Johnny was my first crush in first grade. I wanted to play with him but he preferred Nona, his neighbor. I couldn’t blame him. She wore cowboy boots, flannel shirts, and brown corduroy pants. Not only that, she could spit through the gap between her front teeth and was the fastest runner in the first grade. She also had beautiful thick-lensed eyeglasses with red plaid frames. I might have had a chance with Johnny if I hadn’t told the teacher he stole my milk nickel. He hadn’t. The teacher made me clean out my desk. There it was plain as day, just under my rough paper tablet.
The young folks invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
“Goat,” the little boy replied.
“Goat?” replied the startled minister, “Are you sure about that?”
“Sure. I heard Dad tell Mom. “I guess we might as well have that old goat for dinner today.”
The minister dies and the congregation decides, after some time, that his widow, should marry again. Since it is a small village the only available candidate is the local butcher. Although very reluctantly, since she was used to living with a bible scholar, she accepts.
After the marriage, on Friday night just after taking a bath – the new husband tells his wife, “Look, my mother always said that before the beginning of the weekend it was a blessing to have sex.”
They do it and then on Saturday he tells her, “According to my father it is a blessing to have sex during the day before the Sabbath.
There they go again and when it is time to go to sleep he tells her, “My grandfather told me that one should always have sex on Sabbath night.”
Finally they go to sleep and when they wake up the next morning he tells her, “My aunt says that a Christian man always starts the Sabbath by having sex. So lets do it.”
Finally on Monday she goes out to the market and meets a friend that asks her, “So how is the new husband?”
“Well, an intellectual he isn’t, but he comes from a wonderful family.”
Their’s was the typical whirlwind romance. Standing Kathleen up was something Gene never had to worry about again. In the next few days, she met his brothers, Edward and Parnell. She was disappointed to find out the Chevy Coupe belonged to Edward, not Bill . Oh well, a fellow with a car would have been nice. Kathleen knew both brothers had wives back in Louisiana so was surprised to see Parnell with a woman clinging to his arm at a carnival one night. “Isn’t that Parnell? Who….?” she asked, as Bill steered her away. She’d really liked Parnell. Why would he do such a thing? He spoke lovingly of his wife and girls, so why? It didn’t make sense.
Bill had had a few beers as they walked around, but was nowhere drunk. In fact, he was more charming than usual, making Kathleen feel like the luckiest girl in Texas to be on his arm. They strolled up to a gambling booth where a red-head barker called out for them to come try their luck at knocking down stacks of bottles with a baseball. A cute little pekingese lay curled up on a cushion on the counter. “Knock down three stacks of bottles and win this puppy for your girl,” the barker called out, reeling Bill in.
“I’m gonna get you that puppy,” said Bill, scooping up three balls. He hurled them, only knocking the top bottle off each stack. He went for another round, managing to knock to bottles off the stack a couple of times.
Kathleen quickly grew disturbed with this game. The bottom bottles were clearly weighted and weren’t going over. “Come on. This game is rigged. Those bottles aren’t going over. I don’t want that puppy, anyway.” Bill was determined to win. He kept digging bills out of his pocket and hurling balls at the bottles, a total waste in this crooked game. Kathleen was appalled at the waste and his stubborn refusal to give it up. Incredibly, he’d lost forty-five dollars and was in a heated argument with the barker by the time Edward strolled up, ready to egg the trouble on. Kathleen quickly surmised, Having grown up tough, Edward was an aggressive bully who liked nothing better than a fight.
“Get on out of here,” the barker demanded. “I don’t want any trouble.”
“This is a rigged game. I ain’t leaving till I get my money back.” Bill shouted. By now, Edward was standing shoulder to shoulder with him, anxious to start punching. The barker rang a buzzer and two bruisers with nightsticks showed up. Bill understood the situation and left out of “consideration for Kathleen,” promising to be back after he took her home.
“You do that!” one of them replied.
He had a couple more beers on the way home, never making it back for his money.
This was a totally new experience for Kathleen, a sheltered young woman of nineteen. She’d never been around drinking,gambling, cheating, or violence.She didn’t know if she’d wanted to see Bill again.
1. She left her lights on, ran her car battery down, and asked a nice young police officer to “jack her off.” She wasn’t arrested.
2. She once crashed wedding in cut off blue jeans, sitting in the first row on the bride’s side. The family was not friendly.
3. She was once locked in a museum and had to be rescued by the fire department, climbing over the fence on their ladder.
4. She was locked in Windsor Castle. More on that later.
5. She rolled up a car window up on a camel’s lip. These things happen.
6. She made change in the offering plate at church and came out twenty dollars ahead
7. She lost her bra at church one Sunday. She never could explain that!
8. When two intruders broke in her house, she made one of them help her into her robe before she would talk to them. She gave them eleven dollars, telling them, “That’s enough!” They thanked her when they left, telling her to “have a nice day.” She told the police officers later, “They were polite and had been raised right.” Go figure.
9. She threatened a rapist.
10. She won’t say “Bull.” That sounds crude. She substitutes “male cow.” God knows she tried to raise me right!
11.When two intruders broke in her house, she made one of them help her into her robe before she would talk to them. She gave them eleven dollars, telling them, “That’s enough!” They thanked her when they left, telling her to “have a nice day.” She told the police officers later, “They were polite and had been raised right.” Go figure. I think this story sums Mother up better than anything else. She gets rattled over little things, but is a rock when something huge challenges her. I got a call from her after midnight. “I’m okay. Don’t panic. The police are on the way! I just wanted to let you know someone kicked my door down!” You can imagine the horror and shock that message sent through me, imagining my poor little mother at the mercy of God only knows who, not even a door against the night. Bud and I flew over. By the time we got there, police officers were there investigating. Her shattered front door was propped up on her front porch, splintered wood splayed around her living room. Mother had coffee ready for us. (I told you she was calm in a storm.) She had been sleeping when awakened by two young guys dressed in black, with black ski masks, one brandishing a baseball bat. The nearest advanced down the hall, demanding her purse. She cooperated, but asked, “Can you get me my robe? It’s hanging on a hook on the bathroom door. I can’t be walking around in front of you with no robe.” He agreed, getting the robe, helping her into it since she was having a little trouble with her shoulder, probably sorry he’d ever started this. His partner laid down the bat, thank God, demanding her purse. Fearing he’d think she was going for a gun, she said, “It’s on that shelf.” He bumbled and found her library books in a bag, ready for return. “These are just books.” “Just behind them. This time he found her wallet. Digging through it, he was dismayed to find only eleven dollars. “Is this all?” “Yes, I only have that because I was going to buy gas tomorrow. I never keep cash. It’s too dangerous!” Truer words were never spoken. She usually has to dig in her car to find change for a coke, preferring to bum off whoever she is with. It’s a wonder she didn’t ask the robbers for money for a coke while she had them there. “What about your bank card?” She said she gave him a disgusted look, thinking, “Now, that’s going too far. Eleven dollars is enough!” They must have realized their business with her was complete, turning to leave. Before going down the steps, the one who’d helped her into her robe returned for his bat, telling her, “Have a nice day.” As they walked toward the door, she thanked them for not hurting her. She summed the whole story up for the officers, promising to get in touch if she remembered anything else. “I don’t think they ever meant to hurt me. They were both as polite as could be. I think their mother raised them right.” I am so glad she did. (to be continued)
1. What do beans say to their Valentines? You keep me grounded. 2. How does an IT guy drink coffee? He installs Java. 3. What’s a coffee’s favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With Your Best Shot. 4. What’s the opposite of coffee? Sneezy. 5. What do you call two coffee mugs sitting next together? A happy cupple. 6. What’s a coffee’s favorite Wham! song? Wake Be up Before You Cocoa! 7. I didn’t choose the mug life, the mug life chose me. 8. How do coffee cups greet each other? With mugs and kisses.
Mother is sensitive about her age and height, so I can’t mention the fact that she is past ninety-six and “not tall.” In fact, she got busted by the nurse at her last exam. “How tall are you?” asked the nurse.
Mother looked her in the eye and said, “5’2,” bold as brass.
The nurse stared her down. “Let’s measure you.” They came back in a minute and the nurse said. “I’ll give you 4’ 9 3/4 .”
1. She asked a nice young police officer to “jack her off.”
2. She once crashed a formal wedding in cut off blue jeans.
3. She was once locked in a museum garden and had to be rescued by the fire department.
4. She was locked in Windsor Castle. More on that later.
5. She rolled up a car window up on a camel’s lip. These things happen.
6. She made change in the offering plate at church and came out twenty dollars ahead
7. She lost her bra at church one Sunday. She never could explain that!
8. When two intruders broke in her house, she made one of them help her into her robe and refused to give them more than eleven dollars. Go figure.
9. She threatened a rapist.
10. She won’t say “Bull.” That sounds crude. She substitutes “male cow.” God knows she tried to raise me right!
Carrying on #1:
Mother parked her car at the mall, got her sweater and purse and went in to shop and enjoy a leisurely lunch with friends. More than two hours later, she came out and discovered her car wouldn’t start. She’d left her lights on! She didn’t want to call her kids for help, so she flagged down a young police officer, planning to buffalo him with her sweet old grandmother act. “ Officer, my battery’s down. Can you please jack me off?” Luckily, she was neither arrested nor jacked off.
The old farmer just got married and as he was driving home with his new wife the mule stopped and wouldn’t pull the wagon. The farmer smacked him over the head with a 2×4…..and said, “That’s One! ….. …The second time the mule refused to move the farmer went over and hit him with the 2×4 and said…”That’s Two!……… ……The third time the mule refused the farmer took his gun and shot him……. The new wife started to criticize the old farmer for shooting his mule and he says;
That’s one…………….
A cardiologist who was nearing the end of his career to leave the spotlight and stress of leading the cardiologist staff of the Mayo Clinic, and moved to a small, rural hospital in the Florida Panhandle. He told the staff at the Mayo Clinic, “I am tired of dealing with CEO’s and millionaires who are too busy to take care of their hearts, and look forward to the simple country lifestyle of patching up farmers and their bankers who have simply worn their hearts out.”
Sadly, after only four short years of simpler life, the Cardiologist died of cancer. When his comrades from the Mayo Clinic heard the sad news they told the family that they wanted to help them plan a very elaborate funeral, to pay their respects for this great man who had so much influence on doctors all over the world. A huge heart, covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service at the church, and all in attendance were in awe, having never seen such an event. Following the eulogy, as harp music played, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
All of a sudden, one of the mourners in the back of the church burst out in laughter. Every head turned to see the source of this disrespectful laughter. It was one of the country doctors from the small town hospital. With the whole crowd glaring at him in disgust, the doctor held up his hand and said, “I am so sorry folks, I didn’t mean to be disrespectful, he was a great friend. I was just thinking of my own funeral. I’m a proctologist.
Harold was a farmer, who had stayed healthy and happy out on the farm for over 60 years. As the years slipped by, however, his wife worried about him out in the summer heat for long hours each day. She had been right to worry as one summer, while out fixing fence, the heat got the best of Harold. He got dehydrated and had to be hospitalized. Harold hated it there, because he kept wanting to get home to check on his crops and cattle. The doctor warned him that he needed to spend at least 4 days in the hospital, so they could run a series of tests on his heart and other systems. Plus he just wanted to make sure Harold’s strength had returned, because he knew he would be right back out farming again in the heat.
There was one young nurse that just drove Harold absolutely crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, “And how are we doing this morning?” or “Are we ready for a bath?” or “Are we hungry today?” Old Harold had had about all he could stand of this particular nurse, and just had to get out of that hospital. He was more sick of people poking, prodding, testing and talking to him like an helpless old man, than he was from the heat stroke.
One day at breakfast, he came up with a plan. The nurse came to his room and left him a urine bottle to fill for testing. After she had left his room, Harold got a twinkle in his eye as he spied the apple juice on the breakfast tray on his bed side stand. Well you know where the juice went, right into the urine sample vial.
A little while later when the patronizing nurse returned, she picked up the vile and said, “My oh my, it seems we are a little cloudy today?” At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it right down, saying, “Well, let’s run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!”
The nurse fainted! Harold boomed out, “This nurse needs help!” Within seconds 4 nurses and two doctors were fussing all around her. Harold just smiled and said to himself, “Now’s my chance to get the heck out of this place.” He snatched his clothes out of the closet, got dressed in the restroom down the hall, headed to the elevator, and was out the door before anyone knew what happened!
This is my cute little ninety-six yea-old-mother. She still lives in her home with a good bit of support. She’s as good-natured as she looks. Quite a few men in her neighborhood have shown interest in her. She says there’s nothing wrong with men, except the keep breathing in and breathing out.
He handled the situation like a champ, injured paws and all.
Look, hiking a few miles up a mountain is hard. If you’re a 190-pound dog named Floyd, who may not be in the best shape of his life, it’s a bit too much
The 3-year-old mastiff was hiking with his human up the Grandeur Peak trail in Salt Lake County, Utah, on Sunday and got so worn out he couldn’t make it back to the car.
About five concerned hikers passed by the pup and his owner, who were stopped on the trail for hours, and called 911 once they got back to cell reception. Salt Lake County Search and Rescue were dispatched to rescue Floyd and quickly sprang to action to make sure the doggo got off the mountain before it got too dark and too cold, Todd Taylor, the team’s squad leader, told BuzzFeed News.
“They started hiking around noon and it’s usually a three-hour hike,” Taylor said. “But they were sitting up there for a few hours. He would walk a few feet and then sit down and his paws were hurt and cut up.”
The nonprofit, all-volunteer crew does about 50 rescues a year, Taylor, 49, said. They range from injured runners, dehydrated hikers, swift-water incidents, and jumping out of helicopters to get to stranded rock climbers.
Most of the volunteers have been rescuing people for 10 to 15 years. Saving dogs, though, is much rarer and required some strategizing.
This was an interesting rescue because of the size of Floyd,” Taylor said. “We knew we had a big dog, a 190-pounder, and we treated it like a normal rescue for a person.”
Ten rescuers on two teams arrived armed with helmets, ropes, radios, and a litter — a piece of equipment used to carry people — to rescue Floyd. However, the wheel broke about a mile into the rescue, Taylor said, so the crew had to carry the massive mastiff the rest of the way down.
But Floyd handled the entire situation like a champ and was the best of boys.
Nutsrok 