humor

Change in the World

What change, big or small, would you like your blog to make in the world?

We all crave inclusion. As I blog, I speak from the heart. Every heart needs understanding and encouragement. Initially, I wondered if the amusing, humorous, or poignant things I voiced would find a response in anyone. Perhaps my remarks were mere foolishness. My life has been so enriched by the conversations and connections I’ve made. I believe most people want friends and understanding. I hope others find a kindred spirit in me. We needn’t be similar, just accepting.

Alternate Universe

Describe your life in an alternate universe.

I’m there now. Every night as soon as I drift off, the dreaming starts. The first dream I recall from last night, I was being pursued by Vikings. They were slashing and hacking all about. It was a relief to wake up from that one right before they got me.

I recall having several other elusive dreams whose details escape me. Many times my dreams arre problem-solving, related to daytime issues. Those are easy to untangle. Quite often, my dreams are memory-based. I may have been thinking of my favorite cousin Sue.

From time to time, I dream of a deceased loved one. It feels like I’ve had a warm visit with them. I love those.

We all live in alternate universes, moving freely between them.

Quadruple Misery

I was so glad to wake up this morning from a quadruple misery dream. As I so often do, I was back at work in my old acute dialysis unit. Everything I touched turned to mud. About the time I realized I was working without a current nurses license, it occurred to me that all my teeth were falling out. I grabbed madly at them, trying to put them back in place. In the middle of this harrowing debacle, I realized I was shoving dirty teeth back in my mouth with unwashed hands, contaminating myself and everything around me. Putting my fallen teeth in my pocket, I went right back to work with filthy hands. I ducked my head every time I got near anyone, hoping not to reveal my toothless state. If that wasn’t enough, I felt a stab in my foot. To my horror, I realized I was working barefoot and had stepped on a needle. It was devastating.

I was so glad to wake up!

These 20 One-Liners Come Straight from the Doctors’ Notes

Blind Grasshopper / Flickr / CC BY-ND

  • Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
  • Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
  • On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
  • The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
  • Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
  • Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
  • While in ER, Eva was examined, x-rated and sent home.
  • Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
  • Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
  • The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
  • Mrs. Evans slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
  • Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Jones, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
  • The patient refused autopsy.
  • The patient has no previous history of suicides.
  • She is numb from her toes down.
  • She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
  • Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
  • Examination of genitalia has revealed that he is circus-sized.
  • Patient was found in bed with her power mower.
  • She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.

Most Expensive Meal

What’s the most money you’ve ever spent on a meal? Was it worth it?

The most we ever spent on a meal was fifty dollars a person for my dear daughter-in-law’s birthday. She wanted an evening out with us and another couple she loved. The food was good and the company was wonderful. I loved that she wanted to share her birthday with us. We are so lucky she loves us.

Help

I can’t find daily prompt!

JOKES

Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: “Meat!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
Student: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Student: “Homework!” 


My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face. 

Roses are red. 
Your blood is too. 
You look like a monkey 
And belong in a zoo. 
Do not worry, 
I’ll be there too. 
Not in the cage, 
But laughing at you

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.” 

Whenever your ex says, “You’ll never find someone like me,” the answer to that is, “That’s the point.” 

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!” The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday. 

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 

 

A lady comes home from her doctor’s appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?” The wife says, “The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old.” “Oh yeah?” quipped her husband, “What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?” She said, “Your name never came up in the conversation.” 

An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

Iced Tea

Iced tea was a treat reserved for Aunt Julie’s house. Mother felt the caffeine kicked us into high gear. However, dinner at Aunt Julie’s was a happy exception. While the adults sat at the table, us kids sat with our plates on the floor. Aunt Julie served us sweet, iced tea in large goblets. I have tasted better tea since. I could have skipped the meal and filled up on that rare treat, knowing I wouldn’t get it again before my next visit. I suppose Mother allowed it at Aunt Julie’s because Aunt Julie insisted. What a wonderful aunt! I still love her for that

White Chili

  • 4 oz butter
  • 2 sweet onions, chopped
  • 4 cloves garlic, minced
  • 6 boneless chicken breast halves chopped (I use boneless, skinless chicken thighs)
  • 1 or 2 (4 ounce) cans canned green chile peppers, chopped(green chilis optional depending on your taste)
  • 2 teaspoons ground cumin
  • 2 teaspoons dried oregano
  • 1 1/2 cup shredded Monterey Jack cheese

4 cloves crushed garlic

Chicken broth to cook beans(I use reconstituted salt caution) supplement with water as needed to cook beans.

Cook 1 cup dried Navy beans according to package directions in chicken broth instead of water.) Don’t salt until done. Broth may have enough salt)May use large can of Navy beans if you prefer

Saute onions and garlic in butter till clear. Add chopped chicken breasts. Stir in spices and 1 can green chilis if you’re a sissy like me, 2 if you like spicy. Simmer 10 minutes Mix into prepared beans. Simmer on low( bubbling around edges of pan till flavors blend well.

If you’re feeling wild, you can add cayenne or chopped jalapeños.

Before serving, stir in grated Monterey Jack Cheese. Salt and black pepper to taste.

Great with regular or Mexican Cornbread.

Can double recipe. It freezes well.

Best if made day ahead and you give spices time to get friendly.