A Hog a Day Part 7

Mr. Grady Rose traded hogs and raised watermelons, a brilliant plan. During that period, Bossier Parish, Louisiana,  had open range laws.  That meant livestock was free to roam, decreasing the responsibility of the farmer and making driving after dark a challenge.  Motorists were responsible for damages, should they be careless enough to hit one.  Black livestock presented a real challenge at night since they were cloaked in invisibility.  Passengers, as well as the driver, watched for livestock.  The ever-present threat of livestock certainly cut down on speeding.  Contrary to what you might expect, accidents were rare.

The point of this story is that Mr. Grady was deeply involved in the hog business, a vocation that required a great deal of work, but little cash outlay.  With captive labor in his boys, it was an ideal career choice.  The hogs ran wild in the woods, feeding on acorns and other vegetation.   In the spring he baited catch pens in the woods with corn to catch his own marked sows and any unmarked sows with new litters.  Mr. Rose cut his mark in the piglet’s ears, castrated the males, and turned them loose to grow. Rounding up wild hogs was an exciting and dangerous business.  These feral beasts did not submit.  Cornered, they slashed at men and dogs. A few months after marking, the pens were baited again to catch the yearling pigs for slaughter or personal use, or take to market.  Uncastrated adult males, or boars were not good eating, due to their hormone load. Catching the hogs was dangerous business.  Adult males had sharp, curved tusks and fought fiercely, especially when penned up.  They’d also attack in the woods.
Hog hunting was considered fine sport by many. Hunters were likely to shimmy up a tree to escape an attacking boar.  One hunter in Mr. Rose’s party had lost a leg above the knee as an infant.  As agile as the rest, he was known to hop atop his crutch to escape an attacking hog.
I remember Daddy stitching up his lacerated dogs after a hunt, though he used a doctor’s services for his own cuts.

It was a grave offense to tamper with animals with another man’s mark.  Marks were well-known by other hog farmers in the community, so word was passed on to neighbors what part of the woods a man’s hogs had recently occupied, making it easier to track them.  Of course, one couldn’t expect to harvest all the hogs bearing his mark, but it was a good crop.  No man wanted word to get around that his mark was found on young pigs following a sow with another man’s mark.  Men have been shot for that!

Once captured, Mr. Rose penned hogs up at his farm to fatten.  That’s where the melons came in.  They were a cheap, abundant crop, easily harvested.  The hungry hogs gorged on the fat melons that burst when tossed in the pens.  It looked for all the world like a bloody battle as they squealed, grunted, and gobbled their way aggressively through the heap.  I never got enough of watching.

Mother usually bought melons from peddlers who drove through the neighborhood selling from the back of their truck.  One kid would flag while the others ran around like mad trying to find enough change to purchase a melon which commonly sold for a dollar, but if the peddler came at the end of the day and wanted to unload, we might get two for a dollar.  I never got satisfied on melon and would eat as close into the rind as possible, trying to get every sweet taste.  I was stunned to see Mr. Grady break a fine melon, pass the heart to an incredulous kid and toss the rest to the hogs. I’d never experienced such luxury.
I was bereft at being left at home when Daddy loaded his excited dogs to go hog-hunting.  I promised myself I’d go hog- hunting when I got grown.  So far, I haven’t remembered to do it.

Pig Joke

A guy’s driving down an old country road and he sees a farmer in his orchard feeding his pigs, but what he’s doing is he’s taking one pig at a time, holding him up, letting him eat an apple out of the tree, and then setting him down before picking up another pig and letting him eat an apple. So the guy pulls over and walks up to the farmer and he says, “Wouldn’t it save time to just knock all the apples on the ground and let the pigs eat them all at once?” And the farmer, confused, looks at him and says, “What’s time to a pig?” —DOUG STANHOPE

One day a man drove by a farm and saw a three-legged pig. The man went up to the farmer and said, “Excuse me, but why does that pig only have 3 legs?”

“Well,” said the farmer, “that pig is very special. One time my wife was cooking something she stepped out of the kitchen and it caught on fire. No one in the house knew about it but the pig, and he saved me, my wife, and my 2 kids.”

“That’s amazing!” said the man, but why does the pig only have three legs?”

“Well, there was that time the pig saw a big storm coming and we didn’t. The pig ran into the house and dragged us out to the storm cellar. If it weren’t for that pig we would all be dead.”

“But still, that doesn’t explain why the pig only has 3 legs.”

“And I remember the time my youngest son was stuck up a tree, but I was too far away to hear his cries for help. The pig ran to me and led me to where he was.”

“Well, that is a miracle, but how come that pig only has 3 legs?” the man said quite annoyed at this point.

“Well,” said the farmer, “with a pig that special… you don’t want to eat him all at once

Old People Joke

A 98 year old man and his 96 year old wife are sitting in a lawyer’s office glowering at each other.

“Why are you here?” the attorney asks.

“We want a divorce,” she says.  “We’ve hated each other for years,” her husband adds.

“Well, how long have you been married?” the attorney asks.

The wife replies, “Eighty years in June.”

“Well after eighty years of marriage why, at this late stage of the game, would you want a divorce?” the attorney asks.

The two exchange guilty glances and the husband responds, “We decided to wait until the children were dead.”

An elderly couple goes to their doctor for a checkup.

The man goes in first.

“How are you doing?” the doctor asks.

“Pretty good,” the old man answers.

“I’m eating well, and I’m still in control of my bowel and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good lord turns the light on for me.”

The doctor decides not to comment on the last statement and goes into the next room to check on the man’s wife.

“How are you feeling?” he asks.

“I’m doing well,” the old woman answers.

“I still have lots of energy and I’m not feeling any pain.”

“That’s nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well,” the doctor says.

“One thing though – your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he’s talking about?”

”Oh, damn.” She replied. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

Mr. and Mrs. Santa Claus

Bud and I were strolling along the sidewalk holding hands. From an open car window, I heard a woman laughing. “Y’all are a beautiful couple!”

”Thank you,” I replied.

“Mr. and Mrs. Santa Claus!” She laughed even harder.”What are y’all doing out running around?”

”It’s our day off,” I explained.

Spectacular Spectacles

What is the most important thing to carry with you all the time?

I am absolutely dependent on my glasses. They go on first thing every morning and come off last thing at night. I never walk further than the bathroom without them. Much to Hubby’s despair, I spare no expense, getting the more expensive ones that darken in the sun.

I keep an old pair of glasses at home and in my suitcase for backup. Several times I’ve needed them. At least twice my frames snapped and once my dog chewed them up when they fell off my nightstand during the night.

I am adding on a post I wrote years ago about an incident with broken glasses.

Half-Glassed

You don’t want to be me today.  I am visiting family in New Jersey and broke my glasses.  I am anxiously awaiting the vision center to open.  Is this a good look for me?

#1 

A perfect and punny name for a pet pig is Chris P Bacon.Report

#2

I read a story about pig anatomy. It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tail

#3

What’s the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.

#4 

What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.

#5 

What do you call a Spanish pig? Porque.

Billy Conolly Telling Story of Liam Neeson and the Cat

Alert: strong language

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Have you heard of the film constipated? No because it never came out.

Humour that’ll have everyone laughing out loud.

There are two reasons you shouldn’t drink from the toilet. Number 1 and Number 2.

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom

Why do people take naps on the toilet? Because it’s the rest room

Why didn’t the toilet paper make it across the road? It got stuck in the crack.

What does one toilet say to the other? You’re looking a little flushed.

Rascal Boy

Charley’s appearance was deceptive. A slow-speaking, stodgy little guy, you could have been forgiven for thinking him unobservant. He used this to his advantage, taking in everything around him.

When he was about three, he noticed his dad emptying his pockets one day after work. “What’s that, Daddy?”

Daddy worked for the telephone company and often had to go in yards to do work when customers weren’t home. “That’s dog repellent. I use it if a dog gets after me. Don’t mess with it.” Both went on their merry way.

It just happens, Charley had history with Granny’s mean little dog. Boochie snapped at Charley every time Charley got close. I expect, not without cause. The next time Charley went to Granny’s, Boochie came after Charley, who was armed and ready. Boochie was heard squealing and made a hasty retreat out the doggy door.

Stodgy little Charley trudged out behind him. In a minute, Boochie was heard squealing a couple of more times in rapid succession. That got dad up to investigate. It seems young Charley had appropriated Dad’s dog repellent and was putting it to good use. He had poor Boochie on the run. All’s well that ends well. Dad confiscated the dog repellent. Boochie never interacted with Charley again.