memoir

Joke of the Day

Cowboy Jokes

Talking Animals

A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Old Friend sitting on his porch. He figures he’ll have a little fun… Cowboy: “Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?” Old Friend: “Dog no talk.”

Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?” Dog: “Doin’ alright.” Old Friend: extreme look of shock

Cowboy: ” Is this man your owner?” pointing at Old Friend. Dog: “Yep”

Cowboy: “How does he treat you?” Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.” Old Friend: look of disbelief.

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?” Old Friend: “Horse no talk.”

Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it going?” Horse: “Cool.” Old Friend: extreme look of shock

Cowboy: “Is this your owner? ” pointing at Old Friend. Horse: “Yep”

Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?” Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”

Old Friend: total look of amazement

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

Old Friend: “Sheep Lie.”

Be Careful What You Wish For

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy’s horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. “Hold on there, partner,” said the snake, “don’t shoot – I’m an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don’t shoot me, I’ll give you any three wishes you want.”

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake’s striking range. He said, “Okay, first, I’d like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I’d like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I’d like to be built like this here horse I’m riding.”

The rattlesnake said, “All right, when you get back to the bunk house you’ll have all three wishes.” The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, “Oh my God, I was riding the mare!”

Lost Control…

At the end of the workday, one cowboy tells another, “That new bull nearly did me in today, pardner.”
“Oh yeah, what happened?” asked the other cowboy.

“I was putting out the feed, when the sucker came charging at me like a locomotive from hell. He damn near got me!” replied the first cowboy.

“So, how’d you get away?” asked the other cowboy.

“The bull kept slipping. He slipped three times, and that gave me a chance to make it to the fence and jump over,” replied the first cowboy.

“Man, that’s scary! If it’d been me, I would probably have crapped all over the place,” remarked the second cowboy.

The first cowboy replied, “I DID! What do you think that bull was slipping in?”

Sweet Hour of Prayer

imageMaggie married Melvin shortly after her first husband died.  Maybe she should’ve waited longer, but she was exhausted after her long struggle to support Ray through his illness and then Little Ray after he died, so she was glad to have Melvin’s companionship and support, even though he was odd from the start.  Things went well enough for several years, but by the time Melvin reached his late forties, he’d developed religious delusions that made him impossible to live with. Continue reading →

Y’all Got a Snake in Y’all’s Tree!

eve and serpentIt’s not everyday one hears a dynamic statement like this! Melvin was the ex-husband of Mother’s old friend, Maggie. A good man, he’d gone just a bit “off the rails” and Maggie, had reluctantly left him as a result of his increasingly fantical religious leanings. Mother and Daddy had long been faithful congregants of their church, only missing services if unable Continue reading →

6 Tips To Hook A Reader on Page One

This is a very helpful post from Carrie Waters

Carly Watters's avatarCarly Watters, Literary Agent

I’ve read thousands of “page ones.” Very often I don’t read page two.

Sometimes all I read is that first page and I make judgements based on what I see there. As an agent and a reader my practice is that if I’m not connecting with the material I move on–and quickly.

I wish I had time to give writers (and their books) more of a chance but I can tell a lot by one page: sense of dialogue, setting, pace, character, voice, and writing talent–yes, usually all from one page. Five at the most.

So how are you supposed to get us past one page?

6 Tips To Hook A Reader on Page One

1. Learn how to balance what readers need to know vs. what you, as the writer, want to tell us. I can sense a writer who is trying to show off very quickly. It really only takes…

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Evening Chuckle

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Ask Auntie Linda, November 4, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  I am a fourteen year-old girl with parents in a miserable relationship.  My father is verbally and emotionally abusive to my mom and us kids.  She can’t stand up to him.  Frankly, even if she tried, he’d out out-shout and out-argue and overwhelm her with cruel remarks about her family, her habits, any old wrongs, imagined or real.  She has no more power in the relationship than the kids do.  I’ve begged her to leave him, but she says she can’t take care of us.  She even said she’d feel guilty knowing He couldn’t take care of himself.  I am not an idiot.  I know it would not help me to run away or rebel against him.  My mother uses self-pity and self-denigration to keep me under her thumb.  “You can’t leave.  I wouldn’t have anybody.  I can’t get a job.  Who would take care of the younger children?  Nobody would hire me anyway.  I don’t have any skills.  I don’t have the clothes to go to work.”  Her wailing and misery goes on and on.

I know I have no choice except to tolerate a miserable situation until I graduate high school.  I am working like a maniac in school so I can get away from this unhappy situation.  Do you have any advice for me.  Caught

Dear Caught,  This is awful, but it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and understand the situation thoroughly.  I don’t know that there is any recourse against being hateful or verbally abusive, but should your father become physically abusive, you could contact the police.  As for your mother, you need to shut the conversation down when she starts manipulating you with self-pity.  It won’t help her or you.  I am glad you have a plan.  It sounds like a smart one.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie,  I love my wife dearly.  She is an excellent cook but a  horrible housekeeper.  I love her, but hate having total responsibility for cleaning the house, yard, and doing the laundry. She says it doesn’t bother her living in a mess and refuses to help at all.  How can I get her to do better?  Messy House

Dear Messy, You may not be able to.  If that is your major complaint, maybe you should take over the housework yourself.  Maybe you would feel better if she took over another responsibility that you are handling now.  Perhaps she could do all the cooking, shopping and bill paying, or some other job you can reallocate.  Unfortunately, millions of people are in the situation of getting stuck with all the housework.  Auntie Linda

Fancy Dan, the Coffee Man

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We splurged and bought a Fancy Dan coffee maker in 1987.  It was heavenly staggering into the kitchen to find a carafe of freshly made coffee waiting at five in the morning.  True love!  We enjoyed it precisely one month before we got a recall notice and a gift certificate for a replacement to use while we waited for the fine new Fancy Dan.  It seems the original was setting houses on fire.

We went into mourning and trashed Fancy Dan, picking up his replacement, a very plain model.  About a year later, our new Fancy Dan arrived.  Dan had our steaming coffee waiting when we awoke.  All we had to do was “sasser and blow it.”  It saved our marriage.  Alas, a mere six joyful months later we received word that this model was also likely to be an arsonist.  Out came the plain old replacement model till we made it to the store with our gift certificate for a new pot.

Since1987, that faithful coffee-maker has one back on the shelf six times, only to be called back into service when the fancy new one failed.  Less than a month ago, we were once again seduced by a coffee-maker with lots of great features.  It had a water filter, reuseable basket instead of filters, several cup size settings, and a beeper to let us know when coffee was brewed.  Of course, it would have our coffee ready when we got up, which by now, we had no intention of using, having no wish to roast in our bed.

We hurried home and moved Old Faithful back to the shelf.  We couldn’t wait for the first pot.  As soon as we hit the brew button, water poured all over the counter.  We reseated the pot and tried again.  We were rewarded with a second gusher.

Old Faithful went right back to work.  When I’m gone, my kids can draw straws to see who gets Old Faithful.  The loser gets the family fortune.

Joke of he Day

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Ask Auntie Linda, November 3 2016

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  I am an average-looking and acting forty-five year-old single woman.  I live in the suburbs.  The boy next door is fifteen.  He has taken care of my mowing and yard-work for three years.  Last week, he came over and rang the doorbell.  When I answered he asked if I’d like to have sex.  I was so shocked, I said, “What did you say?”  He asked me again if I’d like to have sex.  I said “NO!” and slammed the door.  In about five minutes he rang the doorbell again.  Never dreaming it would be him again, I answered.  He said, “Please don’t tell my mother.”  What in the world would possess him to do such a thing?  Puzzled but not Impressed.

Dear Puzzled, Sounds like he watched too many porn movies and listened to too many wild stories.  I wouldn’t be too worried about a boy who didn’t want you to tattle to Mama.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, I went to have my teeth cleaned today.  I’ve used the same hygienist for years, but today she wore my ears out.  She’s getting a divorce and thought I needed to know all about it.  I had no interest in her story, especially when she got to their sexual issues and what she expects from a man.  I was a captive with instruments in my mouth.  I finally waved her down and asked her to change the subject when I saw she was going to keep on.  I won’t be shy about telling her I don’t want to hear about her personal life before we start next time, but surely I am not the first person who got a load of garbage.  I encourage all hostage-holding caregivers and service providers to keep their personal business to themselves.  Most of us have enough on our plates already.  Sore Ears

Dear Sore Ears, That is very good advice.  Airing sexual issues can constitute sexual harassment, whether you offend customers or co-workers and is definitely not appropriate in these situations.  Thanks for writing.

Email your problems and questions to lbeth1950@hotmail.com