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My Little Sister’s Jokes is happily maintained
 by the Community of Emmitsburg, MD. 

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Going On The Wagon

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife that I had a drinking problem, and to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. 

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. 

I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. 

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. 

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. 

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. 

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. 

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. 

I’m not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I’m not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don’t know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England 
 

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An angry wife was complaining about her husband…

…. spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him. “What’ll you have?” he asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. “Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!”

“Well, there you go,” cried the husband. “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England 
 

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A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. 

The man downed it with one swallow, put a five dollar bill on the bar, and turned and rushed out of the bar. 

The bartender picked up the five dollar bill, and folded it carefully and tucked it in his vest pocket. 

Just at that moment he looked up at the boss standing in the doorway staring at him. 

Doing a bit of fast thinking he said, “Hi boss, did you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five dollar tip, and rushed out without paying.” 

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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A drunk walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink…

…, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.” 

So, the bartender does just that, and hands the man the bill. The drunk says, “I haven’t got it.” The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. 

The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, “Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.” The bartender figures that he can’t possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt. He pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk the bill. 

Again, the drunk says, “I haven’t got it.” The bartender can’t believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, and then throws him out into the street. 

The next day, the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, “Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give me the bill.” 

In disgust, the bartender says, “What, no drink for me this time?” The drunk replies, “Nope! You get too violent when you drink.” 

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. 

He goes up to the guy’s window and says “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.” 

The man says, “Sorry officer I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.” 

“Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.” 

“I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.” 

“Well, then we need a urine sample.” 

“I’m sorry officer I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I’ll get really low blood sugar.” 

“Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.” 

“I can’t do that, officer.” 

“Why not?”

“Because I’m too drunk to do that.”

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England 
 

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12 Most common beer myths exploded

Myth #1: The Guinness served in Ireland is different to the rest of the world

Actually, the Guinness served in Ireland is most likely the same as that served in Boston or Berlin. However, many people will attest that Guinness simply tastes better in Ireland, which is why the myth spread. There’s a certain amount of sentimentality in this myth, but when you dig into it, most of the reasoning is pretty circumstantial.

There are a few reasons why it may taste better in Ireland – most likely freshness and rapid keg turnover (a pub in Dublin will serve the freshest Guinness in the world) – but the actual product is not any different to the black stuff served around the world. Also, a Guinness drinker in Ireland is guaranteed to have their drink poured correctly in Ireland than in some parts of the world, which will have an impact on the quality of the experience. 

Myth #2: Lite beers will help you lose weight

On average, a lite beer will have 90-100 calories, while a regular beer might have under 200. In the grand scheme of things, lite beers will contribute very little to your dietary goals, and considering their typical lack of taste, you’d be better off drinking one or two regular beers. 

Myth #3: Dark beers are stronger in alcohol

The color of beer has no relation to its alcohol content. For example, Guinness, one of the most popular dark beers has an alcohol volume of 4.2%, while several light-colored Belgian beers have alcohol content of 8%+. 

Myth #4: Corona beer contains urine

This was a nasty rumor claiming that Mexican brewery workers were relieving themselves into the beer. Allegedly, the rumor was spread by a Heineken distributor and was only refuted following a lawsuit by Corona. 

Myth #5: Imported beers are stronger than American beers

Traditionally, American beers measure their alcohol content by weight, while many other countries (across Europe and in Canada) measure by volume. The alcohol by weight figure will always appear lower than the alcohol by volume – for example, 4% ABW = 5% ABV, hence the myth creation. 

Myth #6: Beer should be served ice-cold for best flavor

This is an unfortunate myth perpetuated by the major commercial breweries – especially for their lite beers. The fact is, flavor typically diminishes when beer is served ice-cold. It may make for a thirst-quenching, refreshing beverage, but often bears little resemblance to traditional beer. Several beers are, in fact, best served much closer to room temperature or slightly cool and are considered undrinkable when icy cold – such as Guinness and many of the traditional English ales. 

Myth #7: The best beers have green bottles

Another myth that circulated imported beers. Brown glass is the best color to protect beer from light, which is why most beers are bottled with it. A shortage of brown glass in Europe during the last century led to many breweries using green glass to bottle their beer – therefore, green bottles represented imported beer for many years and people incorrectly assumed the color indicated a better beer. 

Myth #8: “Beer before liquor, never sicker – liquor before beer, in the clear”

This is common drinking advice shared but not scientifically true. In reality, alcohol is alcohol, and the overall quantity you imbibe will determine your resulting (in)sobriety or hangover. Drinking beer before drinking hard liquor may prolong the onset of inebriation. However, it won’t ultimately matter whether you drink beer first or last; it’s the quantity of alcohol that does the damage. 

Myth #9: You can’t get a hangover from drinking organic beer

If only being eco-friendly was this rewarding! This myth is based on the idea that organic beer is cleaner or purer than other beer, but there’s no existing proof that it manages to avoid giving hangovers when consumed in sufficient quantities. 

Myth #10: Beer will raise your cholesterol levels

Beer actually contains no fat and no cholesterol! Perhaps this is one reason that Guinness was originally advertised as good for your health. 

Myth #11: A good beer must be high in alcohol

Many people unfairly associate low alcohol with low flavor. There are plenty of poor quality beers that are high in alcohol content, and the opposite is also true. Some of the famous Belgian and German beers have traditionally high average alcohol content – perhaps 8% or 10%. However, the alcohol content is only one feature and doesn’t necessarily account for the good taste. In England, many of the best mild ales have alcohol content of 4% or less – resulting from a higher tax on stronger beer. Of course, the advantage is finding good-tasting, lower alcohol beers is that you can drink more of it! 

Myth #12: Beer kills brain cells

Possibly the most damning of all beer myths, and we’re happy to explode this for you. An Australian study has determined that beer is not responsible for killing brain cells as was once thought

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England (and the English know their beer!)
 

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Reasons To Like Beer by 7 Year Olds 

A handful of 7 year old children were asked, ‘what they thought of beer.’ Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching. 

• Tim- ‘I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.’ 
• Melanie – ‘Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want On television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. 
• Grady – ‘My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn’t think this is very funny.’ 
• Toby – ‘My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and The more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.’ 
• Sarah – ‘My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn’t have too much. 
• Lilly – ‘My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.’ 
• Ethan – ‘I don’t like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.’ 
• Shirley – ‘I give Dad’s beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.’ 

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY
 

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There’s a big conference of beer producers. 

At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all the beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. 

The president of ‘Budweiser’ orders a Bud, the president of ‘Miller’ orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. 

Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody’s amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke! 

“Why don’t you order a Guinness?” his colleagues ask. 

“Naah. If you guys won’t drink beer, than neither will I.” 

Submitted by Deck, Williamsport, MD.
 

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