memoir

Fifty-Two Pies

I love a well-stocked pantry. It makes me feel good to can and freeze food so that I can pull out good, wholesome “fast food” to serve at a moment’s notice. My husband, Bud loves pie. One summer, we had a bumper crop of butternut squash, so I reasoned it would be a great idea to make some of these up into pies and freeze them. I rolled
enough piecrust to build a driveway, prepared large kettles of pie filling, and kept my oven going till I had fifty-two beautiful butternut pies ready for the freezer. My kitchen looked like a bomb had gone off, but I was proud of those pies as I wrapped them and stacked them in the freezer, anticipating the pleasure of pulling out a pie from time to time to enjoy after a good meal with family and friends, along with a good story.

It didn’t exactly work out as I planned. I hadn’t taken Bud’s love of pie into consideration but I did get a good story out of the deal. Bud was delighted with “his” pies. All the food at our house undergoes an immediate conversion the minute it is cooked and becomes “his” as in, “Is there any more of my apple pie?” or “Who ate the last piece of MY pie?” I wouldn’t dream of making a dessert to take to work without making an identical one for home. I don’t know if he would be more hurt if I “ran around” or “cooked around” on him. He still hasn’t forgiven me for giving away a strawberry-rhubarb pie over twenty years ago and still brings it up regularly.

Anyway, Bud and I had pie after dinner that night. It was delicious. He finished the pie off the next day after lunch. When he went to get “his” pie after dinner that night and found the pies all frozen, he was horrified. I explained to him, again, that I made them to freeze and serve over the next few months. Apparently, my first explanation had gone straight over his head, like so much of my mindless babbling. (We’ve been married fifty-four years That’s how it works.) Frozen, in relationship to food he was planning to eat right then, is the F word at our house. We try to avoid it.Heartbroken and betrayed, he self-righteously pulled a pie from freezer and left it on the counter to thaw overnight. He consoled himself with butternut squash pie for breakfast the next morning, adding it to his new breakfast menu. That was just the start. Unless there was another dessert on the menu, you can bet Bud had butternut squash pie, sequentially going through that mountain of pies in less than three months. When I had the satisfaction of eating the last, lonely piece of the final pie, Bud spoke what were very nearly his last words, “You ate my pie!”

All’s Fair

A trucker stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to dig in, three bikers stomped in.

One stared him down, grabbed his cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker’s coffee, and the third gobbled down his pie. The truck driver didn’t say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, “He ain’t much of a man, is he?”

“He’s not much of a driver, either,” the waitress replied. “He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles.”

Louie, Louie!

Louie was an amazing stature of a man in stature though not in intellect. Sadly, he was developmentally about three-years-old and spoke in broken phrases at a very low level of understanding. Louie and his ancient mother lived in a battered old house not too far from us. I only saw his mother a few times as she hung on to the door frame shouting out terse commands at him. “Hush up that dog!” “Go git the mail and don’t drop none of it!” “Fetch me six taters out of the tater house.” She resembled nothing so much as a witch. The only visitors the old lady had were her son and his family who lived across the road. The two small boys played happily up and down the road, totally unconcerned with traffic. Neighbors voiced concerns the kids would be run over but the last I heard, thy’d outlived the neighbors who’d had to dodge then.

In that day, most kids were free-range, kicked outdoors to play first thing in the morning. Mothers locked the screen doors behind them, only letting kids in for bathroom privileges or lunch. They knew to refresh themselves at the garden hose to the mantra of “….and I’ll skin your hide if you leave that water running.” Sadly, my mother was conscientious and made us play in our own yard. It was a sad thing to look over our picket fence to see the other kids enjoying a life of total freedom. Most were only called in for supper.

When he was free from his mother’s demands, Louie roamed the neighborhood dressed in overalls and white Tee-shirt just poking around the neighborhood, going to the store with a note from his mother, or walking down the railroad track to town. It’s unlikely Louie had a friend.

Disconcertingly, Louie was known to open unlatched doors in the neighborhood. Should a neighbor neglect to latch her screen door, He was well-known to open the door, so she walk in and pick up a leftover biscuit or pancake left on the stove for kid’s snack. It must have been terrifying to turn and find a behemoth of a man standing silently behind you in your kitchen.

Louie’ mother was totally unconcerned. “He ain’t hurting nothing.“

The city marshall shared her opinion. “He ain’t never hurt nobody. Just lock your door.” Neighbors warned newcomers. The general opinion was,”If you don’t want Louie walkin’ up on you, lock your door.”

Nurse’s Nightmare

Even though I’m long retired I am long retired, I still torment myself with the occasional work anxiety dream. Last night, I treated myself to another.

I found myself back in my unit, desperate over the late start. Once there, instead of the highly trained, caring, and professional staff I expected, I was met by a madhouse of crazed clowns led by Nurse Ratched and the psychotic nurse Annie Wilkes, from the movie, Misery. Patients were lying on the floor, falling out of bed, and dumped into trash cans, arms and legs askew. The macabre nurses blocked me at every turn as I struggled to rescue patients. The unit was littered with feces, blood, and filthy dressings strewn on the floor, a nurse’s worst nightmare.

If that weren’t enough, just as the madness peaked, the CEO of nurses marched in, leading a group from Joint commission of American Hospitals, an unannounced visit to rate our services. I’ve never met any hospital staff who don’t dread this. When I saw their stern faces, I realized I’d forgotten to renew my nursing license. The CEO gestured to an officer. “Book’er Danno”

I was so glad to wake up.

Nurse Jokes

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar. The nurse sits down and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!” The doctor says, “Give me a rum and coke!” The anti-vaxver says, “No shots for me.”

The nurse told the new parents of a newborn. “You have a cute baby.” The smiling husband said, “I bet you say that to all the parents.” “No,” she replied, “just to those whose babies really are good-looking.” The husband again asked, “So what do you say to the others?”

“He looks just like you.”

Looking for Jesus

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the River.

He staggered into the water and stood next to the Preacher.
The minister noticed the old drunk and says, “Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk looks back and says, “Yes, Preacher… I sure am.”
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right backup. “Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asked.
“No, I didn’t!” said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?”
“No, I did not, Preacher?”
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My God man,have you found Jesus yet?”
The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher… “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

Oh Captain

A pirate ship appears on the horizon. The captain says “Bring me my red shirt!” The first mate fetches the shirt and the captain successfully leads an attack on the pirates and sinks their ship.

One of the sailors asked the captain “Why do you wear a red shirt in battle?” The He responded “because if I am wounded, you will not see blood and will continue to fight as if nothing is wrong.” The crew was astounded at his bravery.

Later, twenty pirate ships appeared on the horizon. The men looked to their captain, waiting for the request that brought everyone so much strength. The captain looked at the horizon and said, “Men, bring me my brown pants!”

Here boy!

Paddy is extremely upset when his dog runs away. 

His wife says to him “Paddy, why don’t you put an ad in the paper?”

Paddy thinks that this is a great idea so he proceeds to do so.

Paddy hasn’t heard anything back from the ad in weeks when his wife asks him “What did you you put in the ad for our missing dog Paddy?”

“Here boy!”

Here, Boy!!

A woman walks into a psychoanalyst’s office and says, “Doctor, my husband thinks he’s a dog! Please help.”

The doctor pats the couch., “Okay, Buddy, hop up here.”

The woman quickly snapped back, “Oh no, he’s not allowed on the couch!”