I waste the most time doing housework, maybe two hours a day. It has to be done so I can enjoy the rest of my day, but I’ve never learned to like it. I do, however, enjoy a clean house. I never feel like reading, writing, working in my flowers and plants is a waste of time. Neither is time spent with family,friends, and cuddling my pets.
memoir
Puke
As I walked in my first grade classroom in December 1956, I wondered what all the excitement in the back of the room was about. The kids were buzzing around a mushy, malodorous pile of paper towels on the floor. “What happened?
“Belinda puked!” Jody giggled and pointed.
“What’s puke?” I was glad someone else asked because I didn’t know either. It sounded like a bad word and Mother had so far prevented me from hearing as many bad words as I would have liked.. Jamey Alston picked up the corner of the towel and revealing a puddle of puke, educating me and several others. Nancy Pearson walked in just in time to puke when she saw it.
Everyone but Belinda and Nancy thought it was hilarious. The teacher shooed us out so the janitor could clean it up before someone else wanted to know what puke was. What a great day! I learned a very useful word and the class got an extra recess. I also learned I didn’t want to be a janitor, my first taste of career conseling.
Most days at school were all right. I loved recess and lunch, but they didn’t last long enough. Sometimes the classes got boring and I daydreamed. Miss Angie said I was a scatterbrain, meaning that I didn’t pay attention, drew pictures in class, lost my homework, and chattered to my friends. She even said I could make straight A’s if I only tried. I was so pleased since it was certainly all true! I thought scatterbrained was good till she sent a note home. Daddy and Mother didn’t agree that scatterbrained sounded good and explained it in a way I couldn’t confuse!
Trouble always seemed to be looking for me. How was I supposed to know what I wasn’t supposed to say in class? My teacher, Miss Angie’s face got red when I told her, “My mother said she wouldn’t take her dog to see Dr. Lewis!”
Putting her hand on her hip and snapped at me, “I’ll have you know my daddy is a very good doctor!” Then she made me stand at the blackboard with my nose in a chalk ring. I got in trouble again when I got home and told Mother how mean Miss Angie was to me. After that, Mother called one of the other mothers and told her she wouldn’t be able to help with the class Christmas party the next day because the baby was sick. The baby didn’t look sick to me, but it seemed like a good time to practice to keep my mouth shut.
Kathleen Carries On Part 5 or Kathleen Tries to Takeover Windsor Castle
Windsor Castle Attempted Takeover
It’s not likely you heard this on the news, but I suspect my mother, Kathleen tried to stage a takeover of Windsor Castle about twenty years ago when she was merely seventy-five or so. You see, Kathleen has been jealous of Queen Elizabeth ever since she knew there was such a person as Queen Elizabeth. She was only a year younger and probably a much more deserving person of all that went along with being a princess. For instance, in her pictures, Princess Elizabeth always had curly hair. Kathleen’s hair was, blonde, straight, and fine. Worse yet, Kathleen’s father kept her hair in a bowl cut. She felt sure the king didn’t perch Princess Elizabeth on a stool in the kitchen and lop her hair off. Besides, if it was naturally curly, that was even more unfair, Princess Elizabeth’s family had plenty of money to get her a perm. Kathleen was poor with straight hair.
The magazines were full of photos with Princess Elizabeth going here and there in sumptuous clothes. What had she done to deserve all that fuss? Kathleen worked hard in school, behaved in church, and helped her parents in the house and garden. She was much more deserving. The princess probably did nothing all day except play with snooty kids, go to tea parties, and sit on a cushion in her crown. It just wasn’t right.
Worse yet, when she got married and had children people went crazy for her. Kathleen had five children and had to manage on her own no matter how hard things got.
Considering all this, I believe when Kathleen got to Windsor Castle , she tried to stage a coup. The story I heard was, “We were the last group of the day. I didn’t want to miss a thing, so I put off going to the bathroom as long as I could. I darted in the bathroom for just a minute, and when I came out everybody was gone. I had to look around and find a guard to let me out. It took a while.” I don’t doubt the part about ducking in the bathroom. Mother knows everything bathroom between her own and Timbuktu. The part I don’t believe is the “just a minute” part. We’ve timed Mother. Her shortest bathroom visit is thirteen minutes. I don’t know what she does.
Meanwhile, her tour group was waiting outside, twiddling their thumbs and questioning where she could be. They would have probably left her had my sister not been with them.
I fully believe had that nosy guard not interfered, Mother would have perched herself on the throne.
Jokes
A Guy is doing a bit of fishing, when he notices a massive mud crab out of season…
As quick as can be, he grabs the muddie and throws it in the trunk/boot of his car. At that moment, a department of fisheries ranger observes Paddy, putting the mudcrab into the boot of his car.
“Oi. You can’t do that! I saw what you have there. You’ve got a mudcrab in the boot. It isn’t mudcrab season. I’ll fine you!!”
Paddy says, “No way mate. It isn’t what it looks like. This mudcrab is my pet. His name is Marty. Everyday I take him down here for a swim. I’ll show you.”
So he took the mudcrab and put it in the water. The mudcrab scuttled away and disappeared.
“Well, where is he?” asked the ranger.
“Where’s what?”
A woman who is feeling very ill goes to the doctor.
After a long examination, the doctor says “You seem to have a very serious disease, and I don’t think I can do anything to save you. I give you no more than one week to live”
The woman, desperate, begs him “Are you really sure there isn’t any drug that can help me ?”
The doctor thinks for a minute and says “Well, ok, you can try taking mud baths 5 times a day”
The woman, with a big smile and a new hope says “Ok, that seems feasible. Are you sure that can cure my disease ?”
The doctor answers “Oh no, that won’t cure you, but at least you’ll get used to being in the earth.”
So Fred has accidentally cut off John’s ear with his spade.
John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his spade and cut off John’s ear.
“Help me find it in all this mud,” said John. “If we find it they can sew it back on.”
After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, “Here it is”, handing the ear to John.
“That’s not it,” said John, throwing the ear back in the muddy ditch. “Mine had a pencil behind it.”
There was a ventriloquist traveling in the countryside
He performed at county fairs and would go from town to town in his old van. One day while in the middle of nowhere, his car broke down miles away from the nearest town. He started walking to the town to see if he could get help with his car.
Along the road came a farmer riding a buggy pulled by a horse. As he got close enough, the farmer says “hey there, where are you going?”
“I’m going to the town. My car broke down and I’m trying to get some help fixing it” says the ventriloquist.
“I saw the car and figured its owner would be around here somewhere” says the farmer. “Get on, I’ll take you to my home as it’s getting late and we’re still miles away from the town. I’ll take you there tomorrow”
The ventriloquist gets on and they go on their way. As they ride, they start having a conversation.
“I’m just a farmer, I live out here with my animals. My horse, pigs, chickens, goat. What do you do?” asks the farmer.
“I’m a veterinarian” says the ventriloquist. “I have a special gift, I can talk to animals and that helps me understand what’s wrong with them.”
The farmer is in disbelief. “Ain’t no way you can talk to animals! Can you talk to my horse? What does he have to say about me?”
The ventriloquist says “Sure enough. Talk to me horse, let your owner hear what you have to say. What do you think about him?” The ventriloquist, using his ventriloquism, makes the horse talk. “He’s a good owner neighhh, he feeeds me and treats me well brrr”.
The farmer is incredulous. He cannot believe what he just heard. They get to his house and immediately goes and grabs a pig. “What does this pig have to say?” asks the farmer.
“My master is a good master oink, he makes sure my mud is always fresh oink”
The farmer is in shock! As he takes the pig away, he turns around and looks at the ventriloquist and says “Feel free to make yourself at home, and talk to the animals all you want. Except for the goat, she’s a liar, don’t believe a thing she says!”
I Love Mr. Henry
Mr. Henry was the one admitted as a patient, but the nurses took care of Miss Alice, too. Mr. Henry had to have been in his late forties when he married simple-minded little Miss Alice, a girl of fourteen. Nowadays, that would have been a case for the courts, but when it happened back in the sixties, there was no one to speak for Miss Alice. They’d been married more than thirty years when I knew them and appeared to dote on each other. Miss Alice never voluntarily left his side, except to go down to the courtyard to bum cigarettes from patients and staff smoking in the long ago days when hospitals had smoking areas. Sometimes she even talked folks out of a little money. After a successful run, she’d bring a couple back up to him to smoke in the room. Miss Alice ended almost every conversation with, “I love Mr. Henry
Knowing Miss Alice didn’t have money to eat in the cafeteria, the staff always slipped her the “extra tray.” She also knew her way around the kitchen and dipped into the popsicles, ice cream, juice, and milk for herself and Mr. Henry. Over the three or four years I cared for Mr. Henry, I saw him get sicker and sicker. Though he loved Miss Alice, he was a horny old-goat. Staff had to dance to keep from being patted and pinched, but he was savvy enough not to do it in front of Miss Alice. She told us she’d whipped a couple of women over Mr. Henry. I, for one, didn’t want to get patted and “whipped.” One day, he had a seizure. We initiated resuscitation and worked to get him back. The first sign of success was when he squeezed a nurse’s breast while she was trying to get his blood pressure. We felt pretty sure he was back to normal, then.
Even though he was an unapologetic, old lecher, we were fond of Mr. Henry, probably because we loved Miss Alice. One day, I heard Mr. Henry had died. I’ve wondered so many times how Miss Alice fared after his death.
She loved Mr. Henry.
Favorite Food
Crisp, golden brown, fried chicken! There was nothing so delicious as Mother’s fried chicken. Fortunately for her family, Mother loved chicken and the price was right. Sometimes she could get it for Twenty-five cents a pound, so we got lots of fried chicken. Paired with mashed potatoes , gravy, and biscuits, it was a mouth watering meal. With five kids around the table, that chicken disappeared in a heartbeat. The added treat was the scrambles left on the platter. Thanks Mother!
Bumps in the Road Part 7
Roscoe married Lizzie Perkins from a prominent family in Virginia. She had obtained a teacher’s certificate and was hired at a school. Sadly, her father, a schoolboard member, interfered, put a stop to that. He didn’t want the neighbors to think he couldn’t support his daughter. At twenty-two, she married Roscoe and moved to Texas. He was an excellent farmer. Though many went hungry during The Great Depression, his family never went hungry. Fortunately, they lived in East Texas, not The Dustbowl. He and Lizzie never owned a farm, just rented.
Kathleen was born into a quiet, well-respected family. Roscoe Holdaway was one of twelve children born to John Holdaway and Elvira Perkins Holdaway. John was a Texas Ranger who was conscripted, along with his entire company, into the Confederate Army.
Kathleen was the third of their children, born to them late in life, sheltered but not spoiled, an excellent student and a regular at church. After completing the ten grades at Cuthand School, her parents rented a house in Clarksville, Texas so Kathleen could graduate. She lived with her sister Annie who had just been discharged from Women’s Army Corp her senior year. Annie worked at the phone company. The girls boarded at the local hotel. It was the best time of Kathleen’s life. While attending high school, she worked at a nearby cafe for two dollars and a meal every shift.
Turkey in the Bra
Most nurses have to work half the holidays. It’s a fact of life. That means, you’re also working with a lot less help on those days, not always the best situation. Patients need the same care as any other day. Since Bud and I were both nurses, we just planned our celebrations around the holiday, not a bad idea, anyway, since our many siblings had other family to visit. One Thanksgiving, I was the only nurse working in the hemodialysis unit, assisted by a technician. I made sure my patients knew when they were scheduled, so their family could have an uninterrupted visit, hoping not to cut a family visit short. It’s a bad idea for a patient to eat a heavy meal before a dialysis treatment, so I always encouraged them to have no more than a light snack, to avoid a vomiting episode. Patients who eat a large meal are very likely to throw up during their treatment.
The patient I had scheduled for one o’clock just couldn’t resist the delectable Thanksgiving Dinner his family had brought from home. He had turkey, dressing, green beans, and pecan pie. After a preliminary conversation and pretreatment assessment, I asked if he’d had a snack before coming. “Oh yeah, I had a little bite of turkey.”
I got his treatment started and all was well for a few minutes, then the truth came out about his hearty lunch, literally. He started heaving. The whole menu was presented, dessert first, since it was on top. Pecan pie is not appealing the second time around. Turkey and dressing came up next, followed up by green beans. He filled his own lap and the blanket covering him, with plenty to spare. As I cleaned him up and got him into a fresh gown, he served up seconds. This time it was turkey, green beans with a few bits of egg. Fortunately for him, I caught most of it in a towel. The rest splattered me. He felt much better with his stomach empty and went right to sleep.
I always had extra scrubs in my locker for just such an occasion. While the technician watched the patient, I ducked into the staff bathroom. I peeled the disgusting clothes off, trying to avoid getting the mess on myself. I scrubbed myself, but didn’t have a fresh bra. I swabbed the drenched one the best I could with a washcloth, and put on fresh scrubs over my bra. I knew I smelled sour, but there was nothing else to be done.
We finished his treatment, uneventfully. Hours later I got home. The kids told me I stunk. The dog agreed. He couldn’t leave me alone, burning to investigate the intriguing aroma. I couldn’t wait to shower. When I peeled off my bra, turkey and green beans tumbled out. They’d left an imprint. Bud was repulsed. The dog was entranced, gobbling them right up.
Kathleen Carries On Part 4 or Locked in a Museum Garden
Mother was showing her septuagenarian visitors around town when they made a late afternoon stop at the museum garden. One of her visitors had a bad foot and was on a cane, so she thought a gentle stroll would be just what they needed while they killed time waiting to go to Cracker Barrel, the designated old folks watering hole.
Mother led them from one unique corner in the garden after another. She is an enthusiastic host, if nothing else. Eventually, Cracker Barrel’s siren song wooed them. They made for the tall wrought-iron gates, only to find them locked. They’d overstayed visitor’s hours and were incarcerated.
There was nothing to do but call 911. The ladder truck showed up to hoist the seventy-somethings over the fence. It took some maneuvering but the firemen eventually even liberated the lady with the cane and the bum foot. A good time was had by all! The firemen had a good laugh at their expense. They’d certainly worked up a good appetite by the time they finally got to Cracker Barrel.
Nutsrok 