memoir

A Hog a Day Part 13

With eons of sermons stretching out before me, life looked grim. Occasionally, there was a bright spot.  Sometimes the preacher told a joke, though they were rarely really funny. I truly enjoyed church music, especially if it was something lively, like “Onward Christian Soldiers.” I sung along enthusically, though lots of the words didn’t make sense.  For the life of me, I couldn’t fathom why we sang about laundry, as in “Bringing in the Sheets (Sheaves).” There was also a Christmas carol about laundry.  “While shepherds washed their socks by night (watched their flocks by night.)  I thought it odd, but so much adults did seemed odd.

One special Sunday, God had a startling surprise in store for me. Mrs. Simmons, the pianist, brought her brother Eddie, a handsome young man, along to play the organ.  His boogie-woogie style hymns were a vast improvement over sedate hymns. I could see some of the old ladies exchanging shocked looks, but  I was entranced.  

I was practically bouncing in the pew when suddenly he dropped to the floor in a seizure.  Mrs. Simmons shrieked and rushed to his side. He rallied and they trooped out, along with the rest of her family.  I was so jealous.  The preacher made an anemic attempt to salvage the service, but his flock was clearly anxious to get out and enjoy a good gossip.  I genuinely enjoyed church that day.

 

Mama, the Twins and Aunt Suzi

My friend Ellen planned to adopt her sister’s Suzi’s newborn due about the same time as her own. Ellen was Suzi’s birth coach and put the newborn baby girl to her own breast at its birth, taking it home with her the next day.  Suzi went back to college, missing only one day of class.

A couple of days later, Ellen sat in the obstetrician’s office, hugely pregnant, nursing her newborn baby girl amidst a bevy of confused pregnant women in the waiting room.  The next day, she gave birth to a baby girl.

The girls considered themselves twins, calling Ellen, Mama, and cherishing Suzi as their favorite aunt. It was a happy solution to a challenging situation.

A Hog a Day Part 12

Church was a trial for me. Daddy marched us into third pew from the front on the right side of church. He’d stomped out any hope of back-row giggling long before. I looked longingly at the lucky, wicked girls happily ensconced there, but had learned not to even ask to sit with a friend. Our family always filed in and took our seats in the same order. Daddy was first with Billy sandwiched between him and Mother. Mother held a baby on her lap. I was in easy reach next to Mother, with Phyllis and Connie, a toddler next to me. Sometimes during the service, Mother and Phyllis exchanged charges.

Phyllis, an adolescent, was the model of propriety, the darling of Sunday School teachers and choir directors. She’d have crawled to church on her hands and knees and sung a solo every Sunday if they’d let her. I compared poorly. Every Sunday I offered up excuses to avoid church. “My stomach hurts. I have an earache. I can’t find my shoes.” That last one was probably true! Billy and I could be depended upon to misbehave if allowed to sit together.

In preparation for the Sunday show, Mother spent endless hours sewing, starching, and ironing frilly dresses for us to show off at church. To ensure total misery, on Saturday night, she clamped me between her knees and twisted my fine hair into tight pin curls as I whined and wiggled. Invariably, she expressed the hope the some day I’d have fifteen girls with straight hair. Ironically, I had one daughter with curls. As final punishment, Mother wrapped my head in a scarf, and made me sleep on those damnable pins. Come morning, I was transformed into a kinky-headed mess in a Shirley Temple nightmare of a dress. I hated it.

The enforced quiet of church sermons was endless. In the days before ADD, I was BAD. My parents didn’t believe in providing distractions for restless children during church, offering up pre-sermon threats and terrifying looks, instead. I completely understood what was waiting at home if I messed up, so I passed the time manufacturing silent distractions.

Mr. Rose and Miss Bessie sat on the pew directly in front of us. He wore ancient gabardine suits with wide ties. He drifted off to sleep as soon as the preaching and his gastric system relaxed. Soon he regaled the congregation with a symphony of flabby farts. Poor Miss Bessie elbowed him to keep him awake and silent, but was no match for his system. It was a fascinating show, made all the more thrilling, since I was supposed to ignore it. How can you not notice farting in church?

 

Quick and Easy Way to Retire Comfortably

Don’t borrow money to live on while you go to school. If you must borrow, borrow only enough for tuition and books. You don’t need cable TV, Fancy cell phone plans, money for eating out or partying. If possible get a dependable roommate. If you work steadily, you won’t need entertainment. Peanut butter, whole wheat bread, and beans are nutritious, high protein foods, and you can keep them in a metal lockbox in your room if your roommate is a moocher.

Buy your clothes at resale shops and Goodwill if you don’t have cash. You don’t need as many as you think, especially if you don’t eat out and party. Take a job, any job, until you get one that pays better. Never quit one job till you have another.  If your boss is an idiot, keep your mouth shut.  If he really is stupid, he will undo himself without your help.

Live without credit cards.  You will probably have to finance your first vehicle.  Get a sturdy used car and drive it as long as you can.  Luxury vehicles are for people with cash and those who plan to go bankrupt.

Start out with a small house.  Pay more than the principle every month.  Don’t upgrade till you have sufficient equity and cash. If you are a couple, make sure one of you can make the note if the other is out of a job or out of the picture.  It happens.

Do without whatever you can’t pay cash for.  You need less than you think. Take care of your vehicles and drive them as long as you can.  Cook at home except for special occasions.  Get a freezer and buy on sale.  Enroll in a retirement plan as soon as you get a steady job at the highest rate you can afford.  Increase your investment every time you get a raise.  Chances are, the tax withholdings will make you bring home a lot more than you thought.

Take the vacation you can afford.  Short days trips to the zoo and local attractions and camping, run far less than cruises and Disneyworld.  Kids love this stuff.

When the kids are little, if you have the opportunity, work alternate shifts so one parent is with the kids as much as possible.  You will save a fortune on daycare and have a better idea of what is going on.  Teach kids the difference in what they want and what they need.  It’s a good reminder for them and you.

Decrease your expectations.  You don’t need all that stuff.  Nobody cares, and if they do, find new friends.

Did I say it was quick and easy?  I guess I was thinking in geological terms.

Best Cat Cartoons and Jokes of the Day

can opener1can opener 3can opener 5can opener 4Funny quotes about cat owners

  • “You can keep a dog; but it is the cat who keeps people, because cats find humans useful domestic animals.”- George Mikes
  • “There are few things in life more heart warming than to be welcomed by a cat.” – Tay Hohoff
  • “The trouble with sharing one’s bed with cats is that they’d rather sleep on you than beside you.”- Pam Brown
  • As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat. – Ellen Perry Berkeley
  • “My husband said it was him or the cat…I miss him sometimes.” – Unknown

Read more: http://therealowner.com/humor/funny-quotes-about-cats-and-cat-owners/#ixzz3sSJa4CMV

A Hog a Day Part 11

One of Daddy’s coworkers also indulged in the hunt. I loved hearing the stories they told.
Slim was a God-gifted liar, so well-known for his lying, that anyone who repeated one of his tales had to buy coffee for the group. One day, Slim came rushing by several of the fellows standing around at work and one called out, “Slim, stop and tell us a lie.”
“I ain’t got time.” He called over his shoulder. “Martin Bishop just fell in Smokestack 19 and I’m on the way to call an ambulance.” He rushed on as the other men took off in the opposite direction to check out the accident at Smokestack 19. They were breathless upon getting there and found Martin hard at work, totally unaware that he’d just been tragically killed. I guess they all had to buy their own coffee.
Slim and his wife, Ida Ruth, had a large family. Like many men of the time, his work was done once he left the job. One blazing August afternoon he came home to find a workman, a man of his acquaintance, digging a ditch that ran along the right of way in front of his place. The man was stripped down to his undershirt in the sweltering heat with sweat pouring off him. Slim stopped to talk and sent one of the kids for a glass of ice water. “Man, it’s too hot for you to be shoveling in this heat. Git on out of that ditch and let Ida Ruth finish it!” I don’t guess Ida Ruth heard about it, because there was no murder.
Mike Parsons had been raised in Arkansas and considered himself an authority on all things Arkansas. No one could mention Arkansas without getting an earful of his knowledge, experience, or connections. He must have had a hundred sisters, since he had a brother-in-law in every town. It was getting a little tiresome and Ray Marshall decided to set him up. “I’m going to come in to work tomorrow telling a wild tale about a town in Arkansas I made up. Y’all follow along and see what ol’ Mike has to say.”
The next morning at work when they stopped for coffee, Ray started his story, “Any of y’all ever heard of a little town up in the Arkansas called Catscratch? I was driving through there one time and………”
Mike Parsons jumped in. “Sure, I been there several times. My sister married an old boy from there. He raises them big pink tomaters just outside Catscratch. They got a real nice little place.”

Start Your Day With the Best Fireman Jokes

Hunting

Three firefighters went out on a hunting trip. There was a rookie, a captain, and a chief. The weather was miserable and they hadn’t seen any deer all day. Finally they came across an old shack where they went inside to play a game of poker.

After loosing a couple of hands, the probie threw down his cards and said “That does it! I am going out to get me a deer.”

Fifteen minutes later, the rookie came back with a nice four point buck. The captain and the chief asked, “How did you get that?”

The rookie replied, “I walked out fifty feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck.” The captain then said, “I’ve had enough of this I am going to get my deer.” He came back a half hour later with a 6 point buck.

The chief asked, “How did you get that?” The captain then replied, I walked out a hundred feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck.

The chief not wanting to be out done said, “I’m out of here, I’m going to bag the biggest buck of the day.” He came back an hour later, all mangled up and bloody. The rookie and the captain asked, “What happened to you?”

The chief replied, “I walked out there five hundred feet, followed some tracks, and got hit by a TRAIN!

 

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman’s hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.

The fireman says “Hey little boy. What are you doing?” The little boy says “I’m pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!” The fireman walks over to take a closer look. “Little boy that sure is a nice fire truck!” the fireman says.

“Thanks mister”, says the little boy. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles.

“Little boy”, says the fireman, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog’s neck I think you could go faster.”

The little boy says, “You’re probably right mister, but then I wouldn’t have a siren!”

 

 

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around.

After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, “All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!”

As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, the president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company’s secret files.

From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone’s amazement the little fire engine raced through the Chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old-timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.

After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous, the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers.

After thanking each of the old men individually, the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, “The first thing we’re going to do is fix the dang brakes on that truck!”

 

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog’s duties.

“They use him to keep crowds back, “said one youngster.

“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”

A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”

The boss of a large company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the computer servers.

He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered on the first ring, “Hello?”

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”. “Yes.”, whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?”, the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.” Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”. “Yes.”, came the answer. “May I talk with her?”.

Again the small voice whispered, “No.” Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there any one there besides you?”, the boss asked the child. “Yes”, whispered the child, “A policeman.” Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”.

“No, he’s busy.”, whispered the child. “Busy doing what?”, asked the boss. “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman.”, came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”.

“A hello-copper.”, answered the whispering voice. “What is going on there?”, asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper!” Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, “Why are they there?” Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle, “They’re looking for me!”

So Much in a Picture

homestead (2)This is a  1904 picture of my Great Grandfather John Dobson Holdaway, his wife, Elvira Perkins, Holdaway, and their three sons still living at home.  My Grandfather, Roscoe Holdaway is pictured in the middle with his bicycle, James Holdaway holding his rifle to his left with George Holdaway on the end, his pet groundhog at his feet.

This picture prompts so many stories.  First of all, Elvira Perkins Holdaway had been bedridden for months.  My grandfather dressed her in her wedding dress and seated her in the chair for this picture.  She died three days later.  John Dobson Holdaway had  been a Texas Ranger and was a Confederate Veteran before marrying Elvira and settling on this homestead in Red River County Texas.  They had twelve children.  Most died in early adulthood.  John Holdaway lived to be 96.

Each of the three boys was pictured with a prized possession:  Roscoe with his bicycle, Jim with his rifle, and George with his pet groundhog.  Just a few days before, the groundhog had caused them some embarrassment.  Great-Grandpa wouldn’t let the boys play cards in the house so they had a game going on the porch when the preacher rode up.  They stuffed the cards in the groundhog’s hole, hoping not to get caught.  A few seconds later an arc of cards flew out of the hole, in full view of the preacher, followed by a furious groundhog.

George, the brother on the end, was gored by a long-horn cow when he was four, leaving him with lifelong disability.  The whole family worked to keep him in school so he could get an office job, knowing he wouldn’t be able to do manual labor.  He worked in the Clerk of Courts office until his death.

Jim, the middle brother, was my grandfather’s favorite.  Most of his stories involved their escapades.

More history on Holdaway family

https://atomic-temporary-73629786.wpcomstaging.com/2014/12/04/john-dobson-holdaway/?preview=true&preview_id=952&preview_nonce=6cc8a550a1&post_format=standard

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The Old Lady the Cow and the Pig

The time in our doctor’s waiting room became unexpectedly enjoyable as we sat with an elderly lady and her family. No one had said much beyond “Good morning” till the elderly lady asked her daughter to push her closer so she could admire the ornaments on the tree the doctor had so generously decorated for her patients’ pleasure. She laughed and said, “I am eighty-three years old. I’ve come all the way from chopping wood to people walking on the moon. Oh, I’ve chopped lots of wood.” As she talked on, she cackled as she told this one. “I’ve milked many a cow in my time, many a cow. I remember one time, I was ‘a milking two titties and a pig was ‘a sucking on the other side.” She had us all laughing along with her. We would have loved to spend the rest of the day with her. What a wonderful visit we had!