes care of that!

Of course I talk to myself. “I’ve got to clean this refrigerator today!” I even talk in my sleep.

Good Jobs

List three jobs you’d consider pursuing if money didn’t matter.

If money didn’t matter, I think I might consider being a nanny, assuming I found a compatible family. I enjoyed raising my children and miss their company.

Working in a garden center seems like it would be an excellent choice. I love being with plants and people who love gardening.

Another delightful choice would be catering. I love to cook and bake.

Joke of the Day/Tips for Moving South

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1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

2. If you forget a Southerner’s name, refer to him (or her) as “Bubba”. You have a 75% chance of being right.

3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

5. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

6. Do not buy food at the movie store.

7. If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.

8. Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.

9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.

10. Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”

11. People walk slower here.

12. Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.

13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “Big ol'”, as in “big ol’ truck” or “big ol’ boy”. Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

15. Be advised: The “He needed killin'” defense is valid here.

16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car’s windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you’re supposed to do.

22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

24. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

25. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, “All Glory, Laud and Honor”. You will also hear expressions such as, “Laud, Have mercy”, “Good Laud”, and “Laudy, Laudy, Laudy”.

26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

27. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, and where buildings used to stand, you’re better off trying to find it yourself.

Easter Dress Disasters: A Childhood Memoir

This is me at three. Mother had made this confection of dress for Easter. There is no telling how long she labored over its puffed sleeves and tedious lace-edged scalloped overskirt. I thought the dress was okay but was disappointed Mother made me wear sandals instead of my red Roy Rogers cowboy boots. Mother took this photo with an old-fashioned Brownie camera. I was very impatient at being posed and having to stare into the sun. Sadly, this darling dress was totally wasted on me. It didn’t survive a birthday party when I came near falling in a pigpen. I’m sure these things happen to all girls!

Art by Kathleen Swain

That wasn’t my last Easter wardrobe failure. The very next Easter, Mother got a letter. Grandma was sending us Easter outfits and hats.I still had cowboys on my mind, envisioning a cowboy outfit including a red cowboy hat, boots, and cap pistols and holster. Overwrought with joy when the promised box came, I was devastated when Mother pulled out a fancy dress and straw Easter hat with fake flowers for me. Had “Damn!” been in my vocabulary at the time, I’d have gotten my fanny paddled! Mother made me and Phyllis don the damnable dresses and hats. Again, that Brownie camera came out. While Mother fumbled interminably with the Brownie, our old horse Champ strolled up to the fence and took a bite out of my straw hat bring that Easter fiasco to an abrupt end.

Despite my earlier disappointment over the hat, I wailed like a banshee. Kids!

Funniest for You

imageimageimageimageimageimageimageStopping to ask directions at a house at dinnertime, I was invited in to eat with the family. When I asked what they were having, I was told southern fried possum.
I suddenly remembered that I wasn’t hungry, but replied that I had always heard opossum tasted just like chicken.
The cook told me it should because it ate 13 of her chickens before ending up in the frying pan.

~~~~~

Sign seen on a Taxidermist’s window: “We really know our stuff.”

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Seen on a T-Shirt:
Moosehead
A great beer and a new experience for a moose
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The Old Man and The Beaver

A 110-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he’s feeling.
“I’ve never felt better,” he replies. I’ve got an eighteen-year-old bride who’s pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?”
The doctor thinks for a moment and says, “Let me tell you a story. I know a guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a season but one day he’s in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, he’s walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises his umbrella, points it at the beaver, squeezes the handle, and BAM! the beaver drops dead in front of him.”
That’s impossible,” said the old man in disbelief, “someone else must have shot that beaver!”
“Exactly”, said the doctor.

~~~~~

Mumba Snake

A guy was visiting his friend in the hospital who was “all torn up.” “What happened?” he asked.
“Well, we were hunting the Mumba snake. It has yellow and black stripes. It likes to sun itself lying across a pathway in the jungle. You catch it by grabbing the tip of its tail with one hand and quickly running your other hand up the length of its body so you can grab it behind the neck.”
“Go on,” the friend said.
“Well, I sneaked up to the tail laying across the jungle path, grabbed it by the end, and rapidly moved my other hand upward … just as the procedure goes.”
“So why are you so beaten up?” the friend asked.
“Did you ever *goose* a tiger?”

~~~~~

Top five signs you’ve hired the wrong hunting guide:

5. Your guide blows into big sea shell horn to attract game and a bunch of Vikings show up instead.
4. Your guide is completely outfitted with “Barney” camping equipment.
3. As you close in on a deer, your guide whispers in an Elmer Fudd voice, “Be vehhwey vehhwey quiet.”
2. He calls trees by their first names.
And the number one sign you’ve hired the wrong hunting guide:
1. He is prone to scream, “Run, Bambi, RUN!”

~~~~~

Anyone who is mistaken for a moose and shot, is probably better off anyway.t

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Did you hear about the guy who went elephant hunting and ended up in the hospital?
He got a hernia carrying the decoys.

~~~~~

What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer Nuts are around a dollar seventy-nine, and deer nuts are just under a buck!

~~~~~

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A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
“Where’s Henry?”
“Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail.”
“You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!”
“A tough call,” nodded the hunter, “but I figured no one is going to steal Henry.”

~~~~~

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.
When he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, “I thought I told you to be quiet!”
Jerry says, “Hey, I tried. I really tried!! When those snakes crawled over me, I didn’t make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn’t make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said – ‘Should we take them with us or eat them here?’, I couldn’t keep quiet any more!”

~~~~~

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “OK, lets get out and get him.”
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?”
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?”
The guy in the front says, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.

Heritage

What aspects of your cultural heritage are you most proud of or interested in?

I love being part of a family that cherishes our oral history. We all have stories we’ve heard many times and want to hear or tell once more. It’s common to ask for our special favorites. I feel like I know many relatives who died long before I was born. The little guys coming along love the stories. , too

Check out my book on Amazon to read more about my family.

Linda Swain Bethea and 1 more 

Everything Smells Just Like Poke Salad: Black and White 

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Memories of a Girl Lost Too Soon

The city had crept on the gracious old house making it out of place among the bustling businesses. One blistering afternoon the streets were cordoned off and the neighborhood nearly impassable. The parking lot at the funeral home was packed. Crowds of people in black pressed up to the doors unable to gain entry. Speakers broadcast sad church music. Even to a young child it was obvious this was a sad occasion.

Mother and Grandma had us play quietly indoors rather than our usual romping on the large porch. My questions about the goings on across the street were brushed off. Mother and Grandma settled at the dining table for afternoon coffee after Barbie and Billy had been put down for a nap. Determined to learn what was going on, I stretched out on the cool hardwood floors near enough to follow the conversation. With my back to the dining table, I hummed as I pretended play, then feigned sleep.

Soon enough, the low talk turned to the events across the street. It turns out, the funeral was for a sixteen-year-old girl. Her boyfriend had stabbed and mutilated her when she attempted to break off with him. In my desperation to learn more, I forgot my stealthy plan to eavesdrop quietly. I sat up and and barraged the coffee drinkers with excited questions. A scolding broke the conversation up and I learned no more.

I’ve recalled that conversation and wondered about that poor girl many times over the years. I was young enough at the time that she was no more real to me than a television program. More than sixty years later, I am thinking of that girl who will be forever sixteen.