memoir

Priest Joke

Three priests went on vacation. Before going to the beach, they shopped for flashy attire, so as not to be identified as priests. As they settled themselves on the beach chairs in their tropical shirts, shorts, beach hats, and huge umbrellas, a gorgeous topless blonde with melon size boobs wearing nothing but a white thong sauntered by, winked and said, “”Good morning, Fathers.” They were stunned.

“What gave us away?” they wondered.

They purchased even more flashy clothing, including sunglaglasses to better disguise themselves the next day. The same gorgeous blonde strolled by, only she was nude this time. “Well, Fathers. Are you having a good day?”

“How in the world do you know we are priests dressed like this? one of them asked.

“”Why I’d know you anywhere! Don’t you recognize me? I’m Sister Angela!”

At Rest

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imageMother, on vacation

Chicken Gizzard and Cheddar Cheese Sandwich

When I was but a child-bride, I yearned to please my handsome husband, so I dreamed of concocting hearty breakfasts, luscious lunches, and delightful dinners. This wasn’t to be. We had wisely married while still in college so were in possession of two things money couldn’t buy, abject poverty and true love. We were just scraping by. After about two weeks, about all we had left in the refrigerator was a half-loaf of bread, mustard, a couple of lonely, frozen chicken gizzards, and an old, dry sliver of cheddar cheese. I fried those chicken gizzards up nice and hard, sliced them as thin as possible, added the slivered cheddar cheese and sat down with My Darling to enjoy the amazing delicacy. It was the worst thing I ever tried to eat. The piquant taste of overdone gizzard slathered with mustard was not a good companion taste for the dried out cheddar cheese. I was never tempted to try that combo again.

Too sore to Cough

imageUncle Albert and Aunt Jewel were dull as mud. All Uncle Albert ever said was “Don’t mess with that!” or “That’ll fall on you.” Normally, Aunt Jewell only coughed and told us to go play outside, but some reason I once spent an endless afternoon with her when she made a point to converse with me. I was impressed when she’d told me an acronym for spelling the word contents. “Coons ought not to eat nuts so soon.” Then she laughed, saying coons didn’t eat nuts, squirrels did. The joke was wasted on me, but I was surprised she had the wit to think something was funny. I’d never heard her laugh before. Her incessant smoking made her rattly laugh sound like nails scratching on tin, She also told me that if you hit the bottom when you were falling in a dream, you’d die, as well no matter how long a dream seemed to last, it only took one second to dream it.

I knew Aunt Jewel had split Uncle Albert and his first wife up. I studied this dumpy, gray -haired, old lady who coughed every breath wondering how he could have possibly have chosen her over anybody else. She whined, stared off in the distance, and never had anything interesting to say. Her only vaguely entertaining attribute was that she’d strung Crackerjack prizes together on a leather strip which she sometimes allowed me to play with as long as I sat on the floor in front of her, though she was oblivious to all my hints that I really needed them.

That pretty much wrapped up my relationship with Aunt Jewel, except the time she fell out the back door. Uncle Albert offered her a cigarette. She cried saying, ” I want a smoke so bad but I’m too sore to cough.” That was the first time I’d seen an adult cry.

Advice for the Groom – from the Bride’s Father Video…

Reblogged on WordPress.com

Source: Advice for the Groom – from the Bride’s Father Video…

Best Left to the Experts

Phyllis Blonde
I am sure the hairdressers among you, as well as victims of bad haircuts, can relate to this sad story. This is my sister Phyllis, over at Anchors and Butterflies. Note the beautiful blonde hair. Wouldn’t you just love to have hair like that? Well, many years ago, in a land far away, she was home from college for the weekend, complaining that she needed a haircut, bad. A person could be forgiven for thinking that she meant a bad haircut I was just the one for the job. I got right to work.

Like all jobs skillfully executed, hair cutting looks easy enough. I’d watched it plenty of times and knew just what to do. I wrapped her wet head in a towel and dragged a comb through her hair, despite her fussiness about a mole and her ears. I kind of parted and pinned and got started.

I did pretty well at first, then took a wild whack on one side, getting it really short. When I tried to make the other side match, it looked awful. It was a mess of gashes and ridges. Her scalp shone through in spots. It looked like I’d used rick-rack to cut a pattern. I felt horrible, but started laughing. For some reason, I still thought I could save it, but the laughing gave me away. She jerked the towel away, speeding to the bathroom to look. When I didn’t hear anything, I dared hope she liked it.

“Wah! Boo Hoo Hoo! I’m gonna kill you!” She came flying out of that bathroom gripping her hand mirror and hairbrush headed In my direction.. She chased me around the house three times before Mother got her stopped. Fortunately, I had a good start or I wouldn’t be here to tell the tale.

Mother tried to calm her with some worthless reassurances like, “It doesn’t look that bad.” and her old favorite, “It’ll grow back.” Personally, I’d as soon have my teeth bashed in as be reassured, “It’ll grow back.”

Phyllis left later that day puffy-eyed, wearing a scarf. Mother had scraped up ten dollars for her to get her hair repaired, reassuring her all would be well. Phyllis skipped her classes the next morning, hunting up a “good” hairdresser. He told her he had seen worse haircuts — but couldn’t remember when.

I would like to have included an after picture, but there wasn’t one.

Thou shalt not thong!

imageThe pastor’s vacabulary could have used a little updating before he addressed his concerns that the young people were taking casual dress at morning services just a bit too far. “I’ll bet half of the young ladies out there are wearing thongs this morning.” Though he was thinking of the ” flip flop” shoes of his youth, not sexy underwear, he certainly had everyone’s attention.

The Paper Plate Outrage

Eavesdropping on planes is one of life’s gifts. First of all, it costs nothing and could be considered a bonus that comes with your ticket. Most importantly, it is totally a guiltless indulgence, though some people might not appreciate it.

Today’s flight was packed. A gentleman seated behind us called a buddy and launched into his sad story as soon as he was seated, talking so loud the entire assemblage could hear.

“Man, I am so hungover and mad I can hardly think straight. I picked up a client for dinner and he wanted to drag a buddy along. I should have said no, but I was trying to be The Good Guy. They talked about his buddy’s divorce all through dinner. We didn’t get a bit of business done. I took them to a strip joint and it was all downhill. We all got drunk and I told him what I thought.

He paused for a bit,”No, I’m going straight to my office. I don’t want to see my wife. I blew up before I left. I came home for dinner and she dished my dinner up and banged it down on the counter. ‘Now, hold on,’ I said. ‘What happened to family dinners in the dining room?”

She got all huffy, moved my meal to the dining room table. Then she went back and started putting the kid’s dinners on paper plates.

“#|%^*!~. £#%~?{, I don’t want my kids growing up eating on paper plates like trash. I want them to remember eating in the dining room on real dishes. I don’t care if the dishwasher is broken. I’LL wash the ——ng dishes if that’s what it takes. I bought you a two million dollar house and I expect you to raise my kids right.”

Lengthy pause, then “I don’t even think I’ll go home. I think I’ll just call her tonight and tell her I’m done. She used to be my best friend. I don’t know what happened.”

Just then the stewardess came by and told him to get off the phone so that was the end of the call. He did apologize saying, “I’m sorry, I’ve got such a hangover I’m not thinking straight.”

Don’t you know his wife was upset when she found out all she had to do was feed the kids on paper plates?

Uh Oh! Busted!

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Mother and I are enroute to visit family in New Jersey. We always get her a wheelchair to make the trip between gates faster, due to her exceptionally “not long” legs. She has trouble keeping up with me, though she is extremely fit. After her wheelchair ride we noticed her pedometer prominently displayed