A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident….
The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.
The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer himup. While at the bar, he’s still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.
“No, she’ll never go for a man with a wooden eye,” the man says.
“Okay, how about that girl over there?” His friend responds. “She has a really big nose”.
The man walks over to the girl and asks, “Would you like to dance?”
Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses “Would, I?! Would I?!”
To which the man quickly responds “Big nose! Big nose!”
A woman is pregnant with twins when she gets into a car accident…
…she wakes up in the hospital and the doctor says her twins have already been delivered, a boy and a girl. But since she wasn’t around to name them, they had to ask her brother to give them legal names.
The woman was worried, because her brother was a bit of an idiot. “What did he name them?” she asked.
“He named the girl Denise,” the doctor said.
“Oh, that’s a nice name,” she said in relief. “What did he name the boy?”
“Denephew.”
A man and his wife die in a car accident
The man is greeted by Death. “Choose your game”, says Death, “win and you will get a second chance at life, lose and you will die”.
As an avid poker player, its an easy choice for the man.
As they begin, the man loses the first few hands.
As the next hand is drawn, the man is starting to feel nervous. He notices deaths scythe propped against the wall and as death lifts his cards to look, he can see their full reflection in the scythe.
He starts winning, hand by hand, folding some, winning others, losing a few in between so death doesn’t cotton on to his method.
Slowly, but surely, he’s got death by the balls, a couple more hands and he’s won.
“You know, I don’t know how you’ve done it”, says Death, “but you’re actually going to beat me”.
Not this hand, thinks the man. He’s seen Death has a pair of Kings and he’s going to have to fold and wait for the next one.
“Good news from above too, seems like your wife has pulled through, she’s going to be alright.”
The man takes a moment, then says…
“All in”
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.
In court, the trucking company’s lawyer was questioning Clyde. “Didn’t you say, at the moment of the accident, ‘I’m fine.'” asked the lawyer?
Clyde responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the…”
“I did not ask you for any details”, the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?'”
Clyde said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road.”
The lawyer interrupted again and said “Judge, I’m trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde’s answer and said to the lawyer “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.”
Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded.
“Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, ‘how are you feeling?’
Now what the heck would you say?”
PHOTO: COURTESY SOPHIE KOHN / READER’S DIGEST CANADA
PHOTO: COURTESY OPHIRA CALOF / READER’S DIGEST CANADA
PHOTO: LEV RADIN/SHUTTERSTOCK.COM / READER’S DIGEST CANADA
PHOTO: KATHY HUTCHINS/SHUTTERSTOCK.COM / READER’S DIGEST CANADA
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