- (This was ranked #1): A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
- I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
- Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.
- Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” I asked. “It’s not unusual” he replied.
- I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
- My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
- A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
- A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “because,” he said “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
- I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, “Are you two an item?”
- I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
Bumps in the Road Part 14
Bill was his old charming self that evening. They had dinner and saw a movie. Bobo and Lucy were both naturally funny and kept Kathleen in stitches. Bill had a few drinks and just got more gallant and attentive as the evening went on. Kathleen even loosened up and had a couple. She’d never had so much fun in her life. It was crazy for her to be so prudish about a little drinking. She found, she could even dance! They were out till after two. Bill had to shush her to stifle her giggles as they tiptoed into the house. It was clear he’d had more experience tiptoeing than she had.
It was after ten when Bill awoke He’d already dressed. “Sweetheart, you can’t sleep all day! We got to go get you all fancied up and go see your folks!”
“Oh my gosh! I forgot all about that! I’ve never slept this late in my life! Let me get a quick bath and dress.” She hurried through her bath and makeup and was proud to find a yellow print dress Bill hadn’t seen yet. Mama was an accomplished seamstress and prided herself that her kids were the best-dressed in the neighborhood. In fact, the only luxury she and Roscoe had ever bought was a Singer sewing machine which she kept humming. All Kathleen had to do was point out a dress she liked in a store window or catalog and Mama would whip one up like it.
“Don’t you look a sight!” Bill said as she twirled for him. “I swear you’re as pretty as a picture. I ain’t never seen nothing like you!”
They stopped for a quick breakfast at the cafe. Kathleen was so proud to show Bill off to the giggling girls she’d worked with. Their admiring envy felt wonderful. She was the luckiest girl in the world to be on his arm.
Kathleen found a darling navy dress with white lace cuff and collar in the first shop they visited on the Clarksville square. It was nice but too expensive at $8.98. Bill must have thought so ,too, since he steered her out of there, saying he wanted to look a little more.
“Let’s look in here.” he said, pointing out a turquoise dress with sequins on the bodice.
“Bill,” she whispered. “We can’t go in there. That’s the most expensive shop in town.”
“I like that dress,” he said. “You need to try it.”
She hardly knew what to think when she saw the tag, $16.99. She’d never even tried on such a thing! It felt heavenly as it slipped over her shoulders. “It’s gorgeous, Bill, but way too expensive.” She whispered. “Let’s go back and get the navy one.”
“Miss?” he called to the saleslady. “We’ll take this one. Can you take the tags off so she can wear it now? It’s a special day!”
“I certainly can.” she replied, following Kathleen into the dressing room. She quickly wrapped the dress Kathleen had worn in and rang up the sale.
Kathleen Carries On Part 9 or It Couldn’t Be Helped
“It could’t be helped” Mother employed this phrase to excuse herself whenever she messed up. Since she was a ditz and a world-class procrastinator, it came in really handy. In her defense, with five children and a demanding husband, she always had too many things on her list.
On the most memorable occasion, my brother had been gifted a handsome suit. The whole family was pleased for him. The trousers were unhemmed, as was common at that time. They hung in his closet awaiting Mother’s attention for several days. Alas, an elderly neighbor died and Bill was asked to serve as pallbearer. The funeral was to be the next day. The new suit would be put into service.
“Mother, I need my new suit for Granny’s funeral. Can you hem it?” he asked.
“Okay, but I’ll need you to try it on so I can measure it. We’ll get it after a while.” They both moved on to other things. The lonely suit hung in the closet some more while they went about their business.
Daddy announced he and Mother were to visit with the bereaved that evening. They didn’t get home till after ten.
Bill was in a panic about his trousers. “Mother, you’ve got to hem my suit! The funeral is at two tomorrow!”
“There’s plenty of time in the morning. I’ll get it then.” She was exhausted.
Not surprisingly, the house was bedlam the next morning. Finally, about ten-thirty, it was suit-hemming time. Mother told Bill to put the pants on so she could measure. By this time, he was frustrated and mad. “I don’t have time to try them on!”
Annoyed at his impertinence, she vacillated. “Well, just hold them in front of yourself and show me where you want the hem.” Irritated, he held them to his waist. “Now where do you want the hem?” He bent and pointed. She snipped. He rushed to the shower while she hemmed and pressed.
In a few minutes, he called out. He was all dressed except for his trousers. She bragged on her neat job as she hurried the pants back to him. In minutes, with a face like a thundercloud, he was out to model the new suit. He was fully dressed in jacket and tie, even down to shoes and socks. The trouser hems were fully three inches above his socks. He looked like Tom Sawyer in knee breeches! Everybody sat in shocked silence. The suit was ruined! Mother looked at Bill in the suit she’d just destroyed and excused herself.
“Well, it couldn’t be helped.” Out of shock, the room exploded in guffaws. It was obvious there had been so many ways “it could have been helped!”
Poor Doggy
My Daily Habits
My habits are humdrum. I take the dogs out early because they demand it, feed and water them as soon as I get in so I won’t get trampled, drink some juice while I dawdle about and sit under my small dog a while. I think his hiney is broken since he doesn’t want to sit on his own. Bud and I visit until I feel compelled to a bit of housework I can’t put off any longer unless I slip out to the yard to play with my flowers. Of course, more dog walks. We usually brunch about eleven.
My afternoons are free for writing, crocheting or whatever other things I chose. I avoid errands, grouping them on one day. Several times a week I visit Mother or take her out. On those days, I usually check Lowes for plant markdowns, the only shopping I like. Our nearby Lowe’s is the smallest in town. They get the same amount of stock as the bigger Lowes, so their markdowns are great
All written out, my life looks pretty mundane but I love it.
How to Raise Healthy Eaters in 5 Easy Steps
My mother was a child-rearing genius. She taught me her fool-proof plan for raising healthy-eaters, though she never sat down to delineate it for me. She was too busy trying to get dinner on the table. I’ve done that for all of you. You are welcome.
- There were five of us kids. Mother’s food budget was minimal. She put the food on the table, believing no child starved with food available. We ate like pigs in slop because should we we tarry, one of the other pigs got it. It would be a long, hungry time till the next meal.
- Kids don’t eat what isn’t there. She only bought and served nutritious foods, which we hated, by the way, but not as much as hunger. Our diet was based on vegetables supplemented by a modicum of chicken. Mother checked the markdowns and specials first. Though she bought many dented cans, she inspected them carefully for leakage, swelling, and signs of spoilage. It must have been a great disappointment, but she never managed to poison any of us. I often showed up at the table disgusted again to see beans, peas, greens, corn, rice, potatoes, corn, squash, spinach, tomatoes, and a tidbit or no meat on the table, again. A time or two, I tried turning my nose up at it. Mother’s response killed that. “Fine, maybe there will be a little left for supper. Now start on the dishes while we eat.”
- Leftovers were snacks. That meant, you might get a leftover biscuit, piece of cornbread, or flapjack if you beat the other kids off the bus. You had to be pretty hungry to go for flapjack. Mother’s flapjacks were disgusting. Sometimes, if she caught it on special, Mother bought peanut butter and saltines. We burned through those in a day or two. We made quick work Once in a while Mother made popcorn, but that was a family snack to be shared by the whole family while watching “Gunsmoke.” Remember “Gunsmoke?”
- Dessert was rare, usually reserved for Sunday’s and holidays. No cake, pie, cookies, lingered long. On rare blessed weeks, she went by the bread store to pick up a box of day-old bread, pies, cakes, hot dog buns, and various and sundry cast offs. One of my fondest memories is finding a lone, moldy Twinkie near the bottom of one of those boxes. I sat on my brother and ate it without chewing. If by some miracle a goody survived the initial family attack, the last piece had to be saved for Daddy. God help the misbegotten fool dared go there.
- Finally, she shared her pain when company dropped in for the WHOLE weekend polishing off the carefully stewarded foodstuffs that would have barely let her squeak through till payday, anyway. We needed to know that she would have to kite a check to get some dry beans, flour, shortening, and that a couple of chickens in the barnyard have a date with destiny this week. It stimulated our flagging appetites!
Sometimes, I’d hear Mother’s friends complaining that their kids were picky eaters. Once, just once, I’d have loved to hear her defend us saying we were, too, but, no! Invariably she’d crassly complain, “My kids eat anything I put in front of them!” She had no pride at all.
Jokes About Men
(disclaimer:someone asked for jokes about men)
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
What’s a man’s idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What’s the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What’s the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot’s been spotted several times.
What’s the smartest thing a man can say?
“My wife says….”
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can understand them.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you’re always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Poverty, the Only Thing Money Can’t Buy
The stories of crippling student loans are mind-boggling. Is it not possible to get through without so much debt?
When I was going to college in the late sixties and early seventies, I got student loans through the Department of Education. It was not possible to borrow even enough to pay tuition, room and board, and books. I if private loans were available , fortunately, I didn’t know it. My government loan paid only tuition, initial payment on room and board, and possibly a few books. I had to earn enough to pay second installment on room and board. Propitiously, I worked in the university library and learned early on that textbooks could be checked out from the library and renewed all semester, eliminating book fees. Most textbooks sat on that lonely shelf all semester. Even if books were older editions, the changes were minimal, such as rearranging chapters or updating pictures. It was an excellent plan, cutting my costs tremendously.
Bud and I got married our last year of college. We arrived with the incredible sum of five hundred eighty dollars to start our senior year. That was enough to pay his tuition, first month’s rent, get utilities turned on, and stock our meager pantry. We earned minimum wage, one dollar and twenty-five cents hourly. Between us, we earned thirteen hundred dollars that year. We didn’t get married till August, so we had dorm fees the first half of the year.
Our Budget:
Rent. $75
Utilities. 20
Groceries. 50
We lived in a small shabby house not far off campus. There was no air-conditioning, and two gas space heaters, one in the living room and one in the bathroom. We only used the one in the living room when we were home, closing off the rest of the house off. The bathroom heater only went on during baths. There was no telephone, more savings. We got through that year without buying clothing except two pair of shoes. I bought cheap ones the first time and they quickly tore up, necessitating the purchase of a second, quality pair, a poor economy.
Bud had a 1962 Chevrolet truck that got us back and forth on the few visits we made to our families. A few times, my dad sent us a check for gasoline so we could visit. We parked the truck when we got back, not moving it again till we left town. We walked everywhere, class, work, and the grocery store. We both carried home two bags of groceries on our monthly shopping trip.
I still remember our grocery list,
One pound Community Coffee. $.89
1 lb ground chuck. .89
Whole chicken approximately. 1.00
Five lb flour less than. 1.00
Pasta 3 lb. less than 1.00
5 lbs beans less than. 2.00
3 cans tomato sauce. 1.00
Two lb meal less than .50
1 lb margarine. .2 5
Two lb rice less than. 1.00
1 dozen eggs. .29
5 lb grits less than. 1.00
1 lb can Crisco less than. .89
Three envelopes dried spaghetti sauce mix. .99
Toilet tissue less than. 1.00
Laundry powder less than. 1.00
Toiletries and sundry Negligible
Of course, we occasionally bought salt and pepper. The whole chicken made three meals. The first time, I fried four pieces, the second meal was chicken and dumplings, the third chicken noodle soup. The ground chuck was for a casserole and to be cooked in spaghetti sauce, two meals.We had lots of beans and rice. Many afternoons we fished. If we had a good catch, we had fish and fries. If not, we are grits. We also had a lot of gravy and biscuits. Bud’s mother gave us her old wringer washer, so we cranked that devil up when we totally ran out our clothes, so there was no expense for the Laundromat. I will always remember this as one of the best times of my life I never felt poor. All our friends were as poor as we were, so we had community. Bud always said we had one thing money can’t buy: poverty. The good thing about struggling early on is that from that time on, you know how to budget and set expectations. We were fortunate.
Kathleen Carries On Part 8 or Their Mama Raised Them Right
Several ago Mother awoke to a terrible crash! Thinking a car had run into her house, she dashed up the hall to find her door lying in the living room floor and two young men dressed in black standing in her living room. “Give me your purse!” The one with the baseball bat growled.
Ever modest, Mother demanded, “Wait, I need my robe. It’s across the foot of my bed. “You’ll have to help me into it. My shoulder’s hurt!” He dutifully fetched it and helped her into it.
Baseball bat guy looked like he wished he’d never started this. “Where’s your wallet?” he tried again.
“In that bag on the buffet” she pointed.
He emptied out a big bag of books. “Nothing but books here.”
“No,the other bag.”
He opened her wallet, pulling out eleven dollars. Clearly disappointed, “”Is this all you got?” She answered, “yeah and I wouldn’t have that if I hadn’t planned to buy gas tomorrow.”
“What about your ATM card?” he demanded.
That made her mad. “No! That’s enough.” With that they turned and left. In a few seconds, one guy returned. “I forgot my bat. Have a nice day!”
“You, too.” She replied automatically. She called 911 and officers got there right away. She called us and we flew over. She gave her report and at the end remarked, “They were very polite. They seemed like they were raised right!”
Yeah, except for one little thing.
Nutsrok 