joke

Jokes

A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmers yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt. The old farmer said, “Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don’t have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?”

The hunter said, “Sure,” and headed for the car.

While walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said OK, he said “No, we can’t hunt here, but I’m going to teach that old cuss a lesson.” With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule.

As he exclaimed, “There, that will teach him!” a second shot rang out from the passenger side. And, one of his hunting buddies shouted out, “I got his cow!”

A guy gets on an airplane and finds himself sitting next to a talking duck.

A gorgeous young stewardess comes by and asks the guy and the duck if they would like anything to drink.

“I would like a cup of coffee, please,” says the guy.

“And I’d like a can of beer, you ugly pig!” shouts the duck.

The stewardess goes and gets a can of beer for the duck. But she is so shaken by the duck’s rudeness that she forgets the guy’s coffee.

When the stewardess comes back and gives the beer to the duck, the guy notices that she has forgotten his coffee. “Excuse me,” he says politely. “I ordered a cup of coffee, but you seem to have forgotten it.”

“Yea, you piece of s\*\*t!” yells the duck. “And bring me another beer, you stupid f\*\*king mule!”

The stewardess walks away, thinking about how the duck is swearing now. Once again, she remembers the beer but forgets the coffee.

When the stewardess comes back, the guy figures that if rudeness and swearing have gotten the duck what he wants, maybe it will also get him what he wants. “Listen, you dumb f\*\*king b\*\*ch”, he says. “Twice I’ve ordered a coffee, and twice you’ve forgotten my coffee. Now bring me my coffee, you fat cow!”

The stewardess loses her patience. She grabs the guy and the duck out of their seats. Then, with one powerful kick, she kicks open the emergency exit and throws the guy and the duck out of the plane.

As they are falling, the duck says to the guy, “You know, you have a pretty big mouth for a guy who can’t fly.”

Rabbi, Priest, and Minister

A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Minister walk into a bar. The Priest says “I bet I can go up to the bartender, have a few beers, and get out without paying.” The Rabbi and Minister do not think this is possible, so without further wait the Priest goes up to the bartender, has a few drinks and begins to exit the bar, but the bartender calls out “Sir, you forgot to pay for your drinks” The Priest replies, “No you’re mistaken, I already paid, good night” and walks out.

Then the Minister in disbelief says he’ll give it a go as well. So he does the same, goes up, has a few drinks, and begins to walk out when again the bartender says “Sir you forgot to pay for your drinks”. The Minister then replies, “No you’re mistaken, I already paid, good night” and walks out.

The Rabbi is astounded, but walks outside to see his buddies, he says those were good, but I’ve got one better. He walks up to the bartender, has a few drinks when he begins to walk out the bartender calls to the Rabbi and says “Sir, you forgot to pay for your drinks” the Rabbi replies, “No sir you’re mistaken, I already paid you, now I need the change back for my hundred.”

A Priest, a Rabbi and a Minister were all in a boat out in the middle of a lake. The Priest says, “I am really thirsty. I’m going to shore to get something to drink.” So he gets out of the boat walks across the water to shore, gets a soda, walks back across the water, and gets back in the boat.

The Minister says, “I am also really thirsty. I’m going to shore and get something to drink.” So he gets out of the boat walks across the water to shore, gets a soda, walks back across the water, and gets back in the boat.

The Rabbi thinks to himself “pretty cool. I will try it.” So he says, “I am also thirsty. I’m going to shore and get something to drink.” He gets out of the boat and falls in the water and drowns.

Then the Minister says to the Priest, “Do you think we should have told him where the rocks were?”

The Priest says “Nah, It was the only way to get him baptized”

From Uncyclopedia

Good Joke

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?” 

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. 

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.” 

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.” 

Passenger: “Sounds like he was really something special.” 

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right every single time.” 

Passenger: “Wow, what a guy!” 

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. 

He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. 

He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.” 

Passenger: “How did you meet him?” 

Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.

My doctor advised me for stress reduction to listen to opera music

He gave me a CD. I’ve been listening all night but I’m not sure if its actually having an effect. It says on the cover the guys name is Placebo Domingo.

Ok Jokes

A man is sent to prison for the first time. At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, “Number twelve!” The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, “Number four!” Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.

The new guy asks his cellmate what’s going on. “Well,” says the older prisoner, “we’ve all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke.”

So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, “Number six!” There was dead silence in the cell block. He asks the older prisoner, “What’s wrong? Why didn’t I get any laughs?”

“Well,” said the older man, “sometimes it’s not the joke, but how you tell it.”

funny jokes for the office 

  1. What’s the best thing about teamwork?Someone else to blame. 
  2. What kind of award does the world’s top dentist get? A little plaque. 
  3. How does NASA organize a party? They planet.  
  4. Why do I drink coffee? I like to do stupid things faster and with more energy. 
  5. What’s it called when you steal somebody’s coffee? A mugging. 
  6. What does a baby computer call his father?Data 
  7. What’s the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market? Start off with a big fortune. 
  8. Why did the computer sneeze? It had a virus. 
  9. How do you tell if an accountant is an extrovert? If he looks at your shoes when he talks to you instead of his own.  
  10. What does a gossiping coffee do? Spill the beans. 
  11. You know what can really ruin a Friday?Remembering it’s Thursday. 
  12. What kind of sugar does Lady Gaga like in her coffee? Raw raw raw raw raw. 
  13. Why can you never trust spiders? Because they post stuff on the web. 
  14. What is an alien’s favorite place on a computer? The space bar. 
  15. How does a coffee snob take their coffee?Seriously. Very seriously.  
  16. How many computer programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, that’s a hardware issue. 
  17. Who wins in a fight between Sunday and Monday? Sunday, because Monday is a weekday.  
  18. How do construction workers party? They raise the roof! 
  19. What is the best way to criticize your boss?Very quietly, so he cannot hear you. 
  20. What’s the difference between a lawyer and God? God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer. 

Haircut Jokes

Marley stopped at the town barbershop for a haircut.

After thirty-five minutes of snipping and cutting, the barber held a mirror behind Marley’s head.

“How you like it?” asked the barber.

“Real fine,” said the redneck. “But how about making it a little longer in the back?”

😄 😄 😄

Bad Hair Jokes One-Liners

I work at a barber shop and I recently started giving free eyebrow trims to anyone that got a haircut.

Everyone looks surprised.

😄 😄 😄

I got a haircut today, but I’m never going back to that barber.

I asked for one hair cut, and he cut all of them.

😄 😄 😄

My wife gave me a haircut on the balcony outside today.

Cleanup was a breeze.

😄 😄 😄

Haircuts are great because I did none of the work, but get all the credit.

😄 😄 😄

Since quarantine I’ve not had a haircut. Hell, I’ve not even stepped on the scales.

So today I decided to weigh myself for the first time in months.

Who knew hair weighed so much?!

😄 😄 😄

Thought I saw my first super hero today. He was sprinting down the street wearing a cape.

Turns out, he hadn’t paid for his haircut.

😄 😄 😄

I just paid for a full haircut, conditioner, neck and scalp massage, face shave and then mustache trim and wax.

It’s my wife’s birthday and I thought, “What the hell! I’ll treat her.”

😄 😄 😄

1. Two behaviorists meet each other in the street. “Hi,” says one, “How am I feeling today?”

Some time later, they have sex. The other one says, “That was good for you. How was it for me?”

2. Two psychotherapists pass each other in the hallway. The first says to the second, “Hello!”

The second smiles back nervously and half nods his head. When he is comfortably out of earshot, he mumbles, “God, I wonder what *that* was all about?”

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3. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.

4. How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one. All he has to do is hold it in place while the world revolves around him.

5. “Doctor,” said the receptionist over the phone, “there’s a patient here who thinks he’s invisible.”

“Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”

6. Pavlov’s dog to his ladyfriend: “See that! Everytime I salivate, Pavlov smiles and scribbles something in his notebook.”

7. At a job interview for a new receptionist:

“I see you used to be employed by a psychotherapist. Why did you leave?”

“Well, I just couldn’t win. If I was late to work, I was hostile; if I was early, I was anxious; and if I was on time, I was obsessional.”

8. Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.

“What’s the usual tip?” asked a customer.

“Well,” said Johnny, “this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I’d be doing great.”

“Is that so?” growled the customer. “In that case, here’s twenty dollars.”

“Thanks. I’ll put it in my college fund,” Johnny replied.

“By the way, what are you studying?” asked the customer.

“Applied psychology.”

9. A man was walking in the street one day when he was brutally beaten and robbed.

As he lay unconscious and bleeding, a psychologist, who happened to be passing by, rushed up to him and exclaimed, 

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“My God! Whoever did this really needs help!”

10. “After 12 years of therapy, my psychotherapist said something that brought tears to my eyes.”

“What did he say?”

“”No hablo inglés.””

And one last one for the road

A Zen student went to a temple and asked how long it would take him to gain enlightenment if he joined the temple. 

“Ten years,” said the Zen master. 

“Well, how about if I really work hard and double my effort?”

“Twenty years.”

Neel Burton is author of the Ataraxia series.

Dog Jokes

Three boys see a fire engine with a dog go by and discuss what his job is. ‘Crowd control?’ says one boy. ‘He’s the mascot.’ says the second boy. The third boy nods sagely: ‘He finds fire hydrants.’

A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, ‘I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.’

Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a lion?
A: Well you won’t be getting any mail, that’s for sure.

lion-mane-dog-costume-pitbull

Q: Why don’t blind people go skydiving more often?
A: Because it frightens the dog!

Walking past a veterinary clinic, a woman noticed a small boy and his dog waiting outside. ‘Are you here to see Dr Meyer?’ she asked. ‘Yes,’ the boy said. ‘I’m having my dog put in neutral.’

Irish Jokes

An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.

“Lord,” he prayed. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday.”

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: “Never mind, I found one!”

Paddy goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness.

The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.

When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.

The barman says: “Wow! You sure drank those fast.”

Paudie explains: “You would drink fast too if you had what I have.”

The barman asks: “What do you have?”

The guy reaches into his pocket and says: “Fifty cents!”

Seamus opens the newspaper and is shocked to see his OWN obituary.

In a panic, he phones his friend and asks: “Did you see the paper?! They say I died!”

The friend replies: “Yes, I saw it! So, where ya calling from?”

Sunday Jokes

A guy was sitting in a bar, drinking away. Suddenly he says to the bartender, “I have to go home or the wife will be mad”. (at this point he was loaded drunk)He climbed down from the bar stool, and fell flat on his face. The man then said “I can’t walk and I didn’t have that much to drink?”. He gets up to give it another try, this time the same thing happens and he falls flat to his face. He says “I have to get home some way or the wife will kill me if I don’t get home soon”! He gets an idea of crawling home, so away he went crawling home. He crawled up to his apartment and slowely snuck into bed with his wife trying not to wake her. The next morning he woke up to see his wife running in the room. She said “you were out drinking again last night weren’t you!” The man replied with “NO WAY!” And the wife said “YOU LIAR! The bartender just called and said you left your wheelchair at the club again last night”!

SOTALLY TOBER

starkle starkle little twink who the hell you are I think I’m not under what you call the alcofluence of incohol I’m just a little slort of sheep I’m not drunk like tinkle peep I don’t know who is me yet but the drunker I stand here the longer I get Just give me one more drink to fill me cup ‘cuz I got all day sober to Sunday up