joke

Got a Wicked Sense of Humor? These 125 Dark Humor Jokes Will Be Right Up Your Alley

These (sometimes inappropriate) jokes will be just the thing to crack a smile.

Throughout the last few years, we’ve all realized just how tough life can be. Sometimes, a knock-knock joke doesn’t help lighten the mood and the only resort is to crack a few jokes about things that normally shouldn’t be laughed at like death, disease and depression.

Dark humor jokes should only be told between the closest of friend groups or if you read the room well. These offensive jokes may not be the best way to break the ice with your coworkers or in-laws but your friends or equally twisted members of your family may crack a few smiles. Telling dark humor jokes is a toss-up, but it’s always better to take the risk!

If dark humor jokes make you chuckle, take a peek at this list and compile a list to tell when you and your friends get together. Chances are, they’ll love them just as much as you do.

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105 Bewitching Halloween Pick Up Lines

125 Best Dark Humor Jokes

1. I just got my doctor’s test results and I’m really upset about it. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.

2. My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.

3. Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera.

4. A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”

5. As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

6. I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

7. The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis.

8. Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

9.  I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.

10. Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smileto your face, like when you push them down the stairs.

11. A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”

12. My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

13. What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can’t be found.

14. I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

15. When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.

16. Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.

17. My husband left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what he’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!

18. Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person.

19. It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

20. Want to know how you make any salad into a caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times.

21. When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings.

22. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

23. My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

24. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

25. A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?”

26. I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.

27. The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

28. You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.

29. Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere.

30. What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

31. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.

32. My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.

33. What did the Titanic say as it sank? I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!

34. Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”

35. How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

36. I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5.

37. They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline.

38. My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

39. I have many jokes about unemployed people—sadly none of them work.

40. The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted.

41. To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

42. I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put down.

43. You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

44. I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.

45. What’s the difference between a hipster and a football player? A football player showers.

46. I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page.

47. The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

48. Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because he’s dead. 

49. “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral. 

50. It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. But, I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey. 

51. Never break someone’s heart, they only have one of those. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them. 

52. What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage. 

53. When ordering food at a new restaurant, my wife asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken.“Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.” 

54. What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One is a superhero and the other is a simple command. 

55. I’ll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died. “Are you still holding the ladder?” 

56. Sorry, what’s the quickest way to get to the hospital? Easy, just stand in the middle of a busy road. 

57. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny. 

58. What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair. 

59. What’s the difference between jelly and jam? You can’t jelly a clown into the tiny car. 

60. My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo. 

61. What do you call inexpensive circumcision? A rip-off. 

62. What did the woman with no hands get for Christmas? No idea. She hasn’t opened her present yet. 

63. “I work with animals,” the guy says to his Tinder date.  “That’s so sweet,” she replies. “I like a man who loves animals. Where do you work?” “I’m a butcher,” he says. 

64. What’s the difference between a baby and a sweet potato? About 140 calories. 

65. You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

66. Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

67. Why was the leper hockey game canceled? It was because of a face-off in the corner.

68. They say the surest way to a man’s heart is through the stomach. But, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.

69. What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield of a car going 80 mph? Its butt.

70. What’s the special dish in a restaurant for cannibals? Heads, shoulders, knees, and toes

71. Why are friends a lot like snow? If you pee on them, they disappear.

72. What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter what you call him, he won’t come anyway.

73. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.

74. Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you. But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.

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75. My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

76. Happy 60th birthday. At last, you can live undisturbed by life insurance agents!

77. Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to hit you. That’s the punch line.

78. Dark humor is like food. Not everyone gets it.

79. The cemetery is so crowded. People are just dying to get in.

80. I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person.

81. I know a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.

82. I childproofed my house. Somehow they still got in!

83. Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.

84. Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!

85. Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst.

86. People with Covid have no taste!

87. My favorite Disney movie is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I love a hero with a twisted back story.

88. My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.

89. I heard Sony is coming out with a new video game console to help us get through the pandemic. It’s called the Plaguestation 5.

90. I’ve stopped making jokes about Covid to my brother. They flu over his head.

91. My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

92. I got a job at a library, but it only lasted 15 minutes. Turns out, books about women’s rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section.

93. I started crying when dad was cutting onions. Onions was such a good dog.

94. My daughter asked me how stars die. “Usually an overdose,” I told her.

95. What do you call it when every one of your friends makes too many dumb Covid jokes? A pundemic.

96. What did Kermit the Frog say at his puppeteer’s funeral? Not a word.

97. Why is there air conditioning in hospitals? To keep the vegetables cool and fresh.

98. The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.

99. Since the pandemic started, my husband just stands there sadly looking through the window. I should probably go let him inside.

100. I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.

101. Why did the zombies get divorced? Their marriage was dead.

102. What do you call headphones that walk out on their children? Deadbeats.

103. I asked my wife to clean the oven. I probably should have turned it off first.

104. I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

105. When I was a kid, I was afraid of the dark. Now that I’m grown up, the electricity bill made me afraid of the light.

106. I thought opening a door for a lady was good manners, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane.

107. I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read.

108. My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

109. Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to meet so many new faces.

110. My wife is mad that I ruined our anniversary. I’m not sure how, I didn’t even know it was today.

111. I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.

112. I took my family skydiving. I should have given them parachutes.

113. If someone burns to death, do they get a discount at the cremation?

114. My therapist said time heals all wounds, so I stabbed her.

115. My husband told me to do whatever makes him happy. I’m going to miss him.

116. If you think I would joke about Alzheimer’s, forget it.

117. My wife told me she wants another baby. I told her, “That’s a relief, I don’t really like this one anyway.

118. I hope death is a woman. That way it will never look at me twice.

119. I have a joke about trickle down economics, however, 99% of you will never get it.

120. My husband is driving me to drink. I guess it’s better than taking me for a walk.

121. How are marriages like algebra? Because when you look at your X, you can’t help but wonder Y.

122. What is yellow and can’t swim? A dead goldfish.

123. I’ll never forget my dad’s last words, “Erase my search history, son.”

124. Stop elephant poaching. Everyone knows the best way to eat an elephant is grilled.

125. I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.

Two counterfeiters were working on making some fake bills starting with $100’s. One of the plates slipped without them noticing, and printed out a whole run of $18 bills.

Instead of wasting them, they decided to head south to see if they could pass them off, thinking that locals wouldn’t know a fake bill from a real one.

They stopped at a local convenience store to test the theory. As they approached the counter, they asked “Can you make change for an $18?”

The response came quick. “

Joke of the Day

A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, “Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I’m so mad, I can’t even see straight.” The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, “Gimme another one.” The bartender pours the drink, but says, “Now, before I give you this, why don’t you let off a little steam and tell me why you’re so upset?” So, the man begins his tale. “Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, “Wow, this has never happened before.” You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I’d like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while. I couldn’t believe this was happening, r and I hadn’t had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true.” He continued, “She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. She said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be ready to go down to the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I put my feet up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door.” “The blonde says, ‘Oh my god, it’s my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he’s gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'” “So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn’t hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he’s bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and wa s hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn’t see me.” The bartender says “Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point.” “Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, ‘Who you been with now, you witch?’ The girl says, ‘Nobody, honey, now calm down.'” Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I’m thinking, ‘Boy, I’m glad I didn’t hide in there.’ Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn’t hide under there either. Then I heard him say, ‘What’s that over there by the window?’ I think, ‘Oh God, I’m dead meat now.’ But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time; I figure maybe he’s gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!” The bartender says, “Oh man, that would have gotten me mad for sure.” “No, that didn’t really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They’re a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass.” The bartender looks at the guy’s hands and says, “Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset.” “No, that wasn’t what really got me so angry though.” The bartender then asks in exasperation, “Well, then, what did finally make you anger?” “Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and looked down–I was only about six inches off the ground.”

Jokes

A man was doing some DIY work on his gas stove

When it all of a sudden blew up and sent him flying through his roof and up into the sky.

On his way up he passed a man falling down from the sky and asked him: “Hey, you know anything about gas stoves?”

The guy falling responded, “Nope, you know anything about parachutes?”

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said “Are you OK? I’m so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me.” The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, “I didn’t realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly.” The driver replied, “No, no, I’m the one who is sorry, it’s entirely my fault. I’ve been a driver for 25 years but today is my very first day driving a cab.” “What did you drive before that?” “A hearse.”

https://www.ba-bamail.com/jokes/funeral-jokes/?jokeid=697

Real Estate Jokes

1.  A Great Spin on a Classic Joke

Q: How many estate agents does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None! “The lightbulb is in excellent working order and comprised of a beautiful retro teardrop illuminator, offering original glass and metal features and located very centrally in the middle of the room. Local amenities abound and the property is serviced by a newly refurbished power cord connecting it to the ceiling. Nearby is a tasteful power switch to enable the purchaser to switch it on and off. Leasehold with share of power supply with lovingly improved wattage by the current owners. Would suit a professional couple or family looking for more light.”

2.  A Dirty Little Real Estate Joke

What’s the difference between syphilis and medical office space? You can get rid of syphilis.

3. The Texan Ranchers

Two Texans were sitting at a bar having a drink. The first one says, “My spread is so big that it extends to the horizon”. 

To that, the second one says, “Well, my spread is so big that if I get in my car in the morning and drive all day, all night and most of the next day, I still don’t reach the end”. 

At that point, the first one looks at him and says, “Yeah, that’s what you get for driving a Kia”.

4. What a Catch

I’m getting married to a luxury realtor tomorrow. He’s so dreamy. Check out the diamond engagement ring he sold me.

5.  Take Me To Your Contractor

What do great affordable contractors have in common with UFOs? You always hear stories about them, but no one you know has actually seen one.

6. This Lawyer Must Be Amish

A lawyer who had 12 children was in a tight bind because his rental agreement was coming to an end, and he was looking for a new home. He could not easily find one because no one wanted a tenant who had 12 children who would most likely destroy the house.

Since he was a lawyer, he could not easily lie about his family situation. So on the day a new real estate agent came to meet up with him, he told his 11 children and his wife to go to the cemetery.

During the interview, the real estate agent asked, “How many children do you have?”

He answered truthfully, “Twelve.”

Seeing he only had one beside him, the agent curiously asked,“Where are the rest, then?”

The lawyer answered with a sad look, “They’re in the cemetery with their mother.”

And that’s how his agreement was signed, and he was able to rent a new home without lying.

7. ZZZZZZZZ

What does an appraiser’s wife say if she can’t sleep? “Honey, tell me about your day at work.”

8. The Head Hunters

“I need a raise in my commission,” the real estate agent said to his manager. 

“There are three other companies after me.” 

“Is that so?” asked the manager. “What other companies are after you?” 

“The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company.”

9. The Real Estate Planning Officer Joke

Q: How many planning officers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Six! Four to write an extensive study recommending a three-way 100/200/250 watt lightbulb, one to write a newspaper press release praising the study, and one to put in a 10 watt bulb instead.

#1 

114 Funny Car Jokes To Accelerate Your Day

When you can’t find a parking spot, you turn down the volume to see better.

#2 

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.

I can say with pride that I could parallel park anything. But, I say with deep shame that I can’t pull into a plain, old, regular spot – head-on, mind you – in one attempt.

#3 

My 35-year boycott of Ferrari and Lamborghini is still going strong!

And will continue until they lower the price.

 

#4 

114 Funny Car Jokes To Accelerate Your Day

New Teslas don’t come with a new car smell they come with an Elon Musk.

#5 

If a car’s chasing you, you’ll definitely get tired.

But if you chase cars, you’ll get exhausted.

#6 

What kind of cars do people in Norway drive?

Fjords.

#7 

I just got nine out of 10 on my driver’s test.

The last guy was able to get out of the way.

#8 

What’s the difference between a Fiat and a golf ball?

You can drive a golf ball more than 200 yards.

#9 

114 Funny Car Jokes To Accelerate Your Day

The biggest irony is being hit by a Dodge.

#10 

What kind of car does Yoda drive?

A Toyoda.

#11 

Did you know that Ford is making a new heated tailgate?

It’s so your hands stay warm when you are pushing it back home in the winter.

Joke of the Day

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George’s dad took him aside, “Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she’s a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.” Continue reading →

Marriage Joke

A man and his wife enter a dentist’s office. The wife says “I need a tooth pulled. No gas or Novocain — I’m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.” “You’re a brave woman,” says the dentist. “Now, shows me which tooth it is.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.

On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. “Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?” Tom responds, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness — and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed  single.

 

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.  The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left.  At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.  The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test.  To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken.” “I doubt it,” said the truly proud Redneck. “Tonight I’m the designated decoy

Fishing Jokes

Marriage

Bob was a very keen angler, but he eventually found time to meet a lovely girl and they were married. After the honeymoon, Bob was in his garage sorting out reels when his new wife came in to watch him.

After a long period of silence she finally said: “Darling, I’ve just been thinking; now that we are married, maybe you don’t need to spend so much of your time out here in your garage and you could think about selling some of your fishing stuff … like do you need all those rods, lures, old reel parts and smelly nets. You could sell that tatty boat and with the money we could have a new bathroom.”

A horrified look crept over Bob’s face and silently stared at her. She said, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

He replied, “Nothing … but for a minute there, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

“Ex-wife!?” she screamed, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”

Bob replied, “I wasn’t…”

Two fishing mates

Bill and Pete are fishing together. Pete is unusually quiet and lost in thought.

“What’s up Pete” asks Bill.

“The wife and I had a row about how much time I spent fishing. She hasn’t spoken to me for days since. I’m thinking of getting a divorce.”

“Don’t be too hasty,” replied Bill. “Women like that are hard to find.”

Heavenly Fishing

2 Anglers joke fishing

Two buddies were fishing together.

“Do you think you can go fishing in Heaven?” asked Bill.

“I don’t know” said Joe, “but here’s an idea – the first of us that gets there should let the other one know.”

A few months passed and Bill dropped dead with a sudden heart attack. Joe carried on going fishing on his own and one day he heard a voice,

“Helloooooo Joe.”

“Who’s that?”

“It’s Bill. You can’t see me, but I can see you.”

“Bill, tell me” said Joe, “can you go fishing in heaven?”

“Well I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that we can fish every day if we like. The bad news is that you are fishing in our competition tomorrow.”

 Who can relate to this?

Hooks

One Liners from the Edinburgh Fringe

“Our mate Dave was drowned. For the funeral we have a wreath made in the shape of a lifebelt. It’s what he would have wanted.”

“Have you heard about the French existentialist seagull? It flies around and says (squeaky voice) “pourquoi?”

 Bad Weather Fishing

Very early one Saturday morning a man gets up early, dresses quietly so as not to wake his wife, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the 4×4. Coming out of his garage he finds the rain is pouring down: it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow and sleet mixed in with the rain. The wind is blowing at over 50mph.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it is going to be very bad weather all day long, so he puts his 4×4 back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife’s back, now with a different anticipation and whispers, “The weather out there is terrible”. To which she sleepily replies, “Yeah, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in it?”

The Fishing Priest

Father Michael was an avid fisherman, and whenever he was not fulfilling his priestly duties he would be out on the lough. One summer (2008) there had been weeks of stormy weather and he hadn’t been able to go fishing at all. He was desperate. One morning, the day dawned calm and mild: he could go. But – it was Sunday! He was supposed to be taking Mass in the church. “I know”, he thought. “I’ll pretend I have the ‘flu and Father O’Leary can take Mass for me. I’ll drive 50 miles to a river where I am not known, and have my day’s fishing.”

So that is what he did. However, he could not hide from God. One of the angels spotted him, and immediately snitched on him to God. God peered through the clouds and frowned.

“Are you going to punish him?” asked the angel. God nodded. The angel watched, expecting Father Michael to step in a wasp’s nest or fall in the river. Suddenly, Father Michael struck into a massive fish, and after a lengthy struggle the fish was on the bank. It was a huge salmon, almost certainly a record.

“But…I thought you were going to punish him?” asked the angel.

“I did,” said God. “Now who can he tell?”

Obituary

Doreen’s husband Matt died suddenly one day. Doreen was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Matt’s obituary to read.

Doreen asked the undertaker, “How much does an obituary cost?”
The undertaker replied, “One dollar per word.”
Doreen then said, “I want the obituary to read – MATT IS DEAD.”
The undertaker was an old fishing buddy of Matt’s and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered, “I’ll make you a special deal since I knew Matt so well. I’ll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket.”
Doreen’s face lit up and she replied, “Great. I want it to read – MATT IS DEAD, BOAT FOR SALE.”