I tried very hard to teach my kids to be sensitive, but it was a challenge. When my little one was about three, I was stopped in a store by a friend for a few words. The lovely lady was quite portly. I knew my little one was dying to remark upon the unfortunate lady’s girth, so I shushed her and hurried to get away before her mouth went off. As soon as we turned to walk away, she announced, “I sure was nice not to call her a big, old fat lady, wasn’t I?”
memoir
Afternoon Funny
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”
The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”
Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”
The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”
The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”
The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.”
The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”
The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.” So they asked him, “Well, old timer, what do you have?”
The old man said, “I thought it was gas – but I was wrong, too!”
A group of 40 year old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress’s there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.
Joke of the Day
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the salesclerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 35,” was the reply. “I’m actually 47,” the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, “Oh you look about 29.”
“I am actually 47.” This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants I will be able to tell your exact age.”
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, “OK, it’s done. You are 47.”
Stunned the man says, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?” The old lady replies, “I was behind you in McDonalds.”
After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As soon as he falls asleep, he is awoken by some knocks on the door of the cab.
“Can you tell me the time, please?” asks a jogger.
“Yeah, it’s 4:30,” answers the trucker. He falls asleep again, but he is awoken again by another jogger who wants to know the time.
“It’s 4:40!” yells the trucker. Deciding to really try to sleep a little, he writes on a piece of paper: I DON’T KNOW THE TIME. He sticks the paper in his windshield.
But he is awoken again. ‘It’s 5:25,” says another jogger.
2 girls meet:
– me & my husband are no longer together…
– why?
– well, could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks, has no job and always cusses?
– no, of course I couldn’t!
– well he couldn’t either!
While vacationing in a remote area of Alaska, I met an old mountain man, wise in the ways one need be to live in an extreme wilderness area like he did.
I asked him about the weater, did it rain a lot? He said;
“See those mountains over there” and he pointed to them.’
I replied, “Yes.”
“Well,” he replied, “.. if you can’t see those mountains, that means it’s raining. If you can see them, that means it’s going to rain.”
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.” The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
“Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”
The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”
The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”
Ask Auntie Linda, October 7, 2015
Dear Auntie Linda, My mother-in-law just shocked us by announcing she is retiring, has sold her house, and is ready to move into our basement apartment. She didn’t ask, just announced her intentions. We rent the apartment for five hundred dollars a month to a medical student and depend on the income. Our current renter will be moving out in a month. We did live with her for five years while we were saving for a house. When my father-in-law died, she loaned us the money to remodel our house and fix up the apartment for a rental property that she could move into upon retirement. We haven’t been able to pay her back yet but really need the rental income. We pay four hundred dollars a month for daycare and two hundred dollars monthly for maid service. If she babysat and cleaned for us, we could manage. She will be here handy, anyway. My husband won’t ask her and doesn’t want me to. He intends to get rid of our new car and give up the maid service. I work just like he does. I think it’s selfish of him to expect me to clean house after working all day. How do I get him to see how selfish he is? Caught By Surprise
Dear Caught, Somebody is selfish. Look in the mirror. It’s time to pay the piper and make good on your agreement. Do whatever you have to to meet your obligations. Don’t insult your mother-in-law by mentioning baby-sitting and cleaning. That wasn’t the deal. Auntie Linda
Dear Auntie Linda, My wife and I have been married twenty-six years. Our marriage has been rocky from the start. We haven’t been intimate for years and share nothing except a house. She has had several affairs. We have two children, though the younger was fathered by one of her lovers. I love both, and choose to be their father. I have the opportunity to buy the family farm from my older brother’s widow. It is a great opportunity for me and my son who wants to help me farm it. My wife refuses to go. Is it wrong to leave a loveless marriage to take advantage of an opportunity like this? Need New Start
Dear New Start, How does your wife feel? She may agree with you that it’s over. You need to make a decision that you can live with. What would you want to do if there were no farm? Auntie Linda
Evening Chuckle
Two drunks are waiting at bus stop on O’Connell Street Dublin.
Eventually, a number 13 bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the drunks leans inside and asks the bus driver: ‘Will this bus take me to Temple Bar?’
The bus driver shakes his head and says, ‘No, I’m sorry.’
At this the other drunk lurches inside, smiles, and slurs:
‘Will it take ME?’
Mike and Jimmy were walking home from town after a night of bar-hopping. They had no money to get a taxi and were staggering all over the place when they found themselves outside the bus depot on Danube Road.
Mike had an idea. He said to Jimmy, “Go in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I’ll stay out here and keep a watch for the police.”
So Jimmy went into the garage and was gone for about twenty minutes. Mike was starting to wonder what was taking him so long.
Eventually Mike stuck his head around the door and saw Jimmy running from bus to bus and looking very worried.
“Terry! What are you doing?” Mike asked.
“I can’t find a number 47 anywhere Mike,” Jimmy replied. “The 47 is the only bus that stops at our house.”
Mike rolled his eyes. “Ohhhh,” he groaned, “How stupid can you get? It doesn’t need to be a 47 for us to get home!” He walked over to a bus. “Here, we’ll take this one,” he said. “It’s a number 25. It stops at the roundabout. We can just get off there and walk the rest of the way!”
Siobhan followed her husband to the public house, ‘How can you come here’, she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, ‘and drink that awful stuff?’
‘Now!’ he cried, ‘And you always thought I was out enjoying meself!”
Texan visits Galway – Classic Irish Drinking Joke
A Texan walks into a pub in Galway, Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, ‘I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin’ fools. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back.’
The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan’s offer.
Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good?’ asks Paddy.
The Texan answers, ‘Yes’, and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, ‘If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?’
Paddy Murphy replies, ‘Oh………………. I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.’
Blackie and the Great Diaper Monster
My grandparents, Roscoe and Lizzie Holdaway, a few months after her stroke. She was about 4″8″ tall. Note the large, black purse on her left arm.
Grandma had a stroke when she was fifty-eight. The doctor came out to see her and said she’d never walk again. Ignoring him, she scooted around in an old desk chair for about three months because she wasn’t about to waste money on a wheelchair she’d never use again. After that, she put up with a cane for a few days till she was sick of it, then it was business as usual. Ever afterwards, she was a little weak on the right side and her gait was off a little, but she didn’t let it hold her back. She just carried her gigantic old-lady black purse on the left side to balance herself. She crawled in every time the car started, and made every trip anyone else did, be it the hardware store, grocery store, or vacation. Her stroke just made it a little easier for us to keep up with her.
She lived far enough away that she always stayed a couple of weeks when she visited. Upon her arrival, she insisted on taking over the family laundry, washing, hanging out on the line, and folding. We always had mountains of laundry with five kids, including two babies in diapers, so Mother was glad to have the help. Always afraid the neighbors would talk about her for letting Grandma toddle back and forth with the laundry, she always sent one of us to help. I always volunteered, since Grandma was known to hand out nickels when she was pleased. I endeavored to make sure the other kids didn’t stumble into this gold mine.
The whole time I was growing up, we had a sequence of gentle black dogs, usually named Blackie. I have no idea how many we may have had, but we always had one. Numerous though they had to have been over the eighteen years I lived at home, they all merged into one in my memory. One hot summer afternoon, as Grandma tottered back from the clothesline to the back door, the poor dog must have awakened from his nap in the shade only to see a short-legged, top-heavy voluminous load of fluffy, white diapers advancing toward him, lurching from side to side.
Terrified, he leapt up barking and lunged at the terrifying diaper monster, pushing her over backwards, the diapers landing atop her. Mother had seen the whole thing and rushed out to rescue Grandma from the jaws of the slavering beast. As soon as the dog heard Mother coming for him, he took off. We were all sure Grandma was dead. Mother tore at the pile of diapers only to find Grandma laughing so hard she couldn’t get up. She had to get her laughing fit over before we could pull her to her feet. She was totally unhurt, except for the indignity of wet pants. I can’t speak to the poor dog’s shocked condition.
Afternoon Funny
| Redneck Morals | |
| The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet.
The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude. “That’s OK with me, honey,” says her husband. “I’ll go get some wood for the fire.” About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her ass is blue. “What on earth happened to you dear?” he asks. “Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don’t allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!” “Damn those trouble-makers! I’ll fix them!” the husband shouts. He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar. “Who is the SOB who painted my wife red, green and blue!” he shouts. A huge redneck, about 6′-8,” steps forward, a shotgun in his hand. “I did it,” he bellows. “What you got to say about it?” The husband answers meekly, “I just wanted you to know the first coat of paint is dry.” Redneck: Hurry-up, hurry-up, give me a drink. Fight is about to start. |
Joke of the Day
.A person receives a telegram informing about his mother-in-law’s death.
It also enquires him whether she should be buried or cremated.
He replies, “Don’t take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes!”
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mother-in-law’s!
Two mother-in-law’s!
What is the difference between a vulture and your mother-in-law?
Vultures wait until you’re dead to pick on you.
Vultures wait until you’re dead to pick on you.
Q. What’s the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Read the Label First!
Some actual product warning labels:
On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink –
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. (duh!)
On a New Zealand insect spray –
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
In a US guide to setting up a new computer –
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM
UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Make sense…except these instructions we’re IN THE BOX!)
In some countries (like W. Virginia:), on the bottom of Coke bottles –
OPEN OTHER END.
On a Sears hairdryer –
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
( Now THAT I’d like to see! )
On a bag of Fritos –
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap –
DIRECTIONS – USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
(And that would be how?)
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on BOTTOM of the box)
* DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(oops…Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding –
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
(Are you sure? Let’s experiment.)
On a Korean kitchen knife –
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights –
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to what…use in outer space?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts –
INSTRUCTIONS – OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I’m sure glad they cleared that up.)
On a Swedish chainsaw –
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
On a child’s superman costume –
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
That’s right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
Nutsrok 