memoir

Croc and the Doc

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Very Best Jokes about Aging

imageimageimageimageimageimageimageimageTop 10 Best Old Age Jokes
#10

Two senior ladies met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, “You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well planned life?”

“Oh yes,” said her friend. “My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; ,my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I’m married to an undertaker.”

Her friend asked, “What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?”
“One for the money, two for the show. three to get ready and four to go.”
#9

A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line for hours, he finally arrived at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked for his identification to verify his age and, after looking in his pockets, he realized that he’d left his wallet at home. “Will I have to go home and get it?” he asked.

The woman said “Unbutton your shirt.”

He opened his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.”That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” she said and processed his Social Security application.

When he got home, the man told his wife about his experience at the Social Security office, and she said “You should have dropped your pants — you might have qualified for disability, too.”
#8

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered in Bloomingdales.

“Bloomingdales!” the rabbi exclaimed. “Why Bloomingdales?”

“It’s the only way I can be sure my daughters will visit me twice a week.”
#7

An old woman was walking along the street when she heard a voice telling her …”YOU WILL LIVE TO BE OVER 100.” She looked around, but no one else seemed to have heard the voice. Then she heard it again, “YOU WILL LIVE TO BE OVER 100.” Again she looked around, and again, no one else seemed to have heard anything. Convinced it was The Lord speaking to her, and figuring since the Lord had told her she would live to be 100 she’d better do something to make herself look better, she made an appointment with a plastic surgeon, and scheduled a face lift, a tummy tuck, liposuction, breast implants, and a nose job.

After healing from all the operations and looking years younger, she decided to go shopping. While crossing the street, she was hit by a bus and killed instantly. When she got to heaven, she asked the Lord, “Why did I die? You told me I was going to live to be more than 100?” God looked at her and replied … “Oh, I’m sorry; I didn’t recognize you.”
#6

An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing.

So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there’s a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.”Here’s what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in
a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

So that evening she’s in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he’s in the living room, and he says to himself,”I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.”

“Honey, what’s for supper?” No response.

So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away.

“Honey, what’s for supper?” No response.

So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away.

“Honey, what’s for supper?” No response.

On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away.

“Honey, what’s for supper?”. No response.

So he walks right up behind her.

“Honey, what’s for supper?”

“For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!!!”
#5

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find him, so the Captain sent the old woman back to shore, with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally, the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: Ma’am, sorry to inform you that we found your husband dead, at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck, and attached to his butt was an oyster, and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000 …. please advise.

The old woman faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.
#4

What is the best thing about being senile?

You can hide your own Easter eggs.
#3

A senior citizen was driving home on the freeway when his cellphone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!”

“Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”
#2

How do you know when you’re getting older?

Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.
Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
Your knees buckle and your belt won’t.
Those issues of Reader’s Digest just can’t come fast enough.
You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
You give up all your bad habits and you still don’t feel good.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
You’re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don’t know how to turn down the stereo.
You actually want socks for Christmas.
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.
The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
#1

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, “But you know Doc, I’m blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I’m done!”

A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George’s wife and said, “Your husband’s test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night.”

Thelma exclaimed, “That old fool! He’s been peeing in the refrigerator again!”

Childhood Adventures in the Barn

Bud and I grew up together.  His two youngest and my two youngest sisters were inseparable, spending endless time together at our place or theirs. The barn was still one of the most favored places to play.  When my parents got a new bed, the girls snagged the old bed, managed to get it to the barn and set themselves up a play area over the feed room.  Connie and Marilyn had a couple of old camp cots, so they were quite comfortable for sleepovers.  There was no need to worry about their safety.  Had anyone been foolish enough to try to sneak up, the dogs would have sounded the alarm, bringing Daddy scurrying from the house with his shotgun.

The cat and dogs who slept in the barn were delighted for the girls’ company. The dogs buried up in the hay, like usual.   I’m sure they would have loved getting in bed with the girls, but couldn’t climb the ladder.  Old Tom, the cat had no problem.  During  the night he cuddled up to to Connie purring like a washing machine.  He needed her love.  Every time she drifted off, he poked her awake.  Finally, he snuggled up next to her ear and settled in.  The next morning when Connie awoke, Tom was gone.   Connie’s face was slimy with something stiff and furry stuck in her hair.  When she pulled the mess loose, she found Old Tom had gifted her with His best dead rat.

Irish Jokes

An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.

“Lord,” he prayed. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday.”

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: “Never mind, I found one!”

 

Paudie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness.

The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.

When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.

The barman says: “Wow! You sure drank those fast.”

Paudie explains: “You would drink fast too if you had what I have.”

The barman asks: “What do you have?”

The guy reaches into his pocket and says: “Fifty cents!”

 

Seamus opens the newspaper and is shocked to see his OWN obituary.

In a panic, he phones his friend and asks: “Did you see the paper?! They say I died!”

The friend replies: “Yes, I saw it! So, where ya calling from?”

 

 

I Don’t Wanna Work!

The kids met Bud at the door with their complaint.  “Mama’s making us do work?”Abuse was written al over their tragic faces.  Bud was all sympathy.  “Oh no!  Why in the world would she do such thing?

They poured their collective hearts out between sniffles.  “Mama told us to go out and play.  Then we got in a fight. I have to vacuum the living room and Sister has to fold washcloths. She won’t let us go play till we get through.”

” We’ll, everybody has to work.  I work. Mama works.  You need to help out.” Bud explained.  Hurry up and get through then ask Mama if you can go out.”

”But I don’t like to work.” They wailed.

Joke of the Day

A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop,someone asked,

“Where did you get that?”

The pig replied,

“I won her in a raffle!”

The Doctor’s Office, Lady, Pig, and Cow

The time in our doctor’s waiting room became unexpectedly enjoyable as we sat with an elderly lady and her family. No one had said much beyond “Good morning” till the elderly lady asked her daughter to push her closer so she could admire the ornaments on the tree Dr. Irby had so generously decorated for her patients’ pleasure. She laughed and said, “I am eighty-three years old. I’ve come all the way from chopping wood to people walking on the moon. Oh, I’ve chopped lots of wood.” As she talked on, she cackled as she told this one. “I’ve milked many a cow in my time, many a cow. I remember one time, I was ‘a milking two titties and a pig was ‘a sucking on the other side.” She had us all laughing along with her. We would have loved to spend the rest of the day with her. What a wonderful visit we had!

 

Uncle Albert’s Barn

My great-Uncle Albert’s barn raised the bar for what a barn should be.  A rambling, splotched caterpillar, it sprawled behind his rustic house.   It was an amalgamation of scavenged lumber of various vintages. Over many years, he’d added on as the need arose and opportunity allowed Of an age to have experienced The Great Depression in its entirety, he understood waste not, want not.  His house and outbuildings were built largely of reclaimed lumber.   One stall of his barn was lied high with neatly stacked reclaimed lumber stored in readiness for his next project.  He had recently been hired to tear down and haul off an old house, the very lumber now resting in his barn.  Coffee cans of used nails sat on a shelf.  As tempting as it looked, one hard look from Uncle Albert made it clear his lumber was off limits for climbing.

Wisely, Albert did not seem anxious for the company of bothersome children, making no effort to be friendly.  In fact, I never noticed him behaving particularly warmly toward my dad., even though Daddy clearly admired him and sought his approval.  Uncle Albert was as likely to grump at Daddy as he was at us.  I was mystified at seeing Daddy treated as a troublesome child.  Daddy had spent months on end living and working with Uncle Albert during His childhood of The Great Depression.  His father had died young, leaving a widow with seven young children to to raise.

The barns multiple rooms opened off a central open area.  It’s many rooms held ancient implements, harness, plows and all manner of equipment neatly organized.  An ancient wagon Relaxed in one stall, in readiness for hay-hauling.  We were free to play on it, as long as we weren’t destructive.  Hay was stacked in numerous stalls.  Uncle Albert mad it clear the hay was not there for our pleasure. In one stall russet and sweet potatoes lay in their beds of hay, dusted with lime. String  of beans, dried apples, pears, and onions hung from the rafters. Several barn cats patrolled the barn to keep mice and rats at bay.  They weren’t the friendly house cat variety.

The barn was roofed with hand-split wooden shingles.  I can’t imagine all the hours he spent splitting them.  A neat fence made of various types of wire garden entry to the barn.  A couple of large metal road signs served as fence panels, adding to the barnyard’s appeal.

I just loved that barn.  I wish I could spend another afternoon poking around in it.

 

Maybe I should ……..

Back in 1996, Bud was checking out Jeeps.  He’d always wanted one.  After finding just the right one, I took him down to pick it up.  The salesman was running behind.  Another couple, very professional- looking  was also waiting for the salesman.  We made each other’s acquaintance, eventually dredging up acquaintances known to us both.  By no means were we more than two couples standing in the blazing sun making the best of waiting for an inattentive sales person.  The lady, particularly, looked prim and proper like a Sunday School teacher. Time dragged.  There was nothing particularly memorable about the situation till I blundered.

I was tired of waiting for that guy.  Pointing to a nearby Jeep, I stated.  “I think I’ll go shit on the bumper.”  I had intended to say “sit on the bumper.”  I don’t know who was more shocked, me, Bud, or the couple we waited with.  I was horrified and stammered an unimpressive apology.   Clearly, they’d spent enough time in my low company.  Nobody laughed. The couple realized they needed to be elsewhere and strolled off.  I half expected Bud to go off with them.

Bud’s Jeep still sits in our drive with nothing but a winch on the bumper.