A woman awoke excitedly on her birthday and announced enthusiastically to her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for my birthday! What do you think it means?”
With certainty in his voice, the man said “You’ll know tonight.”
That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife.
With anxious anticipation, the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled, “The Meaning of Dreams.”
_______
An old crippled man was just about as close to death as possible. His family of five–a beautiful wife and four children–stood around his deathbed awaiting the inevitable. Three of the children were tall, good-looking, and athletic, but the fourth and youngest was no doubt the ugly runt of the family.
“Darling wife,” the husband whispered, “assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if–“
The wife gently interrupted him, and said, “Yes, my dearest, absolutely … no question … I swear on my mother’s grave that you are his father.”
The man then died, happy that he had finally asked the question that had bothered him for so many years.
After the passing of the beloved husband, the wife sighed under her breath, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
_______
A man went to see his Rabbi. He stated in a very serious tone, “”Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”
The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”
The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asked, “How can that be?”
The man then pleaded, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?”
The Rabbi then said, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”
A week later the Rabbi called the man and said, “Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”
The man anxiously replied, “Yes.”
“Take the poison,” said the Rabbi.
_______
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Sam looks around and asks, “Now, who is going to tell the wife?”
They draw straws. Lester, who is always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is.
“Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name–leave it to me.”
Lester walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Lester says, “Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.”
She hollers, “TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!”
Lester replies, “I’ll tell him.”
_______
One day, after a long time in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out, “Lord, I have a problem.”
“What’s the problem, Adam?”, The Lord replies.
“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy.”
“Why is that, Adam?”, comes the reply from the heavens.
“Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely.”
“Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a ‘woman’ for you.”
“What’s a ‘woman’, Lord?”
“This ‘woman’ will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent, she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.”, replies the heavenly voice
“Sounds great.”
“She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.”
“How much will this ‘woman’ cost me Lord?”, Adam replies.
“She’ll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear.”
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks the Lord, “Uh, what can I get for a rib?”
_______
The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”
“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”
“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
_______
A man left work and headed home one Friday afternoon. However, being that it was payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
To which he replied, “That would be fine with me.”
Monday came and went, and he didn’t see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
_______
A man was called into his bank to discuss his accounts.
“Your finances are in terrible shape,” the banker stated. “Your checking account is
overdrawn, your loan is overdue.”
“Yes, I know.” said the man. “It’s my wife, she is out of control.”
“Why do you allow your wife to spend more money than you have?” asked the
banker.
“Frankly,” replied the man with a deep sigh, “because I’d rather argue with you than
with her.”
_______
A well-known couple in the community had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage. One day the husband was asked by a business acquaintance to what he attributed this remarkable success.
“It’s simple,” he said. “Division of labor. My wife makes all the small, routine decisions. She decides what house we buy, where we go on vacation, whether the kids go to private schools, if I should change my job, and so on.”
“And you?” asked the business acquaintance.
The man replied, “I make the big, fundamental decisions. I decide if the United States should declare war on China, if Congress should appropriate money for a manned expedition to Mars, and so on.”
_______
_______
Tom had won a toy at a raffle. He called his 5 kids together to ask which one should have the present.
“Who is the most obedient?” he asked.
The children all stared back at him in silence.
Then he asked, “Who never talks back to mother?”
Again the kids appeared to be mystified by the question.
Then Tom asked, “Who does everything she says?”
With that question, the kids were finally able to come to a conclusion. The five small voices answered in unison, “Okay, dad, you get the toy.”
_______
A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.
She said, “Les’ see now, there’s the twins, Sally and Billy, they’re eighteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they’re sixteen. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they’re fourteen.”
“Hold on!” said the census taker, “Did you get twins every time?”
The woman answered, “Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn’t get nothin’.”
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