I was reporting back to a doctor on his agitated emergency room patient I had just been caring for. Meaning to say, “He was really bucking and fighting.” I got tangled up and said “f–cking and biting.” Trying to recover before the doc reacted, I snapped back,” but fortunately I didn’t get bit!”
memoir
Jokes
The doctor took his patient into the room and said, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
“Give me the good news,” said the patient.
“They’re going to name a disease after you.”
How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
That depends on whether the light bulb has health insurance!
You might be a E.R. doctor if …
Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
You say to yourself “great veins” when looking at complete strangers.
You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say “I have no idea how that got stuck in there!”
Your immune system attacks a dog crossing your front lawn.
A seven-year-old girl told her mom, “A boy in my class asked me to play doctor today.”
“Oh, dear,” the mother sighed nervously. “Tell me exactly what happened, darling.”
“Oh, not much. He made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: “Doctor, I have an ear ache.”
2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”
1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2000 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”
A man comes to the doctor desperate for relief from chronic migraine headaches. When the doctor takes a look at his medical history, he discovers that his poor patient has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. “Listen,” says the doctor. “I have migraines, too … and I’m going to give you some personal advice. There are no clinical studies to back this up, but this is what I do for my own migraines, and it works for me. When I feel a migraine coming on, I go home, take a nice hot bath and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand … especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex … and this almost always cures my headache. Give it a try and come back in six weeks.”
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a huge grin. “Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I’ve had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!”
“Well,” says the physician, “I’m glad I could help.”
“By the way, Doc,” the patient adds, “You have a really nice house.”
An elderly woman walks into a plastic surgeon’s office and tells him she wants a facelift. He says “Well, we have three options. The first is for $1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years and the last is $5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years.”
The old lady says “Well tell me about the various procedures.”
The doctor says, “For $1000 I can take a few years off and smooth out your wrinkles, but you’ll need to have the procedure repeated year.”
“Forget that one,” she says. “What about the other options?”
“For $3000,” the surgeon explains, “I can do a much better job. I can take twenty years off your face, but you’ll still need a touch up every three years or so.”
“No, that’s no good either,” the woman complains. “What about the last option?”
“For $5000,” the doctor replies, “you are going to get the best facelift modern medicine has to offer, with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery technology. I’ll attach a screw to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging, you can come back in and I’ll tighten the screw.”
The old lady is delighted and has the surgery, but about 6 months later she returns to the office very upset. “Doctor, I want my money back!” she cries. “I look horrible! Look at these bags under my eyes!”The doctor leans back in his chair and says, “Lady, you aren’t getting anything back. Those bags under your eyes are your tits and if you keep turning that screw you’re gonna have a mustache.
Perfect Timing
Life presents us some perfect moments it would be a sin to ignore. Bud, my husband of fifty-four years, and I were walking across a parking lot on a drizzly day when Bud noticed my boot lace was flopping. “Tie your shoe!”
“I’ll tie it when I get inside. I’m not standing in the rain to tie it,” I spouted.
“Stop! You’re gonna break your dang neck! I’ll tie it!”. He dropped to his knee on the wet pavement to tie it just as two men walked by.
“No,” I protested. “I won’t marry you! Now get up.”
They burst into laughter as they passed us.
Can You Give Me Some Clothes?
I had the privilege of being an acute dialysis nurse for more than twenty years. I cared for many of them from the time they initiated care and saw them on follow up admissions. We exchanged stories about our lives, families, and even exchanged pet stories. I loved them, even if they were difficult, and many(but not all) loved me. One day, one of my favorites, Mrs. Smith, was in the hospital, again. All my patients will be identified as Mr. or Mrs. Smith for the sake of privacy.
After I initiated her treatment, we chatted a bit like we always did. Out of the blue, she asked me, “Can you bring me some of your clothes? I ain’t got nothing to wear home.”. We were of an approximate size.
Shocked, I asked. “Why on earth don’t you have anything to wear home? What happened to the clothes you wore when you came in? Can’t your family bring you some when they come to get you?”
“No, they all got burnt up.”. She was cool as a cucumber.
“Your family all got burned up? I didn’t hear anything about that!”. I was horrified by her terrible news.
“No, my clothes all got burnt up when my house burnt down. The ambulance brung me in. I was in my nightgown. I ain’t got nothing left. I don’t even have a robe and I’m cold up in that room.” She explained calmly.
“Oh Mrs. Smith. That’s awful. I’m so sorry. Of course I’ll bring you some of my clothes. I have a sweater in my locker I’ll send back up to the room with you.” I felt so bad for her.
I got the the sweater and called Kate, our excellent social worker. It was after four and community services were closed for the day. Kate jumped on the problem. She raided Lost and Found and found her a couple of robes, some slippers, and underwear. She even came up with a wristwatch and reading glasses. Mrs. Smith was so pleased. I went through my closet that evening. Tiptoeing Into Mrs. Smith’s room before she awoke, I left her bag of outer clothes, shoes, and a coat. Kate didn’t let any grass grow under her feet. She accessed community services first thing the next morning amassed a good bit of help. About ten, The Red Cross called back.
Before Kate could complete her request the representative cut her off. ” Is that Mrs. Mary Smith who lives at …..
“Yes it is,” answered Kate.
“Ma’am. She’s confused. She asks everyone she meets for help. Her house burned down over a year ago. She lives at Golden Oaks Nursing home now.” They informed her.
Kate couldn’t wait to get back to me, telling me her news. I guess that’s why we didn’t hear about the fire, but she did get a nice collection of goodies out of the deal.
Cat Cartoons Today
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Doctor Jokes
“Doctor, doctor! Come quick. Little Johnny just swallowed a razor-blade.”
“Don’t panic, I’m coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?”
“Yea, I shaved with the electric razor.”
“Doctor, doctor, You’ve got to help me! I just can’t stop my hands from shaking!”
“Uh oh! Do you drink a lot?”
“I try, but I spill most of it!”
“Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
“Yes, of course…”
“Great! I never could before!”
A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are five minutes apart!”
“Calm down. Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.
“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”
CATcerto, a Heartwarming Special Arrangement, Featuring Nora (a cat)
Nora the cat became an internet sensation for her piano-playing skills, which led to a unique collaboration with Lithuanian composer and conductor Mindaugas Piečaitis. He created a piece called “CATcerto,” which is a special arrangement that incorporates Nora’s piano playing into an orchestral performance. Here are some details about this remarkable performance:
- Performance: The original performance of CATcerto took place on June 5, 2009, with the Klaipeda Chamber Orchestra.
- Composition: Mindaugas Piečaitis composed the piece specifically to accompany Nora’s piano playing, which was recorded and played back during the orchestra’s live performance.
- Popularity: The video of the performance has garnered millions of views on YouTube, making it a viral hit.
- Significance: This event is significant as it showcases the intersection of animal behavior, music, and technology in a creative and entertaining way.
The performance has been appreciated by audiences worldwide for its charm and the novelty of featuring a cat as a soloist in a classical music setting.
This Chick Ain’t No Chicken
My niece sent me this. The noise in the background is the mower. This badass chicken is making short work of this snake! I even felt sorry for the snake. Sadly, there weren’t enough snakes to go around.
Bumps in the Road Part 3
At one desperate point, while Eddie was about the slow business of dying at Grandma Swain’s, Mettie gratefully moved her family to her brother Albert’s recently acquired farm, miles and miles from town. Red dust fogged up with the rare passing conveyance. In foul weather, the red dirt road was impassable. There was no possibility of the kids attending school since the nearest bus stop was ten miles away where the dirt road joined a hard surface road. School attendance was not mandatory at this time.
Mettie’s focus was on survival. Fortunately, in addition to the farmhouse he and his wife moved into, a battered, unpainted house was available for the poor band. Had Mettie not been in such need, he would have used it as a barn Again, it was free. They could get milk and butter from Albert’s cows if Mettie helped with the milking. Albert’s wife, Mary, kindly passed along a hen with twelve chicks and young rooster. They could eat from Mary’s garden if she and the girls helped with gardening and canning. Of course they would! They settled in the hovel where wind sailed through the rickety walls and rain poured through the leaky roof. The uncles put the boys to cutting and splitting wood for shingles, then set them to roofing. A toilet leaned crazily out back, but the deep well provided cool,clean water. Of course the rural farm had no utilities, no matter, since Mettie hadn’t funds to pay. Her brothers, Willie and Albert, did what they could to help, from plowing her garden, providing her a pig to fatten and slaughter in the fall. Willie traded a fine sow with a litter of pigs and gifted her bony milk cow. Fortunately, when the old cow freshened, it was a heifer, ensuring Mettie would have a young cow to replace the old one at her inevitable This was a Godsend. A family without a milk cow was in trouble.
When Eddie eventually died in 1937, the four younger children qualified for seventy-four dollars a month Aid to Dependant Children. Mettie was able to move to a better house near town so the little girls could go to school. Mettie had a penchant for moving till the day she died. Daddy said she’d start crying and nothing would satisfy her till she got to move. No doubt, she had mood issues.
The same year the family got on “relief,” her eldest son joined Civilian Conservation Corp for which he was provided clothes, wages, food, and lodging for working on government conservation projects. He was paid the princely sum of thirty dollars a month, twenty-five of which went directly to his mother. Three years later, the second son joined. The boys had never lived dressed or lived so well. At thirteen, Daddy was six feet tall. He was able to pass for fifteen, snagging a job on an nearby oil rig as a night watchman. He slipped home most nights to eat a late supper. All three boys had given up school long ago to look for work. At any rate, Daddy said they couldn’t face the taunting of hateful kids over their bedraggled clothes.
Nutsrok 