humor

Tea Cakes

What’s your favorite recipe?

My grandmother and Mother made these. I made them for my children. My daughter makes these. Who knows how far back this recipe goes?

Tea Cakes

preheat oven to 340(not 350)

3 cups self-rising flour(if using plain add 1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder and a pinch of salt per cup flour)

2 cups sugar

8 oz softened butter

1 egg

1 tsp vanilla

Just enough milk to make very firm dough

Cream sugar, butter, egg, vanilla. Mix in flour a cup at a time. May have to add milk to complete mixing to consistency of playdo. Reserve a bit of flour to dust top of dough and hands. Roll into 1 inch balls. Place on greased cookie sheet with cookies not touching. Bake on middle rack about 12 minutes. Then take pans out and turn around to bake evenly. Cook another 7 minutes just until edges start to brown. Tops will still be soft. If you overcook, they get hard. We love them soft. Cool on a rack. You can roll and freeze to prepare ahead.

If desired, press center down and add a dollop of jam or center with chocolate kiss before baking.

I hope your family loves these as much as mine does.

Photo borrowed from All recipes

I’m Excited!

Tell us about the last thing you got excited about.

I get excited every year when I visit my oldest and dearest friend in Virginia. We worked together for many years and had the kind of relationship that never wavered. She had my back just as I had hers. All these years later, if I really need comfort, she’s the one I call. My heart lifts when her name pops up on my phone. That time is coming again! I am planning my fall trip!

“My Mama Said!”

One of the most terrifying phrases to come out of the mouth of a a child is. “My mama/daddy said.”

A mom told her kindergartner, “I didn’t put a lunch in your backpack. You are going to be picked up before lunch.”

When the little guy got to school, he told his teacher,”I don’t have a lunch. I can’t eat at school.”

Four-year-old Hayley listened in on Mom and Grandma. Grandma realized she was in the middle of a story she didn’t want getting out. “Hayley, I don’t want you to repeat anything you hear us say.”

Reassuring Grandma she understood discretion, Hayley replied. “Don’t worry Grandma . Mama talks about you all the time and I don’t tell you!”

From a three-year old boy learning to potty from his dad. “Cool penis dad!”


The same boy exiting the bathroom:  “There’s a lot of turds in there!”


My three-year-old son advising his father:  Don’t let Baby Sister in the bathroom with you.  She’ll pull your penis.  Ain’t she rude!”


The same boy to an older deaf neighbor:  “YOU CAN’T HEAR THUNDER!”  Of course he’d heard this from his father.


From my daughter standing behind a portly lady in line at the grocery story.  I gave her a look and shushed her when she tried to comment.  The lady turned to walk away and my little one chimed out,  “I sure was nice not to call her a big, old, fat lady, wasn’t I, Mommy?


My niece:  “Boogers taste like pickles.”  I told my daughter and my little grandson spoke to himself, “I like that girl.”


I told my first grade teacher, “My mama said she wouldn’t take a sick dog to Dr. Jones.  She bristled, “I’ll have you know my father is a very good doctor!”  I couldn’t wait to get home to tell Mother.
 

Jokes

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one women, “Why are you eating grass?” “We don’t have any money for food,” the poor women replied. “We have to eat grass.” “Well then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said. “But sir, I have a husband and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.” “Bring them along,” the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor women he stated, “You come with us also.” The second women, in a pitiful voice then said, “But sir, I also have a husband and SIX children with me!” “Bring them all, as well,” the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.” The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!”

A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, “Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you.”

The boy looks over and responds, “My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five”.

The man replies, “And he ate that much chocolate?”

“No” says the boy, “But he minded his own business.”

An American, an Englishman and a Scotsman are eating breakfast with their wives

The American says to his wife: “Please pass me the honey, honey”

Then the Englishman requests: “Please pass me the sugar, sugar,” to his wife.

The Scotsman thinks for a second, then bickers “Pass me tha’ milk, ya cow!”

A co-worker is in the hospital after eating a giant bacon cheeseburger.

It was mine.

Two cannibals were eating and the first one says: Your sister makes a delicious soup. The second one says:

True, but now I miss her.

A man is on trial for killing and eating a spotted owl.

He tells the judge, “I’m sorry it was endangered, but I had been lost in the woods for five days and I was starving.” The judge deliberates a while and dismisses the case. Before the man leaves the judge whispers, “Between you and me, how did it taste?” The man replies, “It was sort of like a cross between a bald eagle and a harp seal.”

Design a City?

How would you design the city of the future?

Ha! Ha! This prompt is so far outside the realm of possibility I can’t even craft a response.

Stupid Camping Jokes

1. DON’T BE ALARMED
Q: Did you hear about the kid napping in the woods?

A: It’s okay. He woke up.

2. THANKS PASTOR
A deer hunter asked his Pastor if it was a sin to hunt on Sunday. “From what I hear about your aim,” said the Pastor, “It’s a sin for you to hunt any time.”

3. TENT VS TOAD
Q: Can a frog jump higher than an average tent?

A: Of course, an average tent can’t jump!

4. NEXT TIME SEND A SMOKE SIGNAL
Two new deer hunters decided to separate to increases their chances. “What if we get lost?” says one of them. “Fire three time up in the air, every hour on the hour” says the other. “I saw it on TV.” Sure enough, one of the hunters gets lost, so he fires three times up into the air every hour on the hour.

The next day the other hunter finds his friend with the help of the Forest Ranger. “Why didn’t you do what I said?” asked the hunter. “I did! I fired three times up into the air every hour on the hour, until I ran out of arrows.”

5. DOUBLE ENTENDRE
Clean Camping JokesQ: What’s another name for a sleeping bag?

A: A nap sack

6. NATURES COLORS
Q. What is the color of the wind?

A. Blew.

7. I’LL HAVE A NUMBER 2
Q: What do bears call campers in sleeping bags?

A: Soft Tacos

8. IT’S SIMPLE MATH
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 tents and another 2 tents and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two tents, and another two tents and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two tents, and another two tents and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already own a tent!”

9. NEW FRIENDSHIPS
A spider was in my tent and my girlfriend told me to take it out instead of squashing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

Related: Best Backpacking Sleeping Bag Under 100 Dollars

10. AN EGGCELLENT TIME OF YEAR
Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love camping autumn?

A: Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.Funny Camping Jokes clean

11. AWE SHUCKS
Q: Why did the fish blush?
A: Because it saw the lakes’s bottom.

12. AMEN
Two guys are walking through a national park & they come across a bear that has not eaten for days.

The bear sees the two men, and starts chasing them.

They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, “Please turn this bear into a Christian, Lord.”

He looks to see if the bear is still chasing and he sees the bear on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the bear.

As he comes closer to the bear, he hears the it saying a prayer: “Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive.”

13. DIY HEATER
If you ever get cold while camping, just stand in the corner of a tent for a while. They’re normally around 90 degrees.

14. A BIT ONE SIDED
Did you hear about the camper who broke his left leg and left arm? He’s all right now.

15. BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME
Two deer hunters hired a pilot to take them way back into the forest. After the hunt, the pilot returned and saw that they had six deer.

“The plane won’t carry six deer, you’ll have to leave two of them,” said the pilot.

Unwilling to leave their deer, the hunters said “We got six on the plane last year.”

After going back and forth for a few minutes, the pilot gave in, and just five minutes after takeoff the plane crashed into the forest.

Lucky to be alive, one of the hunters said, “Any idea where we are?”

The second hunter said, “Yeah, right about where our plane went down last year.”

camping jokes clean 16. PACKING LIGHT
Q: If you have 5 tents in one hand and 3 sleeping bags in the other, what do you have?

A: Big hands.

17. A HIKERS EGO
How many hikers does it take to hike Mount Everest? 50: 3 to die trying, 1 to actually pull it off, and 46 other to say, “man, I could do that!”

18. ANTICLIMACTIC
Bob: “Holy crap, I just fell off a 50 ft deer stand.”

Jim: “Oh my God, are you okay?”

Bob: “Yeah it’s a good thing I fell off the first step.”

19. SNIFF SNIFF
Q: What do you call a camper without a nose or a body?

A: Nobodynose.

20. MAYBE WE SHOULD CALL SOMEONE ELSE
A man walks out of his tent one day and sees a fox in the tree in front of his campsite. Unsure of what to do, he calls animal control. About an hour later a man shows up with a ladder, a pit bull, and a taser.

The animal control employee tells the man, “I’m here to get the fox out of your tree. I’m going to use this ladder to climb up the tree and shake the branch the fox is on to knock him to the ground. The pit bull is trained to attack anything that falls from the tree.”

The man says “Okay, I see what the ladder and the pit bull are for but what is the taser for?”

The animal control employee says, “Oh, that’s for you. In case I fall out of the tree instead of the fox, shoot the dog.”

Related: Best Hammock Underquilt 

21. NEXT TIME JUST SAY HEY
Q: How do you make a one armed man fall out of a tree?

A: Wave.

22. THANKS FOR THE SUGGESTION
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, “Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo.”

The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman.

The policeman said, “Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!” The boy answered, “I did! Today I’m taking him to the movies.”

23. GON’ FISHING
Q: What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?

A: Swimming trunks.

24. PRECIPITATION
Q. What do clouds do when they become rich?

A. They make it rain!

25. SHOULDA STUCK TO THE BOOK
A child goes to his father and asks, “Father, how do parents think of names for their children?” The father answers, “Well, son, the night before the mother gives birth, the father goes into the woods and camps for the night.

When he wakes the following morning, the first thing he sees is what he names his child, which is why your sister is named Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask, Bear Poop?”

26. GOOD SIGNALcampfire jokes
Q: How do trees access the internet?

A: They log in.

27. A HARSH REALITY
One time an adventurer paddling on a northern river got cold and lit a fire in his boat, only to discover that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

28. NOT YOUR AVERAGE BEAR
Q. what do you call a bear with no teeth

A. A gummy bear

29. THE RELIGIOUS SKUNKS
Two skunks observed a deer hunter sneaking through the woods with a bow. “I hope he’s not going to get at us,” said one skunk. The second skunk bowed his head and said, “Let us spray.”

30. BAIT AND SWITCH
Q: How do you catch a squirrel?

A: Climb a tree and act like a nut.

31. HIDE THE PICNIC BASKET
Yo mama so fat the bears have to hide their food from her when she goes camping.

32. ROUGHING IT
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Watson pondered for a minute. “Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”

Holmes was silent for a minute as he looked around, then spoke. “It tells me that someone has stolen our tent.”

Crow’s Mischief at Little Missouri River: A Fly-Fishing Tale

Bud loves fly-fishing. We camped at Dynamite Hill Campground near the Little Missouri River in Arkansas. Before daylight, I had coffee, sausage, biscuits, and eggs on our picnic table, under the tall pines. We enjoyed breakfast as the sun came up over the hills. Since it was a brisk morning and we weren’t concerned about spoilage, we wrapped our leftover sausage biscuits in foil and left them on the picnic table for the second breakfast we anticipated when Bud came back from his morning’s fishing. I took the opportunity to snuggle back under the covers with the dogs.

As I snoozed off and on through the morning, I noticed the birds were noisier than those at home. Near ten, I put on another pot of coffee, expecting Bud to show up soon.

I heard Bud shouting before I saw him. “Get out of here, you dirty little 4$.(@/s.” Mumble, rhrrrr, grumble!” I saw a rock fly skyward, then another, as I stepped out with a cup of hot coffee. The picnic table was littered with tattered scraps of napkins. Not a sausage biscuit remained! The jam was overturned. Had they only had opposable thumbs, I’m sure they’d have emptied the jar. As I glanced skyward. I saw the sun shining on bits of foil decorating the lower branches. A further inspection revealed that the observant crows had taken every sausage biscuit. Only a few crumbs lay neglected. Had Bud only been a few minutes later, they’d have been history, too. The crows didn’t seem a bit grateful, offering only raucous complaints at Bud’s fist-shaking, rock-throwing deprecations.

Clothilde

Where did your name come from?

Linda was the second most common girl’s name in 1950, bested only by Mary. Every classroom was populated with Lindas and its rhyming cousins, Glenda and Brenda. I wasn’t ashamed to be Linda.

I when I got older and learned I’d been threatened with the horrific name, Clothilde, I was grateful to be just plain old Linda. I was one of four girls. Each time a daughter was born, Daddy offered up his favorite girl name, Clothilde. It seems that when he was a starving child growing up in the depths of The Great Depression, his family had share-cropped on the farm of Mr. Ward. Daddy forever remembered his daughter, the beauteous Clothilde, hence, his love of that name.

No matter what my mother ever did or will do to me, I will be forever grateful she didn’t let Daddy saddle me with the name Clothilde!

First Grade School Picture

Jokes

Daily Joke: A man and an ostrich walked into a restaurant

Rachael Rosel

Oct 26, 2020

“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich. Source: Getty.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

The man says: “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”

“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $6.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says: “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke.”

And the ostrich says: “I’ll have the same.”

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

“The usual?” asks the waitress. “No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,” says the man.

“Same for me,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, “That will be $12.62.”

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer: “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

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“That’s brilliant!”says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks: “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighs, pauses, and answers: “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

A young woman went to the doctor

A young woman said to her doctor: “You have to help me, I hurt all over.”

“What do you mean?” said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled: “Ow, that hurts!”

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled: “Ouch! That hurts, too.” Then she touched her right earlobe. “Ow, even that hurts!”

The doctor took a second to examine the woman before standing back and making his decision.

“Ah yes, I know what it is,” he said. “You have a sprained finger.”

Two elderly women were driving in their car

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself: “I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said: “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!”

Mildred turned to her and said: “Oh, am I driving?”