humor

Tough Guy Bob

Several years ago I hired a remarkable young man. He’d completed a rigorous drug rehab program and afterward managed to convince the Louisiana Board of Nursing to allow him progress into clinical courses despite a history of drug use. He was concurrently monitored by the impaired nurse program and passed many random drug tests. He was required to attend regular Narcotics Anonymous Meetings and was given no assurance of licensure upon successful completion of all these requirements. He soldiered successfully through all this and was licensed.

I was fortunate enough to hire Bob in my acute dialysis unit. An excellent nurse, he was a quick learner and valuable staff member. In addition to nursing, he had a passion for music and was deeply involved in his church’s music ministry. I was fortunate to have him on my staff for a couple of years. I asked him how he was able to resist the lure of drugs. He told me he’d traded drugs for the high of music. I really learned a lot from him.

Some time later, my husband and I ran into Bob at a music store. I was so happy to see him, I hugged him tightly and kept my arm around him for a bit. He was clearly uncomfortable and kept looking at Bud. It had never occurred to me that a young black man might be uncomfortable being hugged by an older white woman accompanied by her husband. Of course, I introduced them and told Bob, Bud knew how much I thought of his work and accomplishments. I am so grateful to have known Bob.

How the Cat Taught Me to Make the Bed

Mother always stayed on me about making my bed.  I was a bonafide lazy kid, intent on getting loud without doing it.  It just wasn’t on my priority list.  Sadly, Mother usually caught me and sent me back to do it. I knew better than to lie. Despite her nagging,  I hadn’t internalized the need to make my bed at that point.

One morning, she had multiple catastrophes allowing me to slip out.  I sloppily pulled my covers up, pulled the door behind me and escaped, unaware I’d shut the cat in my room.  He snuggled into the warm spot I’d left and settled in for a nice nice nap.  I suppose he yowled later in the day and Mother let him out.

When I got in bed that night, I lifted the covers and slid between the sheets in one swift move, encountering a cold,slimy sensation from knee to thigh.  When I hopped out of bed, I found a soupy poop surprise the cat smeared on my leg.  It was horrible and felt like it couldn’t’ t be washed off.  It changed my attitude about bed making forever.  The cat knew how to motivate

Cool Mom for One Moment in Time

From the time my kids were preteens, either Bud or I stopped off a couple of afternoons to stock up the pantry. It seemed we were always low on fruit, milk, bread, and snacks. We encouraged our kids to stay home, meaning other kids hung out there. I rarely met a satiated kid.

One afternoon, I noticed some lemonade drinks that looked appealing. I picked up a couple of cartons, thinking the kids might enjoy them. Boy, was I right. They barely hit the fridge before the kids broke into them. I got busy with laundry or some other tasks while starting dinner. Before long, my kids were having a fine time, laughing and almost acting like friends. When John made a trip to the kitchen and asked his sister if she wanted him to bring her another, I knew something was off. Upon investigation, I found out the truth about California Coolers and really messed things up for them.

Working Things Out With Chris

Chris and Frogs0002
original art by Kathleen Holdaway Swain

Chris was the meanest kid around.  He threw rocks, kicked his dog, stole lunch money out of desks, broke in line for lunch, and was sassy to the teacher.  He had a giant pile of sand in his yard and dared anyone come near it.  All the kids avoided him.

This was a problem for me and my brother Billy when Mother visited Miss Alice, Chris’s next door neighbor. We sure didn’t want him to spot us so we always played in the far side of her shady yard.  One day, we were making villages of stick houses with mossy fields and sandy tracks for roads when, out of nowhere, POW!!  A rock popped me on the head, knocking me goofy.  When I quit seeing stars, I heard Chris laughing, “Ha!  Made you look!”

Look nothing!!  He nearly made me dead!! We jumped up and chased him, but he left us in his dust, fuming!  We had to come up with a plan to get that creep.  We puzzled and plotted the rest of the day.  He was the biggest, fastest, meanest bully around, so we’d have to outsmart him.  We decided to spy on him the next time Mother went to visit Miss Alice. 

We got our big chance the next day.  He glared when we went in her gate, just waiting to torture us.   The ladies decided to drink their tea in the backyard.  Even Chris knew he couldn’t  us get at us with adults around, so he skulked back to his own yard and kicked at his dog to cheer himself up.   We lay on our stomachs and crawled into the bushes to spy on him as he stomped over to where his mother was working in her flower bed.

Chris was even mean to his mother.  He sassed her when she told him to help, stepped on her flowers, sprayed the cat with water, and kicked over the flower pots.  Suddenly, he went crazy jumping and screaming.  When she finally caught up with him, she said, “Chris, it’s nothing but a little bitty frog!!!  He can’t hurt you!! Just stay still and I’ll get him. I don’t know why you’re so scared of a little bitty frog.”

That big bully was bawling like a baby.  “Get him off! Get him off!  Get him off!!! I hate frogs!” We had our plan!

We headed to the pond and collected a few frogs as soon as we got home.  The next morning at school I slipped in to the class room and got to work hiding frogs.  I put a couple in Chris’s desk, a couple in his pencil box, and slipped a really nice one in the pocket of the jacket hanging on the back of his desk.  I barely finished before the first bell rang.  Chris strolled in after the last bell.  All I had to do now was wait.  I did wish Billy could be here for the fun.

The frogs stayed quiet as we all settled down.  I kept waiting for the fun to start.  After a while, I got involved in a story the teacher was reading and forgot about the frogs.  That’s when it happened.   “Ribbitt!  Ribbitt!  Ribbitt!”   We all started giggling.

“Who did that?”  Miz McZumley was not amused.

“Ribbitt!!  Ribbitt!!”  Kids guffawed!  The class was out of control.

Miz McZumley whacked her ruler down on her desk.  “That does it!  Storytime is over!  Get out your pencils and workbooks.”

You can imagine what happened next.  Two fine frogs jumped out of Chris’s desk.  He screamed and ran in place.  The whole class was hysterical as they chased frogs.  The teacher was furious at Chris for bringing frogs to class.  He blubbered a pathetic defense “I didn’t!! I didn’t! I hate frogs!”  Two more frogs jumped out of his desk, looking for their buddies.

“Then where did all these frogs come from?”  She wasn’t convinced.  Chris got paddled and was sentenced to pick up trash at recess.  I couldn’t wait for him to put on his jacket!!!  My bully problems were over.  There were going to be a lot of frogs in Chris’s future.

 

Ten Things I Know for Certain

1. The sun came up.

2. Bud is up. I heard breaking glass in bathroom and he came through looking for broom and dustpan.

3. My big dog was hungry. He gobbled every bite of dogfood.

4. We need to pick up branches in the yard. Bud cleared out around trees.

5. It’s going to be hot today. It’s July in Louisiana.

6. We will want to eat today.

7. Bud is going for his banjo. There will be music.

8. My plants want water. Again, it’s July in Louisiana.

9. I will fold laundry. The dryer just beeped.

10. Life at my house is simple but good.

Tough Cat

Ol’ Tom lived back in the good old days and had the run of the farm and only God knows how many wooded acres. Since he was intact, he often took leaves of absence to exercise his tom-catting. Sometimes he’d be gone as much as three months, then show up skinny, battered, and exhausted for some much needed rest and relaxation. With his tattered ears and many scars, he wasn’t handsome but it didn’t seem to effect his social life.

Tom and the dogs ignored each other except at feeding time. Daddy had several dogs and dispensed food in several receptacles to prevent fighting. I don’t mean dishes, I mean old hubcaps, old pots and pans, or bucket lids. Daddy made the dogs stand back till all the dishes were filled, then gave the signal “Ok!” The ravenous dogs fell to eating and never left a scrap.

Tom took command when he was home. Once the “ dog dishes” were filled, he took his pick. The older, wiser dogs stepped back till Ol’ Tom had his fill. A foolish dog might threaten him, once. Tom would calmly reach out and hook the dog’s tender nose, holding the poor animal captive at paw’s length till he ate his fill. At Tom’s convenience, he’d retract the claw and saunter off. It never took a dog but one lesson to respect Tom.

Security Seeker or Adventurer?

Daily writing prompt
Are you seeking security or adventure?
View all responses

I am seventy-three. I am definitely not seeking adventure. I have arthritis and no longer move fast enough for that. If adventure sneaked up on me, it would do me in. However, when I dream, I am in my prime, sometimes beyond my prime. Sometimes I fly, leap tall buildings with a single bound, or accomplish monumental feats effortlessly. I suppose I’ll have to be content with that. Actually, I never was adventurous, so nothing has changed.

Good Joke

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?” 

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. 

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.” 

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.” 

Passenger: “Sounds like he was really something special.” 

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right every single time.” 

Passenger: “Wow, what a guy!” 

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. 

He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. 

He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.” 

Passenger: “How did you meet him?” 

Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.

My doctor advised me for stress reduction to listen to opera music

He gave me a CD. I’ve been listening all night but I’m not sure if its actually having an effect. It says on the cover the guys name is Placebo Domingo.

Dinner Guest

If I could choose any guest, I’d invite Mark Twain. I love his writing above all others. It seems he’s speaking directly to me. He was so knowledgeable about human nature and put such a fascinating spin on his commentaries. I remember so many of his quotations. My favorite was Huck Finn’s struggle with his conscience about turning Jim, the runaway slave in.

“I’d got to decide, forever betwixt two things, and I knowed it. I studied a minute, sort of holding my breath, and then says to myself: ‘Alright, then, I’ll just go to hell’” (Twain 223).