memoir

Romance

Romance is constancy, caring, and understanding that we are not always at our best.

Pee pee dance

Bud has four sisters. For some reason, they are all crazy about him, though he teased them mercilessly. His favorite thing was to get all four and his poor mother laughing, knowing they’d all be about to pee their pants. Out of respect, Mom got first chance at the potty and all four girls would be lined up on the side of the bathtub. That’s when he knew he’d scored!

Aaron Purmort

Full Obituary

“Age 35, died peacefully at home on November 25 after complications from a radioactive spider bite that led to years of crime-fighting and a years long battle with a nefarious criminal named Cancer, who has plagued our society for far too long.  

Civilians will recognize him best as Spider-Man, and thank him for his many years of service protecting our city.

His family knew him only as a kind and mild-mannered Art Director, a designer of websites and t-shirts and concert posters who always had the right cardigan and the right thing to say (even if it was wildly inappropriate).  

Aaron was known for his long, entertaining stories, which he loved to repeat often.

In high school, he was in the band ‘The Asparagus Children’, which reached critical acclaim in the northern suburbs.  

As an adult, he graduated from the College of Visual Arts (which also died an untimely death recently) and worked in several agencies around Minneapolis, settling in as an Interactive Associate Creative Director at Colle + McVoy.  

Aaron was a comic book aficionado, a pop-culture encyclopedia and always the most fun person at any party.

He is survived by his parents, Bill and Kim Kuhlmeyer, father Mark Purmort (Patricia, Autumn, Aly), sisters Erika and Nicole, first wife Gwen Stefani, current wife Nora and their son Ralph, who will grow up to avenge his father’s untimely death.”

A service will be held on December 3, 2014.

Hell No, I Just Got Here

Robby Bobby’s school career didn’t really start well. Sharing the same first grade class as his older brother Frank who was giving first grade a second try, he didn’t really get the big picture. He left his seat and headed for the playground when class got dull. Since Frank knew his way around, he grabbed Robby Bobby, dragging him back to his desk. Robby Bobby piled into him and the fight was on. The teacher untangled them, sending them both back to their seats. Shortly thereafter, Miss Burns surveyed the class, going down the line. “Do you know your alphabet? Can you count to ten?” When she quizzed Robby Bobby, he was clearly disgusted. “Robby Bobby, do you know your numbers and letters?”

“Hell no!! I just got here!” he spouted, earning a paddling on the first day of school. News of the paddling beat Robby Bobby home. At that time, a paddling at school was usually followed up by a “whooping” at home to reinforce the point, adding injury to insult. Robby Bobby dreaded seeing his daddy come home. His mama made sure he knew what was coming. Mr. Peters didn’t say a word about school, leading Robby Bobby to hope Daddy hadn’t heard, but he kept quiet at supper. After supper, his daddy took him by the hand leading him to the woodshed, the whooping place. As they walked toward it in the dark, Robby Bobby trembled in fear of what was coming. Daddy asked in his low voice, ”What’s the matter with you, boy?”

“I’m skeert.”

“Ain’t no need to be skeert, boy. I’m right here with you.” Somehow, Robby Bobby didn’t feel much better.

Robby Bobby never really took to school. Following the family tradition, he was held back a couple of times. He roamed the playground, looking for a lone kid to bully. He’d sock them a couple of times, shove them in the mud, or snatch their pants down, whichever seemed best. Joe Brown was one the smaller boys in our class, but had the advantage of having a couple of mean older brothers. He looked like a perfect target. When Robby Bobby caught Joe apart from the rest of the kids one Tuesday morning, Joe’s time had come. Robby Bobby sneaked up, snatched Joe’s cap, and punched him smartly in the kidneys. Joe didn’t know how the game was played. Instead of running off bawling, he turned and beat the phooey out of Robby Bobby. Mr. White, the principal strolled by just in time to see the whole thing. Fighting was wrong. He dragged both boys back to the classroom so we could all get the benefit of the lecture. He droned on and on before getting to the good part…….the paddling. Joe got two lackluster swats for fighting. There was no way around that. Then Joe had to answer the question, ”What did you learn today about fighting?”

Joe shuffled around and gave the stock answer. “No fighting in school, no excuses.” Joe headed for his seat so Robby Bobby could take his turn.

Mr. White gave Robby Bobby five hard swats that echoed nicely off his bony behind, pleasing the self-righteous class since most of us had suffered at his hands. We all knew Robby Bobby was in the wrong. He also had to answer the question, “What did you learn today about fighting?”

Robby Bobby looked thoughtfully from Joe Brown to Mr. White and back before replying, “Don’t pick on Joe Brown. He’s a mean little son of a bitch.”

Who in the Hell is Michael Jackson?

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Sometimes life serves up some incredibly sweet moments.  About twenty-five years ago, I mortally embarrassed both my high school children with no effort or planning on my part whatsoever. I was a dialysis nurse at the time and had worked all night the night before.  I had gone to bed about four that afternoon, knowing I was going to be called back.  At eight-thirty in the evening. The phone at my bedside rang, jolting me from sleep. I was sure it was my call back from the hospital, I was disoriented to hear a radio D J introduce himself. “This is ———- I am calling the Bethea Home in Greenwood, Louisiana, live.  We are on the air.  Is this Ms. Bethea?”

“Duh”. This was not the call I was expecting.  I was brilliant!

“You have the chance to be entered in the Win a House Contest if you can answer one simple question.  Are you ready?”

Remember, I’d just come off a sixteen hour shift and had had four hours sleep.

“Uh. Ok”

“All Right!  Here’s your question.  It’s so simple you couldn’t miss it.  What was Michael Jackson’s first million seller?”  By this time my kids, who were both listening to the radio had burst into the room to try to get the phone away from me, knowing what was bound to happen.

They were too late.  I answered loud and clear, disgracing them in front of all their listening friends.  “Who in the Hell is Michael Jackson?”

Fortunately, I already had a house.

Creepy Jokes

A father and his young son are walking deep in the woods at night with a lantern and a shovel.
The son says, “Dad it’s creepy out here, I’m scared”.
The father replies, “You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk back alone!”.

I used to love building sandcastles with my granny… But my parents thought it was creepy so they glued the urn shut.

I threw a boomerang a few years ago.
I now live in constant fear.

What did Kermit the Frog say at his puppeteer’s funeral?
Nothing.

Jokes

  1. I asked if I could leave work early the other day, and the boss said, “yes, if I made up the time.” I said, “sure, it’s twenty past fourteen.”
  2. Why did the employee get fired from the calendar factory? He took a day off.
  3. A man walks into a bar, and it’s empty – it’s just him and the bartender. He sits down and orders a drink.

He hears someone whisper, “Pssst…I like your tie.” The man looks around but doesn’t see anyone.

“Pssst…that color looks nice on you.” He asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?” The bartender rolls his eyes and says, “No, sorry about that. It’s the peanuts… they’re complimentary.”

  1. Teacher: “Anyone who thinks he’s stupid may stand up!” *Nobody stands up* 

Teacher: “I’m sure there are some stupid students here!” *Little Johnny stands up* Teacher: “Ohh, Johnny, you think you’re stupid?” 

Little Johnny: “No, I just feel bad that you’re standing alone.”

  1. Two antennas decided to get married, the ceremony was pretty boring, but the reception was great!
  2. Phil walks into his boss’s office one day and says, “Sir, I’ll be honest with you. I know the economy isn’t great, but I’ve got three companies after me, and I’d like to ask for a raise, respectfully.” After a few minutes of haggling, the boss finally agrees to give him a 5 percent raise, and he happily gets up to leave. “By the way,” the boss asks as Phil leaves his office, “which three companies are after you?” Phil replies, “The electric company, water company, and phone company.”
  3. Do you know what they say about a clean desk? It’s a sure sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
  4. What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
  5. I phoned a call center today, and it said all the advisors were engaged. I was delighted for them, but my fridge is still broken.
  6. Why did you leave your last job? The company relocated and didn’t tell m

Gratitude

I express gratitude with a sincere thanks and if moved to do so, a return of the the favor, such as not returning a dish empty. For example, if I were given a pie, return the dish with a freshly baked pie. My neighbors ran the weedeater in my ditch. I have to return a kindness. I think I may give their beloved dogs a toy. It will just be an acknowledgement of their kindness.

William Ziegler passed away on July 29, 2016 at the age of 69 “to avoid having to make a decision in the pending presidential election,” according to the obituary written by Ziegler’s four children.

Ziegler’s obituary also mentions his love for the “morons and mental patients” that he served with as a fireman, sending tasteless internet jokes, potted meat and his “alcoholic dog Judge”.

While this obituary is full of humour, Ziegler’s daughter shared with the Times-Picayune the meaning behind the hilarious obituary saying that her father would always email funny obituaries he found online so that they could have a laugh.

All jokes aside, the obituary ends with a heartfelt, “He will be greatly missed.”

Full Obituary

“William Ziegler escaped this mortal realm on Friday, July 29, 2016 at the age of 69.  We think he did it on purpose to avoid having to make a decision in the pending presidential election.

He leaves behind four children, five grand-children, and the potted meat industry, for which he was an unofficial spokesman until dietary restrictions forced him to eat real food.

William volunteered for service in the United States Navy at the ripe old age of 17 and immediately realized he didn’t much enjoy being bossed around.  He only stuck it out for one war.  Before his discharge, however, the government exchanged numerous ribbons and medals for various honorable acts.

Upon his return to the City of New Orleans in 1971, thinking it best to keep an eye on him, government officials hired William as a fireman.  After twenty-five years, he suddenly realized that running away from burning buildings made more sense than running toward them.  He promptly retired.

Looking back, William stated that there was no better group of morons and mental patients than those he had the privilege of serving with (except Bob, he never liked you, Bob).

Following his wishes, there will not be a service, but well-wishers are encouraged to write a note of farewell on a Schaefer Light beer can and drink it in his honor.

He was never one for sentiment or religiosity, but he wanted you to know that if he owes you a beer, and if you can find him in Heaven, he will gladly allow you to buy him another.  He can likely be found forwarding tasteless internet jokes (check your spam folder, but don’t open these at work).

Expect to find an alcoholic dog named Judge passed out at his feet.  Unlike previous times, this is not a ploy to avoid creditors or old girlfriends.  He assures us that he is gone. He will be greatly missed.”

Published in The Times-Picayune on Aug. 12, 2016.