Some geological engineers from the U.S.G.S. recently surveyed some property in New England and found that in a certain area, the New Hampshire and Maine border must be changed. They stopped to inform a farmer that he was no longer in Maine, but now in New Hampshire.
After a long pause, he grunted and said, “That’s good. I couldn’t take another one of these Maine winters.”
Laugh Your Way With the Best Work Jokes of the Day
Competitive Salary-Paying you less than our competitions.
Join our Fast Paced Team-We expect you to know everything so we don’t train you.
Casual Work Atmosphere-We don’t pay you enough to dress you up
Must be Deadline Oriented-You are 6 months behind on your first day.
Duties Will Vary-Anyone in the Office can boss you around
Must have an eye for detail-We have no quality control
Prison-8’x10’ Cell
Work-6’x8’ Cubicle
Prison-3 meals a day
Work-1 meal and you have to pay for that one
Prison-Guards Unlock and Lock the doors for you
Work-You have to do it yourself
Prison-Friends and Family can visit you
The company’s management team put their heads together to decide how to reduce the high employee turnover rate. “They spend their first six or eight weeks learning our system, then they join another company,” complained one executive. “Yes, but doesn’t that at least speak highly of our training program?” chirped an optimistic colleague.
An ironworker nonchalantly walked the narrow beam fifteen floors above the city sidewalk. Though strong winds were blowing a heavy rain, the worker showed no fear whatever. When he came down to the sidewalk, a man who had been watching him from ground level went over to him and said, “I was really impressed watching you up there. You were so calm. How did you get a job like this?” “Well, as a matter of fact,” replied the ironworker, “I used to drive a school bus, until my nerves gave out
A painter accepted the task of painting a church steeple. He had 10 gallons of white paint. Half way down the steeple he had already used 6.5 gallons. He made sure no one was looking and then diluted the remaining paint with paint thinner.
He finished the job, cleaned his brush and rollers, and looked up to see that there were two distinct colors of white on the steeple.
“Oh, no!” he exclaimed, “What can I do now?”
A clap of thunder roared above him, and a booming voice was heard saying, “Repaint! And stop your thinning!”
A suggestion from a Human Resources Manager:
HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES . . .
1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.
Kathleen Carries On Part 6 or Keep Your Hands off the Offering Plate
Mother is scrupulous about paying her tithe. On the last Sunday before January 1st, she was dressing for church and found $300 in her underwear drawer. “Oh, I must have been saving this for my tithe!” Tucking it in her purse, she dropped it in the offering plate as it passed. Almost immediately, she remembered she’d been saving for a new floor but it was too late to grab it back. She didn’t have all bad luck with the offering, though. One Sunday, she made change for a large bill when the plate was passed and came out $20 ahead. I never did believe that was a mistake. She wanted me to take her by Thrifty Liquor one Saturday. Since she is a rabid teetotaler, I had to know why. “They have the cheapest money orders in town. I always get my offering money order there” Mother believes in watching her pennies. I offered to go in and get it for her.
“Look at this, Mother! Mr. Thrifty is printed on here as big as Dallas! They’re going to think you’re one of those drinking Baptists!”
Of course I told my family. “ My nephew is a minister. Mother frequently attends his church and is well-known to his congregation. He acknowledged her attendance but turned to the ushers as they passed the offering plate,”I’m proud to have my grandmother here, but don’t let her get her hands on the offering plate.”
That’s not the last of her indiscretions. I was talking to her one Sunday as she changed clothes after church. “Well, where’s my bra? I can’t find bra!”
I acted disgusted. “Mother, I’ll bet you left it it the back seat of the deacon’s car again!” She didn’t deny it.
Maxine
Bumps in the Road Part 10
Heat monkeys danced on the blacktop ahead of the bus bumping its way toward Box Elder. Kathleen avoided a plate-sized puddle of melted tar as she stepped off the bus. She didn’t want that on her new white sandals. Despite her care, they were dusty soon enough. The boarding house was a good quarter mile from the main highway. Cotton grew on both sides, as far as she could. The heat and humidity in East Texas were palpable by early July. She wished she’d gotten back earlier. She peeked in on Mrs. Martin and found her headed to her room for a nap. “Honey, if you want some lunch there’s egg salad and fried pies left from the men’s lunches. I’m gonna hang this sweaty dress in the doorway to air while the men are out and try to catch a little nap, but they ain’t a breath of a breeze.”
“Oh no, I’m not hungry, but I thought I’d take a quick bath before the men get back from work, if that’s okay,” Kathleen told her.
“Sure, just be sure to hang your towel and washcloth on the rack in your room. You know y’all don’t get but two towels and two washcloths a week. I don’t wash except on Mondays.”.
‘Yes, ma’am. I will.” Kathleen replied, taking herself off to get her linens and toiletries. After locking the door, she gave the tub a good scrubbing with BAB-O, aware of the grimy men who also bathed there. Rinsing it smooth, she drew a tepid bath. Wrapping her hair in her towel, she slid into the relaxing bath. Though she’d like to have soaked awhile, she quickly bathed and shaved her legs before she emptying and scrubbing the tub again with BAB-O. She powdered and lotioned herself before rinsing her washcloth and towel to take back to her room. Latching her door, she hung her dress to air and slid under the top sheet. Maybe she’d be able to nap a while. No such luck. She thought of Mama and Daddy and felt a hollow feeling in her gut. They were probably resting before going back out to the garden to pick tomatoes. She dreaded telling them she’d gotten married with our their blessing, but they’d surely understand when they met Bill. He was so charming and had such a way with people. He was going to work construction and they’d travel all over the country. That was one of the things that made her fall in love with him. For a girl raised in hicky old Cuthand, it sounded like a dream. Having never been farther than Texarkana, she’d always yearned to escape. Bill was talking about going to California after this job. It couldn’t be soon enough for her.
Sn
Self-Care
I do my routine housework each day then make a point to get outside some each day. I order groceries so I don’t have to grocery shop. If I have errands, I try to group them so I don’t have to go out too much. For myself, I read and enjoy WordPress.
Pretty Good Jokes From Prairie Home Companion
Doctor, do you realize you have a suppository behind your ear!
I know, and somebody’s got my pen and I’m not sure I want it back.
I wrote a single entendre but it wasn’t funny at all, so I put two of them together…if you know what I mean.
A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.” The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church. So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper.'”
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.” The father looked at him and said, “Okay, whisper in my ear.”
Management was trying to make us a paperless office and then they gave us a paperless bathroom.
Because the manager was a very constipated accountant and he just couldn’t budge it.
A man walked into work on Monday with a black eye. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, “I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and glared at me.”
“Where did you get the shiner?” the boss asked.
“Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No, arthritis.’
Why do Italian men have mustaches?
So they can look like their mothers.
Didja hear about the Italian mailman who was charged with sexual harassment? —-He was caught lookin uppa somebodies addressa.
What did God say after creating man? — He said, I can do better than this. —-
Why is divorce so expensive? —–Because it’s worth it.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.
Once there was a woman’s brain cell that got trapped in a man’s head. She looked around and saw that the whole thing was empty. She called, “Hello, is anyone there? Hello?” Suddenly she heard voices from far away, “We’re down here…” Men are all alike, they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
But don’t get me wrong. Men are good. They can multitask—- I mean, they read on the toilet.
Why do women knit?
It gives them something to think about when they’re talking.
How many men does it take to change a lightbulb ? —– None. Men don’t change lightbulbs; they think they can turn them on just by rubbing up against them. ——Did you know that studies show that a woman is turned on by different things, depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. If she is ovulating, she is attracted to strong men with rugged masculine features. And if she is just about to menstruate, she is more attracted to a man with a knife in his chest and tape over his mouth while he is on fire.
Did you know there are female hormones in beer?
When you drink beer, you argue over trivial things, don’t make any sense, start to cry and you lose your ability to drive.
A man thanked God for giving him a wife and he asked God, “Why did you make her so beautiful?”
The Lord said, “So you could love her, my son.”
The man said, “But why did you make her so stupid?”
“So she could love you, my son.”
Marriage is like a deck of cards.
You start out with two hearts and a diamond; and you end up wishing you had a club & spade!
Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend? Maybe he is having an affair.
I know he’s fishing because he never comes back with any fish…
Marriage and death are two different things. They are very different.
When you’re dead, you don’t wish that you were married.
How many optimists does it take to change a light bulb?
Who says it’s dark?
How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 50.
50?!!!!
Yeah, 50! Read the contract.
How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs!
How many Yale graduates does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.
How many Boy Bands does it take to change a lightbulb?
We don’t know – lightbulbs last longer than most Boy Bands!
Bumps in the Road Part 9
After the wedding, they moved into the boarding house in the little community of Box Elder, not far from Clarksville. Bill’s construction crew also had rooms there. They had the biggest room on the second floor and took their meals in the dining room. Kathleen was shy of eating in front of Bill, so she barely touched her food. The landlady provided the men with a brown bag lunch. Bill left before six every morning and got home past dark. The men didn’t get a day off unless it rained, so Bill wasn’t around a lot.
Bill didn’t want her to work, so she gave up her waitress job and had time on her hands. Luckily, the house was on the bus route, so Kathleen could go into town when she wished. She’d visit Annie and the two would stroll around town and lunch at the cafe. Kathleen had spent her meager earnings after a couple of weeks. Then her period was due. Blushing, she asked, “Bill, can I get a little money? I need money for the bus and a couple of things from town.”
He was in a hurry. “I get paid tomorrow. I’ll be off Saturday. I’ll take you then. You don’t need to go into town all the time.”
Mortified, she had to explain. “I can’t wait. You know women need personal items once a a month. I have to go to the store today.”
Reddening, it was his turn to be embarrassed. “Uh, okay.” He dug some bills out of his pocket. “I have a five and two ones.” He held the ones out to her. Seeing her face fall, he put the ones back in his wallet and gave her the five. “Don’t spend it all in one place.” He kissed her goodbye and headed off to work.
Kathleen prettied herself up and caught the bus into town. Meeting Annie, they strolled around the square, stopping at the Rexall for her pads. She chose a bright red lipstick and a tiny bottle of Evening in Paris perfume so she’d look and smell pretty for Bill.
“Do you want to get a bite at the cafe?” Annie asked. “I have to go get ready for work at two.”
Kathleen counted her money. She had $1.76 left. Lunch and bus fare would finish off the five Bill had given her. “Maybe I’d better not spend all my money.”
“Okay, we’ll go to my room and make a fried egg sandwich in my room,” replied Annie.
They hurried to Annie’s room and made fried egg sandwiches on Annie’s hot plate. It was a good day. Kathleen loved being with Annie and looked forward to getting home to her handsome husband.
Nutsrok 