A man says to his wife, “Grab your jacket I’m going to the pub.”
She asks, “Oh, are you taking me with you?”“No, I’m turning the heating off.”
Comic Sans, Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a pub. The landlord yells, “Get out! We don’t serve your type in here!”
I used to work in a pub next to a hospital and this guy walked in one day with his hospital gown on and holding a drip on a stand that was still connected to his veins.I asked him how I could help and bizarrely he said, “Can I have 2 pints of lager, 2 pints of Guinness, 4 Jack Daniels and coke, 3 gin and tonics, and 6 shots of tequila?It’s a free country so I start to pour the drinks and put them on the bar one at a time. As I finished pouring all of the drinks he downed them in order and finished on the shots of tequila which he dispatched one at a time at a quick pace. He then looked at me really sad and said, “I shouldn’t have drunk all that with what I’ve got.” I said, “Why what have you got?” He said, “About £3.50.”
Bill BaileyPixie Pub
A penguin walks into a bar and asks the barman, “Has my brother been in for a drink here today?”The barman looks at the penguin and says, “I’m not sure. What does he look like?”
I was in the pub when a guy called me a cheapskate. So I threw his drink in his face.
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Give me a cider and a mop, please.”
A polar bear walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer. The barman says, “£17, please.”The polar bear pays and takes a seat. Bemused, the barman approaches and says, “This is exciting, we don’t get many polar bears in here!” To which the polar bear replies, “I’m not surprised with beer at £17 a pint.”
A shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is extremely embarrassed and slinks back to his table.After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles and says quietly, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a psychology student and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”To this, the man responds at the top of his voice, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN £800?”
Two German agents walk into a pub in London during WW2 and one of them said to the waiter, “Two martinis, please.”The barman asked, “Dry?” To which the customer replied, “Nein! Zwei!”
I tried to get a shipment of fire hydrants from the factory that makes ‘em, but I wasn’t allowed to stop anywhere near the place!
[Updated 12/29/19].
There was a man driving down the road behind an 18-wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.
When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, “I don’t mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?”
To which the trucker replied, “Sorry, can’t talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10-ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times.”
A genie comes out and says, “Thank you for releasing me, master. I will grant you one wish.”
The trucker thinks for a moment and says, “I would like my own personal, private, toll-free road from New York to California.”
The genie shakes his head and says, “There are far too many federal, state, and local regulations involved, that would be too difficult. Is there anything else you’d rather have?”
The trucker thinks for another minute and says “I wish my wife would stop nagging me.” The genie replies, “All right, how many lanes do you want for that road?”
On the last day of truck driving school Charlie is taking his test, and the examiner is asking him all kinds of questions.
The examiner asks “What would you do if your headlights went out?” and Charlie says “I’d have old Joe, my co-driver, shine a flashlight out the window so we could keep going.”
The examiner says “OK, but you shouldn’t rely on your partner to help you with problems. What if you’re backing up and the trailer starts to jack-knife, what would you do?” and Charlie says “Well, I’d have old Joe, my co-driver, hop out and help direct me.”
The examiner says “I guess that would help but you shouldn’t rely on your co-driver all the time.”
For his last question the examiner decides he’s going to give a question that no co-driver in the world can help with!
“Okay, now what do you do if you’re on a steep downhill grade, the road is really icy, your brakes are locked up, and at the bottom of the hill is a narrow bridge with a hazardous materials truck coming the other way at you?”
Charlie thinks a minute, and he says “Well, I’d reach over and shake old Joe awake because he ain’t never seen a wreck like we’re about to have!”
Guy walks into an auto parts store and says to the counterman “I’d like new air freshener for my Yugo.” The guy behind the counter shakes his hand and says “OK, that sounds like a pretty decent trade.”
New Teslas don’t come with a new car smell they come with an Elon Musk.
Q: What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
A: Hailing taxis!
Q: What’s the difference between a Ferrari and six trash bags full of recyclable cans?
A: I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.
A truck carrying vicks vaporub overturned on the highway, amazingly there was no congestion for 8 hours strait
Robin: The cars not working
Batman: Did you check the battery?
Robin: Whats a tery?
Q: What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
A: “Robin, get in the car.”
Two Cadillac drivers got in a fender-bender, got out of their cars, and then started yelling at each other.
Within a few seconds they were in a fist-fight. I guess you could say things Escaladed quickly.
Q: What is the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind before it hits the windshield?
A: Its butt.
I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.
My daughter said I could never make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.
Q: What do you call a VW bus at the top of a hill?
A: A miracle.
Q: What’s the difference between a Fiat and a golf ball?
A: You can drive a golf ball more than 200 yards.
On a trip to America, Pope Francis lands in New York City and gets picked up by a white stretch limousine. “You know,” the Pontiff says, “I hardly ever get to drive anymore. Any chance I could take the wheel?”
The driver hems and haws for a minute but he’s supposed to see to the Pope’s every want and need. “Yeah, ok,” the driver says. “I can’t really say no to the Pope.”
The Pope pulls away from the curb and buries the gas pedal right to the floor mat. He’s darting in and out of city traffic and drifting the limo around corners.
A motorcycle cop sees the limo coming and pulls it over. The driver’s window slides silently into the door and the cop is standing face to face with the Pope. The officer walks to his bike and and calls the Chief.
The cop says “I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it’s somebody REALLY important.”
“Important like the mayor?” the Chief asks.
“Nope,” the cop says. “More important than that.”
“Important like the governor?” says the Chief.
“Way more important than that,” says the cop.
“Like the president?” the Chief asks.
“Much more important.”
“Well, who’s more important than the president?” asks the Chief.
“I don’t know,” says the cop, “but the Pope is driving him.”
Many years ago we were cruising around Cambridge with Ray Magliozzi from Car Talk.
We came up to a light that just turned red and instead of slowing down, Ray put his foot right to the floor. I yelled out “Ray, you’re going to get us killed!”
Ray laughs and says “Take it easy, man, Tommy drives like this.”
We hit another red light and Ray blazes right through. “Seriously, we’re going die!” I screamed.
“Relax this is how Tommy drives.”
Finally, we come to a green light he stops dead and looks both ways.
“Ray, what are you doing?” I asked.
He looked at me and said “Tommy might be coming the other way.”
From saloons to spurs to health insurance – here is a fun mix of cowboy humor from the comical elves of North Pole West.
Saloon
A cowboy rides into town and stops at the saloon. However, when he’s finished his drink, he walks out to find his horse has been stolen. The cowboy walks back into the bar, loosens his guns in their holsters and says, ‘I’m gonna have another beer and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I’m finished, I’m gonna do what I dun back in Texas.’ The cowboy has his drink and goes out to find his horse is back where he left it. The bartender calls out after him, ‘Hey partner, what exactly did happen in Texas?’ The cowboy says, ‘I had to walk home!’
Lone Ranger
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are caught in an ambush. ‘Indians ahead of us! Indians behind us! And Indians on both sides!’ shouts the Lone Ranger. ‘Well, Tonto, old friend, it looks like we’re done for!’ Tonto looks at him and says, ‘What you mean… “We”?’
Shoes
Visitor: Wow, you have a lot of flies buzzing round your horses and cows. Do you ever shoo them?
Cowboy: No we just let them go barefoot.
Health Insurance
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.”Ever have an accident?””Nope, nary a one.””None? You’ve never had any accidents.””Nope. Ain’t never had one. Never.””Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn’t you consider that an accident?””Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose.”
A horseman went into a saddlers shop and asked for one spur. “One spur?” asked the saddler. “Surely you mean a pair of spurs, sir?” “No, just one,” replied the horseman. “If I can get one side of the horse to go, the other side is bound to come with it!”
Prospector
A prospector in the Wild West is crossing the mountains in a horse and wagon. With him is his daughter and $10,000 in cash. Suddenly the pair are stopped by a bandit who searches the wagon then rides off with it. ‘Dang it!’ says the prospector. ‘There goes my $10,000!’ ‘No, Pa,’ says his daughter. ‘Look. I managed to hide the money in my mouth.’ ‘Jeepers!’ says the prospector. ‘If only your Ma was here we could have saved the horse and wagon too!’
Saloon 2
An old cowboy goes to a bar and orders a drink. As he sits sipping his whiskey, a young lady sits down next to him. ‘Are you a real cowboy?’ she asks. He replies, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am.’ The woman says, ‘Well I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, watch TV or eat, I think of women. In fact everything seems to make me think of women.’ The woman leaves and a little while later a man sits down next to the old cowboy. ‘Are you a real cowboy?’ asks the man. The cowboy replies, ‘Well, I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’
The Attack
An army fort in the Wild West is about to be attacked by renegades. The captain sends for his trustiest Indian scout. ‘Use all your tracking skills to estimate the sort of war party we’re up against,’ orders the captain. The scout lays down and put his ear to the ground. ‘Big war party,’ he says. ‘One hundred braves in warpaint. Two chiefs, one on a black horse, one on a white mare. Also a medicine man with a limp.’ ‘Good God!’ exclaims the captain. ‘You can tell all that just by listening to the ground?’ ‘No, sir,’ replies the scout. ‘I’m looking under the gate.’
Cowboy Boots
A woman went into a bar in Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she’d ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet.
The cowboy grinned and said, “Sure is, little lady! Why don’t you come on out to the bunk house and let me prove it to you!”
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, “Well, thank ya Ma’am. I’m real flattered. Aitn’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.”
“Don’t be flattered,” the woman replied. “Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.”
Cowboy Boots 2
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, ‘ notice anything different about me’? Margaret looked him over. “Nope’. Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, ‘ Notice anything different NOW’? Margaret looked up and exclaimed, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow!’ Furious, Bert yelled, ‘AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET? ‘ Nope’, she replied. IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!!!! Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, ‘ Shoulda bought a hat Bert, shoulda bought a hat.
A garda was patrolling down O’Connell Streetin Dublin when he sees two fellas pissing up against the window of a shop. He parks the car and runs over to them.
He asks the first fella for his name and address. The man replies, ‘I’m Paddy O’Toole of no fixed abode.’
The Garda turns to the second fella and asks the same question.
He replies, ‘I’m Ben Riordain, and I live in the flat above Paddy!’”
Delirrrrrah
“Anto’s missus was in the Rotunda Hospital, ready to give birth to their first child.
When they arrived, the nurse asked, ‘How dilated is she, sir?’.
Anto replied, ‘Delighted? She’s over the fu*king moon!‘”
Ordering a pint
“‘Sorry, love, can I have a pint of Guinnessand a packet of crisps where you’re ready there’.
‘Oh. You must be Irish‘, she replied. The man was evidently offended and responded, ‘The cheek, just because I order a pint of Guinness you assume I’m Irish.
If I ordered a bowl of pasta would you that make me Italian?!’
‘No’ she replied. ‘But this is a newsagents…‘”
Feeling himself
“Sheamus drops into the local pub on the way back home from visiting the doctor. ‘What’s the story?’ Paddy asks when he sees the look on Sheamus’s face.
‘I haven’t been feeling myself lately‘, Sheamus replied. ‘That’s good’ says Paddy. ‘Sure you’d be arrested for less!’”
Flies in a pint
This is one of the many Irish stereotype jokes that’s flying around, but unlike many it isn’t exactly offensive.
“An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman wander into a little old pub in Kildare. They each ask the barman for a pint of Guinness. After the pints are placed onto the bar, three bluebottles drop into each man’s freshly poured pint.
The Englishman pushes his pint away in disgust and orders up another. The Scot reaches in and plucks the fly out.
The Irishman reaches in, picks the fly out, holds it up close to his face and shouts, “Spit it out you little b*stard.””
Legal advice
“An English lawyer was sat with his Irish client. ‘Marty’ he sighed, ‘Why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he replies with another question?’‘Bollocks. Who told you that?’ asked Marty.”
Death by Guinness
It’s been doing the rounds on WhatsApp for a while, but hopefully it’ll give you a laugh.
“It was a cold Friday evening when the doorbell rang is Mrs Molloy’s house. When she answered the door, Pat Glynn, her husband’s manager at the brewery, was stood on the doorstep.
‘Pat. Hello. Where’s my husband? He should have been home from work 3 hours ago?’ The man sighed. ‘I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, Mrs Molloy, but there was an accident over in the brewery. Your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned’.
Ten shots, please
‘Oh my God’ she replied. ‘Please tell me it was quick?!’ ‘Well… no. It wasn’t. He climbed out 4 times to take a p*ss‘.”
“Ben walked into the local bar all a fluster and ordered seven shots of Irish whiskeyand a pint of Smwithicks. When the barman arrived back with the pint, all of the shots of whiskey had been drunk.
‘Ah here, you drank those very quickly‘ said the barman. ‘Well’ says Ben, ‘If you had what I had you’d drink them quickly, too’.
‘Shite’ replied the barman ‘What do you have?’ ‘A tenner’ replied Ben.”
Why did the cobbler go to therapy? Because he had too many sole searching moments.
Why did the cobbler become an actor? He wanted to put his sole into every performance.
The Soothing Humor of Socks
Socks may often be the forgotten garment, but they have their own style of humor.
What did the hat say to the sock? I’ll go on ahead, you go on foot.
My friend kept going on about what they should do with their new dresser. I told them to put a sock in it.
I bumped into a friend and he asked, “Why are you wearing one red and one black sock? I said, “I don’t know, but I have another pair like this at home.”
What did one sock say to the other in the dryer? I’ll see you next time around.
Lacing Up Some Shoe Jokes
The right pair of shoes can make for some brilliant humor.
What shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!
What kind of shoes do plumbers love. Clogs
What kind of jokes do shoes tell? Knot Knot jokes.
How do you know when it’s time to buy new shoes? When you stand on a penny and can tell if it’s heads or tails.
The High Heel of Humor
High fashion gives way to high humor with these puns and one-liners about heels.
What kind of shoes does someone wear when they are dissecting a frog? Open-toad.
What do you tell a dog in pumps? Heel.
The Flip-Flop of Funnies
Even the beachiest shoes have plenty of jokes in their soles.
What is a flip-flops favorite movie? Sixteen Sandles.
Embracing the Boot-iful World of Boot Jokes
Boots might be built for walking, but these jokes will have you running with laughter.
“How do you warm your feet with a group of boots? You give them a toe-ster!”
“Where do shoes go during summer vacation? Boot camp!”
The Sneaky World of Sneaker Jokes
Sneakers aren’t just for the gym – they’re also for the funny bone.
What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeekers.
What do you call a sneaker that can sing? A “sole” singer!
A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head.
“I need to take that walkman off your head,” says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde.
“You can’t! I’ll die!” retorts the blonde.
“I can’t cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!” says the beauty specialist getting annoyed.
“I said you can’t take it off, or I’ll die!”
The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating “breath in, breath out, breath in”
Why do blondes wear pony tails? To hide the air valve.
A blonde called up her boyfriend one day with a problem. She was trying to put together jigsaw puzzle.
She said, ” It’s a picture of a big rooster, and I can’t get any of the pieces together. None of the edge pieces will fit, Would you please come over and help”
When the boy friend arrived, he took one look at the table and said, “Honey, put the cornflakes back in the box”
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? RUN, she has a grenade in her mouth.
What did the blonde say the first time she saw a YMCA? Look, they spelled Macy’s wrong.
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
50 Terrible, Short Jokes That’ll Get You A Laugh On Demand
1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
2. I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
3. The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
4. A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
5. What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business.
6. What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah!
7. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.
8. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.
9. There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
10. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.
11. So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
12. A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.
13. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
14. Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
15. Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.
16. How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.
17. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.
18. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
19. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.
20. Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
21. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a well known six offender.
22. What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
Read this: 50 Terrible Children’s Jokes Guaranteed To Crack You Up
23. My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.
24. What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyoncé.
25. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana.
26. How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let’s go play on our bikes.
27. What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.
28. What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
29. Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do you drive this thing?”
30. Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.
31. Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!
32. Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!
33. What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowntain.
34. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
35. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
36. Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
37. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
38. I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
39. What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
40. How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
41. PMS should just be called ovary-acting.
42. Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells.
44. Learn sign language, it’s very handy.
45. I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.
46. You want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it’s pretty cheesy.
47. What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
48. Dry erase boards are remarkable.
49. Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
50. How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it. TC mark
50 Terrible, Short Jokes That’ll Get You A Laugh On Demand
Nutsrok 