So So Jokes

  1. A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3. He says “Uno, dos…” poof. He disappeared without a tres.
  2. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
  3. Why don’t ants get sick?Because they have little antybodies.
  4. What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?Aye matey
  5. What happened when the pirate attempted to recite the alphabet?He got lost at ‘c’.
  6. How do you tell the gender of an ant?Put it in a glass of water. If it sinks it’s a girl ant. If it floats it’s buoyant.
  7. What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?Outlaws are wanted.
  8. What do you do if you get the bird flu? Tweetment.
  9. What’s brown and sticky? A stick!
  10. Just re-watched Benjamin Button, again. Never gets old.
  11. Why was the scarecrow awarded a Nobel prize?Because he was outstanding in his field.
  12. Hey Europe, you look like you’ve lost some POUNDS.
  13. What do you call Batman and Robin after a steamroller went over them?Flatman and Ribbon.
  14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?Fsssshhhhhh!
  15. Did you hear about that actress that stabbed herself? Reece…Witherspoon?No, it was with her knife!
  16. My friend Phillip had his lip removed last weekNow we just call him Phil
  17. What do you call a lion who is feeling dandy?A Dandelion.
  18. Where do bad rainbows go?Prism, it’s a light sentence.
  19. What do you call a haunted chicken?A poultry-geist
  20. Now matter how much you push the envelope,…… it’ll still be stationery.
  21. A man rushed into a Doctor’s surgery, shouting “help me please, I’m shrinking” The Doctor calmly said, “now settle down a bit”…..”you’ll just have to learn to be a little patient.

My Favorite Comfort Food

My favorite comfort food is biscuits, buttered hot from the oven. Mother made twenty-seven biscuits every morning. I’d wake to the squeal of the oven door and the scraping of the pan just before she called out, “Biscuits are in the oven.” That was our cue to hustle out of bed. The bedrooms were frigid in winter, so we’d jostle for space to dress in front of the kitchen space heater. When I was little, it was solid comfort to slide into clothes Mother had just warmed before the flames. Once dressed, we’d tie into breakfast with that pile of biscuits, the little guys draped in towels.

Ingredients

  • 3 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 4 tsp baking powder
  • 1/2 tsp cream of tartar
  • 3/4 cup COLD butter
  • 1 cup evaporated milk
  • Preheat oven to 450 degrees.
  • The secret to excellent biscuits is COLD BUTTER. Really cold. Many times the biscuit dough gets worked so much that the butter softens before the biscuits even go in the oven. Try cutting the butter into small pieces and stick back in the fridge pulling out only when ready to incorporate into the dough.
  • Combine the dry ingredients in a large bowl. 
  • Cut cold butter into flour mixture. Mix will be a bit lumpy.
  • Add in the milk and mix just until the ingredients are combined. The dough will be sticky but don’t keep working it. You should be able to see the butter pieces in the dough.

To roll out, turn mix on to floured surface. Sprinkle with flour and turn two or three times. Cut with biscuit cutter.

To hand roll, dust with flour and roll in flour dusted hand two or three quick turn to smooth a bit.

Brush tops with melted butter and bake 10 to twelve minutes till tops brown. Yields 12 Wrap in damp paper towel to reheat 15 seconds in microwave.

Maxine’s Hot

Tiny Dog and Her Big Personality: Rescuing the Unforgettable

I was glad for the garage that sleety morning as I started out for my day shift. At least I wouldn’t have to stand in the cold and scrape ice off my windshield. As I headed cautiously out my slippery drive, I caught sight of a tiny red Chihuahua hopping down the middle of the street in the dark. Knowing how Chihuahuas suffer from the cold , I knew someone’s precious baby must have slipped out. Surely, no one would have intentionally left such a fragile creature out, so I stopped and called out. The grateful dog jumped in my car as soon as I opened the door. She looked like a red Chinese Crested Hairless Chihuahua at first. Shivering, she was chilled to the bone. I called work, letting them know I’d be late and took her back home. Upon inspection, I found her flea collar had slipped to fit bandoleer style, pulling her front leg out of line. Cutting the collar off, I saw chafing under her left front leg. This pitiful beast had been abandoned. Flea-infested and starving, she had horrendous breath, the result of muscle breakdown, After hand-feeding and watering her, I put a heating pad in a small box and wrapped her like a mummy. She buried up head and ears, still shivering and coughing. Bud hadn’t gotten in from his night shift so I left him a note and went to work. I worried about her all day.

I needn’t have concerned myself. When I got home that afternoon, I found her enthroned on Bud’s lap, cozily wrapped in a blanket, her food and water bowls at hand. She was crawling with fleas but Bud was unconcerned. I gave her a warm flea bath, which she welcomed, removed a few ticks, and treated her chafed leg. The next day, we took her to the vet who put her on antibiotics for her cough. She weighed four pounds six ounces.

We nursed her back to health before worming and vaccinating her. Her cough cleared. By the time she’d reached her target weight, her golden coat grew in. She turned out to be a beautiful, honey-coated Pomeranian, the sweetest little dog possible. This little rescue was so grateful for her home. Her personality blossomed. She got bossy, trying to get us to go to bed at eight every night. Ruling the roost over our bigger dogs, she pushed them out of their beds and confiscated their toys at will. She particularly loved Bud, who’d wrapped her in a blanket and cuddled her all day, her first day home.

If you are thinking of getting a dog, consider a rescue. They are likely to already be house trained. They are definitely grateful for their home. No one need buy a dog when there are so many rescues waiting. Even if you have your heart set on a particular breed, you can usually find one. People often buy purebred dogs thoughtlessly, then turn them in to shelters.

Favorite Board Game

That’s a hard one for me. I have terminal ADD. Most likely, I have to be reminded when it’s my turn. I find conversations much more interesting. Also, I constantly interrupt myself to do something, get snacks, do something for the dog, or recall something I meant to do earlier. The only game I’d ever suggest playing is Scrabble. Word games come closest to holding my interest, since I love language. Should we sit down to a board game, prepare to be disappointed in me. My playing will be so lousy you’ll have to talk about me to your buddies. I’m so bad, I won’t even lose.

Haircut Jokes

Marley stopped at the town barbershop for a haircut.

After thirty-five minutes of snipping and cutting, the barber held a mirror behind Marley’s head.

“How you like it?” asked the barber.

“Real fine,” said the redneck. “But how about making it a little longer in the back?”

😄 😄 😄

Bad Hair Jokes One-Liners


I work at a barber shop and I recently started giving free eyebrow trims to anyone that got a haircut.

Everyone looks surprised.

😄 😄 😄

I got a haircut today, but I’m never going back to that barber.

I asked for one hair cut, and he cut all of them.

😄 😄 😄

My wife gave me a haircut on the balcony outside today.

Cleanup was a breeze.

😄 😄 😄

Haircuts are great because I did none of the work, but get all the credit.

😄 😄 😄

Since quarantine I’ve not had a haircut. Hell, I’ve not even stepped on the scales.

So today I decided to weigh myself for the first time in months.

Who knew hair weighed so much?!

😄 😄 😄

Thought I saw my first super hero today. He was sprinting down the street wearing a cape.

Turns out, he hadn’t paid for his haircut.

😄 😄 😄

I just paid for a full haircut, conditioner, neck and scalp massage, face shave and then mustache trim and wax.

It’s my wife’s birthday and I thought, “What the hell! I’ll treat her.”

😄 😄 😄

Haircut Jokes

Marley stopped at the town barbershop for a haircut.

After thirty-five minutes of snipping and cutting, the barber held a mirror behind Marley’s head.

“How you like it?” asked the barber.

“Real fine,” said the redneck. “But how about making it a little longer in the back?”

😄 😄 😄

Bad Hair Jokes One-Liners


I work at a barber shop and I recently started giving free eyebrow trims to anyone that got a haircut.

Everyone looks surprised.

😄 😄 😄

I got a haircut today, but I’m never going back to that barber.

I asked for one hair cut, and he cut all of them.

😄 😄 😄

My wife gave me a haircut on the balcony outside today.

Cleanup was a breeze.

😄 😄 😄

Haircuts are great because I did none of the work, but get all the credit.

😄 😄 😄

Since quarantine I’ve not had a haircut. Hell, I’ve not even stepped on the scales.

So today I decided to weigh myself for the first time in months.

Who knew hair weighed so much?!

😄 😄 😄

Thought I saw my first super hero today. He was sprinting down the street wearing a cape.

Turns out, he hadn’t paid for his haircut.

😄 😄 😄

I just paid for a full haircut, conditioner, neck and scalp massage, face shave and then mustache trim and wax.

It’s my wife’s birthday and I thought, “What the hell! I’ll treat her.”

😄 😄 😄

Fishing Jokes

What did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall?

Dam!

Game warden: Didn’t you see the no-fishing sign, son?
Boy: I’m not fishing, sir. I’m teaching these worms how to swim!

Two guys are fishing and one of them catches a huge 10 pound Walleye. They get the trophy in the boat and the fish looks up and says “If you release me, I’ll grant you a wish”. The first guy says “Great! I wish the whole lake was full of ice cold beer”. The Walleye says “Done!” and they put her back. The second guy says disgustedly “Well you sure messed that up. Now we have to pee in the boat!”

What’s the difference between a (money grubbing outdoor heritage stealing) Minnesota State Legislator and a Bullhead?

One is slimy, has whiskers, and stinks.

The other one is a fish.

Older guy has been rumored to have been using dynamite to catch his fish. DNR are on to him, but need to catch him. One day, the warden spots him heading through the trees to a pond with a rod and tackle box. Warden smiles knowing he is about to catch him.

He follows the guy to the pond and waits, but the guy is just staring at the water. So he decides to confront the older gentleman. 

He introduces himself and says that he knows he’s been using dynamite to fish, and that it’s illegal. The older guy acknowledges that it’s illegal, than says “hold on a second”. He reaches into his tackle box, and lights a stick of dynamite. Turns around and hands it to the warden, and says “Well, are you gonna stand there, or are you gonna fish?!”

Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup

What foods would you like to make?

On cold days or when friends or family are sick, I love to make homemade chicken noodle soup for them. It’s just a big bowl of love. I’ll give you ingredients. Amounts are approximate.

2 cups diced chicken breast(canned ok or leftover rotisserie chicken is fine)

1 family size Cream of Chicken Soup

2 cups chicken broth

Up to 2 cups water as needed to cut salt

1/4 diced celery

1/2 cup diced carrots and peas if desired(I use frozen)

1/2 teaspoon crushed garlic

1/2 diced onion

Parsley if desired

Wide noodles to your taste

Pepper

Simmer Cream of Chicken Soup, onions, celery, and garlic. Do not salt! Whisk till soup is well mixed. Add chicken. Bring back to low simmer. Add noodles bit by bit to your liking as soup simmers. Be cautious. It’s easy to overload broth mix if you put in a lot at once. Season with pepper to your taste. Don’t salt till you taste. Broth and canned soup are both salty.

Simmer with soup just starting to low bubble around edges of pot at least 30 minutes till noodles are tender, stirring frequently. Noodles will stick if cooked higher. Add water as needed to get consistency to your taste. Likely will not need salt.