memoir

Evening Chuckle

2007-09-29-simple-life-reunion-show

1. You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

2. You’re sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

3. Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.

4. You tune into the easy listening station…on purpose.

5. You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large…In that order.

6. You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle and start singing Kumbaya.

7. You keep repeating yourself.

8. You start video taping daytime game shows.

9. At the airport, they ask to check your bags…and you’re not carrying any luggage.

10. You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame.

11. Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar…a month at a time.

12. At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

13. Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

14. When you do the “Hokey Pokey” you put your left hip out…and it stays out.

15. One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.

16. Conversations with people your own age often turn into “dueling ailments.”

17. You keep repeating yourself.

18. It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

19. You discover the words, “whippersnapper,” “scalawag” and “by-cracky” creeping into your vocabulary.

20. You’re on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

21. You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

22. You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

23. You look both ways before crossing a room.

24. Your social security number only has three digit s.

25. You keep repeating yourself.

26. You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

27. You go to a Garden Party and you’re mainly interested in the garden.

28. You find your mouth making promises your body can’t keep.

29. The waiter asks how you’d like your steak…and you say “pureed.”

30. At parties you attend, “regularity” is considered the topic of choice.

1. You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

2. You’re sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

3. Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.

4. You tune into the easy listening station…on purpose.

5. You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large…In that order.

6. You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle and start singing Kumbaya.

7. You keep repeating yourself.

8. You start video taping daytime game shows.

9. At the airport, they ask to check your bags…and you’re not carrying any luggage.

10. You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame.

11. Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar…a month at a time.

12. At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

13. Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

14. When you do the “Hokey Pokey” you put your left hip out…and it stays out.

15. One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.

16. Conversations with people your own age often turn into “dueling ailments.”

17. You keep repeating yourself.

18. It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

19. You discover the words, “whippersnapper,” “scalawag” and “by-cracky” creeping into your vocabulary.

20. You’re on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

21. You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

22. You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

23. You look both ways before crossing a room.

24. Your social security number only has three digit s.

25. You keep repeating yourself.

26. You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

27. You go to a Garden Party and you’re mainly interested in the garden.

28. You find your mouth making promises your body can’t keep.

29. The waiter asks how you’d like your steak…and you say “pureed.”

30. At parties you attend, “regularity” is considered the topic of choice.

Twelve Great Diet Excuses

Real Life Adventures. Gary Wise and Lance Aldrich.:

Chocolate is a vegetable. How, you ask? Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

Only eat things that have been broken into pieces; that way, all the calories fall out.

Cookie pieces contain no fat — the process of breaking causes fat leakage.

Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

But the doughnut was calling my name.

But it was my birthday, so I had to eat the whole cake.

I had to get the bitter taste out of my mouth from eating the so-called dish, so I had an ice cream.

If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate her with four or five cupcakes.

The advantage of exercising everyday is that you die healthier.

Frank & Ernest

Joke of the Day

imageWhen I Was Your Age …

The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.
“Nothing much, Pastor,” replied one boy. “We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life.” “Boys, boys, boys!” he scolded. “I’m shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex.”
In unison they all replied, “You win!”

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced “One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don’t worry we have three engines left”.
Thirty minutes later, the captain announced “One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don’t worry we have two engines left”.
An hour later the capain announced “One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don’t worry we have one engine left”.
One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said “If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day”

A couple is trying to have a baby. Finally, the blonde tells her husband, “Honey, I have great news! We’re pregnant, and we’re having twins!” The husband is overjoyed and says to his wife, “Honey that’s wonderful, but how do you know so soon that we’re having twins?” She nods her head and says, “Well, I bought the twin pack pregnancy test and they both came out positive!”

The Most Difficult Story I’ve Told, Part 2

Rblogged from My Friday Blog

Southern Fried Catfish

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Deep-fried catfish is a favorite at our house.  Brush catfish with prepared mustard.  For two pounds catfish, I put one cup cornmeal, one and a half teaspoons of CajunSeasoning, and one-half teaspoon onion powder in a quart bag and shake till well-coated.  Best fried in a deep cast-iron skillet.  (I am extremely partial to cast-iron.)

There is an easy trick to getting the oil to just the right temperature.  As the oil gets hot, drop a wooden, strike anywhere match in the heating oil.  It will ignite at exactly 375 degrees, the perfect temperate for deep-frying.  The corn-meal battered catfish sear over when dropped in the hot oil and absorb much less oil.  In a matter of minutes the will be crisp and golden brown.  Put them on a rack to drain for maximum crispness.

Tonight, instead of the French-fries we so admire, I served the fish with oven fried okra,  I just bought the frozen breaded type,  sprayed it with cooking spray, and baked it at four hundred degrees til crisp.  I opened a jar of home-canned bean soup to go along with it.

For dessert, we had a very simple peach crumble.  To four cups frozen peaches, I stirred in three-quarters cup Splenda Brown Sugar, two tablespoons corn starch, and half a teaspoon cinnamon.  I poured in a bowl and topped with a crumb mixture of one-half cup oatmeal.a dash of cinnamon, one-fourth cup Splenda Brown Sugar mixed with three teaspoons butter.  I baked at 350 degrees till top is brown and crumbly.

This was an easy, delicious meal.

Evening Chuckle

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After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. Corona’s president sits down and says, “Señor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. Then Budweiser’s president says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one. Coors’ president says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?” and the Guinness president replies, “Well, if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither will I.”

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But,he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. “Well, you really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where’d you go?” “I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.” “A couple of beers? That’s a laugh,” she replied, “You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?” “What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway?” “Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.”
Vote: +1-1Joke has 81.51 % from 86 votes. Send joke: email
One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says “You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I’m gonna go over there and talk to him.” So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. “Excuse me sir,” he starts, “but I noticed you look just like me!” The second man turns around and says “Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?”, “I’m from Dublin”, second man stunned says, “Me too! What street do you live on?”, “McCarthy street”, second man replies, “Me too! What number is it?”, the first man announces, “162”, second man shocked says, “Me too! What are your parents names?”, first man replies, “Connor and Shannon”, second man awestruck says, “Mine too! This is unbelievable!” So, they buy some more Guinness and they’re talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks “What’s new today?” “Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again.”

As is tradition in Italian families, Marol spends her wedding night in her family home. Her mother sleeps in the adjacent room in case Marol has any questions. Mama tells Marol, “You have any a problem, you come and see Mama.” Later, Marol’s husband unbuttons his shirt, and Marol jumps up, runs next door and cries, “Mama, Mama! He has hair all over his chest!” Mama reassures Marol, “Men have hair on the chest. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy.” But when Marol’s husband takes off his belt, she goes jumps up again, runs next door and cries, “Mama, Mama! He has a protrusion in his pants!” Mama reassures her, “He finds you beautiful. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy.” Finally, Marol’s husband takes off his shoes. Due to a terrible childhood accident, he only has half of his right foot. Marol jumps up and runs back to her mother’s room, shouting, “Mama, Mama! He has a foot and a half!” Her mother gets up and announces, “Stand back, Marol this is a job for Mama!”

Ask Auntie Linda, October, 19, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, I am forty-eight year old widow.  My adopted son will be getting out of prison soon after serving seventeen years for sexual assault and murder.  He is a psychopath.  My husband and I were good parents but Joey had problems from the start. We always knew he would do something horrible and were afraid of him.  My husband died of cancer less than a year after Joey went to prison.  I moved to escape the shame and pain of Joey’s crime.  I am afraid of him and never want to see him again.  Joey has written to family wanting to know where I am.  So far, no one has told him, but I know it is only a matter of time till he tracks me down.  I have a good job and life now and don’t want to move.  What do I do?  Scared Mama

Dear Scared.  Ask to be notified by the prison when Joey is to be released.  It might be best to move and change jobs and notify only family who can be trusted since you fear Joey.  Ask the police for advice.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My parents are in their late sixties.  My brother who has Cerebral Palsy lives with them.  He requires a great deal of assistance.  My father has always been verbally and emotionally abusive to my mother, but now his health is failing.  Mother is caring for two wheel-chair bound adults.  Dad gets meaner by the day.  He refuses to let Home-Health assist with care for either him or my brother, though their care is working Mom to death.  Last week, the brakes went out on the car and Dad refused to put it in the shop.  He sat in his wheelchair and talked Mom through the repair.  He won’t listen to me. Mom is so emotionally battered she can’t stick up for herself.   Where do I turn?  Hopeless

Dear Hopeless, If your father won’t see reason, tell him you will contact Adult Protection, then do it!

Joke of the Day

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The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. ‘We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.’ Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her’ The man said, ‘You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.’ The agent said, ‘Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.’ The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, ‘I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.’ The agent said, ‘You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife home.’ Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. ‘Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks’ he said. ‘I had to strangle that bitch to death’.

Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned. The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body. Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, “Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over.” The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.” The mortician thinks this is strange. Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer takes a look at the face and says, “Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, “No, it ain’t Bubba.” The mortician asks, “How can you tell?” Gomer said, “Well, Bubba had two a**holes.” “What? He had two assholes?!” exclaims the mortician. “Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say, ‘Here comes Bubba with them two a..holes.'”

A woman went to her doctor’s office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?” The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. “Cured her hiccups though, didn’t it?”

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?” “What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you’re bad luck.”

Boy calls 911. Boy: Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what’s your emergency? Boy: The ugly one is winning.

Evening Chuckle

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Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have? A: One that never misses a period.

Q: Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? A: Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards

Q: Why do blondes always want boob jobs? A: Because it’s the only job they are qualified for.

Q: What is every blonde’s ambition in life? A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists? A: The rest are hunt’n peckers.

Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress? A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.

Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her name tag) ? A: “‘Debbie’…that’s cute. What did you name the other one ?”

Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? A: Branch Manager.

Q: Why won’t they hire a blonde pharmacist? A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office? A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses’ faces.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and your job? A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries? A: She has a checkbook.

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde? A: There is a stamp on it.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: Why aren’t blondes good cattle herders? A: Because they can’t even keep two calves together!

Q1 How can you tell if a blonde’s been using the computer? A: There’s white-out on the screen.

Q2: How can you tell if another blonde’s been using the computer? A: There’s writing on the white-out.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer? A: She didn’t like it because she couldn’t get channel 9.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? A: For throwing out the W’s.