memoir

Joke of the Day

Monday: Missed the snooze ??

Monday: Missed the snooze ??” hit the ooze button.

Monday 3

'That's the wrong one. Hope you kept the receipt.'

‘That’s the wrong one. Hope you kept the receipt.’

Monday 8Monday 9Monday 5

THINGS YOU’D LIKE TO SAY AT WORK

  • I see your point, but I still think you’re full of crap.
  • I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
  • How about never? Is never good for you?
  • I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  • I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
  • I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
  • I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
  • I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
  • It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
  • Ahhh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again…
  • I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  • You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  • I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
  • I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  • I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  • Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  • The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
  • Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
  • What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
  • I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
  • It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
  • And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
  • Do I look like a people person?
  • This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
  • I started! out with nothing & still have most of it left.
  • Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  • If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  • Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  • Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  • I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
  • A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
  • Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
  • Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
  • Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
  • Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
  • How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  • I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Evenng Chuckle

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enng Two elderly friends, Jack and Tom, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Jack didn’t show up. Tom didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Jack hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Tom got worried. Unfortunately he didn’t know where Jack lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
After a month passed, Tom figured he had seen the last of Jack, but one day, Tom approached the park and — lo and behold there sat Jack ! Tom, excited and happy, said how glad he was to see him, then blurted out, “For crying out loud, what on earth happened to you?”
“I’ve been in jail,” Jack said, with some embarrassment.
“Jail?” cried Tom. “What in the world for?”
“Well,” Jack said, “you know Marilyn, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?”
“Yeah,” said Tom, “I remember her. What about her?”
“Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ‘guilty’.
“And you were convicted of rape?” asked Tom, stunned.
Jack replied, “No, the judge gave me thirty days for perjury.”

A man boarded a train and said to the conductor, “I’m a heavy sleeper.
Please be sure to wake me at 2:00 a.m. so that I can get off in Atlanta. Whatever I say, get me up. I have an extremely important business there!” The next morning the man woke up in Richmond. He found the conductor and shouted, “Do you know how angry I am?” “Probably about as angry as the man I had get off in Atlanta,” replied the conductor

The preacher’s Sunday sermon was “Forgive Your Enemies.” He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 % held up their hands. He then repeated his question once more. All responded, except one elderly lady.
“Mrs. Johnson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any.”
“Mrs. Johnson that is very unusual. How old are you?”
“Ninety-three,” she replied.
“Mrs. Johnson, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?”
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle and said, “I outlived every one of those bitches!”

Afternoon Funny

'I dare you to ask Jeeves about the birds and the bees!'

Bnb 4 Bnb 5

Beatrice wished her husband was around to have 'the talk' with their maturing son, The she remembered his absence was her fault,

Beatrice wished her husband was around to have ‘the talk’ with their maturing son, The she remembered his absence was her fault,

Hoping for a boy or girl?

Hoping for a boy or girl?

birds-bees 1

Until I was eleven the only knowledge I had of how boy’s anatomy was an occasional peek at a little boy during a diaper change and a quick image of a whirling behind if I happened to walk catch a brother, or a cousin sneaking a pee outdoors.  From that, I mainly felt envy that I couldn’t pee on stuff.

Imagine my surprise when my friend Margaret informed me exactly what the facts of life entailed. She even called it “The Facts of Life.”  Her story:  Mr. Brown who topped three hundred pounds easily, took off all his clothes, every night, and stuck his peanut in Mrs. Brown, who coincidentally weighed at least two hundred pounds.  He peed inside her and laid on top of her all night.  I knew this wasn’t possible.  Anybody that walrus laid on all night would be smushed.  Mrs. Brown was not smushed.  She had enormous breasts, and a pendulous belly.  I told Margaret she was lying and went straight to my mother.

I told Mother, Margaret had told me a big lie, the “Facts of Life.”  I guess Mother thought I had gotten a prettier version.  She was annoyed, saying she intended to tell me herself.  She went ahead and gave me her version, involving a boy and girl falling in love and getting married.  True, they did indulge in some “intimacies”, her word.  These “intimacies” would result in a baby.  I was never to even consider such a thing until I was married.

Armed with her confirmation of the truth Margaret had told me, the picture of Mr. and Mrs. Brown burned in my mind, I assured her it would NEVER happen!  They should teach this version in schools.

Quotes of the Day

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'Nope, there isn't any more to life. Hunt...gather...that's pretty much it.'

‘Nope, there isn’t any more to life. Hunt…gather…that’s pretty much it.’

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'Socks with sandals? I guess Socrates' wisdom doesn't include a fashion sense.'

‘Socks with sandals? I guess Socrates’ wisdom doesn’t include a fashion sense.’

'Yes, I can tell you the meaning of life, but then I would have to kill you.'

‘Yes, I can tell you the meaning of life, but then I would have to kill you.’

imageQuotes to Live By

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight,
it’s the size of the fight in the dog.
– Mark Twain

These quotes capture the subtle and ironic nature of life. These are not slapstick funny quotes, but truly wise quotes to live by that convey their important messages indirectly through the use of humor. Mark Twain and Oscar Wilde, among others, were masters of using humor to make important points.

Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
– Mark Twain

Always listen to the experts. They’ll tell you what can’t be done and why. Then do it.
– Robert Heinlein

It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.
– Mark Twain

Life is too important to be taken seriously.
– Oscar Wilde

Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
– Dalai Lama

The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself.
– Oscar Wilde

It is impossible to begin to learn that which one thinks one already knows.
– Epictetus

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
– Albert Einstein

Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.
– James Dewar

Evening Chuckle/Texas Chili Cookoff

'Chili again?'

‘Chili again?’

chili-kebab-bathroom-toilet-humorous-birthday-paper-card-whyatt

Texas Chili Contest

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who has visited from Springfield IL.

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judges table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge 3)

Chili #1 Eddie’s Maniac Monster Chili

>Judge #1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

>Judge #2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

>Judge #3 — (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint on my driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili #2 Austin’s Afterburner Chili

>Judge #1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

>Judge #2 — Exiting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

>Judge #3 — Keep this out of reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili #3 Ronny’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

>Judge #1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

>Judge #2 — A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

>Judge #3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting pie-eyed from all the beer…

Chili #4 Dave’s Black Magic

>Judge #1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

>Judge #2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

>Judge #3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili #5 Lisa’s Legal Lip Remover

>Judge #1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

>Judge #2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

>Judge #3 – My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off may forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili #6 Pam’s Very Vegetarian Variety

>Judge #1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

> Judge #2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

> Judge #3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili #7 Carla’s Screaming Sensation Chili

>Judge #1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

>Judge #2 — Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last minute. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

>Judge #3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are filled with lave to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing; it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 Karen’s Toenail Curling Chili

>Judge #1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

>Judge #2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to REALLY hot chili.

Ask Auntie Linda, November 8, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, I am a seventeen-year-old boy and barely squeaking through high-school, even though I am working very hard.  I manage to get Cs even though I can barely write, but I know I am smart.  I can fix a car, repair a lawn-mower, and do all kinds of repairs on anything that breaks down around the house, mechanical, plumbing, or just plain repairs like windows.  I am a good kid, just rotten at math and reading.  I want to have a good life and make a living?  What can a person who can’t make it in college do?  Not the right kind of smart

Dear Not, There all kinds of smart.  I suggest you check out technical training like welding, plumbing, heating and air conditioner, or engine repair.  There are plenty of technical jobs and an opportunity for anyone with drive, ambition, and the desire to succeed.  A good work ethic might be your greatest asset.  Don’t undervalue that.  If I’d had to depend on my math or computer skills, my children would have starved to death.  I used to wonder the same thing you do, knowing my greatest interest was reading.  I thought writing was too big a hill to climb.  Go for it!  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My mother interferes with everything we do, inserting herself into every situation.  “This is the way we always do it.”  We never have a holiday without them, even if my parents come from out of town.  She butts in on decisions about the children, even discipline, and how we manage our money. She even criticized the way my mother dressed in a mixed group after her last visit.  My mother was dressed perfectly appropriately, just not up to my MIL’s standards.  I’ve told my husband I need his support when his mother interferes but he refuses, blowing it off, saying, “That’s just how Mother is.  Don’t let it worry you.”  I am starting to hate my MIL and am furious at my husband.  How do I get him to support me.  Underdog

Dear Underdog, Tell your husband all you just said, letting him know you will no longer tolerate his mother’s interference.  Let him know in no uncertain terms that he must support you.  If he waffles, next time your MIL interferes feel free to say, John and I have agreed to……….. , and the subject is closed, isn’t it John.  If she persists, refuse to discuss it any further, even if you have to excuse yourselves, or tell her the visit is over, you will see her soon.   Auntie Linda

Afternoon Funny

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Move Over, Medusa, We Got Ya’ Beat!

First Grade School Picture

First Grade School Picture

Repost of an old post few people saw

To curly-haired people Mother might have seemed mild-mannered enough, but beneath her calm exterior she nursed a sadistic streak, committing home permanents with malice aforethought, ignoring her helpless daughters’ protests that “I like my hair this way.” and “nobody but old ladies has THAT kind of hair.” squashing arguments Continue reading →

Buzzy, Congratulating Himself on a Job Well-done!

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When I get lazy about making my bed in the morning, Buzzy comes to get me.  Making the bed is the high-point of the morning, involving considerable growling and tossing of his “babies” off the bed to let me finish the job.  That being done, he encourages me to cook breakfast and load the dishwasher, ever hopeful that he’ll end up with a tasty tidbit.  He’s a pretty good little housekeeping coach!